What to Do About Sis in Law That Brings Sick Kids Around.

I would just flat out ask her before going there if any of her kids are sick and if yes, with what. Ask her before they come to your house as well, and explain to her that since you work outside the home, when your child gets sick it really puts you and your husband in a bad situation due to missed work. I am not happy with people who spread their kids' sickness around without care!

About the behavior -there's not a lot you can say to her, BUT if she leaves all the care up to you when you're all around one another, discipline them as you see fit (I would stop short of popping or spanking if you do that). If there's a problem, tell her to please be more involved with them because they're doing______(insert whatever).

I will say one thing in her defense. Cancer, chemo, radiation and major surgery wear people out like nothing else -including pregnancy, childbirth and the little sleep one gets with a newborn. Everyone I've ever known who went through or is going through chemo or radiation has said they've never known such a bone-tired feeling in their lives (and many of them have lots of kids they've raised). It's evidently the kind of tired where not only do you want to lie down in the floor and sleep anywhere, but you will do it! She shouldn't ignore her kids' behavior or drag them around sick, but she probably is EXTREMELY exhausted all of the time and she does not feel well.

I understand how you feel and I am the biggest germaphobe there is and it didn't come about until my twins were born. Is it inconsiderate of her to bring her kids around when they are sick? Yes. Is it inconsiderate for her not to inform you when one of her children are sick when you come to vist? yup.
However, you cannot place your children in a bubble either-believe me if you could I would have done it a long long time ago-lol! Maybe in a kind manner just simply ask her before heading out IF her kids are sick or better yet ask How is everybody feeling in the house? That way it includes her as well-maybe with all her health ailments people tend to "forget" and ask HER how she is feeling today-maybe because they are too afraid to ask or maybe it's because they get the same response each and everytime. Even though the answer might be the same at least she would know that you cared enough to ask each and every time when everyone else has "stopped" doing so. I can't imagine going through cancer on top of raising my children-I'm already exhausted as it is. Maybe she doesn't volunteer that information to ya'll because she truly looks forward to that "small" little break no matter how small it maybe. You didn't mention a husband and I just wonder who is there for her to "help" out and give breaks to her and she most likely needs more of them than your average mommy.
As far as the dicipline matter with the children I don't think there is much you can do about that unfortunately. I agree with another poster here that what you may consider to be behavioral issues may seem harmless to a mother dealing with all that she has to deal with on her plate-she most likely picks and chooses her battles with her children and just remember you parent a certain way but just because you parent that way doesn't mean that everyone else has to agree and practice the same way you do. No one person is wrong or right and it is very nerve wrecking when you have children around you and your own children that don't know how to behave but I tell you this-I bet her children know what they can and can't get away with you. If she gets offended in any shape or form then she needs to speak up and at that point you need to let her know that if she doesn't like it then she needs to be the one to step in with her children from now on-not you. Also you got have compassion for those poor kids and what they have witnessed their mommy go through and I am sure their responsability has been brought up a notch too because of their mommies sickness and the fear that they could possibly lose their mommy-they have had no choice but to learn how to survive on their own most likely because mommy just couldn't do it. Pick your battles my dear-I certainly understand your points but life is too short to get caught up in - show love and compassion and you will get more back from that than anything else. You might be the only person in her life that she can depend upon and considers to be a true friend in her life and she needs all the support she can get. Good luck and I hope I didn't say anything that offended you-it's just MY opinion.

Sometimes the exhaustion that accompanies illness can be so overwhelming a person becomes discouraged. Just getting through each day becomes an uphill battle. It is easy for healthy people to mistake exhaustion for laziness. We tend to judge others by our own situation. No matter how understanding I think I am I never really know how bad an illness feels until it's my turn to succumb to whatever is going around. I can only imagine the physical and emotional toll the struggle with breast cancer takes on the sufferer. I imagine a mother would have to pick her battles, doing only what absolutely has to be done and then only when it becomes urgent. I imagine criticism from the healthy people in her life feels like salt in her wounds. I'm guessing helping her sister-in-law preserve her perfect life while she is drowning in her children's colds, flu, strep, MRSA or impetigo at a time when her own health situation is sapping all her little store of energy, is not at the top of her list.

I know that your daughter's health is your number one concern and you naturally want to do anything you can to protect her. Teaching her to feel superior to "small-town southern in-laws" who are going through a rough patch is certainly not what you have in mind. Don't just take control, show compassion, ask what you can do to help, listen without condemning--be grateful that your family has been so fortunate. Do your best to understand. I have found to my chagrin that whenever I declare that I "will never understand"why someone makes the choices he/she does, life sees to it that I find out the hard way. And then I do understand.

Like I said, I understand. Be brave.

C.

Well no matter where we go we are many times around someone that is already sick, hours before a person shows signs the are contagious. Be it an adult or a child. I understand being upset but given what you have shared it sounds like you are over whelmed possible cut back on visits during the winter season and keep the kids home.
As far as paying attention to her kids and them being discipline problems maybe it would be nice for you to share your kind advise to the kids when the act up. Sometimes when we step back and offer a kind caring hand to others it makes a difference in their lives. Maybe you are here for that reason. Possible sharing kind words in a room full of people not getting along can make a difference, maybe you should touch their lives rather then looking for a way to approach telling them what you think or how you feel even if it is difficult.. consider the time of year it is right now and what your sister in law has been through...who has and has not been supportive, could others of helped in a batter manner? Maybe at this time you should let it go, let some times pass. Sometimes all of us get caught up in our own emotions, feelings on a situation and later we look back and feel different about how we handled it.

Consider asking her are the kids sick? are people at your house needing rest so maybe we should pass on a visit?? Maybe she should volunteer the information but sometimes we should just plain ask. If this all is a pattern with her right now in her life you have a child ask questions. i do before I visit nearby friends, people forget, don't think are over whelmed with daily life at times.
Best wishes to you..

In that case since she's always been this way from life experience I can say you may not be able to change her or her family. I'd just either slow down my helping, personal opinion since it sounds like others have always done for her. In air to us you are feed up with her behavior find an outlet to give out your frustration but by telling her or her family even in a kind manner you are upset over the sick kids thing and all will be like talking to a wall and you'll probably be the bad guy at the end.
Still again best wishes to you....

I have a 5 month old, and I've become a bit of a germaphobe since the day she was born. My aunt always brings her kids around, and they are ALWAYS sick! I'm not the type of person who will be blunt, and just say "KEEP YOUR KIDS AWAY FROM MY BABY!" so I throw her little hints whenever they are around. I constantly walk around the house holding my Sol-U-Guard disinfectant spray (it's the ONLY thing that protects against the swine flu), I spray it whenever her kids sneeze, and I gently ask them not to play with the baby. You should just throw your SIL little hints every now and then about the things she needs to work on. However, if this has been going on before her illness, then she needs more than a few hints. Maybe you and your husband should sit her down and have a nice talk.

I'd just buy a big thing of hand sanitizer if you can't get her to stop bringing sick kids and then insist everyone uses it. Plus if you end up doing the kid wrangling during large family gatherings speak up and say you'd like to set up a schedule for everyone to pitch in.

Hi L.,

I know how you feel. It's more a matter of common courtesy than illness and obviously she wasn't taught this. Does your husband agree with you? If he does, it really should be his role as her brother. "L. has a real problem with you bringing the kids around sick and I think it would be the beginning of a really good relationship if you would show her that courtesy..." or something to that effect. If he doesn't agree you have to take matters in your own hands.

I personally would write her a letter because you can say everything you want to say without interruption and you can also make sure that it is EXACTLY what you want to say. Begin with how much you care for her and her kids and end with how much you care for her and her kids. It obviously can't make matters worse. I had to do this with friends recently that brought their 6 kids to a church conference with chicken pox....they not only spread it around, but spread it around to all four corners of the US and into Canada and Europe! I received an apology AND an email apology went out to every family that had been in attendance. They actually appreciated my honesty!

You've got a long relationship ahead with this woman and you need to make sure it is based in honesty. You're only responsible for your actions. If she doesn't respond appropriately it really is her loss.

God bless,

M.

Let your husband confront her... That is his sister... and you still remain the " good guy".. sounds like her kids need you right now... so you want to remain the positive one... She'll forgive her brother...

Hi Lydsi,
I definately think a few things:
1) Roles in families tend to enable each other and it is your husbands job to step in and you may need to encourage him to be healthy in that role - even getting help from a counselor if needed. Rather than letting it go on, just address 1 situation at a time and evaluate whether you can love those kids (who obviously need it) without putting you at too great of risks.
2) Be gentle and kind, all the while remembering to thank God for your health and your childrens health. Get on the same page with your husband without creating a conflict situation he would buck at. You guys may need to get a third party to help work through why the family is enabling her, otherwise, you will become the target and hubby will try to let you take the fall - because that is how men handle family conflicts typically.
Best of luck, love her kids, certainly sounds like they need it. J