What to Do About This?

You poor thing. Before anything else, ask a question - any question, or else all that work you did typing this out might be removed.

Honestly, I think you need to get yourself checked out for some serious depression, number one...because that sounds like the major issue...not your husband.

In my ideal world, the husband works to provide, is a good dad, and the mother does everything else. That's essentially my life...I do EVERYTHING in the house (except mow). I don't expect my husband to clean, laundry, etc.

You say he works and provides and is a good dad...maybe the communication problems stem more from your own depression. If you're so upset you would intentionally not pay your bills, well...I really think you need to get some help, for yourself. Maybe if YOU are happier, more content, and doing a great job of taking care of the house, he'll want to talk more. :)

I hope you feel better!

***I don't know if you'll look back through the answers, but I just wanted to add....my husband leaves onion peels and coffee grounds on the cabinet ABOVE the trash can. I mean, a foot away from the garbage. He throws his dirty clothes on the floor NEXT to the hamper. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to SCREAM...I am in your situation with always cleaning up, picking up, etc...but I've given up. I just do it, and try to find the "pleasure in necessity." It works.

Also, I wouldn't jump on the aspergers boat. I have AS. It doesn't make me throw my clothes on the floor. I think you're right...your husband is probably lazy...and you won't change it, I PROMISE you, you won't change it. So if he's a kind man, a good dad and provider...well...no one's perfect. :)

To be honest with you- it sounds like you need to seek out a special therapist to help you get yourself together.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this...call your doctor and tell them you need to see them TODAY and go in with this posting...then have them help you find a therapist that will help you. I'm sorry you cannot pay a lot for therapy but you NEED someone...if you can't afford it - then go to your pastor and start having counseling sessions with him or her. Reading the Bible and praying is a great thing!! However, surrounding yourself with people who care deeply make a difference as well..

You cannot change anyone...however, you can change yourself.

As to sharing the responsibilities? well, again - you can't change him. you can stop expecting things.

You CANNOT NOT pay the bills - that is not good FOR ANYONE...

Please do NOT run away...running away won't change anything and it won't help you.

If you have friends but cannot talk to them - they aren't friends....friends aren't just people who smile at you - they help you in times of need.

Oh Honey, you are overwhelmed and def a little depressed! You are looking to him to fulfill all of your emotional needs, and he just does not think the same way!

I hope you have some GFs or sisters to rant too. And you really SHOULD consider a little therapy, even just one or two visits will help. Also, maybe explain how you're feeling to your regular doc, or even OB doc can prescribe something for you, just a little boost, to help to feel more positive and motivated.

So many positive beautiful things happening all around you everyday that you cannot even see through your unhappiness. This is not a guilt trip. This is depression.

Remind yourself everyday of the GOOD stuff (you mentioned quite a LOT of good stuff here). Every MINUTE if you have to.

Life is to be celebrated, when the negative inhibits your ability to see ANY positive, it's time to call in the pros.

Thinking about you, rootin' for you, hope you'll keep us posted!

:)

It sounds like you DO have a question - what can you do to not feel so unhappy, but you are so sad that you can't quite verbalize it. Why can't you talk to your friends? Are they more like acquantainces? If they are true friends, that is what they are there for.
Mrslavallie is spot on - you do sound depressed - not situationally, but clinically. You can go to your regular doctor and talk to him/her and they can hopefully refer you to a therapist that has what is called a sliding scale fee - pay what you can.
If it is hard to talk to your husband, write a letter to him, but you don't necessarily have to show it to him. Kind of like the letter you wrote here. That you love him, that he's a good dad, but you still feel lonely and need someone - anyone to talk to. You can talk to any of us that respond, so that hopefully will help, but you also need some one on one communication so you won't be a sad mom, wife, woman. Never feel embarassed to cry - heck, I'm getting teary at work reading all of your responses! I cry all the time!

You are NOT alone. So many women feel this way. You came to the right place for a start.

I feel sad for you. I urge you to try counseling. Sounds like your husband is a good person but the two of you have communication issues. Both of you can learn how to relate to each other in better ways. If he won't go, you go and get started.

I recommend a book, titled, Nonviolent Communication. It talks about ways to talk with each other that help us to get what we need and want. Take a look at their web site to get an idea of how it works.

Start with a visit to your doctor and get medication for your depression. Life will look better once you get your body chemistry straightened out.

Sweetie, I agree that you sound depressed. Whether this is because your brain is suffering a chemical imbalance or because you are holding onto unworkable beliefs, the result is that you are sad and discontent.

It is difficult to have a partner who will not share our deepest thoughts with us, but it is also fairly common. Lots of men lack the sort of tender concerns that most women experience, and lack much desire or even ability to talk about things that they just don't find important.

In many reasonably happy marriages, the husband does exactly what your husband does, or less. The husbands see themselves as providers for their families, and expect to be appreciated for that huge contribution. Those wives are often pretty satisfied because they find other social connections that allow them to talk about other things that are important to them. A girlfriend, or a few girlfriends, and some outside-the-home activity that make us feel useful, are how many of us keep our lives vital and satisfying.

You may find some relief from your sadness with a wonderful self-help process called The Work, as taught by Byron Katie. You can download all the materials for free on this web page: http://www.thework.com/thework.php.

What you do is fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on your husband. Put in all your most difficult and disappointing beliefs about how he should be. Then take one of your statements, and ask The Four Questions. Then do the Turnarounds. If you really throw yourself into it, you'll probably feel lighter when you're done. Then you go on to the next statement and follow the same process.

The Work can make a huge difference in your life – both my husband and I use this process when we are stuck in some negative attitude toward someone. You can also watch many videos on the website, and see how other people process some very difficult and painful issues.

I wish you well.

Ellen, You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve to have a happy mom. Your children deserve to have parents that love and respect each other.

Staying together for the sake of your children is a heavy burden for them.. They do not need that to be their responsibility,

The things you want are not frivolous, they are basic needs.

You need to do something good for yourself. The first thing you need to do is go and get a full physical. Also speak with the doctor about how unhappy you are. Make sure your body is healthy. As we mature our bodies and hormones change and we sometimes do not even realize it.

Then the next thing you need to do is go and see a Therapist by yourself. Many insurances will pay a large amount of this and if your doctor refers you, that will also help. This will be a person who will listen to what you have to say and give you some support about your options.. This is not a person who will judge or force you to do things, this is a person who will help you figure out what it is you need and want and how to get it.

Then you need to get out of the house. You need to join a health club or find a group of women that walks. A group that is a book club, a Bunco group, a church group, volunteer take on a small job.. something that can be your own. Or start a group.. There are always moms out there that would love to have a group of women to do things with.

The other thing is acceptance. Your husband and you have been together a long time. He is not going to change, he does not want to change. You can accept that, or you can decide that is not something you can live with and make a choice and go after it.

Please do not feel guilty. What you are going through is normal. Marriage is for the long haul and many times we change so much we lose ourselves and our own goals.. You just need to find happiness. Go after it..

I think we can all relate to you in some time in our life. When I have felt unappreciated I would gather my friends and have a night out or take a weekend trip. I can laugh and recharge my batteries (even vent about it)... Another thing is go for a walk, usually when we exercise we feel better and you will have some time for yourself. Also, look at yourself in the mirror and see the extraordinary woman you are and if needed it, do it several times a day. Sometimes is not depression but lack of self stem.. Remember that God loves us and you are a very special person.

Ellen - I haven't read any of the other answers, and my response is just a hunch based on your post. Please don't take it too seriously because I'm not a therapist or health care provider of any sort. This is just a guess based on some life experience.

Perhaps when you married your husband, you thought you did well because you did not marry a volatile or mean guy like your dad (and in a way you did move the ball forward). Unfortunately, though, you married someone that you totally dominate (whether you realize it or not), and for most of us women that situation doesn't typically work out very well. At some point we want a guy who can take the lead, at least sometimes. You did not marry that sort of guy. I'm sorry.

At this point it's my opinion that you should seek help to sort through and cope with these feelings, and to see how you can hang on if that's what's best for your children. Try to find someone who will take you on a sliding scale, or at a discount.

I understand what you're going through, and my heart goes out to you. Please try to keep your children and their best interests at the top of your mind and heart. They didn't choose this either, and they will miss their dad if he's a good dad (if you guys were to split up). I think people should be happy but I also think kids come first when they're minors. That's just my opinion and I respect that other people have different views on this.

Please, please, please get professional help, and soon. Your feelings are real and you need to talk with someone who can actually help you.

I am going to go out on a limb and assume you are a stay at home mom? This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but you have no idea. If you are a stay at home mom the things you listed are your responsibility. Now if he is making extra messes for you to clean then you have a reason to complain, he is an adult, he can put his plates in the dishwasher, he dirty clothes in the hamper and all that.

It is your job, just as he has his job. Now mind you, with any job you need time off. If you are not getting that you have a reason to complain.

I am sure the fault lies with both of you but a lot of your happiness is within your control. Are your kids in school, get a part time job or volunteer. At least with a part time job you could afford therapy which it sounds like you need.

I know how you feel, I was a stay at home mom for 18 years. I know when your husband is throwing his clothes around, making messes, basically making your job harder it feels like disrespect, most likely because it is disrespect. Your job is to keep the house, not be a servant or slave.

The part you don't understand is what it is like to work full time and come home. I work full time as does my husband. Neither of us want to clean or do anything when we get home. Since with both work one of us must do it so we split things up.

I don't know if I am being clear but what I am saying is a lot of this is on you. You sound depressed, you need therapy, it doesn't matter if he comes because if you get therapy you will be able to explain your needs, and only your needs, in a way he will understand. You will be emotionally able to deal with his answers. Right now you sound like you are drowning.

Okay take a deep breath. I understand.
How about if you go to counseling on your own?
Look for some in your area. Call around for their prices. We have one in our area that goes by your income....they adjust it.
Even if you went alone twice, that would probably help.
Being a SAHM is overwhelming to say the least.
You should talk to your friends or at least try. You might be suprised.
Can you make friends w/a neighbor that is a mom so you have something in common to talk about even if only for a few mins?
Most men are not good communicators.
You are not alone.
Can you do something nice for yourself once in awhile?
Some quiet time when hubby is home for the night?
Call old friends?
Rent a $1 movie from Redbox. Something cute & funny to lift your spirits and make you laugh?
If you're religious, can you go to church by yourself.
What about finding a mommy's group at a local park?
Take your kids to the local library for reading time? The quiet is so nice.
When they go to the bed for the night, can you take a 1/2 to yourself to unwind however you like to?
Call family just to hear their voice.
Take a walk to clear your head and get the blood pumping 3 times a week when hubby is home to watch the kids.
I understand never wanting to leave your kids (divorce). Sometimes that is the best but it is so hard to be w/o your kids. Instead do everything you can while in this marriage.
Most men do not like to talk (usually due to their hard wiring, how they were brought up and societal norms...society does not allow them to cry, express feelings etc)
When you talk to him, maybe don't expect much, think of all the good things he does do and what he represents (security, income etc) and tell him as few words as possible (like 3 word sentences...men can be difficult) and try to get your point across. "It would be great if you could help me with this."
Be sure to go back to paying the bills now. Get it done. No good can come from that. Sorry but it's true.
It sounds like you are overwhelmed & I understand that. Hang in there.
Talk to people, ask for help when you need it from him but be very clear and direct as to what you are asking for.
Don't say "I wish you would help me around here."
Rather say, "Can you please do the dinner dishes?"
"Can you please put the folded laundry away when you're done? That
helps me out so much. Thank you."
Hope that helps!!! :)

Sounds like ur in a rut. theres gotta be a place to join with others for free, for counseling usually at a church. find a job, part time, a hobby or be more involved in ur childrens school activities., volunteer. theres other people that need you, dont rely on your husband to take the lead. i have a husband like yours leaves everything up to me. thats my lot in life and i deal with it cause i am not leaving him.

I wish you well. chin up and get out of the rut.

Maybe your husband has undiagnosed Asberger's Syndrome. Does any of this description seem familiar to you:

Asperger's syndrome: Patient's with Asperger's syndrome have many of the same symptoms as autistic patients, in terms of problems with social interaction and communication. However, patients with Asperger's syndrome have normal intelligence and verbal skills. Although these patients typically have strong verbal and grammar skills, they usually have other language problems, such as being too literal and/or having difficulty understanding non-verbal communications, such as body language. Other symptoms may include motor skill problems (e.g. clumsy movements), obsessive or repetitive routines and schedules, and sensitivity to sensory information (e.g. sound, light, or taste).

Read more: http://www.righthealth.com/topic/Adult_Autism_Symptoms/ov...

Good luck.

First you and hubby need to learn to communicate. Read about the Five Love Languages and have both of you take a quiz to see what is your top love language. I, like you do not feel loved unless I have one on one undivided attention from my hubby, and its hard to get him to listen. He feels touching, hugging, tickling, even teasing "slaps" or knee pinches etc is the top way to show love. So we show it very differently and now that we've read about it we understand each other Much better ( after 15 yrs!) I'm not saying I got my hubby to read these books but he listened to a paragraph or two. Also reading Men are from Mars Women from Venus helped me to learn how to communicate with him and how to understand him better. AS to Helping around the house - VERY few and I mean almost NO husbands come home from work and say It looks like you need help with the ..... or why I dont I change the diaper while you cook? or shall I carry this laundry upstairs for you? They do not notice! and every time we ask for help (no matter how nicely we ask) they translate it into "You never do anything!" which of course they do something even if it's just go to work. So we're telling you your husband sounds typical. Try to sit him down when things are calm and tell him
a) making extra work for you (leaving shoes and clothes on floor) is disrespectful. It would be like you wasting the money he makes at work just expecting he'll work more hours so you can buy 400$ shoes and 2,000$ dresses.

Honey, you need therapy, seriously. If you have health insurance then they will cover at least a good portion of it. Call them up or go online if that's an option with your carrier. You're screaming for attention & when you don't get it, it's making you depressed. This is a viscious cycle & only you can break it.

You're depressed! You need to seek therapy for yourself and then tell him he is going to have to go. Quit asking. Let him know he can go to marriage counseling or get a divorce, but tend to yourself first!

How old are your kids? Do you work somewhere? It sounds like you could use some empowerment, and it may really help you to get your own job. Let yourhusband know that if he cares about you, he will want you to get help and eventually to help your marriage, but if he remains a dolt, then get prepared to divorce him! He can still be a good dad if you're divorced,but there's no reason you should have to put up with a crappy husband.