Need Advice Regarding My Soon to Be Ex and Our Sons Birthday.

Angie has given you good advice, I think. I want to also tell you not to talk to him on the phone. Emails only so that you will have a record of what all is said.

Just don't answer the phone anymore. He can't talk to you on the phone if you don't answer it.

How will your son feel of Dad isn't there at his party?
You two can hate each other's guts, just don't show it in front of your kid.
Unless your stb ex is dangerous, addicted, or violent, try the view from the high road--it's better.
Is it really a big deal if you buy your ex a alive of pizza and a Coke?

Ugh, I hate this stuff. I would suggest you figure out a way for someone to be there to keep your husband under control.

Is there anyone in his life that can make him behave? His parents, a brother, an Uncle a best friend? Invite them and do not let on that they are there to keep an eye on him, but call on them if he starts acting up.

Or is there someone that can stay right next to you to protect you from his bullying? I have had to do this for some of my clients when I do special events. You know the crazy Uncle that always says obnoxious stuff. Or the Grooms stepmother that is tacky to the grooms mother.. ex wife. Whatever..

It is easier just to allow him there and have EVERYONE witness his boorish behaviors.. Will be good for documentation of his behaviors. Cell phones are awesome for this reason..

Indifference is the best revenge. Allow him to attend, ignore him, but still treat him as an honored guest..

Then go home and have a big glass of wine..

I know this is not what you planned, but he will ALWAYS be your sons father. Set a tone with him and he will know he cannot get to you.. It takes a lot of patience, but it will make him look completely insane. He cannot hold in crazy forever.

Or peer pressure will make him behave.

I have a scary Uncle. He could look at my dad an make him behave..

He is your sons dads. No matter how much you don't like it, deal with it. It's your sons day his dad should be there to celebrate with him. It doesn't matter what's happened what's happening he should he there unless he is abusing your son in some way and there is a restraining order

What do I do?

Please.... let him come. Of course he is upset. Of course he's acting like a jerk. He's upset. I don't know what happened in your marriage for you to file divorce, for you to give up so fast, but this is typical (people turn on each other). (It's tragic because it hurts the children the most.) You turned away from him and he is turning on you.

He's the dad. Unless he has beaten you or your child, I don't see why he can't be at his own son's birthday.

The saddest thing I saw as a teen was a friend whose estranged father showed up at the birthday. Mom made a big deal about it (being upset). She echoed her mom's feelings. Let the child and dad have their relationship. Try to step away. Give in on stuff that doesn't matter. Advocate for things that do matter (a birthday doesn't fall in that category). Keeping him and his family away from a birthday is just evil and mean. What did they do to you?

If he is going to harass you at the party, just have a buffer like someone suggested. Someone who is strong and can remain neutral and civil. The lion at the door.

As for you...

Proverbs 25:21-22 - New King James Version (NKJV)
21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat;
And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;
22 For so you will heap coals of fire on his head,
And the Lord will reward you.

Best interest of your son, he comes to party. Smile and be pleasant. You two have many years to go, so you best figure out now how to co-parent or your son will need intense therapy.

You suck it up because that is what is best for your son.

Considering this is a first question and nothing you said makes sense to this divorced women, I don't exactly think this is real. If it is I would like to point out that the women who are saying suck it up, yes others are a little more polite in their wording, are also the women who divorced or are divorcing abusive men. If we can put a smile on our faces for our kids at public parties I think this should be a cake walk for you.

I mean sorry, soul custody means there is no "my" weekend.

Sorry but he should come to the party and you should both behave like grown ups for your son.

You will be co parenting for 15 more years. Why not try to make it as civil as possible?

Reading this post actually makes me sick to my stomach -- because I understand your dilemma.

Is this party on your son's actual birthday? You'll want to at least try to let your husband spend time with your son on his birthday. My suggestion would be for you to continue to tell him that you don't want him at the party, and that he is not invited. But don't react if and when he does show up. Your son is probably too young to remember anything that might happen, but it is still upsetting to watch parents argue.

Make sure that all of your friends know the situation. Tell them that if he starts being abusive that they need to get their camera phones rolling. You might need documentation of any harassments or threats.

I filed for divorce from my husband two months ago. He is an alcoholic and is emotionally abusive. Our youngest son just turned three last week. We were actually able to be civil enough to each other to take our kids out to lunch TOGETHER. I am letting my MIL host a family party for him this weekend. A month ago, I never would have dreamed that my husband and I could be in the same room together. Now that he has calmed down considerably, I am no longer preoccupied with his erratic behavior. He saves his rage for his family and friends, because he can't aim in on me much any more.

Good luck to you. I hope things get better soon. Keep your guard up though.

Maybe it's just me but if I had filed for divorce ten days ago the last thing on my mind would be hosting a party for a three year old at a play place.
Don't you have enough stress and drama to deal with right now? This party isn't for your son, he won't even remember it, it's for you.
I would cancel & have a small group, only my closest friends and family over for cake and ice cream instead, something low key, and most important: DRAMA FREE.

Well, here's the truth, sorry.

It's in a public place and unless YOU have a protective order against him there is no legal way you can keep him from being at the same public place you are. They can't make him leave, you can't make him leave, you can't call the police on him, unless he hits one of you while in the place he can come and go as he wants to.

So.....find a way to deal with this happening. Tell him he's going to have to plan his own party on his own weekend and invite his own family....

BUT expect him to show up. You and YOUR family have to be adults and accept this. Your son does NOT want to remember that one birthday party when he was a kid where it was ruined because mom wouldn't just let it go and make nice with dad.

Not saying this is your fault, only saying he's going to show up and your attitude during this party is going to make the party or break the party.

If you're nice and just stay out of his way, surround yourself with your friends and family and just ignore him when possible, then chances are he'll be on his best behavior too.

I'd say expect him to come, be the bigger person and stay out of his reach, then let your SON have the best party ever.

Next time when you are fully divorced dad showing up is a no. He shouldn't even know anything about anything that goes on when kiddo is not at his dad's visitation.

Is it really in your son's best interests not to see his Daddy on his birthday weekend or at his birthday party? Aren't you playing a dirty trick yourself? Sorry, but I feel really sad for your son and the way you're talking I feel badly for your soon-to-be former husband. You should be encouraging a loving, close, caring and bonded relationship between your son and his father because that's what a good mother does. Maybe you think he was a lousy husband but that doesn't make him a lousy father.

His behavior is perfectly typical for someone who is upset over his family being broken up and angry that he's being kept from his child, especially during a time that's a very special milestone (ie. a birthday). This is not about YOUR comfort but your child. So get over yourself.

I left my ex and he was not happy about it, of course. BUT we almost always had birthday parties together for our daughters sake. Just like you, we split right before my daughters birthday. Even though he was very upset with me, we still had a joint birthday party.

Maybe you can put someone in charge of watching that he doesn't go near you or at least doesn't get ignorant. t hope you reconsider.

You let him come. An you be nice and not fight...that statement is for both of you. You realize that this is for your son (not you) and your son would probably love for his dad to be there. When you say aggressive do you mean hitting/name calling or he just seems more blunt and in your face?

Honestly, you had a child with him-now it's time for you to both act like adults. Lay down ground rules and let him know that this party is for you son-if you feel that you need to.
For a special occasion I'm sure that you can both pretend that there is no messiness going on, right?

My heart breaks for your son. Divorce is hard on kids but extremely hard on kids whose parents have a ton of drama after they separate. The best birthday gift you can give to your son is to stop whatever part you have in the conflict. Reduce contact, stand your ground only on huge issues, let most things go, be the bigger person, encourage your son's relationship with his dad, build up your support system, and never say anything negative about his dad in front of your son.

Change the time or venue. Why does he even know about the party, under these circumstances?

First when is the party? Is it too late to cancel? I would change venues and not tell your husband. Your son is young and does not need the tension during the party. It is not like it is a graduation or wedding he is only 3 and can have a mom celebration and a dad celebration. The soon to be ex is not an invited guest and so far does not sound like a willing host.

Heck I'm not divorced, but have planned 2 parties for a child because it was too much to have all over at the same time (between my relatives, in-laws and classmates). It just work better. My child is still young and will not get a 'real' party every year let alone 2. My husband was in the military and missed both parties that year.

A friend who did divorce had a small party during the week with just a handful of friends. The following year enough water was under the bridge and this divorced couple were able to have a party for their daughter together.

edit: I do agree with some that say not to cause a scene if he does show up. Once/if he is at the party hold it together in front of your son.

Have you talked to your lawyer? Are there any court orders?

It sounds like the party venue is in a public place. From a practical standpoint how would you prevent him from going there?

I would definitely talk to my attorney and hash out that issue as well as how it is going to look in front of a judge (to exclude Dad from child's birthday party). I'm not going to opine whether you are right or wrong, or what you should do (you know the specifics of your situation). But I would get some counsel on it if I were you.

Good luck.

I don't know all the details but if it was me I would let him and his family come, as long as they agreed that all the negativity and divorce stuff stayed out of it for that one day. Wouldn't your son want his Daddy to be at his party? You and your husband are getting a divorce, you son is not divorcing his father, he loves him just as much as he always has. Children are always the big losers in situation like this when parents put their own desires or hurt feelings over those of the child.

Sometimes joint parties work. And sometimes they do not. He is welcome to have his own party at another time. If the party day is the child's birthday, you should arrange for him to see the child for part of the day. But if he will cause a scene, then notify the management that he is not invited, ask for the time to be changed, or ask a friend or family member to escort him out if he causes ANY problems.

In cases where there is conflict like you describe, it's not always going to matter if you are the "bigger person" if he gets aggressive with you. Not everyone plays nicely, even if you are. So be prepared for what to do if he shows up. Unfortunately I have had experiences like having to meet a relative in the parking lot to make sure he wasn't crashing his daughter's graduation while drunk, so I get where you seem like you're coming from.

FWIW, my DH didn't have any joint birthday parties for the kids after he and his ex split. If she had the friend party, we did something smaller with the family. It wasn't worth the drama of trying to work with her, and it was actually healthier for the kids not to see the conflict between their parents.

AZ requires divorcing parents to take a parenting class before the divorce is approved. In that class, the instructor said its IMPERATIVE that if you are divorcing, you must act like it. You do not hug each other good bye, you don't attend the same party, you clearly make it known to your kids that you are NOT together and there is NO chance you will get back together. If you continue to hang out and "act" like a family, its way too confusing for kids to understand. So no, your ex and his family should not attend any bday party or holiday with you in the future. They can have their own party with your kid. My kids get 2 parties for everything and they are not sad about it. lol Call your local police dept and ask them if you show them the court order that it's your weekend and your ex is crashing the party, what, if anything, can they do? I would also start communicating via email only so you have documentation of what he says and does. Otherwise, when you go to court, its your word against his. Not fun but you will make it through it. Good luck!