Picky Eater Not the Problem-husband Is! Maybe?

At first I thought this was about your husband eating less variety than your child--which is SO MUCH the case in our house. Our son eats everything, husband--not so much. :)

Anyway, I was "that" kid once. Sitting and sitting. The main sticking points for me were brussels sprouts, lima beans, liver, peppers and onions.

Guess what? I'm 47 and STILL hate all of those things! My husband had similar experience with the "sit there til you eat it" approach.

So it's not really an issue for us. If my son hates something (a rare occurrence) he can just NOT eat that part of the meal.

He's 8 now, and truthfully, I can only name about two foods he DOESN'T eat. He was eating steamed mussels at the beach last year!

I think this is largely due to the fact that we've never made an issue out of eating, never 'made' him eat anything, always encouraged trying new stuff, etc.

Maybe it IS your husband's way of "peeing around his fatherly territory" since he's gone so much.

Maybe ask him: "Is this how you want your son to remember dinners with you, considering they are so rare?"

Would he agree to a "try O. decent bite and if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it" philosophy?

I am almost 37. To this day, I can remember arguments with my mother at meal time. The crying, begging, pleading, gagging. It was awful. I am still a little picky, but it took a long, long time for me to be less picky. A long time... while dating my husband, his mother really thought I only liked cheese nachos. My mother says that meal time was her one huge parenting mistake and she wished she had done things differently

That being said, he's obviously not listening. He fells strongly about this. I imagine he thinks it will "fix" your son. Is it possible to compromise on the rule? In our house we watch Bizzarre Foods with the kids. The host always says you need to try something three times to see if you like it. We use that and simply ask our kids to eat three bites of something before they decide they don't like it. If they eat the three bites (and let's face it, sometimes those "bites" are more like nibbles, but we don't care) and decide they don't like it, they don't have to eat all of it. I think this is part of the reason our kids aren't terribly picky eaters.

If the repeated discussions and explanations don't work and he won't compromise, I would probably go a more drastic route. I'd make everything my hubby hates for dinner. In our house it would be hard, my husband eats and likes just about everything. Maybe make some beef stew and switch out his pieces of beef for liver? Let him understand that everyone has their own likes and dislikes and that at three, their palette is just not as advanced.

Is there a food your hubby doesnt like? If so, Id make that the next few times you cook for him and tell him he cant get up unless he eats it all!

I am all for getting kids to try new things, and to eat things that are healthy ect., but sometimes we just dont like certain things for certain reasons, why make mealtime so miserable?

This would bother me too, if my husband tried to force our child to eat things she doesn't like. I have very bad memories of this from when I was a kid. I would just not buy peas anymore, since that's the example you gave. :)
If you can't rearrange your schedule to prevent this, maybe buy a bunch of those easy microwave frozen veggie packs, all in types your son likes.

The 10 Commandments of Healthy Eating for Parents http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/nutrition_articles.as... is what's taped to my fridge and what I TRY to live up too!

You are allowing your son to be a picky eater because it is easier for you. If I let my sons eat only the things they want then they would starve to death. I will say that it's hard to be the bad guy and say, "sit there and eat your food", but if you don't you are facing a long hard road as you child grows. At 3 your son has been eating solid food for a while, but I am sure you are trying new things with him still. My husband and I have been pretty united on the front to parent the children with a firm hand when it comes to food. If it was up to them they would eat McDonald's every night. It's unrealistic. Your kitchen should be a comfortable safe place for enjoyable family meals and even though the drama disrupts this support your husband and hold that ground even when he is not at home.
I really think these are two very different issues at hand here. Obviously you need to work on communication with your spouse because his failure to listen or respect your requests is not ok. All husbands tune their wives out at some point, but he should at least be trying to meet you in the middle especially if he is gone a lot.
You need to buckle down with your son and stop placating to his wants all the time. You are going to end up with a malnourished spoiled child.

My husband tends to nag our 9-year-old son to eat more than I do. It's annoying, but I know that he just wants to make sure our son gets enough calories. I usually look at the overall balance of food for the day and know that my son will not starve. My husband has just recently started the whole "we're not leaving the restaurant until you eat your food" drama. I try not to get in the middle even if the battle is embarrassing me. Sometimes it's ridiculous- spending an hour forcing him to eat 4 fast food chicken nuggets(he already ate french fries dipped in butter and a milkshake and some salad). I'll tell my son a number of bites to try, and then my husband will increase the number of bites required and keep offering the food after that .
Dinner last night- frozen fish, peas, rice, chips and mango salsa, whole wheat bread, salad with black olives and feta cheese with milk to drink. My son was eating great. He drank a big glass of milk, ate the olives and cheese, corn chips, and bread and butter. He tasted a few bites of everything else. But I told him it didn't matter how well or how much he was eating everything else because his dad was going to start nagging about 1 thing- the fish. Drama averted this time- my husband saw him trying a few bites, then got tired of sitting at the table so long. After he left the table, I told my son how many more bites of peas and fish he had to eat, which he did with only a little complaining. Later he had yogurt as a bedtime snack.

Do you think if you get to a compromise like others suggested with a limit on the time or number of bites, and then put the instructions *in writing* that your husband would be more likely to follow through? Or if that doesn't work, check what your pediatrician says about it.

My husband travels a ton too, so my opinion prevails on the child rearing. Of course I take his opinion into consideration, but if it is a policy issue we discuss it and come to a decision on it. Of course we parent differently but this sounds like a bigger thing.

I personally don't think it's cool to force a kid to eat something they don't want to. I don't make my husband eat squash (if I make it I also make something he likes) so why would he make our child eat something he knows she doesn't like. Of course if your kid only wants McNuggets every day or something, that is a problem. But offering a veg he likes rather than making one you know he doesn't, just seems like parental bullying. Your plan of this is dinner if you don't like it, don't eat seems to work fine, it's not as if your kid is having a tantrum until another meal is made for him.

I think you have a bigger issue there though since he seems to ignore many things you tell him. My DH has one thing he continually forgets to do that drives me mad, but if it were so many things, I'd want to get to the bottom of why he couldn't make an effort to take my needs and desires into consideration. The Brita thing sounds like typical husband, but is he going out of his way to reorganize the cupboards or is he oblivious to the existing organization and putting away groceries? If it's the latter, I'd tell him to leave the groceries if he can't do it the right way. If it's the former, I guess I'd try to figure out if he thinks his way is better and if you two can come to a compromise. If there are too many of those things, it can really make you feel like he doesn't care and that doesn't work.

I would tell my husband "how do you think I feel when I ask you to do things and you don't do them, over and over and over?"

I would also ask "Is this your way of feeling involved with your son? Can you
just listen and find less confrontational ways to interact with your child?" Maybe put an overall time limit on dinner. If in 30 minutes your son is not done, then he just doesn't get dessert but the standoff ends.

I would try to meet in the middle. If we serve something that DD is unlikely to eat, we have her try them anyway. But if she doesn't like them, she can say, "no thank you" and set it aside. We also do the swap because certain foods trigger my stepson's gag reflex (it's a texture thing). Forcing it when he was a child was NOT WORTH IT.

DD still has to eat other stuff but if she won't eat asparagus then that's OK. Now that DD is 3, we may make her eat all of some small portion of something, but if she's really done, she's done and can be excused. We try to walk the line between eating what's served, and eating the right amount (not too much or too little).

Does your husband have a soft spot for his DD and want his son to "man up" about things?

After a meal out or any meal that isn't so fraught with struggles, have you pointed out to your DH how NICE it was?

Oh this sounds like a tough situation!!

I've read all the posts before me and I agree with several of the points/suggestions and disagree with others. I am sure there will be more before I finish composing - I am not known for brevity.

First, I think that it doesn't seem to be much use in trying to change your husband as he's either tuned you out or willfully taking an approach he knows you don't like. I do like the suggestion that you call his attention to pleasant dinners and how you all feel versus the dinners where he does this. I also love the idea of making things your husband doesn't like so he can get a "taste of his own medicine". Although that could backfire as then he might just be mad at you if he isn't capable of seeing the analogy to his own behavior with your son (mind you I'm not calling him a dimwit, just saying that many people can't make connections to their own behaviors).

I LOVE the idea that you stop buying some of the most offensive foods. No more peas in the house, therefore he can't make peas! If you are in charge of the grocery shopping (which is likely) I think this is an excellent, if somewhat passive aggressive, solution!

Last, I do agree it's important to make sure kids are offered the chance to try new foods and eat a variety etc. I think some of the posts have taken your question to mean you don't do this but it sounds like you do and your son is a good eater with a few foods he doesn't eat. I'd say it's reasonable to offer those foods sometimes because he may one day try and like it. But if he won't try it make no big deal about it.Many responders here described how they STILL hate the foods they hated so much as a child - everyone doesn't like everything and it's reasonable for him to have some dislikes. I also don't like peas, unless they are fresh from the garden and un-cooked.

Good luck with your husband!

Well....you say that your husband travels 8 + months out of the year, so I am assuming that the lion's share of the daily childcare responsibilities fall to you. You have to have your own system...if what you are doing works for you, then so be it. Your DH has to understand that you have to handle these things in his absence and you have to be consistent whether he is home or not. I would at least make my son try a bite of something. If he doesn't like it...then fine...try again next time. I can remember being forced to eat things as a child...squash for one. My family had a garden and nothing seemed to grow so well as squash :) I was forced to choke the vile stuff down even though I HATED it. To this day, I will still not eat squash.

I'm with your husband on this one... sort of. We do have a "you must try it" rule in our house and it goes for everyone! I cook one meal and we all eat it. If you don't like one item, you must try it. That's not negotiable. You don't have to like it and you don't have to eat a pile of it, but you must taste it.

I don't see this as a control issue for your husband, but it is definitely one for your son. I don't think it's right to force your child to sit there until his plate is clean, but there's nothing wrong with saying that he must eat one bite. My husband I are on the same page about this one and my son (also 3) doesn't give us a hard time anymore at the table and will eat pretty much anything you put in front of him.

There was a 2 month period of time though.... Oh My... we fought with him EVERY night about his dinner. Several nights it ended in a time out and no dinner. We are both really big on table manners and this was one battle we both chose to fight.

Just a thought... unless your husband is the one grocery shopping, stop buying peas!

Sounds like he will just do what he wants. He agrees with you and then ignores your feelings. I think he is insecure and does not know your children as well as you do because he is gone so much, but wants to be in control when he is home.

This is a hard one to deal with because I firmly believe that forcing eating only creates problems, but I'm not sure how to get him to be responsive.

Try talking to him about the general issue and see if you can come to a resolution, if not maybe a counselor could help resolve his power issues.