What to Do When DH Cannot Handle Children and Life in General?

There is not much you can do to help him except to convince him to seek psychiatric help. It seems he may need antidepressants.

Your husband needs to see a doctor. He doesn't have to be "pro-active", but maybe if you tell him that you love him and to do it for YOU and his kids, then he'll get on it.

Second, you may want to get your DS assessed by Early Intervention to make sure he doesn't have Sensory Issues. Extreme tantrums can be a reaction to things he can't deal with, and if he has a sensory processing problem, he can't control his reactions and some sensory input - like the baby crying - can actually be painful for him. If he does have sensory issues, you may be able to get help from the school district, for free, to cope with them and help him deal with them. This would possibly improve DS's behavior, which would relieve stress all around.

He is depressed. Probably clinically depressed, right now. You can stand on your head right now or do absolutely everything and it will not make a difference.

It's probably his personality struggle and it could be a lifelong thing you have to watch for but he can be MUCH better in about 6 weeks if he gets some proper help, including the RIGHT medicine and counseling.
Most people go through their PCP but that's often not as specific and effective as a doctor of the mind, a psychiatrist.

Getting him there maybe a trick. If he recognizes his lack of hope, then maybe he will recognize the symptoms of male depression. Try googling them and see if he sees himself. You will be his barometer of shame. If you are on board with this being a medical problem, and it is, and not weakness, which it is not, then he will be open to help.

Try going with him to his PCP. let them know what you have told us here. Do not stop till you have the right strength of medicine. Change it every month till he is better, if you have too. Nobody should suffer this much. You or him.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I would STRONGLY suggest that your husband go to your PCP and talk with him/her about his anxiety and temper - then get referred to a therapist so that he can learn to control his temper and get out of his funk. If YOU think he's suicidal? then MAYBE he needs to be checked into a facility to help him out? He needs to find out what is causing the temper issues, anxiety, etc.

Your son? Stop making excuses for him because he's smart or "very active"...rules must be followed, fellow members of the family deserve respect and there is no screaming in the house. Make the rules for EVERYONE!!!

Your son also needs to be seen by his pediatrician. If he is reacting to his sister's screams? He MIGHT need to be evaluated at his young age for Spectrum aspects or AD/HD. Diet change can help with SOME forms of AD/HD - more unprocessed foods - no high fructose corn syrup...food coloring, etc.

If you go to Church - get involved MORE in the church - you might find someone there who can help you out as well. That may be the catalyst he needs in order to get the help he needs.

You and your husband need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting your children. Rules, discipline, rewards, etc. COMMUNICATE....tell him you are scared that he is sinking into a deep depression and want him to get help.

Family counseling to learn how to deal with your children together as a team would help too...maybe parenting classes? Check out your local social services office - even your local university - they might be able to help for reduced fees!

Good luck! You will be in my prayers.

He needs to be seen by a doctor...and, then, possibly for a referral. He might have depression, etc...

When something like this gets in the way of daily life activities, then, something needs to be done.

Suggest a doctors visit, marriage therapy, etc...Hopefully, he will attend one of these to get the ball rolling.

There is a book called "Love Languages" that might help...but, this would not be in place of a professional.

If your 3 yr old and baby are overwhelming to him, then, seek out a parenting class. 3 yr olds can be VERY trying. He might be playing off your husbands negativity, too. If he freaks out to loud noises and other sensory issues---check w/ a local Occuaptional therapist.

A child w/ sensory really needs to be seen, too. If a child has sensory, it is not his fault--and it can make parenting a "bear" until there is intervention ! I know---I had and still have it !

As his wife, you need to help him through this. He is sick, you must be his advocate just the same as if he had cancer or some other affliction.

You must take him to his PCP and have him evaluated and get a recommendation for therapy and medication. To do this, you need to sit him down when the kids are asleep and have a serious talk. Be in charge but be loving. Let him know how worried you are about him.

Once he is on meds and talking to a therapist, you will see some differences. It won't happen overnight but as long as you are progressing, you will be ok.

Good luck - and be strong!

I was in a similar situation until recently. Please try to get him to his doctor or a psychiatrist. My DH finally opened up to his psychiatrist (who he had been seeing for his ADHD). He was put on anti-depressants and the difference is amazing. Its like we've gotten our life back. It took a while but once he got past the shame and realuzed a lot of people get depressed and its okay to ask for help, he was able to open up.

It's time for him to talk to the doc. I don't normally tell anyone to see an MD/DO for depressions symptoms but I bet your hubby would not see a psychiatrist right?

If he has a doc he's comfortable with he/you need to call and make an appointment for his for a mental health check.

If "You" make the call to set the appt. YOU need to be specific. Ask for the nurse first and talk to them if you don't want people knowing at the front desk. Tell the person at the office that you end up talking to what is going on, he's sad, he SAYS life is XXxxXXxX, he isn't handling the new baby and the 3 year old's behaviors well, etc....be specific and ask if the doc will see him for this. If he says no then hubby will have to decide where to go next. He may have to make an appointment with a psychiatrist for a med appointment.

Once he gets on a good antidepressant he should seem calmer, less moody, more even tempered. After several weeks he should seem back to his old self.

I hope things work out. It's hard having a kiddo who probably has some sensory issues and then a new baby too.

I think the others are right, that DH needs to go see a dr. about his depression.

Having little kids is exhausting, and you may just have to do most of it yourself. I did most of it myself, and fortunately I was a SAHM, so hopefully you don't have to work, in addition to caring for the kids.

Give DS as much extra attention as you can, because of the birth of DD, and use simple discipline techniques -- consequences and ignoring of certain negative behaviors, since you recognize that DS thrives on negative attention.

Little kids are exhausting. But, somehow, you get through that phase. And you can do it without husband's help, if you are a SAHM. I did, for the most part.

If you are working, that is a different scenario, and others can advise you. I just know that imo trying to change, fix and micromanage husbands is more difficult than simply dealing with the kids all by yourself.

Yeah, everything was "perfect" until life kicked in. Does your husband have a history of feeling overwhelmed or depressed? When he says that nothing makes him happy, what do you say? When did you first start to notice that you two were no longer living in bliss? I think that I'm trying to get a feel for how much you two talk to each other. If you're afraid to talk to him now, then how open could you have been in the past? Having children around and/or feeling responsible for them can be very overwhelming for some. I guess they don't know it until it happens. I wonder how many couples ever talk about parenthood and really consider their individual constitutions before bringing children into the relationship. ...How many do it because they just think that it's the next step in life.

Talk to your husband. Don't just ask him for help with the house and kids. Find out what his thoughts and feelings are, so you will know how to address him when these things come up. Have someone watch the kids for a bit, while you two enjoy a little down time. Then, TALK TO HIM. You might want to acknowledge with him that having two very young children is not necessarily a walk in the park. You may or may not want to get some ideas from your pediatrician for how to manage the older one. Maybe he's just very sensitive to and mirrors his father's temperament (possible). Maybe there's more going on. Get with your husband and determine what your parental goals are and how you think that you might realistically achieve them.

Talk to him about what's going on at work. What else does he do? If my husband felt unfulfilled in life, I don't think that I'd jump to the conclusion that he could be suicidal at my mere mention of the issues that we face. if you have reason to believe that he might be suicidal, then you should surely speak with a therapist for tools and a consistent sounding board.

First thing your husband needs is a full physical. I am going to guess he has low testosterone, which can bring on or amplify, depression. Then he needs to see a psychiatrist.

Once he begins to get some help and is ready to work on your marriage, the two of you can start on marriage counseling.

Your husband is ill. There is nothing shameful about depression. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Most adults will suffer from sort some of depression at some point.

And in the mean time, have your sons hearing tested. Have him tested for sensory sensitivity. Therapy can help to make your son feel calmer.

Hang in there. Life is messy and not perfect, but you love your husband and son, so I am sure you will be able to work with them to get along.

Sorry for your situation, it's a hard one!
Are you members of a church? Maybe you could be the proactive one and try to suggest a family or marriage counselor?
You can't walk on eggshells, or teach your kids to. Kids are so much more perceptive of the adults in their lives than they get credit for. Clearly he is sturggling. Google or search for community groups or counseling that you can become involved in as a family.
Good luck....

I am picturing these two beautiful little ones of yours. And a new baby, sweet! He cannot see how insanely lucky he is right now.
He needs to see that. How, that is the question.
I think he needs professional help and medication, though.

Your 3-year-old and DH sound just like mine to some degree. Sometimes I feel like I'm with TWO little kids, trying to keep them in separate areas of the house to keep the peace. Our other kids are more easy-going.

Hi L.,
I am sorry that this is such a difficult time for you. I don't think that your child has a problem like sensory issues or so, I think he is a child responding, reacting towards your husband and may be your worrisome attitude/behavior.
It is hard to fix this by yourself, and depends a lot on your husband's willingness to seek help (family, doctor, etc) there are more than his behavior towards children, and many things may come from his childhood, experiences, etc. Try to talk to him calmly when your kid is asleep, in a very quiet environment, and especially when he is VERY calm and in the best of his moods, it must be a time when you can do this. Do it for your child, and yourself, for your family and marriage. It is hard. I do not have the perfect and proactive husband myself; my husband is a very difficult person (but I adore him!) and dislikes doctors, dentist and much more psychologist, so I understand what you mean; however, I talk, talk, talk to husband without anger or nagging, and helps a lot. If things turn out worse, you need to find help some way. Your kid is totally being affected by the situation, and he is at risk to be overdiagnosed with something he doesn't have for real (so keep an eye on it). Your child has his "bucket" empty.....all of us, I learned once, have a bucket that is filled with love, respect, consideration, kindness, but sometimes because of life, the bucket becomes empty or half empty with things we do not need. The bucket must be nurtured, every relationship must be nurtured to survive and find happiness.
The best of luck, take care and find help

A. :)

Zoloft.

It's easier if you both go to the same doc (we do). You go with him to his primary physician. Help him explain the problems. Ask for zoloft.

In two weeks it changed my life. In 6 weeks (with one dosage adjustment) - and I feel happy and relaxed again.