J.,
This is one of the most frustrating things a person can deal with! Especially if you need the money. I have been there, my kids are all grown now, but my ex-husband was ordered to pay child support and didn't, he lived out of state and I had his place of employment, social security number everything Kansas needed, but they couldn't collect it because he lived in Illinois which does not cooperate is what they told me! Well, needless to say at the time I needed the money and the state didn't want to help. By the time he moved back to Kansas he was in debt approximately 30,000 and Kansas then wanted to take 55% of his income to pay his child support, which meant he would not have been able to afford a cheap apartment! I talked with my husband and I erased ALL of his child support, he had enough issues to deal with in regards to his kids without having to worry about not having a place to live where they could come and see him. Yeah I know many thought I was nuts, but he is their father and although he owed them the responsibility of helping support them, he also needed to be a dad to them. I didn't need the money at that point and was able to say forget it. He did help out when he could and as he got on his feet again here he would take the kids shopping for school clothes and help buy them things all the time.
Many think that child support/visitation should relate, but they don't. I don't know what kind of person your ex is but you cared enough about him to have a child together, now you have to find a way to deal with him helping you support her. If the money comes from his parents who cares! And being friends with the grandparents is a win-win as they get to see their grandchild and your daughter gets to know them. I never once kept my kids from their grandparents, even though my ex didn't pay his child support and it was a good relationship for everyone. If I needed something for the kids, they were willing to help out whether it was a babysitter for the night or helping in other ways. So make that friendship and you will find help in many ways.
Mainly for your own sanity - just accept that at this point he is not going to help you and try to make the best of it. I know that is hard to do! If you need to talk or just vent you can email me! ____@____.com
Hang in there:)
L.