What to Do? - Forest City,IA

I think you are doing all that you can do. Let her move in with her dad, but let her know that you will always be there for her and support her. She will probably see that the grass isn't greener on the other side and may be back.

I would let her know that it is her decision if she wants to move out when she is 18. I would also tell her that she is more than welcome to stay with you but there has to be rules to follow. That's a big one especially if you have other children in the house.

Just let her know that you still love her and you respect her decision. Also, let her know that you are always there for her and if she needs anything; she can come to you.

We went through this with our middle son and everything worked out fine. He is now 32, a father and says he would have a problem moving far away from us. :)

KimE

Hi P.! Aren't teenage daughters fun? The day my daughter turned 18 she moved in with her boyfriend and it was the best thing that could have happened to our relationship. The biggest thing was that I was no longer aware of all the stupid stuff she was doing on a day-to-day basis so I was more relaxed when we were together. Also, I was more relaxed internally. Also, she began to see that life at my house wasn't all bad. That was the start of us becoming friends -- fellow adults. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. Usually I think it's a good idea to let people make their own decisions and see how they work out. Very hard to do with our kids but very necessary if we want them to become sensible, independent adults.
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I once heard a therapist say "Before you are 18 you have to live with your parents and you have to respect the rules. Once you turn 18, you get to live with your parents and you choose to respect the rules." If she turns 18 and decides to move in with her dad, maybe the best thing to do is let her - but also let her know that with the move, and the fact she wants to be her own adult, that she needs to face up to all the other adult issues there are...no more cell phone (if you pay for that), no more car (if you are paying for it), etc. If she wants the liberty to make one adult decision, the rest come along with it. She doesn't get to make this kind of choice and then get all the benefits of still living with you. While this may be tough love, she needs to see the consequence of her decision. I would let her know you'll welcome her home with open arms should she choose to move home, but that her choice to move back home, should she ever want to, also means she chooses to live with the rules of your house.

Sometimes kids need to make these decisions and find out what happens. It is part of growing up. Stay strong.

First,make sure this is not about you. You can tell her how you feel as long as your not putting her dad down. Kids need to learn to make their own decisions. It doesnt matter if it is wrong or right! She will learn and in time she will know if it was right for her. It would be good for you to respect her choice,weather you think it is right or not,she needs to know you are there for her and will not critisize her. She needs to be free to come back to you if need be. Its a learning process. Think back to when you were that age,it wasnt that long ago. Its hard to let our kids make choices,we dont want them to make the same mistakes we did and things like that,but it is important for her growth. She's going through a phase...think possitive...pray...and keep loving feelings toward her,the more you push the farther they drift away! Good luck! Teens are so hard! Just trust and believe every thing will work out for the best. when we let things work out themselves and dont force,it works out faster and things turn out better in the long run.

P.-

I agree with the other ladies..Just kiss her and let her go and remind her that your door to your house and in your life is always open and call her everyday no matter how many time.. Remind her if she comes back she has to follow your rules..Remind her that you love her and hopes that she is doing alright..once she turns 18 she an adult and sometimes is almost easier to let her learn form her mistakes and just be there for her no matter what too..

I think the responses you've gotten so far are right on the money. Give her a kiss, tell her you love her, and let her go live with dad. Let her know she can come back whenever she wants but that she has to follow the rules for the good of the entire family. She has to know that you are always there for her but you will not tolerate bad behavior.

I also wanted to comment a little on what you wrote about your ex. You seem very angry with him ( I know, how could you not be after what he did). I grew up in a divorced household with an angry and bitter mom and it really affected me...left me with a bad view of men and very little trust for them. It affects me to this day as far as the type of men I date, etc. For the sake of your kids, please try to let that anger go. You probably don't realize how it seeps in to your everyday life and that of your family.

That's my two cents. Good luck!

You know there really isn't a right answer, because each child is different. My parents were so completely strict, even when I was 19, paying rent to live in their home, they would not allow me to make any of my own decisions. Maybe instead of telling her what to do, talk to her about decision consequences. And realize that if she has not had any freedom, she does not know how to make good decisions and will probably do a lot of "wild" things. Better to keep the relationship open between you, she will legally be an adult at 18, and open up a dialogue. Also know that she will make a lot of stupid decisions... kids do that, but as long as they are not life threatening or altering, start letting her learn from her mistakes. And by the way...it is a good thing that she is asserting her independence, that means that you have done your job as a parent.

It seems that most 18 year olds go through this to a different degree. Your daughter wants to make decisions. What you can hope for, is that you have given her the tools through out her life to deal with any problems that she will face. There is nothing we as parents can do about the problems our children create, we did not create the problems. Those are choices our children make and choose to face. What you can look forward to, is that she will return, maybe not for good, but when she does, she will be unbelievably more respectful and appreciative of what she did have. Trying to keep her and battle is useless for all of your family. It also sets a poor example for your younger children. If you feel her fathers environment is safe, then by all means, let her go to him. Leave your door open, but stand by your convictions and rules. Tell her you love her....often. Advise her when she asks. Be there if she falls. Please make sure that she has set some goals for higher education and her future. Tell her to make sure she knows where she wants to be. Also keep in close touch with her, and your ex. don't loose track. And please please please make sure her siblings know she is being taken care of and is safe. Include them, so they don't worry about her and so they know you are being the best mom you can be for her. Explain that their sister is approaching adulthood and is exploring herself and that you will always be there for her and them. Good Luck

Correct P. ~ she is an adult now. Give her a kiss and let her go. Tell her you love her and that she is welcome in your life any time. Then call her now and then to see how she is doing.

She'll be fine.

I know how you feel i went thrugh the same thing with my oldest daughter. Let her move out but let her know that she is welcome back home anytime as long as her follows your rules. Her will realize in time that living with mom wasn't so bad. My daughter is still on her own but she still asks for help once inahile but she has a job and her own place now and is diong good.
T.

Hi P.,

There are phases in life.

1)0-2 - They really need mommy

2)3-5 - They think you are grown and express it with tantrums lol

3)6-10 -Trantrums are over (hopefully) and they have their little friends and get along better with mom. A calm before the storm.

4)11-13 - They get secretive and close the door and giggle with friends. Test the waters a little bit without diving in.

5) 14-20 - They try and be grown again. Get rebellious and want to be independent. At 16 there is a car involved!

6) 21 - 25 - If not illegally already, they discover the bar scene and are out with girlfriends a lot more. Maybe even taken trips. Off to college perhaps.

7) 26 - 30: Mom becomes best friend again. Especially when they have kids.

Don't worry - she'll cycle back around. No matter how mad she gets always be there for her. So when she looks back at this time - and she will. She'll chuckle and say; "wow mom put up with a lot from me - I love her for that."

Send her off with her dad. 9 times out of 10 she'll be like oops and you'll get that phone call - "Mom, can I come home?" Let her find out for herself. Call her, send her cards, just always be available for her. Let her know your love is unconditional.

Let us know how it goes - hang in there

Hugs to you.

Ann,

This is a difficult time in a young girls life. She wants to go to dad because she thinks it will be better living there. Hopefully he has decent parenting skills and won't let her run wild. You just tell her in a calm moment that you love her and that you are doing the best you know how to do. Kids don't come with a instruction manual, so you pretty much go by your heart and common sense. Tell her that she is welcome to come back if she finds she is not happy at dads. Make sure you call her often to keep in touch, maybe send her a card occasionally to let her know you are thinking about her. You should also keep in touch with her dad and chat with him on a regular basis about her so you can get an idea of how he is coping and handling her. She may eventually find that life at moms wasn't as bad as she thought. And last but not least, pray for her.

Let her know you care. Let her know why living with her father is not a better answer. Listen to her if she has problems with your new husband of any kind... and do something about it if you can (my stepfather covertly sexually abused me for 13+ years, my mother didn't believe me until she found out he was also molesting his own daughter - he was also sexually harassing and verbally abusing me). Find out if she's having trouble with bullying at school, and do something about it.

If she's feeling undervalued by you maybe it's time for you to step up to the plate and designate some time to spend with her (try to make it as pleasant as possible... if it doesn't work, at least you tried). Make sure she doesn't always get stuck looking after the younger kids... but also let her know she does have a responsibility to them as their older sister (she needs to help out when she can, but respect her time off). I was 15 years older than my youngest sister... I lost a lot of my freedom due to my mother's constantly making me the "instant daycare provider". I lost a lot of respect for her because of that. But, I also realize now that I should have stepped up to help her willingly a lot more often than I did... that's what families do.

Most importantly pray. God hears a mother's cry! Let her know she has to respect you, and your rules... if she doesn't it may be best to let her go... even if it hurts to watch her. Sometimes the best lessons are the hardest ones to learn.

Hang in there... you will get through it... and everything will happen as it's meant to.

I think you have to let her go. The opportunities for you to train her or be her authority are past. Now, if you open your hand and let her step out, with the understanding as someone else stated, she can come back whenever she wants to follow your house rules, you can build a new relationship. It might take a while. I am a mom of 3 grown married children, 26 to 32, and 3 going on 5 grandkids. We did a lot of discipline when they were younger and as they grew we released our control little by little. I think the secret is to not see them as a possesion, which is easy to do as a parent, but as a passing opportunity in your life to impart some wisdom and lots of love. At some point, however, it is too late to do the training that should come earlier and will pervade the rest of their lives. Our children knew they were a part of our family and my husband and I made the decisions and they fit in. So many families, especially moms, I see are so tired of the battles they have, almost continuously, with their children. Their lives revolve around their children's wants. They have that mother love and at the same time want to get away from the kids. I am not saying you feel like this. To get away from this I believe parents need to train children, from day 1, that they are not the center of the universe. If you pick them up every time they cry, they will cry to be picked up. If you breastfeed them every time they fidget or act discontent, they become demanding breastfeeders, these things and patterns extend into later childhood and then young adulthood. Instead we can make wise decisions, such as having them clean up their mess before they have supper. Supper can wait and be re-heated. Or even,when a young infant is sleepy and you want to rock them to sleep: don't let them fidget in your arms. Hold that young child firmly and let them cry for 5 minutes until they figure out that someone else is in control. After a few times, they no longer cry. This is all under the assumption that they are fed, dry diapers and have no physical problems. So many fear to share these things because they think others will say they are too harsh. I believe it is too harsh to not train earlier and then have children that no one likes to be around later.

Again, I have not intended to point these examples at you. As far as I know, none of them may apply to you personally. However, in general, the tolerance attitude of parents towards their children is destroying our society and breeding a whole generation of uncontrolled tyrants.

She will be 18 and you haven't a choice in the matter. Best thing is to keep it calm and let her know that you love her and if things don't work out, she is welcome to come back, but the rules are still there and you will expect her to abide by the house rules. Chances are she will see life isn't all fun and simple anywhere and will miss mom enough to move back home. While she is out on her own or with dad, treat her like an adult. If she needs to go to the doctor, say " they will need you to pay upfront so you will need to take money" If she needs clothes, let her know being an adult is supporting yourself. This doesn't mean you can't buy her things, let them be your idea though. This doesn't mean you can't help her, but she needs to know she can do it herself. The biggest shock my daughter got when she moved out on her 18th birthday was when she got sick and I told her to go to the doctor, she didn't want to end up with a big hospital bill if she lets it go. She said "What?? I have to PAY for my own doctor's visit now?" I said "yes, part of being an adult is paying your own way. Our insurance won't cover you if you are over 18 and not living at home"
She is now 25 and we have been very very close for the past 6 years. Once she realized that being an adult meant more then party time. She is a hair dresser, paying her own way and while she still likes to party, she does it without my worrying and having to wait up for her. I still worry about her, but not to the point of when she was home.

Hello P.. I just want to tell you that there is life after your kids grow up :) My second daughter from a first marriage used to visit her father in another state (on the west coast) and when she was 16 one summer, she and her father decided she wasn't coming back home. I was devastated! I thought my heart was broken and that it would never repair. To make a long story short, this happened in August and by the following June, they were asking if she could come back. She wasn't who they (other family) thought she was and she was ready to come back. We still struggled and she was so ready to be on her own at 18, but by then I also knew it was time for her to find out what it was like to be on her own. She is now a wonderful grown woman with 3 children of her own and we are very close friends. It was hard at the time, but I had to think of our other children - my stepson and 'our' baby daughter and I had to let go and let God. That was the bottom line that kept me sane. That and the awesome support of my husband. So let her go and find out things that may end up being the hard way, but she'll learn.

Sometimes, experience is the best teacher. My stepson left a week before his 18th birthday and he struggled on his own, but that's where he wanted to be. And he learned some important lessons along the way to adulthood. He is a grown man with two boys of his own and we're buddies too. Both kids are wonderful parents and hoepfully, they won't have to deal with what they put us through.

Best of luck and God bless.

I did the same thing as your daughter when I was 14. All it took was one night for me to see that the grass wasn't any greener on the other side. It may take your daughter more than one night or she may stay with her dad indefinitely, but give her a kiss, tell her you love her and she's always welcome back if she should decide to come back and live with the rules and then offer to help her pack. It's hard to do, but at this point, you have to let her make mistakes on her own and figure out how to clean up after those mistakes.