My husband is a retired Marine. We have friends all over since we have lived on both coasts.
I send Christmas cards, a cheery hello email a few times a year to those in other states.
Last night, in the mail, I got an invitation to an internment for one of our former neighbors.
I am just in shock. He was 37 years old, a Navy Orthopedic surgeon. Healthy as a horse, or so I thought.
My friend woke up to him in distress and yanked him out of bed to start CPR. He died in her arms. He leaves behind three babies, 3, 4 and 6. This is the family my daughters babysat for 3 years in NC. My 14 yo was the M.'s helper when the little guy came along. My 16 yo still refers to the kids as "her kids". He died three days after Christmas.
I am so sad myself. Are there any words other than I'm sorry? What can I do or say to help ease her pain? She said she is in a terrible fog right now. I can't even imagine.
I live in VA, she in SC. The family is coming to the Navy Academy to have him interred. We will defintely go.
Thanks mamas.
Oh mamas, Thank you so much.
I like the Omaha Steaks idea. I will defintely look into something like that.
I will write her every day and call her. I was afraid to call her last night lest I say something stupid.
She's an RN. I know she feels guilty right now that she couldn't save him. He had a massve heart attack.
I don't think there is an appropriate response, everyone is different.
I believe when you get there you will find the words.
I have a list of things *not* to say, including, "It was all for the best", "God had/has a plan", "at least he went quickly", "at least he didn't suffer", or anything else that seeks to minimize or mitigate her grief (especially if it starts with "at least"). My father died suddenly from a car wreck (I was 22), and it was the well-meaning things like that that hurt the most. Even if it's true (and I'm a Christian and believe in God, and the sovereignty of God, so I believe all those things were true), IT STILL HURT, and nothing anybody could say at the time could help, but it could only hurt. "I'm sorry" is good to say, and if you can think of something concrete to do for her (as someone said below, Omaha Steaks, or some other place that can help take care of life for a while -- food, child care), do that. Be open to being a listening post and sounding board -- let her vent and grieve without you saying much except supportive things (meaning, things that agree with her -- "I know... I know... yes... I know it hurts... I know you did all you could do....") -- be her safe person to talk to.
My condolences to your friend.
Just tell her you are stunned, shocked, you don't know what to say and you are so sorry for her loss.
It's the truth.
Nothing can ease her pain, and it will be there over time, but very gradually fade - it may take years - there is no set time table for grief.
Don't try to say anything else.
Many people say things that are meant to be kind but come out just wrong.
She's got her kids to think about and that will keep her busy and distracted.
I remember when my father died from cancer, having people giving us support, stories of how awesome he was, words of comfort, helped more than anyone knew. An orchid we were given back then (Christmas, 05) still blooms at my mom's house to this day and it also gives us comfort. People brought food over, gave us small prayer books and things like that. The comforting is the best to get through an extremely difficult time.
(The night before my dad passed, we were all in his hospital room. He was on a ventilator and right before we left, he had a horrible episode that we all witnessed and my mom, an RN, saved him. We all left and she went home to shower and he passed away alone that night. The trauma of those few days will linger forever like it will for her but the good memories will overtake the bad eventually. Just be there for her.)
Sometimes just being there says it all.
Sorry for your loss. :(
I am so sorry for your loss. I have heard it said that the best thing you can do is be there for the family. Call her, cry with her, and I think your kids,, as their previous babysitters, can also ease the kids pain by being there for them as far as phone calls especially to the 6 year old who is big enough to understand that Daddy isnt coming back. There are also lots of books on kids dealing with grief... maybe you could mail some to them on a regular basis since the mom will be out of it for a while... she probably won't think of it.. You could have one book per child when you go to the Navy Academy... God's blessings to you all... Gosh, my husband and I are both 37.. what on earth killed him??
There are no words of comfort for this girl and her family at this time.
Our 6 year old grandson died in July after fighting brain tumors - though expected, it still happened much sooner that the timeline we were given. Days are a fog - people will be there but she will hardly notice - her mind ins focusing on arrangements; how to take care of her children for that moment (can;t think towards tomorrow). It's when everyone goes home and she;s left alone for the first time, the fear sets in. We had one family send us a gift set of Omaha Steaks which are all frozen and can be put away for future dinners cause eventually friends and family stop briging food to the house- so this was a huge help to us. You sure don't want to cook for a long time and they have everything including the vegetables and potatoes. That's one suggestion.
The need for people is in the next few weeks - lots of phone calls; cards. Sadly the only thing that helps is time. I'm so sorry for this family.
Their is really nothing you can say to it easier. Try to be there for the family as much as you can... make sure you keep in touch with them - I know you are not close as to distance, but a phone call or e-mail to let them know you are still with them will help. Right now they are still in the shock phase of everything - it will take time to fully understand what is going, once they do they will need you more then.
If you are going to the interred, ask if their is anything you can do. Most of the time when you loose someone you just need to know you are not alone, but one thing you don't want to hear is "I know how you feel" or " I know what you are going through" unless the person saying it has lost the same kind of person - in this case a spouse.
But I am also sorry for your loose as a friend... and America's loose of a great man, soldier and surgeon!
I'm so very sorry. In this sort of world, we have to be prepared that anything can happen, unhappily. It's hard to think about, much less deal with, when the "anything" happens to a friend.
You'll need to help your own family as well as your friend and her family.
Being there for the service will help greatly. There isn't a whole lot to say, and at this point she might not hear or remember much of it anyhow. Hug her, hold her hand, stand with her if she wants you there. Be a listening ear for anything she wants to say (or vent).
Continue to be there after the service. Even after a little time goes by and people have to get back to their own lives, she will still be in pain. Call her. E-mail her. Does she have someone to remind her of legal things she must do now? If you can't be there for her in person, contact her *every day* just to say hello, ask if there's anything you can do, listen, and be there virtually. Are you a praying person? Pray for her every single day from now on. That's as important as the listening and the helping.
I never know what to say in those situations either. But say something. Don't not say anything because you don't know what to say. Speak from your heart and tell her what her family meant to you and your family. Her pain is very strong and not much can be said to make that go away but she will take comfort from knowing you care and are there for her. My condolences to you. This must be very sad for you and your children.
There are no right or wrong words. You can only be there for her, help her cuddle the babies, run to the grocery store, hold her hand, pray for her.
Thank your husband for his service and sacrifices for me, please.
I'm sssssoooo sorry for your family's loss. I don't think there are any words you can say to ease the pain - it's never easing losing someone. When you talk to her - ask her what you can do or what she needs. I know you aren't close in location - but there may be things you can do.
