Many years ago before I had children, I had a pivotal conversation with a colleague in the lunchroom. She was discussing how parents can teach their children to be likeable. My children do fine socially. They are not the most popular kids in school but neither are they loners. I moved around a lot and didn't grow up with a lot of friends and I was an only child until I was 13. What do you think I should teach (and reinforce) with my children to nurture their successful navigation of relationships without being walked on themselves/?
Wonderful responses! Thank you, Ladies. I agree with all that was said, and I believe all three of my children are, in a natural way, following the theme of your answers. The are confident, they certainly know who they are, we impose limits and expectations (chores, civility, citizenship, etc), we honor who they are not who we wish they would be. We enjoy them and are happy to have them. I am pleased with where they are socially. I agree. Popularity is not really a good thing, especially as a teen.
I was never confident growing up. I was not in a TV drama-sad childhood, but because of medical and mobility circumstances, didn't have a lot of friends. I suppose I still (at 52!) don't have the confidence I should. The genesis of my question, now that I read your answers, was a reality check for me. Am I doing right by my children since their childhoods are so very different than my own? I think perhaps I didn't give myself enough credit. Your answers make me really happy. Thank you for affirming my parenting. I just love this forum. Keep the answers coming!
I think the key is the Golden Rule...treat others the way you want to be treated. Everything else should fall into place. Hopefully. =)
Confidence. Confident people, even kids, tend to be more liked. Always reinforce how special your child is.
You teach your children to be likable by teaching them to like themselves. If they like themselves they don't need to be cocky; they'll be confident. They won't need to put others down to put themselves up. They can care for others because they don't always have to put themselves first to gain self worth. They'll be able to laugh at themselves, and other laughter will also come easily. And they'll be interesting because they'll be comfortable with their own interests and will want to share those with others. Finally, a person who likes himself doesn't let others take advantage of him because he knows he's worth more than that.
The upside is that you probably think your kids are great, and you liking them is the first step for them liking themselves. Good luck!
I think you should teach your children to be confident, independant, compassionate and caring. Teach them that they are wonderful the way they are; that not everyone is going to like them, but that's OK. Teach them to be themselves. Support who they are. Teach them to think before they speak and act; to consider how their words and actions may affect their friends. Teach them that they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
I second (or third) the confidence thing! That way even if they don't 'go with the crowd', they are happy to be doing their own thing!!
Kindness - to everyone/anyone. Doesn't matter your size, color, social status, etc. This includes animals and the earth! Treat everyone as you would want to be treated.
Communication - teach them to not only say what they mean but mean what they say. Teach them about nonverbal communication. Saying please and thank you are big ones with me!
Laughter - teach them how to laugh and how it's okay to laugh at yourself. I'm not talking stand up comedian here (although that is okay too!) but teach them how laughter can brighten up someone who is having a bad day, knowing how to laugh (when you want to cry) can sometimes cure sadness, knowing that being able to make someone laugh may be the only thing they can do in some instances.
i wouldnt push the idea of popularity, according to many studies it is preferable (for emotional iq) to have a few good friends and not necessarily important at all to have many aquaintances. Make sure your childen know what it means to be a good friend and that they act and expect the same in return. Sooner or later they will develop the right group. Popularity is usually a bad thing from the perspective of respect and emotional stability.
I think they need to know themselves, they need to be able to communicate and be confident enough to do so. That confidence will allow them to standup for themselves. They need to be compassionate, and curious, and honest. How you instill all these things other than modeling them, and trying to show them how to develop them, I have no idea.
Teach them to stand up for what's right, always.
Teach them to be kind and smile.
Teach them to say, "Hello, my name is..."
Teach them to try new things.
Teach them to face their fears.
I've come across a few people who absolutely need to be liked by everyone. They bend over backwards trying to please everyone and when they can't they are miserable.
I tell my son to be nice, be civil, but don't be anyone's doormat. You need to strike a balance. He's a confident kid who's a black belt in taekwondo.
the concept of being "likeable" is so subjective and can be capricious.... and also reflects age stage and maturity etc.
It is not a 'finite' thing... and there are SO many different types of people/personalities and groups of people... that no one will be absolutely "likeable" by EVERYONE 100%.
Your kids as you said, do fine socially. Great!
No one has to be the most 'popular' kids. People naturally gravitate toward people or not.... or types of people.
Mostly, a child needs to KNOW "who" they are... and have self-assurance in that... and that they do not have to be 'followers' nor be liked by everyone. It is impossible... to be liked, by EVERYONE. And it is not a prerequisite, for success.
Some people are people pleasers. Some are just themselves. For me personally, I rather have my kids be THEMselves... and to KNOW "who" they are. Not having to think that they have to be liked everyone else nor to please everyone else.... but yes, to have manners and social skills, to know their emotions and feelings, and to know right from wrong and to be thoughtful etc. My kids are that... and they know LIMITS and which kids to hang around or not.... based on character. They can discern.... character.
To me, that is FAR more important of a priority... than to just try to be "liked" by everyone.
In order to 'teach' a child how to navigate themselves socially and in relationships... they have to know THEMSELVES... and who they are... and their emotions. To be aware of that.... and know how to stand up for themselves... in situations.
If a kid thinks they always have to be 'liked'... then, THIS leads to a child that will always be giving up of themselves... to the other person.... and perhaps being a door-mat.
So... being "liked" by everyone.. to me... is not a good way to teach a child. But to have an "emotional IQ" about themselves and to know themselves... is golden. Some adults don't even know that.
A child, even if very young... can have a good self-Identity. And to me, THAT is far more important.... and to have a sense of what is right/wrong/thoughtfulness/empathy and being able to "discern" other people's character and choosing friends. If a child only wants to be 'liked'... they will not be "choosing" friends wisely.
all the best,
Susan
I agree with Ashley -instilling a child with confidence (NOT cockiness), will take them far. Confident people attract others. Confident people do what they really believe and feel like instead of what everyone else is doing, and in turn, that often makes them leaders. That, and really teaching them that a kind word never hurts. They don't have to like everybody or be friends with everybody, but (and here it is again) having the confidence to stand above the herd and help the new kid or speak to the unpopular person when you pass them in the hall will take you far.
AWesome question, I definately think about this aind want to do this, but struggle with the balance and knowing how to do this. Keep the answers coming.
Teach them to be genuine and kind. I have had people in my life that I thought were great people, only to find out through time that they were not nice people at all! If everyone treated other's how they would want to be treated, no one would ever be walked on.
I plan on teaching my daughter to always follow the Golden Rule, and just be herself. Be genuine...don't lie or ever say something behind someone's back you wouldn't say to their face. Thats genuine. Be true to herself, and don't let anyone take advantage of her. If a child knows they are worth something, they will know they deserve to be treated well.
Manners, balance, tonality, respect, & confidence.
I have understood that the best way for my kids to be confident is for me to be patient with them, make sure THEY know how much they are loved and worth and to be kind and polite. A child's confidence mostly comes from how she/he loves herself/himself. I feel that if our children feel good about their life and have a balanced life there is no reason for them to be unliked. I have a daughter who is the most sweetest, soft and kind girl but had trouble in kinder and first grade with her self esteem and wanting to be accepted by the girls in her class, being so young I was shocked that this was an issue but I realized she just needed to spend more time with ME. I have taught her that she gets to chose her friends and that "she" should chose people that are kind and beautiful inside. The best investment you can give your kids is YOUR time and patience. My two cents anyway.
