What Should I Say to My Daughter

She probably felt uncomfortable and responded in that way. Maybe guilty ...or confused. I agree this is too much for the little ones. You might mention it to the Kindergarten teacher so she is aware. They are such gifted teachers they can usually nip that stuff in the bud since they are there when it happens.

Oh the memories...I had my first kiss(at request of three classmates) in Kindergarten! And then nothing more til high school!! Stop worrying, some of us are leadrs some of us are followers, and some of us wait until second grade to decide which we are. She'll be fine, stop overthinking it.

I think you said the right thing to her. And I think you also did the right thing about leaving the situation alone when she wanted to leave it alone. I believe that you will have a better relationship with her in the end. She will repsect what you say and continue to ask more questions later on because you will understand. When I was little, my mom told me that though I didn't say much about the advice she gave me, she found out that I would always go back and repeat to other kids what she and I discussed. To the point that other kids wanted to come and ask her questions instead of asking their own parents. When she realized this she would refer them back to their own parents. The other kids got around that response by having me ask the questions in their presence so that they could hear the answer she gave me.

One of the things that my boy respect about me is I never lie to them, and I always respect their thoughts even if their thought are not what I would teach. We talk about things and they are honest with me because I am honest with them. You will learn that in the end that is going to be all that you really want from her is honesty and trust that you will give her good directions.

Thank her for telling you. Let her know that you feel really special because she trusts you enough to tell you stuff that happens at school. Ask her how she felt when she kissed the boy. Ask a lot of questions and really listen to her answers. Instead of saying "you don't have to do anything you don't want to do", maybe try something like "how do you think you would have felt if you had said no and walked away?" Let her come up with the "right" thing on her own with your guidance. The more your kids talk to you, the more you know and this sets the foundation for many more challenging conversations in the future. Good Luck!!!

I was talking to a friend this week, and she said something she says to her kids...it was in a slightly different context, but it might be helpful. She was explaining that sometimes other kids may do things that their family doesn't do, and she encourages her kids to "stay true to themselves, their family choices and their feelings". Which I thought was a very positive way to affirm my own kids,teach self value & worth, and empower kids to do the right thing knowing they may make choices that are different from their friends (peer pressure) and that it is ok to do so!

It really stuck in my mind when she said it, I think that was God's gift to me knowing it would prove helpful to someone else, too. --M. Purdin

In my family I've taught my son and daughters to "save kisses for special people." As adults we know that in order to make good choices we have to decide before we get in a tricky situation what we want to do. By talking about it with them in a way they can understand, when that issue comes up she has something to say to resist the pressure. Kisses are special and they need to be reserved for special people!

Hi, I had a similar experience as a kindergardner and wasn't totally scarred. Mom told me to punch the boy, which I warned him I would do if he tried again, and ended up hitting him. It didn't teach me a whole lot. I teach my kids to say "My body, my choice!" very firmly. We play games using this phrase and I ask if I can kiss or hug them. This sounds contrived, but its kind of a game and the kids love being able to control how and when and where they are touched.

Hope that helps!

I feel your stress, especially with all the constant reminders that kids seems to be growing up way too fast. I agree that it's best not to make a bid deal, the only suggestion I would make is to ask the teacher about the incident and to keep and eye on things since she/he is there and you aren't. Hope this is somewhat helpful :)

Dear A.,

Your story caught my eye because I have a seven yr old in the 1st grade (son) and we are going through the same thing. I agree with you on everything that you said because on the one hand we have to say something if we want our kids to have any kind of morals or standards. We are the ones who plant those seeds but on the other had we do have to keep our calm. I think it is great that you let her know she does not need to do something just because the other kids want her to and if she stopped the conversation then let it rest. If she is like my son the subject will come up again and again and you will get more chances a little at a time to interject the things you want her to know. At first my son was shy about talking about his feelings but the more I listened, the more comfortable he has become and I feel like we have set some good boundaries with regard to proper conduct and what is allowed and what is NOT allowed. They are so young and it doesn't totally thrill me that we already have to address these issues, but if we don't someone will.

Keep up the good work, best wishes

T. Pruitt

I have a daughter and she is eight....she's in the second grade and now that we have moved her school to a permanent residence things have changed a little because of the new school...and some things were happening at this school...w/another little boy that i thought might have been innocent, but come to find out he wasn't. So, then we noticed that she wasn't acting herself...she would stay in her room without the tv on in the dark. I went to her room and started a conversation with her and she finally opened up to me and told me what was going on with the other child involved....this child was doing inappropriate things and making my child feel uncomfortable at her new school...if I would have prolong it by not conversating with her I probably wouldn't have known what was being done to my duagther at school without the Teacher noticing...kids are a lot smarter then we think and you always want your child to know they have their parents/teachers to talk to about anything/everything that goes on in their life/school.

Ahh the boyfriend/girlfriend drama.. I am a teacher assistant for kinder and have this all the time. We tell the children kissing is for big people and they can do hand shakes or hugs. Also, call the teacher and let her know this is going on. Just tell her what your daughter told you and that you just wanted to make her informed of it. It may be happing in PE art music or on the playground and she is not aware. We also talk about germs and how you can get sick from other peoples germs. Hope this helps.

A., You said exactly what I would have said. Her wanting to drop it should be a good cue. I can relay a couple of examples from my sons' childhoods that might help. One day I was cooking dinner and my then four year old son ran into the house with, "Mommy, Mommy, am I old enough to talk about sex?" After my initial panic (how to approach, etc.), I turned and looked at him and said, "No." (gut reaction). He looked at me and said, "Okay" and went back out to play with his friend. The subject didn't come back up for years.Evidently, he just wanted the basic answer! More in relation to your event, my oldest at age 7 came home in tears. He had a "crush" on one of the girls in his class and, during recess, had gotten bold and kissed her. She immediately slugged him! Now, 23 years later, they are still friends! You just never know with kids!

I would not make too big a deal out of it. It is very common in Kindergarten. Many of the kids in my daughters Kindergarten class were planning weddings -- it was pretty funny -- she is now in 6th grade and doing great.

I would check in with your daughters teacher just to make sure that there is nothing else going on and then look for opportunities to talk with your daughter about saving her kisses for family.

As a mom of 3 girls, i understand. Like you said the real issue is that someone was able to talk her into doing something she says she didn't want to do. That is the scary part. I know kids are 'made' differntly too. My middle girl is so strong willed that you could probably never make her do anything unless she wanted too. My oldest, in 1st grade, is a people pleaser. She wants to have everyone like her and she tends to bend easly. We practice at home/car with many topics. I help her find ways to say no. I also watch a little more closely at home now. I listen when her little sister is demanding her to do things and after she responses i step in and correct her. There are many times that her sister will tell her to do something and she doesn't want to and she comes running to me. I make her go back in and fix it. I also make an extra effort to ask her opinion and get her feed back. I want her to know that people will listen to her. Her opinions matter and make a difference. I also put her in a close contact team sport. Soccer. This has helped her be more aggressive in a positive sense. I just have to sit and wait to see how she continues to grow. I teach her the best i can and give her lots of support. It is a little scary out there, ok a lot, but we keep working all the time. I tell her things that happened to me at work and what i had to do and i try to set a strong example. I pray it pays off. Good luck! Ps.she loves soccer now, she is tiny but one of the best on her team. It has really built her confidence up.

hi A....im not sure i have any profound advice to offer...just a companion in the confusion!! we are going through the SAME thing in our household! my six year old kindergartener has come home telling me such similar things! I haven't known what to say either...part of me wants to believe it's just a phase (b/c in a couple of years girls we be gross to the boys, and this kissing phase will pass until middle school) however, then another part of me is freaking out!! I remember kind of going through a phase like this when I was young...however, I was never exposed to the television shows that our children are...so I wonder if our children are a less innocent generation?! anyhow, I've just listened to my daughter...I think what you did was probably the right thing...she's at an age where she wants to talk to you, perhaps other opportunities will arise where you can offer other advice to her, b/c if you are willing to listen when she doesn't want input she will probably be willing to ask Q's later on?! good luck!

First of all because she was goaded into doing this by her classmates, the question that popped in my mind was "Where was the teacher?" This issue should be addressed with her teacher and if that does not get any results, the principal of the school. This is completely unacceptable behavior - especially in a classroom. Tell your daughter to be strong, to "stick to her guns" and not do anything she does not want to do. This will be extremely helpful when she is older and boys want a lot more than just a kiss!

My opinion is leave it alone - or it will only turn it into a big deal. It's a little ironic - I too kissed a boy in the 1st grade out of peer pressure and I remember being very embarrasses about it. Plus my teacher chastised me for it in front of the entire class, which was really unkind. It's totally innocent and I think little girls are just sweeter and sometimes giving a kiss is just a way of showing how sweet they are! :-)

Hope this helps!

I think you did the right thing. She needs to know that she doesnt need to do things other kids say, if she doesnt want to. I would probably talk about it once more, just you and her maybe at a special dinner date. Also, I would mention it to the teacher. Where was the teacher while this was going on?? Not so anyone will get in trouble, but so the teacher can be aware and pay more attention.

Hello A.,

My 5 year old told me a few weeks ago that one of the little boys in her class was her boyfriend. afterwards she told me that she knew that she's too little to have a boyfriend but she still had one. it occurred to me to ask her the following question: "does he know that he is your boyfriend?" to which I got a clear NO with a few giggles afterwards. =) She does play a lot with him and they're good friends. do address the kissing part but don't make a big deal about it. in a few days she probably won't remember it. figure out what you want her to know and find ways to reinforce that info without making obvious... of course that approach will change soon enough. God help us all! Kids are growing too fast nowadays!
~C.~

Well not that i am an expert on the subject or anything...still trying to think of what I will tell my 6&1/2 year old when he asks deeper questions about babies and girls and such....I am a mother of 3 boys and thinks it is so important to keep the communication lines open...I never try to act surprized or embarrased when my son asks questions or confides in me but we are also a christian family and I try to always point him to God. I have also begun to instill in him that intimate relationships are for marriage and I joke that all his kisses are for me!! He has also been "kissed" by a girl at school! I think it is good what you said about not falling in to "peer pressure" but also I would have told her that I am mommy and noone will ever love you more than me...so that is why I am sharing my heart with her and sometimes "friends" do not have her best interest at heart.
If you are interested in christian values I would reccommend a cd called "parenting" by Jimmy Evans this was helpful to me.

there is an awsome book out there called "the princess and the kiss" by jennie Bishop. Its one of my girls favorites and it handles this subject very well...you should check it out!

We went through that in pre-k, and kindergarten. Now she is in second grade and since last year she has the "girls rule" attitude and could not care less about a boy. We even car pool with a boy that she was pretty good friends with, and I find myself making small talk in the car so the silence is not so awkward. I think your approach to her was good but it is still very innocent and it means very little. I would down play the whole incident and you will see this too should pass for a while.

i think it is not a big deal, but she maybe leaving something out. so go talk to the teacher and see if she knows anything about this. if she doesn't tell her what. dont take your daughter with you and tell the teacher that she cannot talk about it in class.

I have a 7 year old boy who came home one day and said he had two girl friends and he chased them down in recess and kissed them on the hand. I told him that if they wanted to be kissed on the hand, then that was appropriate, but only on the hand and only if they wanted him too. After a few weeks, he decided he didn't like girls.

I think you should talk to your daughter when maybe you are giving her a bath or in between bed-time stories about how special and unique she is...that God made only one of her in the whole world and that he also made us to think for ourselves and make our own choices. Try to not bring up what happened at the playground but just casually talk about your values and how important it is that she make good choices based on her own judgment and not that of others. I have had to talk to my son about this b/c he has a very domineering friend that dares him to do a lot of "boy" stuff. Although it's innocent now, someday it will not be. I want him to be able to think for himself. I tell him everyday before he walks out of the door to get into car pool to remember to whom he belongs (God) and that God is always there to call upon when he needs him.

Hope this helps. God bless! T. Newcomer

Hello,
It's probably pure innocents but, I would be somewhat concern about her telling you "Will you stop talking about this now". From my experience with my 10 year old daughter she would say things like this when I would give her my advise about something that she knew I was correct about but, she didn't want to hear it, which is typical even as an adult. We don't always like hearing someone tells us something that is true ... when we could have made a different approach or handled it differently. make sense? I would just reinforce her to try and do what she feels is right and try not to let others pressure her to do something that she doesn't want too. I can't tell you how many times I tell this to my daughter .. set the example .. do the right thing. Which has paid off -- sometimes. You could also talk to her teacher. hope this helps. Lisa

I kissed a boy on the cheek in the first grade and one little boy I knew claimed to have 21 girlfriends in the first grade. They are just playing. However, the advice from the kinder teacher is good. The teacher should also be made aware.

It is funny that you brought this up, but the same thing is going on in my son's kindergarten class. I keep hearing stories of two children who are boyfriend/girlfriend kissing on the playground and saying that they are "in love". I am a pretty open and honest type of parent and want to make sure the lines of communication stay open as he gets older. I ask him about it every once in a while....... asking him if he has a girlfriend and what's going on with the other kids. I ask him how he feels about the girls in his class, etc.... , He keeps telling me that he isn't ready for a girlfriend and he too thinks that kissing at this age is too young. However, I do think this is normal, although it does seem pretty young to us..... I guess this is a sign of the times!!! I would try to remain non-judgemental and ask her about her feelings and such.

drop it unless it comes up again.
I have had much experience with this - 1st my son who is now 21 - it was innocent - mimiking what he saw adults kiss. We discussed that it wasn't appropriate at school and then dropped it. It was a one time thing.
My now 11 year old - wrote in his 1st grade year book about kissing a girl - who he liked. The teacher had observed the Kiss and spoke to both sets of parents - we thought it was cute - discussed with them it was not good behaviour for school. they are still in the same school together and at least once during the year are "boyfriend-girlfriend" as much as youngster's can be.
then Myself - well i was thrown together with a boy because our sisters were in scouts together - we did everything together - slept in the same sleeping bag on campouts, spent the night at each others house, KISSed, we walked to school together and he would carry my books - escort me to class - put my books up, hang my coat up and then kiss me good day! (1st grade) - we had a sub once that went ballastic about this and sent us to the principal's office. Parents called in the whole bit - Ultimately we were told - NO KISSING at school. this went on the whole year until they transfered to CA because his dad got sent to vietnam.

But i think you have handled it right so far.

I don't have any advice per se, but just to make you feel a little better when I was 5 in kindergarten I chased a little boy and then caught him and kissed him on the cheek. I have no idea where this came from but I had to go to principal's office and never did that again. :) Anyhow I ended up being known as the prude in my class because I did not want to kiss a boy while all my other friends were doing that. I think if you just teach her your values and reinforce that gently without overkill, she will learn what is appropriate. Obviously if it happens again then you can address the situation differently. I hope that helps a little.

A.

I say let it rest and enjoy this phase.

My 23 year old daughter came home from day care when she was three and told me that she and a little boy in her class were married. We even ended up naming one of our cats after him.

honestly, i might talk to the teacher just to let her know whats going on. besides, as long as you and your husband set a good example about boys and girls she'll be okay. i wouldnt worry about it. she's still a kid. not to freak you out but its important for parents to talk to their kids. i know it sounds strange but these days girls are doing stuff so much earlier than they should. jr high girls having sex, believe me i'm in the loop with my two 15 yr old girl cousins. i think it all comes down to their home life. good luck.

my daughter is 5 and in kindergarten and she tells me all the time a boy kissed her on the cheek or the back of the head. She will straight up tell you that one of the boys is in love with her. I think nothing of it cuz they are young, i do however tell her no one is to kiss her on the lips. Tell her she doesnt have to do anything anyone tells her in class, that she can make her own decissions.

I think you handled it fine. Be proud that she has confided in you. You have obviously instilled good values in her because she felt bothered enough by it to tell you about it. I wouldnt worry. (Easier said, than done, right?)
I agree...I wouldnt be worried about the kissing thing. It sounds like she was more concerned about doing something she didnt want to do.
Kinders explore at this age with things like this and as a teacher, we see it every year. It is very developmental, so dont worry. (At least she is not exploring/showing her "parts" in the bathrooms, like some Kinders will do!...I know, it sounds horrible, but it happens a lot more than you would think!)
I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and I hope she confides in me the way yours has. GOOD JOB, mommy!

I was helping out in my 6 year old's kindergarten class one day and overheard the teacher talking to another boy and girl about kissing. Apparently they had kissed each other (on the mouth or cheek I'm unsure). The teacher told them that kindergarten friends don't kiss.

I thought that was cute and at the same time it worked.

Keep it simple and on her level.

Hope this helps.

I started talking to my daughter way before she went to school about how her heart belongs to Jesus. That no one is to kiss her, hug her without permission. Boyfriends cause you to give part of your heart to them and then Jesus doesn't get your whole heart. I know this may sound ridiculous and you may be thinking that she may be too young but believe me I have seen the fruit of speaking this into her life early. My daughter in in 1st grade and while all of her friends have boyfriends she does not! she knows boyfriends equate to giving your heart away and she doesn't want any part of it. We have to talk to our daughters early - not make a huge deal because I think most of it is innocent but it isn't your daughter you usually have to worry about but the influence of the world and those in it.

I agree with the other posters here and would drop the issue unless it escalates.

But, just to put in my two cents. It is never too early to begin teaching about peer pressure. I would let some time go by and, without even referring to this incident, begin instilling values about peer pressure. A lot of adults today don't even realize how big a force this is in the lives of middle and high schoolers.

They are growing up! This is quite normal for Kindergarteners and 1st graders. They are just experimenting and playing, and it is usually nothing serious, just normal curiosity. Also, they sometimes add it things like "I didn't want to" or "they made me" if they pick up on the vibe that their parent doesn't agree with what they are being told. Last year, when my daughter was in 1st, there was a little boy that was enamored with her. He would even go by her desk and touch her hair and pick her up if she was standing near him. She is very shy and didn't know how to tell him to stop. When it got to that point, the teacher of course spoke with me and tried to seperate them as much as possible, but of course, they had to be near each other sometimes. I know this is all normal, so I didn't freak out. However, when he ended up in her class again this year, I did speak to her teacher and had them sit apart from each other in class so that she wouldn't have to deal with it. Now she can interact with him-- they begin to mature by 2nd grade. Just don't lose sleep about it! Take care...

Kissing?--I teach pre-k as well as a mom to 3 teens--keeping in mind she is only 6...I would explain times we can kiss and times we don't (germs being the main concern at this age)-the more 'excited' your response of any negative behavior, the more they are curious

You are right in that it is innocent. I would not 'encourage' the boyfriend thing though; when she brings it up again say, "you have many, many years until you can get married, so there is no need to have a boyfriend now." I would leave it at that, until she brings it up again, and don't continue on saying this. I would just talk to her as if she is talking about any other friend. In other area, confirm that she doesn't need to do things that her friends are doing or trying to get her to do. Let her know that you are always there to talk to about making decisions big and small, and that you know she will choose what is right and good. Also, this might be a good time to start "dates with dad." Once ever so often (once a week or once a month) get dad to take her out on a "date". He doesn't need to talk to her about dating, but he needs to treat her the way he wants her to be treated on a date, as in kindness, gentleness...it would be good to refer to this as a "date with dad" in when you talk about the occassion. No need to get all dressed up, it is just a special time for her to get dads attention, as she will seek out attention from boys (in her teen years) if she hasn't been getting a healthy dose from dad. Hope this helps you feel less confused and more in control of the situation. Take Care!

Oh how I feel your pain :)

My little flirt is doing the same thing. The little boy is completly in love with my daughter and she does not turn him away. They hold hands in the hallway in the mornings, and chase each other on the playground. They were caught kissing last year. We brought the school counselor. She talked to them about how kissing is something grownups do. She talked to them about friends. Kids have friends, kids have friends that are boys and girls. Kids have special friends, those are best friends. You can have several best friends. But "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" are something you have when you are grownup, boyfriends and girlfriends sometimes get married, are you ready to get married and move out of your house and pay bills and have to work everyday? When you are a kids, it is more fun to be best friends. The little talk was about twenty minutes, but you can get the jest of it.

I would not so worry about the kiss or the boyfriend/girlfriend talk. I would look for future opportunities to encourage your daughter's independence and trust in herself to not act based on others when she is not comfortable. Sometimes we try role playing scenerios to help our kids respond or not act to not flair the other party up. Friendships at this age can be sensitive. Kids in general do not want to do anything to be outcast. I agree you definitely want your kids to come to you with anything. It is a delicate balance.