What to Do When You Dislike a Friend's Child?

Updated on April 23, 2008
J.H. asks from Port Chester, NY
7 answers

I have a 9 month old son who has a few little playmates.

I know this must sound awful but I really dislike two of my friends' children. One is a baby, about a year old, and he's just noisy and well, annoying. It doesn't help that he's totally wired all the time and my friend tends to sit back and let him run wild...in MY home. And I'm a germophobe...I know this...but she's the other extreme. The kid licks the mall floor and she doesn't flinch. So I get very jumpy about him touching my baby because who knows the last time she bothered to wash his hands.

Child #2 is a 6 year old girl who, while she plays very nicely with my son, is completely destructive and rude. She just broke my son's favorite toy..a very expensive all maple walker from a natural company. She took it form him and began swinging it around and smashed it into an urn and it shattered. Again, the mom did very little despite my pleas for her to STOP and also hardly fliched as the toy lay on the ground in 7 pieces. She's also very rude. never says please or thank you and gets into everything...even when told not to.

I used to be a nanny for a family of 4 and I know that children at 6 have a grasp of manners.

What do I do? I want my son to have some playtime but I really dislike these kids and the way the MOMS bring them here and expect me to watch them while they sit on their butts in my kitchen. I'm afraid that something is going to get broken. (My husband has some very priceless art and antiques in the house and this 6 yr old child will go in any rooms she pleases despite us closing doors.)

How do you handle this without being rude?

Thanks!

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C.O.

answers from New York on

It sounds like you need to find new playmates. I have a 9 month old little boy as well, and while he is really social with his cousins (2 2years olds and 1 4 year old) he is not really playing with them as much as watching. I agree it is good for him to be around other kids and babies, but if you aren't enjoying yourself, find new friends. And just back slowly off the old ones. an "i am just too busy to make it" works well enough in my mind.

On a side note, I can understand your frustrations at the 6 year old. However, a 6 year old is so light years ahead of the other 2 babies, these play dates can't be fun for her after the initial baby-fascination wears off. It is not a surprise that she is acting out if she is basically left alone to play with 2 babies who she can't really be social with. It all sounds a little mis matched to me. Your frustrations are totally founded.
However all that being said, if you want to continue your friendship with the moms, you have to find a way to put up with the kids. You would expect the same for your son.

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K.O.

answers from New York on

I think the obvious answer is to stop hanging out with them. Children are very influential on other children so if you don't like the behaviour then avoid having your child around it. You could be spending your playtime with people you like! I would start declining playdates and then maybe later down the road try again!

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R.L.

answers from New York on

Next time the kids are over I'd lay down the rules. What they are and are not allow to do in your home. If they don't respect it, play date is OVER. The only other thing you can do is choose not to get together

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K.C.

answers from New York on

If you really want to see the mom and have the playdate, either go to their house or find a neutral spot (playground, indoor gym, kids museum). Otherwise, don't put up with this; since you can't discipline them yourself, all you can do is take control of your end of the situation. If the above aren't options, then it's time to make yourself "unavailable" when they call for a playdate. May sound harsh but you sound very stressed out after these playdates, which frankly, isn't worth it!

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S.P.

answers from New York on

Is it possible for you to have the playdates at other people's homes? This way when the other kids get to be too much to bear, you can just leave. I have very little tolerance for other people's rude kids and I believe children do imitate each other and that type of disrespectful and rude behavior is not what you want your children to learn.

I would address the parents and if the behavior continues, find new playdates. :)

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C.R.

answers from New York on

It has happened to me. You can try to have a "grilfriends night out" without kids so that you can still see your friend. If that is not possible and you still want to be friends with her and if the playdates with your friend kids are not part of a larger playgroup you do not need to have her kids over at your house. Now that the weather is getting warmer you can have outings together at a local park. In the winter you may want to go to a children's museum or any other indoor activity. It's true that it is more expensive than playdates at home, ut it may still be cheaper than the expensive solid maple walker. Good luck!

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R.B.

answers from New York on

Your son doesn't need friends this badly I'm sure!!! I would talk to the moms about their children's behavior but be ready for the looks of pure surprise and disgust. They will probably try to make you feel like something is wrong with you and not their kids. Stop having them in your home. Do you want your son to pick thier habits. Be assured that your husband will blame you.

I have a friend that I like a lot but I can't stand to even hear her son's name. I don't like him and my kids don't like him either. I have distanced myself from her because I don't want to spend time with him at all. I even hate for him to speak to me. I don't know if she has figured out that he is the reason but I had to do it.

Is friendship with these women and your child having playdates worth your being upset and frazzled in your own home. I think not!!! There are other children for him to play with. I'm sure you can tell them without hurting their feelings or just stop having playdates at your home and don't attend when they have them at their homes. Eventually they will get the hint.

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