What to Do About Dad

I am really sorry to hear that he doesnt want anything to do with his children. have you tried having them write letters and sending them to him and see what happens that way. if he doesnt respond then its time to tell them the truth that he doesnt want anything to do with the family anymore. i know it sounds bad but if she wants to see him and he doesnt respond to the letters then its time sorry. i feel bad for the children they don't understand when a parent doesnt want anything to do with them. he needs to wake up. good luck

I feel your daughters’ pain as my parents divorced when I was young. Mine was a little opposite, as my Dad had custody of me and my "egg-donor" disappeared when I was an infant and I requested to “get to know her” at age 9 (after my fathers 2nd divorce), my Dad looked her up. She picked me up for 3-4 weekends and then *poof* disappeared again. No calls, no letters. He never bad mouthed her, and when I would ask “why did she leave me” or “doesn’t she love me” he would ask me “why do you think she isn’t coming to visit you? Or “ I cannot imagine what could be keeping her away from such a beautiful and smart daughter” He didn’t know either and just let me try to come to my own conclusions and support me through my feelings of abandonment. We sought therapy and I went to a horse camp to work through my emotions.

My advise would be to always offer to support her (and your other kids) in contacting him and his family, but don’t do the contacting yourself. Let this be between your Ex and his kids as your relationship with him is dissolved. Yes, drive them to his house (stay in the car) and let him tell them his reasons for not wanting to be part of their lives. And be there to help them through their disappointment. This way you never end up looking like the bad guy (and kids will ALWAYS remember things like this – believe me). Your kids are old enough to see him for what he is.

Hang in there. This will be a tough time for your kids. I can remember the hurt and rage like it was yesterday. Here are some ideas to help your kids: (1) Take them shopping for some stationary and journals for each of them. (2) Schedule a time each week for letter writing (artwork for your 6yr old)to their father so they can keep him up to date on what’s going on with them (sports, school, their feelings, whatever they want). This way he will have tangible items that he can go back and reflect on as often as he wants (phone calls are nice, but often not remembered as well). And the kids get the benefit of exercising penmanship. Don’t offer to proofread them, just give them a stamp and his mailing address and let them seal the envelope and send it off. This will help empower them. (3) When they feel sad/angry/abandoned ask them to document in their journal. They can keep this journal completely private if they want, or they can share it with you privately before bedtime if they really want to.

Best wishes.

J.,
First let me say how truly sorry I am that you're going through this. There is only one thing you really need to decide... how much is this going to hurt your kids, whether they see him and it breaks their hearts b/c he rejects them to their faces or b/c he won't see them and they don't understand? There is no one else that matters right now, not you or him, b/c you both are old enough to handle your feelings, no matter how hard. If it were me, I'd seek counseling first for myself and advice about what to do from a professional who specializes in kid therapy. Then, I would probably get my kids into counseling, based on what the doc says. Then, I would make the decision about whether to take them or not.

You are doing the right thing by not bashing their Dad to them and by telling them that their Dad is making bad choices right now. That's the truth, but in a way that's kind and they can handle. Kids of this age are not emotionally equipped to handle the stuff that's gone between two adults, so that's why I truly recommend counseling and some advice for YOU first. Plus, it will no doubt help you deal with your anger and pain too!

Good luck, please let us know what happens! My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.

K.

Hello J., sorry to hear about such a stressful situation, (as if you need anymore stress). I am sure that it is hard raising your children esp. since they are at the age where they see everything and need an explanation that makes sense to them. I think that is the problem, your explanation of the situation does not make any sense to your daughter. I think you should take your daughter to see her father and let it all come from him. Believe it or not his response to her may not make much sense either because a child can not really understand especially at such a young and vulnerable age that her daddy who has always been there for her all of a sudden wants nothing to do with her. regardless of the outcome, your job is to be as supportive as possible without breaking down yourself during this transition. You need to be strong for the children. On the other hand this man is a fool and I don't think that any man who has ever truly loved and cared for his children regardless of how long he has been around them would NEVER abandon them like this especially at such a sensitive time in their lives. If it's not an ok thing for mom to do to the children than it is definitely not ok for dad to do, no excuses. Hope it all works out. HUGS! HUGS! and more HUGS! to you. I am sure you need a few :)

Hello, I am so sorry you and your family are in this situation. I can speak from both sides of this. My Dad was not a part of my life as a child and unfortunately it has repeated with my children's father as well. It is especially painful for me because I know what they are feeling.

I would recommend counseling for them if you can afford it at all. I think that may have helped me because my Mom did not really talk to me about it and I saw her going through alot of pain when he left.

Also try to find male role models for them. Grandpa? Uncles? Family friends? I think its important for them to see whole family units with a caring father. For them to see that all men are not like that and they can expect more from a man and your son can be a better man. I never got to see a whole family and how that even works together, so it was very hard for me when I had my own family.

I now have a relationship with my father (I'm 31). We talked about why he was not a part of my (and brother's)life when we were growing up and it seems to have been a combination of him moving on with his new family, having obligations with them and also it being uncomfortable for him to see my mother knowing how he had done her wrong and re-live that feeling everytime he saw her.

I don't know the specifics of your situation but I think you have hope because
1. he was a caring father for them before- so this not his usual behavior
2. you are willing to set aside your feelings for the sake of your kids

How about have your daughter write him a letter telling him how this is making her feel? If not a letter to him, get her a journal so she can write/draw about how she is feeling. It is good for her to recognize her emotions and release them. Also it may help for him to hear it from her and not you.

Maybe you guys can work something out where he picks them up straight from school for the weekend and drops them off on Monday or at a friends house- some arrangement so he does not have to interact with you. (generally men do not handle with their emotions well)

If you can't afford counseling there must be books on this at the library, in fact I think I am going to check that out also ;>

When in doubt pray and then keep an open heart and mind to see the best solution!

A.
Mom to 4 - 8b,5b,5b,3g

I personally would say take her, take all of them. I was adotped when I was 10. I just found my biological parents about a year ago and am 28 now. I have no desire to see my dad, which by the way is the reason I was put up for adoption. He hid me from my mom, didn't want her to have me when they separated. I lost literally 22 yrs with her. Remind him that he is being selfish. So what if he doesn't want to see you or be tied to you. He helped make the kids and he has to take responsibility for it. You will both have to find common ground to get along for the kids sake. It's not about you or him, it's about them. I wish I would have had the chance to know my mom. I just found out that I have a 16 yr old sister that I have never had the chance of knowing because my parents were selfish. I love my adoptive family with all my heart...but it hurts to know that I had another family that couldn't resolve their differences for my sake as a child. Good luck in whatever you decide!

Does he have any really good friends that you talk to? He might think that he has to deal with you in order to keep a relationship with his kids. His friend can really tell him how affected his kids are by the situation. It isn't their fault that your relationship didn't work. Do u not talk to your in-laws? They certainly should be able to tell him how unfair he is being to your children. Unless the issue was drugs and he is just become self-absorbed and choose that different lifestyle then your kids are better off for now. Just make sure that they know that they are not to blame and it is their dads loss not to be involved with them at this time.

Having been in that situation as the CHILD, I would take her to see him. If he is a jerk and breaks her heart, better now than her dealing with abandonment issues in her 20's and 30's. If your kids don't witness his behavior for themselves, they will start to think you are making it up and they see you as the obstacle between them and their father, rather than his choices.

Hi J., Tell the girls that Dad is going throuh a rough time and he is working on himself. I don't know the cituation in the house. I have a Dad, But I didn't grow up with one in the house. I know what it is like for My Dad not to be there and wonder why he does not want to see me.
Am I not good enough? Girls get their confidence from their Dads. So build that up. I myself have been married for nearly 10 years, we have been together for 17. We have had are ups and downs. We have three boys 13,9,5. There have been times When he was not in the home.
Maybe you can arrange a time to have coffee with dad. and let him know your concerns.
I do hope you get through this.
C.

I am so sorry to hear this. My ex (2nd ex) turned out to be a jerk too and I didn't think he would. He wants me to adopt the kids out to my first ex!

I have no answers. Have you spoken with him and expressed that this is breaking your children's hearts? That he should have considered the "link" when he made them?

I would probably take them whoever wants to see him to his house. He needs to be the one to tell them why he isn't apart of their life right now, besides anything that you two did shouldn't affect wanting to see you kids! The children are the most important thing that came out of your relationship. When my dad and mom split my dad always told me that the only reason my mom and him got together was to have us 3 kids, those kids are the main reason god put you two together and then need their father as much as they need you. I hope this helps in your decision as to what you are going to do. Good Luck

I am writing this response as a child from a divorced family, not so much as a parent.

I think you should take not only your daughter but you others as well to see their dad whenever they want to. He should have to face his children. My mother had 4 children from 4 different men. I am the only that contact with my father, that being said, my other siblings are somewhat resentful towards my mother for not activly letting them be a part of their fathers lives. Don't get me wrong, their fathers did not make a huge effort to see them, but nor did my mother make an effort to seek them. In the long run, when your children are adults, they will thank you for trying!! Trust me!! I hope you the best of luck with your situation. So in finish, take them to see their father and let him face up to them why is not activly being a part of their lives. This kind of situations can get nasty between the parents. The last thing you want is one day their father telling them that you were the one that did not let your kids see him. Good luck !

J.,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I wish you the best of luck. We have a situation with grandparents where they just don't care and sometimes don't show up, call, etc. for weeks and my daughter asks to see them, call them, etc.

What i have explained to her in the best way I could that peoples minds aren't all the same and sometimes they have mental problems (with ours its past drug problems, etc.) maybe by explaining to her that sometimes people go through bouts of depression, etc. will help her to be empathetic to what he may be going through.

Good luck,
L.

I am so sorry for what you have to go through. I know how difficult it is. Children want so much for their parents to love them. If you've explained what you could, I think I would probably take her to see her father. Of course, he might not have the response that she would be looking for, but who knows maybe he would melt a little for her sake. I will be praying for you.

My thoughts are, thisis your 10 year old daughter. Being a mother of a12 yr.old daughter at 10 thay seem to need dad more. At this age I think there start to think more of boys and dad is there first examble.Talk to dad about what kind of guy he wants her to date when she is old enough.I'm sure he wants her to have good postive views on men and he is her firstlook at it.I would get her involved with a church youth groupwith good male youth leaders and sports where she is around men with good fatherly support. No one can replace dad but she can get some of that dad support. God bless!!

I would suggest on taking the kids to counseling. Having a father reject them is so hard on a child that age and is going to have life long negative effects on them unless you help them cope. I would talk to him first and tell him how his decision is affecting them and how is daughter really wants to see him. Tell him how he can end his relationship with you but the children are his children for life. MAybe suggest a middle ground tell him he can pick them up at his parents or Burger king if he doesn't want to deal with you. His attitude would decide how I would approach the situation. If he still doesn't want to see them then I would not take them to him. It would hurt a lot more if you bring the kids and he says he doesn't want to see them anymore infront of them. Try to explain that their dad is going through something really difficult right now and is all confused. He needs time alone and to get things straight, hopefully he will get his mind back together and be a part of their life. Good luck and I feel so sorry for your children and you.

J.,

Wow. That's really sad. When was the last time you spoke with him? Are you certain he still feels that way about his children? Maybe you should go over there and speak with him before subjecting your daughter to her dad's rejection. Or maybe just tell her that he needs some time. Either way, you should probably get your kids into some sort of counseling. They are going to need a lot of help dealing with the fact that their dad doesn't want them after having him around for their entire lives. How are you handling it? I wish I could offer some more helpful advice, but I don't really understand the whole situation. I wish you and your family the best.

-T. Q

Is it possible to find someone who stands neutrally between the two of you? Have you and your husband seen a counselor in the past? One that he trusts? Maybe he will come around eventually; it seems everyone's emotions are raw right now and pushing could do more harm at this point. Is it possible to have the children see a counselor? Are they close to his parents? Things may get worse before they get better and I pray this part is the worse and a break comes soon. God Bless You and your family.

You're right not to bash their dad...in the end that will only end up hurting your relationship with them. I would take your daughter to see her dad, and let him be the one to tell her he no longer wants to be a part of their lives. She won't believe it coming from you--much as it will hurt, it really needs to come from him. All you can do is be there for your kids if they need to talk about it, and support them in whatever decision they make about their dad. I hope it all works out--maybe when he sees the kids again he'll realize that he's being an idiot, but you also have to be prepared for the possibility that he won't. GL and I hope it all works out!!