What Should I Expect? - Carson,CA

My 16 month old can help pick up! I think it is rude for her not to even offer to help. I think I'd do what others have suggested. Begin the clean up song, say "It's time for everyone to help clean up", and maybe even talk directly to her child "So and so, will you help pick up the toys you played with? Thank you!"

I had this exact scenario happen to me with one of my good friends. I finally told her I enjoy when she and her kids came to play, but that I feel overwhelmed by the toys left out when they left. She just wasn't aware of it even being an issue. The problem was resolved after that. Good luck!

She is being rude. Plus, a 2 year old should start learning to help a little. Next time before she leaves ask him to help put the letters back, and see if she follows suit and starts helping. But do it in a fun "this is a game" way so it is not like you are calling the child out. Or just announce when it is close to time for her to leave that it is now time to clean up the toys, and can everyone help, and give the child a age appropriate job.

I would be the role model in this situation and start singing the "Clean Up" song before leaving. Do you know this song?

I bet the mom is not aware that she is not picking up after herself and curious baby.

Do it right in front of the mom, say right after the magnets are pulled from the frig, and before the baby's attention goes towards the next toy on the ground. Say, "Uh-oh, come back, clean up, clean up, everybody do there share..."

say, "wow! i'm so glad that you guys came over to visit. we had such a good time. let's start cleaning up some of these toys now so that we aren't rushed at the end of our visit."

grrr....

Have you asked her to help you pick up after her toddler? I suggest that she's just not aware that this is appropriate. My philosophy is that I won't complain about something until I've asked for help and not received it. I don't expect everyone to have the same standards or expectations that I have.

Be calm, friendly, and non-judgmental when you casually say something about picking up this mess. Ask before she's ready to go out the door. Perhaps talk about it in a casual way while her toddler is playing. If everyone pitches in (your older kids, you and her) the mess will be picked up in no time.

Strangely I have a slightly different response from most-

When I have friends with kids over, I fully expect that I will clean up after them. Many of my friends offer, but some don't, and I don't even remember who does or does not, which shows you how unimportant it is to me. I rarely accept the help since sometimes I want to wash things off, and I'm also particular about where things go. I've experienced somethings similar when I go to their homes- I offer but my help is rarely accepted. I do usually put away things that are easy to put back in the right place. I don't usually ask my toddler to do it- at that point in the visit I'm probably trying to avert a meltdown. So perhaps I feel it's okay because it's reciprocated? I think I see it like other forms of hospitality- I don't expect my guests to wash the dishes after a meal, for example.

Even though your kids have great manners and clean up, it might be that your friend wouldn't expect them to if they visited her.

In any case, if she is a good friend I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

I have a friend who does the same, except she also leaves other stuff like food all over the living room. It is very frustrating, but about the toys I only take out one certain toy out for them to play like blocks, then if they want to play with something else they have to clean up the rest ( the other toys are out of their reach). My daughter is the same age and she does understand what pick up means. If your friend does not tell her own daughter to pick up maybe you should say while they are still there, "its clean up time guys!" pick up a toy or two to demonstrate and they will follow. With my daughter it works when I sing her the clean up song.

Maybe you and the kids can encourage her little one to start playing a clean up game just before they have to leave. You can also clean up while she is still there visiting. For example, when the baby takes everything off the fridge, stop your conversation with her and put them back. Maybe if you interrupt your visit time with her to tidy up, she will notice and help out. :)

didn't read all responses and in this situation yes i would just start picking up before she leaves and hopefully she would get the hint and clean up, If you do half and she isn't moving, then i would say, Can you give me a hand? with a smile.

I do want to say, that sometimes if the playdate/visit has gone on too long and the child is tired, fussy over stimulated what have you, I just want them the heck out of my house and I am happy to clean up on my own. I would rather do it myself than deal with the child running all around and the mom insisting that they pick up, while the kid keeps running. unfortunately some people have kids like that. just my2 cents

Well, it would be nice for her to pick up after her baby. Sometimes by the time people leave, they really have to go, and are behind schedule, or whatever, and forget this important, polite thing. I would suggest that in the future, you pull out only one box for the child. If they want something else (get bored with the one), just say that it needs to be cleaned up first (as you help). I think she'll get the hint. At least hopefully!

When any kids come over and start making a mess, I always play the clean up game with them before they leave. In your friend's case, I'd make sure to say something fun like, "C'mon, Mom, this game's for everyone!"

You can say something like "Time to clean up!" Hopefully she'll take the hint. ;-)

well when my kids were young, I never let anyone leave unless everything was picked up. Put one thing away before you go on to the next. You need to teach her that that is the way you do things at "Aund S. D's" house.

That's when I bust into the "Clean Up"...LOUDLY!

Just because she's a guest doesn't mean making and LEAVING a mess is "included" in the visit.

He's old enough to do some basic picking up, and she should have the common sense & manners to know that the toys aren't going pick themselves up.

You could find some songs about "teamwork" or "cleaning up" & start singing when it's time to clean up. Or just say to him "okay, it's time to start picking up our mess. Let's all work together to help clean it up."

I am pretty lighthearted and carefree and most of the time I just ask that people tell me there is a problem before they get mad. It sounds like you have a child that can help the other child learn how to pick up toys. This may backfire if it is not handled right so maybe you can just ask the toddler to help pick up the toys and the mother will help. Maybe it is not so much as being rude as it is just not seeing the problem.

I'm like you ... I would never leave a mess of someone else's house, however "prevention is always better than cure". Since this particular mom/kid combo don't have the same sensitivity or upbringing, I would prepare for their visit by packing out of reach most of the books and toys. In fact, I would even go as far as making some rooms "no go areas" and only leave out a few things for the kids to play with under supervision. My experience has been that most moms are hypersensitive when they feel their mothering or their kids are being criticized - and she'd probably take it badly if you suddenly made an issue of the mess when all the other times you just cleaned up yourself! I hope my suggestion helps! Good luck! :)

Honestly if this is a friend I would say in casual manner next time she is over when her son begins pulling out things girl can you please help me put some of these things away because last time you guys left it took me 45 minutes to put everything away.

I do not think a actual sit down talk about her not cleaning up and her son tearing your house up is necessary. A casual in the moment comment sometimes works better and your friend will be less defensive and embarrassed.

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Honestly if this is a friend I would say in casual manner next time she is over when her son begins pulling out things girl can you please help me put some of these things away because last time you guys left it took me 45 minutes to put everything away.

I do not think a actual sit down talk about her not cleaning up and her son tearing your house up is necessary. A casual in the moment comment sometimes works better and your friend will be less defensive and embarrassed.

I doubt she means to be rude. She's mostly just thoughtless and probably so ready to get her very active toddler into the car that she's thinking only about how to get out the door etc. and not about the mess. But yes, it would be nice and much more thoughtful if she helped -- or rather if she taught her child to help. Next time I'd be prepared and have your own children sing the "clean up song" at least 15 minutes before departure and you and your kids turn it all into a game -- Do you know the song? A lot of preschools use it: "Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere, clean up, clean up, everybody do your share." Repeat as you and your kids pick up the letters etc. and tell the toddler, "Come on! We all help around here! See if you can pick up letters faster than Jimmy does it...Can you put the frog toy back in this box here before Sally puts the elephant in?" Etc. Make it a game. You will need to lead the way and prepare your kids beforehand a little. Don't get frustrated if the child doesn't quite know what to do for several visits. And remember, at this age, the child MIGHT be able to follow a single direction you give -- he or she isn't old enough to follow multi-step directions yet so don't expect too much.

Also, does the other mom usually depart by saying, "OK, time to go NOW" and leaving very quickly after that? If that's the case she may figure her child leaves places better (with less fuss) if he (or she?) leaves very quickly without any time to realize a departure's about to happen. That's how some kids are. And that may explain why she herself doesn't offer to help either,if she wants to make a quick departure to prevent "I don't want to go, mom" meltdown. But if that's how she usually scoops up the baby and leaves fast, you may need to start the clean-up game in plenty of time to get cleaning up done!

Finally, remember the results won't be perfect. If the kid, at this age, puts away one or two toys, even in the "wrong" boxes, or puts four letters back on the fridge while taking two back down, he's doing OK. He's still very young and just getting the idea. But yes, you do need to lead the way. And if the mom is really a friend...she'll get it.

I would teach your child the clean up song/game and start cleaning up at the end of the visit and encourage her kid to join in.

yes, it's rude. next time they look like they are getting ready to leave, talk to the one year old and in a super positive tone with a smile on your face, reach for his hand and either sing the clean up song, or just say happily, "yay now we get to pick up toys! are you going to help me big guy!?" and show him how. he won't know unless he's taught. and if mom's not going to, at least you will start a habit of him helping clean up YOUR place before he leaves. who knows...maybe she'll take the hint. (ps, also in our house we try to implement the, put something away before getting something new out, rule. if you see him going for the fifth mess in a row, stop him then, and get him to help you clean something up. if you clean as you go then there's less mess when it's time to leave.)

I think some people just don't think about it. It does seem rude, though, I doubt she's meaning to be rude. We always clean up when we've been to someone else's house unless they tell us not to. But she should at least be offering. Maybe you could sing the "clean up" song before they leave and see if the mom takes a hint;-)

Yes. That is very rude! Next time they are over play the "clean up song" & cheerfully invite the toddler to clean up with you. If she doesn't join you say "come on mommy!". If she still doesn't get the idea then only put out a couple of things next time & save yourself the headache!

You can expect anything you want, at 2 the child should have already been taught not to touch things in someone elses home. I taught my kids very early that when we went to someone elses house they were to sit with ,me me/dad until they were told other wise by the person whom we were visiting, our kids were taught not to ask for anything to eat or drin k but if offered they could say yes, it;s not hard to teach children how to respect someone's home, people loved our kids. I think what you should start doing is like before she gets ready to leave say Ok lets clean up now, I think it's wrong to allow your child to make a mess at someones house and not make them clean it up, 2 year olds know how to put toys away, I have a 17 mon th old in my daycare and he is really good at cleaning up and putting toys away. The magnets on the frige, the clild should n ot even be in the kitchen. if you and this person are good friends just be open and honest. J.

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Forget offering, she should just do it. I won't call her rude though. I would think she was rude if you told it bothers you and she ignored you. You should limit the amount of toys and things the child has access to and have out only things that won't make a huge mess.

Ya, it's a bit rude that she doesn't clean up (or even OFFER to), but I would just chalk it up to : "She's tired. She cleans up all the time at home. This was her chance to be free and careless for a bit."

That said, why don't you try to engage the baby in cleaning up when you see that the visit is winding down? You know, sing the Barney song : "Clean up, clean up, EVERYBODY - everywhere" (with the emphasis on "everybody". lol

If she doesn't get the hint or is just inconsiderate in general (in which case, she will NEVER get the hint), then just downsize your visits.
IE: if she normally comes over 2 xs p. wk, then scale it down to 1.

Good luck, Mama!

Yes, I think it's rude too. I wouldn't ask her to help though. Grin and bear it :)

I would tell your kids to help them clean up before they leave. Some people need that extra reminder of what is rude behavior. You may want to forewarn your children so you don't get the mom this is BS look because they know whoever gets it out should clean it up. I had that happen once with my kids, oops.

I ask my guests with child of any kind of visit to please clean up before leaving and they usually respect and do it for/with me. I don't think it's rude. Just ask and you might be surprised. :)

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I ask my guests with child of any kind of visit to please clean up before leaving and they usually respect and do it for/with me. I don't think it's rude. Just ask and you might be surprised. :)

When I had toddler friends over - before they were to leave I would sing the "clean up song"

"clean up, clean up, everybody their share"....if they didn't clean up - they couldn't come back...I know - mean and rude - but hey - I've got a house to run and if you are going to HELP MAKE THE MESS - you can HELP CLEAN IT UP!!!

Don't be afraid to tell the mom this....it's TOTALLY rude of her to let her daughter make a mess and not do a darn thing about it!!

If I was the visitor, I would absolutely offer to clean up - in fact, no, I'd just DO it while we're talking/wrapping things up. I would never feel comfortable with my kids trashing someone's house. That's amazing that she would allow that, then just up and leave!

On the other hand, if I were you, I probably wouldn't feel comfortable asking her (which is another reason why her behavior is rude: it puts the host in an uncomfortable position of either having to spend the time cleaning or awkwardly asking you to do it) so I'd make it a game with the baby. "Ten second tidy time!! Let's go!!" and sing a silly song while we clean up TOGETHER. Social behaviors are LEARNED, not instinctual, so someone has to teach the little one how to clean up after himself. In addition, the mom will see (hopefully) that this is something you'd like the baby to be able to do and get the hint. If not, however, I'd continue the new "ten second tidy tradition" with him myself - make it a game: fast, fun, positive so cleaning isn't regarded in a negative way.

Good luck!

I'd take a different approach. I would not have a lot of stuff within reach. I learned this with my own four kids. Having little or no toys in the living room/family room/sitting room etc. is a good thing. It keeps that area clean and clutter-free. If my kids want to play they can bring some of their toys from the play room, or sometimes I just have a nice basket stashed under a table filled with toys in the sitting room, so that WHOEVER cleans it, it will be a breeze- just toss it back in the basket. Seeing our home, you wouldn't think I had 4 rowdy little girls... I have everything very strategically placed, and a lot of open clear spaces (I can't stand clutter) :)

...oh and I always make sure my kids or me (depending on their age) cleans up when we are at someone's house. I'm weird anyways, I like organizing and cleaning up! Oh, and almost 2 (and younger than that) is old enough to clean up!!

Hello, Not only is it rude for her to leave the mess for you to clean up, but also she should be teaching her child to clean up. When my kids were small and I had daycare children as well, I would "help" them to clean up. By the age of 18 months, they could do this on their own. Try going to the child and tell them you will help them clean up now. Make a game out of it and see who can pick up the toys the fastest. Hopefully, the mom will get the idea.
Good luck.
K. K.

Yes, it is rude. I teach my son that at the end of any play date of any kind that it's clean up time. Enforcing this you could do an every 30 min toy round up game ... essentially the kids, with parent supervision go thru the house and find all the toys. I often take one or two favorite toys and "hide" them ... put them some place they obviously do not belong. I think this will gently introduce the idea of "my house is not a trash heap and to clean up after yourself" ... by doing it at timely intervals the kids wil start to learn it's a game and cleaning can be fun.
Oh and I have the kids make piles and who ever gets the most gets a stamp on their hand where the others get a sticker. I find that once the mess is contained in one area it's easier to put everything away and direct the kids as to their formal location.

She probably doenst know any different. Ask her child to clean up, Mom will get the hint and probably do it.

I think it is rude not to clean up, but it is also rude to tell her. She is a guest. What I would do is clean up as he is moving on to a next set of toys. You may be able to make a comment, like "why don' you help me pick up these toys" to the little one. She may get the hint.

Someone did that to me .....once-and it never happened again.

i don't think that i've ever had anyone over or been to anyones house that we/i haven't at least offered to pick up. i normally tell people not to worry about helping (after they have started to pick up mess) because i have specific places that i put things.

Heck my kids helped me pick up and put stuff away by 17 mos. Before that I would always either clean up or offer to at my in-laws and friends' homes. Yes, I think she is being rude but probably doesn't know better....maybe start cleaning it up before she leaves next time and ask her to hand you a thing or two she is close to and hopefully she will take the hint and pitch in :)

I'm going to agree with Claire L. Maybe it's my generally introverted nature, but when it's time for company to go, it's time for them to go! It is not time to insist on cleaning up, risking a last minute tantrum from the child, and embarrassment for the mother, just to put a few toys away. I would rather do it once they are gone and I can do it the way I want to.

I would rather monitor how many toys are being brought out during the visit, to keep clean-up reasonable.