My Mother Is Disgusting... Who Should I Call

First off, I will just say that this exists in my family also. My grandparents are/have been hoarders for as long as I can remember. My grandfather had a stroke after ignoring his health for years (bad teeth, smelled bad, the whole nine yards), and the social worker who was assigned to his case told my grandmother in no uncertain terms that my grandfather would not be released unless/until the house was cleaned up. So... I drew the short straw (well, and also I'm a construction manager) and had to go spearhead cleaning up the house and making it wheelchair accessible. OMG... it was so overwhelming. I rented a 40 cubic yard dumpster (which is about the size of a school bus) and filled it THREE TIMES! And that was just what came out of the house! Hired an entire work crew to clean out the back yard and filled that dumpster two more times. I had to make my grandmother stay out of the house the whole time. I found paperwork at the bottom of the piles of junk, from the 1950's. No joke.

So after that experience, we staged a family intervention. My aunt took my grandmother to the doctor and he prescribed anti-depressants. Apparently hoarders have a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is an actual mental disorder BUT it can be helped with medication usually. My grandmother has been on the medication for several years and I am pleased to say that in the 7 years since this intervention took place, her house is actually clean enough that we can go visit her! I mean, she's not the world's best housekeeper, but her house is not filthy and she is no longer hoarding.

If you can, get your mother to the doctor. I know it's hard since she may not have insurance, but could the CPS case worker help out somehow and get her a referral? Once she is medicated for this disorder, help her clean her place up. I know it's hard, but she will need a push in the right direction. Once you have her moving in the right direction, work on your dad.

Good luck. This is such a hard issue. Just know you're not alone. It's a more common issue than you think.

It sounds like the Hoarders show would be better suited for this than Dr. Phil. Here is the website to refer someone for the Hoarders show. It's a form to fill out. http://hoardersdocumentary.com/machform/view.php?id=3 You can upload optional photos of the hoarder and their house. I think that having both parents might make for an interesting angle for the show. Also, here is their webpage full of resources including treatment centers, cleanup companies, websites, etc. http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/treatment/ and of special interest may be childrenofhoarders.com

I would focus my efforts on getting a safe environment for the children, even if that means putting the 17 yr old in a separate home from the twins. Are there any relatives who would take any of the kids? I understand that you have too much going on in your life already. Maybe it will help you to check out childrenofhoarders.com. Have you watched Hoarders on A&E? Have your parents watched it? Can you let the 17 yr old watch it when she's over? Can you share w/ the 17 yr old how you have managed to avoid repeating the cyle of hoarding? If you don't have A&E, maybe a friend or relative could tape some episides, or maybe you can watch some on the internet. Good luck!

Your mom needs to have a case manager from a community mental health center to come in and help her make lifestyle changes. Most times people who hoard cannot keep their homes clean even after everything is cleaned and thrown away. They go right back out and buy more and get right back to where they were before. She has to have long term intervention.

If CPS does not take the kids then they are in sad shape. They will never fit into society and be able to live productive lives and be accepted. They smell, no one will hire them like that. That alone is going to make them undesirable.

Call around tomorrow and find a place that is based on income levels or free. It should be free if they have no insurance and are not working. She can be better but it may take years. Help her to make the changes but let her think it's her idea....

You can call the police to investigate. Or you can call your local health department and report the conditions of the house. Keep calling CPS. Sadly, in this country it's easier to get a dog removed from a disgusting home than a child.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Personally, I'd start with the police and request a child welfare visit from them to check on the well-being of the kids They'll get the health department and/or CPS involved if they feel it's warranted. Good luck.

I think you've gotten some great advice, especially from Tracy T. You sound like a very loving, smart, level-headed person who has the world on her shoulders. I just want you to know that I'll be praying for you; for peace, strength, provision, and wisdom.

Let her and your dad know your siblings need help. Give them the number for Child Protective Services. Tell them both they have until the new year to call them and get help to make significant changes in the physical and emotional care of your siblings otherwise you will contact CPS for them. Let them know you are doing this out of love and that they have to help themselves and that you will not help them until you see significant and consistent improvement.

You can call their caseworker at CPS and explain the situation and that they need help. You could also call (or instead) your local mental health department-they may be a better bet as they deal with hoarding as a mental illness. Explain your situation or rather Mom and Dad's situation and that you are trying to find help for them. I believe the A and E website also has some information on their section about their hoarding shows.
They can also get them help with some parenting courses/information. I think you can watch a couple of old episodes of both "Hoarders" and "Hoarding: Buried Alive as well on the A and E site.
In the meantime when you have the twins over (if you do ) maybe you can in the big sister role teach them some hygiene and basic tidying up of rooms etc.
Also check out www.flylady.net There are some older testimonials that deal with exactly this. You can also tailor her program to what you need. Perhaps Mom or Dad would be interested in reading some of her how to's and encouragement...
Good vibes and positive thoughts for you

I agree, I would not allow them to live with you. But as a nice holiday season gesture, you could buy and schedule a housekeeper for a one time cleaning and also take your twin siblings for a hairwash and cut as a gift as well. Just an idea.

The kids have to be properly cared for - 6 years old is pretty little to be dealing with all this. Talk to your mother and tell her she needs to get her act together for the kids but if she cannot or if she argues it with you, you'll have to call CPS for the kids. My mother is a hoarder. She wouldn't clean up - or rather let us clean up - until we just told her it could not be like this anymore. A lot of time hoarders have to hit bottom, like an alcoholic, before they will do anything so they have to feel that they are going to lose their house or their kids or both. Often, they do not see the reality of their situation at all so reason may not help. It really is an emotional disorder. This will be very tough for you, but it's not right for the kids to grow up this way.

Well I hate to say anything bad. She is your mother. However, if you are worried about her health and the condition of her home, you need to maybe have a sit down talk with the Landlord first and have them look in her home. If they won't do anything, you should call Department of Human Services and let them know that you know of a home that has unsafe conditions and if they would check it out. I am not sure how that will all help. I don't think you should call any shows... charity work always begins at home. You should try to find local people who will help.

Oh my gosh I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this!!!!!! I completely agree with you that you should definately get on the Dr. Phil show. Dr. Phil will whip your parents into shape, he is tough! So, did you family members really call CPS, or just threaten to? I think someone should call CPS because your poor siblings are being extremely neglected. Maybe start out trying to get on the Dr. Phil show (try very hard to get on the show) and if that doesn't work out, call CPS. This needs to stop. Best of luck.

I'm surprise social services, CPS and the like are not doing anything. All that clutter and filth become a neighborhood problem, a magnet for rats, roaches, etc and you'd think zoning/health violations would be charged.
If social services are not doing their job, it might be time to call in the media.
There is usually a local news station who has a 'Call for Action' number. There's nothing like some public embarrassment of local officials to get things moving.
You might just have to walk away and not deal with it anymore. It's sad for the kids, but sometimes you just can't save other people.

I am so sorry about this situation in your life. Just wanted to tell you that if your mom has been disgnosed and taking meds - she is not well, so her behaviour cannot be expected to be normal . She may be needy and imballanced and whatever for the rest of her life... Meds will make her "functioning" but never "nornal". So you cannot help that or change that.

The only area that you can do some good is to help your sibs. May be they can live with you or other relatives that can bring them up better than your mom.

Good luck.

I am curious what has CPS done? My 1st ex had a family like that huge fat and watched tv all day. The dad some time just did not pay bills and no heat or lights. They lived separate her upstairs bad mouthing the dad and he down. He had women on the side and one time her just grabbed her ankle and twisted it til it broke. You could smell the house from the street. The mom would take the kids to 1st Ave where protitutes hung out for a show and entertainment. I did her hair and she did get to come to our wedding as her older girls made she she was cleaned up. One sister ended up being about 600 pounds. She passed a couple years ago in her 50's. My granddaughter who was taken from her mom when taken to the dentist was told she was abused. Her teeth were so black it took several weeks to get them clean. Today she lives with me is very clean, and has braces but I would think those kids need to be taken away from your parents. You can not fix them. I would stay away never to come back until they cleaned up.I used to take my children to see grandma and grandpa when they were little then decided I did not want that influence on them. They dropped a car under that couch and I feared getting bit by a rat. The grandpa would send small gifts here and there but they never saw them from the time they were little.. One time they came unannounced and she was eating popcorn and I told her not to give my son any as he was to little. I had mirrored walls and when my back was turned she gave him son. That was the last time I saw them. All are gone now including my ex. My ex married 4 times. The last one for over 20 yrs. He never could handle money. Worked at the same job for 25 yrs and others since. Got to retire but the younger siblings he cared for for years taking them food. His sister died about a week after he did. Messed up in their minds. One younger brother alive. There were 4 older kids and the two girls were taken by their grandma and raised and they were fine. So you can see what happens to the children raised in that invirionment. I would get them out of there into a stable home. Foster care or something. Maybe if parents realize they are losing kids they will change. One time someone played a prank on the grandpa and sent him an eviction notice and he painted the outside of the house. They never really hoarded as they had nothing to hoard but what was given to them that was nice they stuck under a bed not using. I just think if you do not come to their rescue they will have to find another way. God gave us survival instincts. But those kids need to be taken. Do not feel guilty and I am so proud of you for doing better. Most go into that same pattern because they know nothing different. You have to be strong. Tough Love is Tough Love. You love them but they are grown ups making their life not you. Have peace that you do not have to live like that and your children will never grow up that way. God Bless pray for them and move on. Take care of you. G. W

Call CPS and have those kids removed. Take them into your home stay away from your parents. There are times when it is good to break the ties and this sounds like one of them.

Take Care!