What to Do About My Boyfriends Son?

Hi J.,

That child has asthma and seems to be suffering. It's a textbook case. Please talk his dad or mom into getting him help.

Try hard to be the stable influence this child needs in his life. It does sound like he may have asthma, which is common if he is exposed to second hand smoke. Maybe having your boyfriend talk to his son about getting him some medical care will help. As for the eating, try not to pass judgement. I used to say the same things as you until I was blessed with a challenging eater. Her diet is very similar to what you have describe, just substitue cheezits for the cereal. I have to listen to others say, "if you would just put your foot down, she will eat" so many times. I have tried everything under the sun and my daughter will either refuse to try new things or gag herself. We have sought help and her doctor said that this is most likely personality driven, that she is also a very anxious child, and that some children have more taste buds and just cannot handle new tastes or textures the same as others, the tastes and textures are magnified 100% for these children. The process for overcoming this is very frustrating and time consuming but it can be done. My 2 yo eats fine, so I don't think it has anything to do with our parenting. Many 3 year olds also go on food jags, where they restrict their diets to a few foods at a time and eventually grow out of it, so it can be considered normal child hood behaviour also. Just try to keep getting him to try new foods and don't make a big deal out of it.

I'm not sure what the answer is to this problem but I can tell you what will happen if it is not resolved. Your boyfriends son sounds just like my cousin. He is now 12 and only eats cheese pizza and fried potatoes. He is obese, has asthma, and had his tonsils and adnoids taken out several years ago to hopefully help his breathing. This did not work, the problem is his weight and diet. It is the parents fault that this even started. They did not want to hear him whine and cry so they just give him whatever he wants to eat and of course all a kid wants to eat is junk food! You have to step up now and bring it to his father's attention. If not, this poor child will end up only eating what he eats now and have all the health problems that go with it. I should also mention that my cousin has had his heart looked at as well. You will have to put up with some crying and whining and maybe even going to bed without dinner but it will be worth it in the long run to save this childs life. Good Luck!

When I first got married to my DH and took on two full-time step kids, they were both spoiled by my mother-in-law...I told them in our house we had different rules and that from now on they would eat what we ate and sit around the table as a family for dinner. I also bought them a little book on nutrition and explained why they needed to be healthy - knowledge is very helpful and kids do know what's going on. I had tantrums and crying every night and it was very stressful, but did not back down - they had to eat most of their food so they would not be hungry or malnourished, but they could not have any dessert unless they ate everything on their plate. They would cry and cry and I would tell them 5 more bites or sit at the table till you are finished..and sometimes they would be sitting at the table crying for an hour (and this is at 8 years old!!) - but eventually they realized who was boss and that they were not going to get away with it - it was very very hard, for everyone, but after a couple months of that, they conceded and started trying new foods with a more open mind and actually started liking some vegetables, etc....I also continued their health education, and I let them help me plan the menu every week - I would ask them what they wanted one night so they felt like that had choices too - and then I would make a healthy version....so instead of chicken strips, maybe grilled chicken with some healthier form of bread crumbs and not deep fried, but use evoo or canola....and egg And then instead of regular pizza, get the veggie pizza with fat free cheese and veggies - and have them help you make it - my kids love making pizza...you can also try some casseroles that have hidden veggies so they can start eating healthy without the fits. I know it's tricky since he is your boyfriend and you don't want to step on toes, and there's nothing you can do about the bio-mom...but you can control what happens at meal time in your house, so I would hold my ground because it's for their own good.

At the end of your post, you said you don't know how to address these things without stepping on any toes. I don't think you can. You're not the child's parent, and I really think they'd both be at least a little offended. That being said, I think these are big issues. If you haven't discussed this exactly how you have it stated here with your boyfriend, I think you need to. He has to decide what he wants for his son in his home-a variety of healthy foods, or junk food all day. There are lots of places to find info about asthma and childhood obesity: maybe you could get some of that info and show it to your boyfriend sometime when the two of you are alone. Maybe he's just uneducated about it all, and showing him the reasons for your concern may help the situation (if you haven't tried that yet). My son also tried the getting sick on himself routine with foods I knew he liked, and we starting using the "thank you bite" attitude that someone mentioned to me. We made him eat 3 thank you bites of whatever I made, and that was all he HAD to eat (when he was 3, now he's 4, and has to eat 4 thank you bites. we'll stop at 10 bites). Then, if he wanted dessert or junk food later, he had to eat all of his helping (it was small, of course-child-sized). It made a world of difference, and now my son will eat a larger variety of food without complaining. Good luck!

Welcome to one of the frustrations of stepparenting. If your boyfriend won't take action for his son's health, then your hands are tied, unless you want to call CPS. I would try presenting your boyfriend with information on asthma and see where that goes. Perhaps get the info from your own pediatrician. It sounds like the diet is part of the problem but not the most important healt concern. It sounds like your boyfriend is a "Disney" parent - lets the kid do what he wants with minimal parenting. It is hard to be the partner to such a parent, especially when you feel strongly otherwise. I would be doing a lot of thinking, not just about this child, but about your relationship and what his parenting (or lackthereof) says about him and if you want to raise your kids with him/his child.

I understand your concerns about this boy but have you discussed the issues with your boyfriend? It seems to me that his breathing would be a major issue that your boyfriend would also be concerned with. If this man is not interested in his son (or grandson, I was a bit confused on that) is this the person you want to be around your kids? Follow your instincts on this. If you are concerned about the boy's health and think his doctor is a quack call your pediatrician and ask for guidance. Sounds like you will feel better if you could take some sort of action on behalf of this child. His breathing issues cold be related to food allergies as well. As far the food...lots of kids are picky eaters. Talk to the Doc about this too!

E. Moss, Childcare Problem Solver
Cultural Care Au Pair, Baltimore
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As a Baltimore native and local childcare coordinator for Cultural Care Au Pair, E. Moss knows how to find the best childcare for you. She has a degree in Sociology and Anthropology with a concentration in Cultural Anthropology. She loves to travel, meet new people and looks to the future by “digging” in the past at archaeological sites in Maryland. Find out more about her at http://emoss.aupairnews.com or contact her at ____@____.com or ###-###-####.

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I don't know how to read other people's responses before typing my own, so excuse me if I repeat a familiar tune. You are the boss of your home and Kitchen. You share some authority on how to live if your boyfriend lives with you and you want the equal type of relationship responsibility stuff... And he is the parent to his son... That said, you can set the ground rules for dinner and be sure the consequences support the children getting fed. "The Dance of Anger" & "The Dance of Intimacy" books by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D are wonderful to address the questions you asked. Finally, ask what the parents will allow you to do to investigate ONE health issue of the boy. And follow through, and continue with the next issue. If you address one tiny aspect at a time, the child's quality of life should improve, the parents should notice what little had to be done and hopefully follow through on a daily basis, and begin to take over the "little" tasks that make up parenting for a child's health and well-being. If it doesn't work out that way, call a social worker and ask their advice.

if you are dating a man who is not raising his child in a manner that you can respect, and is not open to examining the way he is raising his child, you should leave him. the future will be very unhappy if you marry him and need to rely on him to raise your children in a way you can respect.

I'm sorry to say this so plainly, but your children and you will be much better without your boyfriend. Not a good situation and simply will get worse as years go by. Please, do the right thing and focus on you and your own kids and not a man.

All you can do is offer your observations and opinions AS observations and opinions and then do what steptogether.org calls "disengaging". He's not your child and you're only going to create ill will by sticking your nose in.

It's tough to do, believe me, I know. My 7yo step-son spends 10-12 hours per day playing video games and his mother doesn't see anything wrong with this. My husband does, but doesn't want him to hate coming to our house so he won't do anything about it. It's a really tough situation because I can't allow my two boys to do that (I also have a 7yo and then my husband's and my common child, our 21mo) but if I let my step-son get away with it, I look like a hypocrite in front of my own kids which undermines my authority and makes my kids think I'm mean. I would prefer they were never exposed to this kind of behavior as they have been very happy so far being only allowed video games every once in a great while like on a really crappy weather day or something. It was always just a special treat, but through my step-son's behavior I'm afraid my oldest son will begin to see it as a right and I can't have that. I've tried to bring this up and tried to bring a little order back to my home during my step-son's infrequent visits, but all it does it create a fight between my husband and I and causes my step-son to "tattle" on me to his mother about how mean I am. The only thing I can do now is to make sure that my kids know that THEY at least will abide by my decisions. I am their mother and I make the rules. I try to help my oldest son understand that every mom is different and some care more about certain things than other do. I tell him that if his step-brother wants to waste his whole summer/christmas break sitting in front of the TV or computer, then that's up to him but WE are going to go outside and play and we're going to do fun projects and we're going to read good books and we're going to draw with sidewalk chalk and eat popsicles or make snow angels and drink hot cocoa. When I put it this way, my son can't fathom why my step-son would want to stay shut up in the house all day. (Since we homeschool I've been pretty successful at limiting this influence, however my ex-husband doesn't help either since he allows my son to play video games all of the time at his house in Oregon during his visits.)

Maybe you could try something similar. Praise your children for how healthy they eat and spin tales for them of all of the wonderful things they can do now and will be able to do in the future because of how healthy and strong their bodies are thanks to good food, good sleep and good exercise. Truly, it's only your own children that you have any basic authority over, so concentrate on helping them see why they can't get away with what your bf's son does.

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BTW, I do agree with the other moms that said this isn't the right guy for you and you should leave, I just didn't think you'd probably want to hear that so I tried to offer the best other solution I could. Just wanted you to know that the consensus is that you should leave this guy, I also feel you shouldn't be cohabitating with small children thrown into the mix, but those are my morals, not yours.

Hi

Am I reading this correctly...your boyfriend has a son who has a son of his own?

Could you not talk to your boyfriend about your concerns , the smoking around him and his shortness of breath are a concern , but don't be too quick to blame them for what he eats , it's not always the parents fault , I too have a son who will not eat any of the foods you mentioned and it's not through lack of trying on my part.

If you have no luck talking to your boyfriend i.e he shrugs it off aswell and you are really that concerned with his welfare then you will have no choice but to take it further.

Good Luck

I would suggest the weekends that the 3 year old is at your house try having fun at the table. make it a themed dinner where all the kids can be involved. make something simple and have him put in some ingrediants, and explain what kind of food it is and where the ingredients come from. Or if he is still too picky try some kids cuisine microwavable meals, they aren't as healthy but they have lots of options and let the kids eat somewhere new with the food like on the floor. Try to have some fun with it and get the picky one to be involved it might help. Good luck!

This sounds very sad and frightening for the little boy. It is slightly insensitive to say, but if your boyfriend has so little (seemingly no) regard for his own son, I suspect he has little more regard or desire to be involved with your children as an engaged and caring parent. Being a single mother, you need to choose wisely who will be around your children. This man does not seem like a terrific choice from what you have described, and may only be using you as a comfortable weekend location to watch his son. This may be overly harsh and he may be very good to YOU, but because you have two children, that is not enough.
If you care deeply for the welfare of his son and suspect a severe problem that he will not handle, you can always tell him that social services would not be pleased if they made a home visit....perhaps parenting classes would help...just a few sessions on the top 10 points at a community college or hospital. A medical practitioner should likely assess the other problems you mention; the vomiting reflex (if not wholly psychological) when eating something with a large volume in the throat, could also indicate huge/infected tonsils are impeding his airway. This, plus problems with enlarged adenoids, may be at the root of his breathing, gasping and possible sleep apnea and should be handled ASAP before there are more ear and heart problems. You are in a difficult position; good luck.

Children are most definitely a product of their environment and it always takes two to tango....Sounds like the mother's not doing "the best" but the dad's just as much to blame and doesn't really sound like he's interested in being the dad he needs to be.....He'll NEVER be your son and with the limited time he'll be spending with you, things may never change. So either get used to it or find a new boyfriend....I know it sounds harsh but it's what I've experienced with respect to step kids....

I certainly can see you are frustrated in this situation. I hate to say it though, but usually the apple does not fall far from the tree. Though we can grow up to be quite different from our parents, when it comes to parenting, they usually provide the role model. Whether it be by us seeing things they do and telling ourselves we will never do those things or knowing how well something worked that our parents did when we were kids and following that model. So I have to ask myself, what is your boyfriend like when it comes to parenting? Does he smoke, or did he at one time? Is he an involved parent or grandparent? When it comes down to it, he should be the one to step in if anyone. I have a sort of similar situation with my husband's mother who takes care of his sister's child(our niece) all the time. She has come to stay with us before and brought our niece with her. The child can not leave her grandmother's side for a second without freaking out. They have her drinking goats milk and she is 15mos. old but the size of a 2year old. The last time they came to stay with us I was coming home after a long day at work to a very messy house and though I understand it is harder to watch a 15 month old and my son, who is almost 3, I was still in shock at how the house would look, not to mention my mom in law did not shower the first 3 days she was there! My husband did step in and say something and it got a little better but I was glad when she left. She had her first child at a young age and I think it was mainly raised by her parents and now she is sort of doing the same thing for her own daughter's child, even though her daughter is old enough to handle it. Sorry to rant, I'm just trying to say all of this behavior starts somewhere. We were made to try at least one bite of everything on our plate as little children which is what I do with my son now. As we got older, that one bite became one teaspoon or tablespoon. You have to lay down your own rules, but you need your boyfriend to be on the same page as you. As hard as it may be to hear, if he isn't trying to support your feelings, I would start worrying less about his grandchild and more about the future of your relationship.

The best advice I can give you is to ask yourself why you are with someone who is irresponsible and doesn't know how to parent; think you will find somewhere that "feels like home" if you unload this guy, focus on your own children and your own issues, and don't worry at this point about having a boyfriend!
Sincerely,
A grandma who has seen it all!