What Would You Do? - Roseville,CA

I would not attend either. Too chaotic. Too much drama. Send a gift with regrets. No explanation needed.

This whole scenario is ridiculous. Never, even for my best friend, would I go along with this. Wish her well, tell her to have a great time at her party, but you will not be there. Invite her over for a nice dinner if you want to be there for her. Perhaps someday, once she is married and has kids of her own she will understand that this is not what grown ups do.

Wow. Way too much drama. I was once not invited to a wedding and then suddenly I was. We did not attend. I sent a card. She was not a close friend, more of an acquaintance. That is how this seems. I have 2 boys with bleeding disorders, plus 3 other kids, no matter which one-they ALL come first. You made plans. Stick with that. I see rushing to leave the family and get to some wedding party way too stressful and not worth it. Send a heartfelt card, maybe a gift, and say sorry, can't make it.

You're questioning whether to spend money you can't afford to go to a bachelorette party for a woman who invited you to the wedding as an afterthought?
Skip the party, skip the wedding, stay home and play with your kids.

Why are you bothering with this person. She is NOT your friend she is a user and abuser!!!!

Tell her " Sorry I can't attend your bachlorette party, way out of my budget." AND "I will not be attending your wedding. I understood I was NOT invited and made other plans for the same day."

If you feel you have to do something for her send a gift.

Sweetie, how old are you? I'm truly not asking to be mean; I just can't help but think that with a little more life experience, situations like this will become very easy for you to decide.

Here are a few things to remember:

1) When you become a spouse and parent, your family is your number one priority. That means the family's needs come first with respect to whatever resources are being impacted (finances, schedules, time, etc.). Some people will NOT understand this. That is okay. You do what you need to do for you and your family. Bottom line: If you don't have the money or the time and energy to go to these events, DON'T.

2) Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself and your family, and don't feel the need to offer detailed explanations. A simple, "That's just not going to work for me" will suffice.

3) Do not twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate and please people, especially people who have no regard for you or your needs or your particular life circumstances.

4) Learn to disengage from people who aren't true friends. Your children are very young now, but in a few short years, with school, sports, dance, activities, etc. your lives will become very hectic. You will see how precious your time with your family is and you will not want to waste any of that precious time on people, places, and activities that bring negativity to your life.

I hope you will remember these things when deciding what to do.

Now, to answer your question about what I would do. I would not attend any of the pre-wedding events or the wedding ceremony. I'd send a gift, wish her and her new husband well, and leave it at that.

Hope that helps.

J. F.

No. Just, no. Send a gift and stay with your family. You don't owe her anything. She's not a close friend or family member.

You may want to try to figure out why you feel you "should" for her - there's no logical reason to feel this way. As a former "people-pleaser", I get where you're coming from, but this isn't healthy, really. Feeling bad about not spending a ton of money and not going way out of your way/being inconvenienced for someone who you're not close to in the first place isn't good.

RSVP no, send a gift, and feel no guilt. You can still be happy for her without putting yourself out so much.

Too much drama. Too much costs. I would bow out gracefully. I would gift her a nice card with a gift certificate in it to one of her favorite stores and leave it at that.

I made a decision years ago to just let some "friendships" go. Turns out it was the best decision of my life. Sometimes people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Being a good friend is important but it should work both ways, giving friendship and receiving friendship.

Ultimately the decision is yours. Choose wisely what you want to do and only give of your time and money if you can do it from the heart with no regrets.

Practice this in front of a mirror:
"No. I'm sorry but that isn't going to work for me. I will not be able to attend." - don't bother going to either party nor wedding.
You have your own family now and they come before everything else.
Sheesh - I didn't bankrupt myself for my own wedding - there's no way I'd spend this much on someone else s.
This friend isn't so much a friend as a bride-zilla wanna be - she wants an entourage and does not care what the cost is to the people involved.
If I were in your shoes, not only would I tell her 'No' but if I was irked enough I might suggest to her to elope already and get it over with - AND I might send my condolences to the groom and tell him it's not to late for HIM to say 'No' either.

Just because you COULD do something doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Basically, here's how I would sum up what happened... You were told you weren't going to be invited to the wedding, you made unchangeable family plans, and the host then changed their plans and decided to invite you. There is no reason for you to introduce stress into your vacation, discombobulate your children and your husband, and make yourself uncomfortable. Heck, if I were you, I wouldn't even enjoy the event after all of that. I think you yourself know that the best answer to this last-minute invite, as to the monstrosity of a bachlorette party, is 'no, I will not be able to attend, however I hope you have a fabulous time and let's set up a time in the next few weeks when we can get together and I can give you something.'

I do understand about not wanting to offend people or hurt their feelings, and she may feel sad that you aren't at either celebration. However, it's not good for you to run all over creation in order to be at a friend's wedding when you weren't invited in the first place. Good luck with practicing your not-people-pleasing skills.

She sounds like a pain in the butt. You don't owe her anything as she's let you down or missed things plenty of times. Tell her you can't go and if she lets you know her sad feelings, apologize and tell her you will be better, just like she does to you. :) Or go on your terms. If there's a way to go that you feel like will be fun and affordable, then do that. Do what you WANT to do and are comfortable spending. She already has a son and is even having a bachlorette party? Seems silly to me. Maybe a night out but a stripper, people spending all this money? I think she needs to grow up...

Well, she is the FIRST PERSON TO EVER GET MARRIED...so, of course, you should drop everything and spend hundreds of dollars...

Okay, back to reality! I would say a definite NO on the bachelorette party. WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY to expensive!! Those girls need a reality check. And, I hate strippers...yuck!

I would just send a gift to the wedding. I also have a medically fragile child and sometimes you just can't get away.

The whole thing sounds like a complete train wreck. Plus, all of this so close to the holidays-very selfish of the bride!!!!

Updated

Well, she is the FIRST PERSON TO EVER GET MARRIED...so, of course, you should drop everything and spend hundreds of dollars...

Okay, back to reality! I would say a definite NO on the bachelorette party. WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY to expensive!! Those girls need a reality check. And, I hate strippers...yuck!

I would just send a gift to the wedding. I also have a medically fragile child and sometimes you just can't get away.

The whole thing sounds like a complete train wreck. Plus, all of this so close to the holidays-very selfish of the bride!!!!

I am sorry but i would not spend that much on a bride to be, especially someone who has not been there for you. your family comes first and i would not rush just to get to her wedding after you step off the plane. That is asking a little much. I agree with others, send a gift and wish her well.
Good luck.

I would skip all of it. Just because you've known her for 10 years doesn't mean she's a good friend. My husband is best man of a couple at church. They are 35, her first wedding, his second. Her shower is PRINCESS themed! As in, wear a costume like a 5 yo. After hearing about your friends 2 day extravaganza, I don't think I'll complain about her princess party. lol Good luck.

You start out saying "my very good friend" but it becomes clear later on that you're not all that close. You're friendly acquaintances that used to be friends.

You have to make your own choices, but I know that if I was in your scenario I would not be attending either the bachelorette party or the wedding. Not from spite, but simply sheer practicality. The cost is too high for the party and you already have plans that conflict with the wedding date.

Send a nice card and gift, but stop trying rearranging your life to suit her. There are no awards for martyring yourself for people who don't really care about you as much as they care about what they are getting out of it. Catering to this kind of behavior does not make you a good person, it makes you a doormat.

Yep. Just say no.

But also be aware: Try not to keep score. Can you see that going on in your post if you read it objectively? You say to yourself "I don't want to make my decision on 'Could she have done it for me'." But you say that only after you give a detailed list of ways she wasn't "there for you," which indicates you do definitely keep a list in your head of your grievances. Those grievances mostly seem to be based on...parties, and who did or didn't attend and who did or didn't take a limo.

You have a young child with a serious condition. Your own past parties and who paid for this or that, or who can or can't pay for one part of her own elaborate weekend-long blowout - it's frankly all extremely trivial compared to the idea of caring for a sick child or planning and budgeting for a major family trip with children. I'd really reconsider whether this friend's priorities are at all in line with yours, and whether you really care to keep spending time with her if you are growing apart. I'd send a gift, say without apology that the bachelorette weekend is outside your time frame and your budget, and that the wedding is a no-go since you are flying home the same day from vacation, and wish her well. From a distance.

If she is a person who would hold it against you for not coming to her ridiculously self-centered bachelorette weekend, then do you really need her as a friend anyway? Focus on your kids and on your grown-up life, not on party pressure that sounds more fitting for high schoolers than grown women with marriages and children.

I would skip the wedding completely. You booked a trip for your daughter because they were not clear on what they were going to do. No monetary amounts were stated at the beginning for the bridal weekend affair. You and the other friends could run up a tab of a few thousand on this before it is all over and have nothing to show for up but credit card bills.

As you stated you and a few others could do a small private party for her later. I would do that and move on. She does not sound like a friend I would want to keep.

Find a few new people who much more in common with your current life style and let her go. Life is too short for all these changes over a wedding. Those days of the excess are over.

the other S.

PS: Do not think of yourself as an "after thought' just to get more gifts. I wouldn't want her for a friend.

Really? I think you answered your own question here...

Tell them sorry, you can't attend - go to Disneyland and have a BLAST and if you think about it? Send this "Friend" a card and gift... As you KNOW she's NOT a friend, not even a "Very good friend", right? Once you acknowledge she's not a friend? You won't have any guilt.

You KNOW she's not a friend. You KNOW she's NOT even close to being a "VERY GOOD FRIEND" - let it go...when you do?? You can breathe and all will be well...

Hope you have an AWESOME time at Disneyland!

This does not sound like a friendship to me. I know that is sad to hear and I realize you are not basing your feelings on tit for tat on what has gone on between you two in the past.

There is no respect for your time, time away from your family or respect for the financial aspect of this event. A planner has no right to dictate to any guests what they should, should not do and how much money to spend. You have no paperwork in front of you explaining the costs of everything, how do you really know what everything costs? It sounds as if you can't trust the planner with details since they change so much, especially pricewise.

My idea would be to just say to her that you are sorry that this is not working out the way you had hoped. You want to celebrate her special day but due to the circumstances you are just unable to comply with all of her set rules for her big day.

Don't shortchange your family trip to accommodate this Bridezilla.

Good luck and remember... a true friend would not do you this way... a true friends respects you.

I'm sorry, this isn't a friend. You are keeping score and that's not what true friends do.

your family is your priority. You do what you can afford. If this were me? I would give my regrets for both the party and the wedding. Send a small gift and let sleeping dogs lie.

S.

Tell her you'll make the next one!

:-)

Frankly, you really do not seem to be close friends with this person. I would send a card and gift to everything and call it good. It sounds like the people planning the get togethers have unrealistic expectations on what everyone can afford. This doesn't work for your family...period. Bow out gracefully and do not attend. If the bride gets really angry about this considering the circumstances...oh well...you really were not close friends anyway.

I'm exhausted just reading your post. Skip it all. Take care of your family. Enjoy Disneyland.

Ummmm....no.
WAY to much demanding going on here.
Can you say: Bridezilla?

IF you can--go to the reception IF YOU can.
If not, I wouldn't sweat it.

There's a HUGE difference between being a friend and jumping through ridiculous hoops!

Heck--I would be VERY tempted to MAIL a card & gift card, regrets & best wishes before I left for Disneyland and call it a day.

i wouldn't attend the bachelorette or the wedding.

I wouldn't go to any of it. You have other obligations and her actions towards you show she is not really a good friend any way.

You are way to nice. I wouldn't go thru all the trouble you are going thru to make her bachelorette party or wedding, and not because I'm vengeful but because this friendship is one sided.

I would have to decline all. You have too much going on.

I would just say sorry I can't do this. And don't.

Please stop being torn about this. It's not worth it. You simply tell her you are sorry but your vacation plans that you made before you were invited prevent you from getting there. (You don't know if the plane is going to be late getting back, etc.) Tell her you'll come visit sometime and catch up and see all the beautiful pictures. Skip the bachelorette party as well. No need to go. You're a busy mom. And do not think twice about this. Your priorities now are your family and that's the way it should be. She isn't worth the extra effort, but your family sure is.

Be strong and just decline. You can do it.

What ever one else said : no I wouldn't go.

I think that it's obvious to you that you know what you should do: devote yourself to your daughter, your son, and your husband. Take care of your sick daughter. Enjoy your son's surprise trip. Relax with your family.

If you try to do all this (an expensive far-away bachelorette party, fitting in a wedding while hoping all the planes are on time, getting dressed for a wedding after a vacation in the car), well, you will end up over stressed and this will all require military-precision timing.

Let go of this extra stuff. Focus on taking care of your family. Just tell yourself out loud: I'm letting this go, and I'm thankful for the blessings of my family, and that's where my heart is and this is right.

This doesn't have to change your feelings that you have some good memories about your friendship with her, it just comes down to timing, if that makes you more comfortable. You have a daughter with an illness, a family trip planned, a son who needs time with Mommy and Daddy (and Mickey Mouse), a husband who will need you after your trip, and this is no time to be jaunting around hundreds of miles and getting dropped off places and dressing in a car. Think of how nervous you'll be on your way home if you realize how much will have to work perfectly in order for you to attend this wedding! Relax! Since you're going to Disneyland, sing the Frozen theme song to yourself. "Let it Go".

Sounds like she is an ACQUAINTANCE not a friend. Please cut your loses and do stuff with her when you can. But don't invest so much into this relationship. Obviously your friendship is in the past. Life has happened and she's actually cut you out unless it suits her to get money from you.

I would not go to either. I don't know why you are still friends with her.

Enjoy your Disneyland Vacation

You are not going to any of the events...way too inconvenient. Enjoy your family and forget about the guilt.

S.....you are not going!!