What Would You Do? - New York,NY

Why don't you try to talk to the thirteen year old about it? See if you can get anything out of him. You can also call CPS and ask them their policy about hoarders, without naming names. Hoarding is a mental illness, so there should be some sympathy for it. But if you've watched the show, the kids are usually severely affected by it.

Start by doing those two things, and then go from there.

And, per Kimberly's response, you should be prepared to take the boys in.

Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? If not, you should. You should also let him know that if he doesn't do anything, you feel as if you have no choice and you will take some action.

There is another way you can go about this. Rather than contacting CPS, could you contact the building owner/manager and tell him/her of your concerns and ask them to schedule an inspection of the apartment. I believe that with proper notice, they have a right to conduct an inspection.

It must be very hard on your nephews, not only living like that, but also having to keep the secret.

P.S. I called CPS once on my own daughter. You have to do what you have to do to protect the children!

T.;

If you aren't willing to advocate for your nephews, who will?

If you feel they are in danger - call CPS. And tell them you believe the house is unsafe and unsanitary. I really don't know what they will do.

If you can step up - maybe you can take your nephews in. I don't know. I know that hoarding is a mental illness. You can't just go in and start cleaning...everything has a meaning, purpose, reason why they kept it. Some people can go EVIL BAT CRAZY - when their things are touched or taken from them.

When you have your nephews over again - tell them they can tell you ANYTHING. They don't need to stop talking. Your home is a safe zone for them. If you feel that the older one will not allow his brother to talk - then get them separated and start asking questions - what friends do do you like to come over to your new place? What do you like about your new place? Open-ended questions that do NOT lead him. Let him tell you.

If you don't feel comfortable calling CPS - then go to their school and discuss your concerns with the school counselor. They will talk to the boys and see how the boys come to school (disheveled, dirty, clothes not the right size, etc.) and they can take action. And you won't have to lie to your sister that it was NOT you.

This isn't about creating drama. This is about creating a safe environment for children.

If CPS is called in are you prepared to be a host parent for your nephews? A call to CPS isn't the end of the world. Shedding light on her problem and getting her help would help the boys. What I would suggest is that to prepare yourself by signing up for the classes the CPS system offers to host parents, they will also request fingerprints and ask you a host of prying questions but at least you would be approved to take them on. The other thing to consider is if you have the squarefootage needed for the children. They require x amount of square feet for the bedrooms of the kids for x number of kids and they will need their own beds but in some cases CPS will provide the additional beds too.

Trust me when it comes out and it will you may want to be the soft place your nephews get to land. This is part of what happened to me.

Please call cps. Give me the address, I will do it.

There may not be a middle ground. You may have to decide to get involved at any cost or let things go on as they are. We are dealing with this same type of situation with my sister and her kids and it is never ending and heart breaking to deal it.

Take a minute and access what you know...

Are the kids in danger or just not in your ideal situation?
Are the kids miserable or just embarrassed?
Are the kids being denied friends or play dates completely or just ones in their home?
Are the kids dirty and unhealthy or just messy?
Are they being feed and well taken care of otherwise?

Would their life be better off in someone else's home while their parents try to get their act together?

Finally, are you willing to go all the way to the end with this if you think it is worth pursuing?

It WILL make things worse between you and your extended family...maybe temporarily or maybe permenently. It may mean the kids will have to go to another family member until things are settled...are you willing to be that person?

You might be giving the parents the shove to clean up their act, but you might be giving them the shove to hit the road too..

Be careful when talking to the kids, by trying to get the kids to open up to you, you are asking them to disobey their parents and putting them in a tight spot. Plus you are potentially putting yourself in a "bad guy" position instead of the "savior" you want to be and that will make things harder on everyone if you end up sheltering the kids. Or if there is an investigation and everything is deemed "ok".

I would suggest the you go talk to CPS without naming names. Tell them your concerns and talk to them about your options. Then you can make an informed discision once you know where your actions or inaction might lead.

Good luck you have a long road ahead of you.

You can either call CPS, contact the school or let your nephews grow up in a hazardous environment. She might know it was you. Tell the boys you called because you love them and you wanted them (and the parents) to get help. Hoarding is more than just poor housekeeping. The conditions in a house can cause a host of illnesses and injuries. You can even ask CPS what it takes for kinship care so they are not in the foster system while things get sorted, if it comes to that.

If you are concerned enough to be considering calling CPS, ask yourself this: Which is worse, to have there be strife and unhappiness with you, but a chance for the kids to be in a healthy environment, or to live with "not rocking the boat" any more than you have? Your SIL is already upset with you, and nothing you do will undo that.

Also, you might try contacting the kids' school counselors and ask them to see what they can do or recommend you do. The comments about from the older brother to "stop talking" to the younger brother definitely sounds like they are trying to protect their parents, who may be threatening them/blackmailing them to not talk about what they obviously know is wrong.

If you suspect reasonably that children are in danger, you should call CPS. The worst thing you could be is wrong and trust me, if they are living in squalid conditions, CPS and moving to a healthy home where parents are NOT mentally ill while the parents get help is not going to traumatize the further, it's going to give them a sense of normalcy.

has your husband tried talking to her, would it b better coming from him? obviously its a sensitive topic for her.. hoarding is a mental disorder obviously its not going to be an easy tthing to fix she and maybe her husband too need counseling, cleaning the house for them wont help itll just b a mess again ..can u tell other family members and get their help to try to talk to her as well.. its not a safe environment for the kids

Give her the opportunity to do the right thing. Tell her up front that you will be calling CPS unless she agrees to your help with the house. Make SURE you have your husband's support in this...this is his family.

There's no need to be anonymous when you're doing the right thing.

The other thing is that if she is truly a hoarder just cleaning and organizing her living space (all of it) will not "cure" her. There are underlying reasons and those issues whatever they may be need to be identified and dealt with.

Interesting first time post from a new user.

Hoarding and filth are not the same thing. If she has a mental illness, doing a one time cleanup of her home won't solve the problem. I would suggest thinking about doing a full-family intervention where everyone steps in .