What Should I Do with a Marriage That Has Fallen Apart?

You need to seek help, find out where the nearest Womens Shelter is , do not that those threats lightly. It is a crime to destroy ones phone when trying to call authorities.

Updated

You need to seek help, find out where the nearest Womens Shelter is , do not that those threats lightly. It is a crime to destroy ones phone when trying to call authorities.

Updated

Seek help, so not that those threats lightly, find out where the nearest Womans Shelter is, go for counciling. it is a crime to destroy ones phone while trying to call authorities for help

I second many of the others. Call the police and get out of there. Now. You can always come to us for support, but find a friend, family member or the safe house. They've seen this before. I'm scared for you. Hang in there. ps--I'm in Boulder and have friends in Fort Collins. Drop me an email if you need help.

When I had my son (7 years ago, at 39, after working professionally for 15+ years) I was OVERWHELMED beyond belief. I had a ton more respect for moms worldwide! It certainly is the hardest job in the world: being a SAHM. There were times I hated my husband. Seriously hated him. I remember O. time (sleep deprived) yelling at him, quite seriously "You already slept an HOUR!" I was sure when he did help, he did everything wrong. It's the mama lion in us all.
However, several things about your post make me think this may be more in your case. It scares me that your husband BROKE the door down and SMASHED your cell phone. Also that he said he should "smash (your) head through the window but I wasn't worth it". That is verbally abusive. has he ever been abusive in the past verbally, emotionally or physically/ I'm scared for you and your safety. As well as the safety of your girls.
Only YOU know the temperament of your husband. If he is dangerous, please take steps to protect yourself and your daughters.
Do you feel that you may be depressed? If so, you need to talk to your doctor right away.
I'm sorry you are going through this. This could be a happy time. A new baby is always stressful--yet joyous at the same time. God bless.

At first, I was gonna answer to this part of your post:
"I know he goes to work during the day to provide for the family, but shouldn't he help when he comes home to give me a little break?"

My response to that might be...Sure, he can give you a break by holding the baby, reading to the toddler or giving baths...But since he has been at work all day and you want him to stay punched in when he gets home -- Well that means you stay punched in too. While he is helping with the kids, you are making dinner, etc. My husband and I don't get down time until the boys are asleep.

BUT...! Then your post took IMO a radical turn with:
"I got mad and he proceeded to break down the door that I had locked and smash my cell phone so that now I can't call anyone and then he took my daughter. He told me it was over and that he should smash my head through the window but I wasn't worth it. He told me not to call him, only call his lawyer and that I am not a fit mother."

And regardless of the provocation (nagging, locking him out of his home, preventing him access to his children...none of which are super awesome), his response was out of line, scary, detrimental to you, the children, and to himself. Either you are prepared to protect the kids or you will forget about this and go on. Until it happens again. And again.

Yea -- Kids are stressful but I guarantee that no matter how worn out, blue, or angry my husband and I might feel...Neither one of us would ever act in such a violent way. It is not normal and as I said again, I don't really believe that a reaction like this will only happen once.

Here is a list of CO womens shelters I found on the internet.
http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/women-shelters-Col...

This is the number for the crossraods safehouse...
24/7 HELPLINES:
###-###-####
1-888-541-SAFE (7233)
http://www.crossroadssafehouse.org/
I hope for the best for you and your children.

You need to call the police. In the State I live in which is Michigan grabbing someone's cell phone is against the law. He sounds abusive and I would bet that this isn't the first time he has been on the violent side with you. I was in an abusive relationship and I ended up working as a volunteer at our local Safe House/Domestic Violence Shelter (I did have to train for this) and I also worked the crisis line. It doesn't just go away or get better on it's own men that are violent continue to be violent and it does get worse. I really encourage you to call the police he sould not have taken your daughter especially when he is angry. They will also give you the number to the DVP in your area.
Kay

First of all, I am sorry you're going through this. At any time in life, a violent relationship is not okay, but especially when you're in such a fragile emotional state from recently giving birth, sleep deprivation and newly managing two children.

The situation you described with the door, the cell phone and the threat of physical harm to you is domestic violence. He threatened you and broke things and it's likely not going to be long before he hurts you again. I would advise you to call the police immediately and report the threats, the broken property and if he took your daughter somewhere in a car after having been drinking I would make sure they know that as well. A police report is extremely helpful in filing a restraining order and I think it's advisable you do that too. Let me be clear that since he threatened to hurt you, he will likely be arrested and it is in your long term best interest that happens TONIGHT. Unless you do something now this will only be a he said/she said scenario.

As for your husband not helping around the house, lying about his whereabouts, etc. I think that is all pretty secondary to what happened today. Abusive partners do not typically change on their own and their behavior not only affects you in long term ways, but your children as well. Your daughter is old enough to understand when something is very wrong and learns by the example you set.

Please do not allow yourself to live in chaos and fear. Get out now. File a report, call a lawyer, get a restraining order, take money from your bank account before he does, and do not be the one to give up your residence.

Good luck. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Sweetie, get out! It is only a matter of time before he does something worse than destroy property. Go home to mom, or a safe house, but get out. Did you ever see the JLo movie "Enough"? The quote that comes to mind is "you have a divine animal right to protect your life and the life of your children". This is not ok. Take care.

I think you are probably suffering some post-partum depression that you need to have treated. That said, your spouse is well across the line of acceptable behavior and just threatened your life (whether or not he was serious) and you need to call the police and file a report immediately.

Call the police-file a report. Violence and threats are NOT acceptable. If you make a report-then it is solid evidence you can use in your divorce proceedings. Do you honestly feel comfortable allowing your children to stay with someone that can lie to you and then react like that? Absolutely unacceptable. The courts will feel that way as well. Get online and look up your friends numbers and call from a payphone. Call your parents. Get in your car or a cab or whatever and go to their houses. Get his work involved-your bank-make sure he's not running with your child. Do something-but not just stay there and wonder if everything will be okay. I wish you the best of luck!

I don't want to preach to you because you will make the choices that you think you need to make. I do want to offer you support though. You are not crazy! It is alot to take care of a newborn and a toddler. My son had just turned three when I had my daughter and the first month was HELL and I had a lot of support. I would not do that first month over if I had to because it was so hard at times. It is so hard to be locked in the house with two kids all day, be sleep deprived, and no adult interaction. Also is there a neighbor that you can trust or talk to? Or family? Good luck!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this with a 10 day old infant!!! The truth is, you need to remove yourself from that situation! You're child will feel the emotions and although they don't understand, they will both be affected more than you ever know. You need to talk to a counselor alone, and then with him. If things aren't better and you still have a husband who lies while you're home being a mother to his children, end it!!! Life is short, and your girls with thank you!

A man who lies, breaks down your door, smashes your phone to isolate you, takes your child, and threatens to smash your head in is an abuser. This is not your imbalanced hormones or you feeling overwhelmed. This is domestic violence. Go to a neighbor, use the phone, and call your local women's shelter. Listen to what they tell you, and follow the directions they give you.

Consider carefully calling the police and reporting a domestic incident. That way, they will come and get pictures of the broken door and smashed phone, and if this goes further there will be an official record to work from. If he still has your child, consider reporting a kidnapping as well. He cannot legally deny you access to your daughter. If you wonder whether you should do these things, ask the advocate at the women's shelter.

Also go to the bank (get a ride if you can't drive yourself), pull out half of whatever is in your joint accounts, and start your own bank account without his name. If he is serious about the "call my lawyer" line, you're going to need money.

Good luck.

Normally I would say let things settle down, but once I got to the point where he became violent (breaking the door, smashing the cell phone) or even threatening, I though -- you need to get out of there! It has nothing to do with whether he understands you or not. HIs behavior is unacceptable and nobody should have to live with that. It's also dangerous for you and your children. If you don't have family nearby then find a shelter (another poster listed some resources). Make sure it is some place that you will be safe. Then call a lawyer. Cover your bases - it wouldn't hurt to file a police report as well, so you have documentation of his violent behavior (a good leg to stand on in divorce proceedings, and custody).

First i have to tell you that I feel a lot if this as well with my man and I only have one baby 5 months old. I actually never planned to be a mommy and have been a career woman my whole life. So I can understand how you feel.

Next I have to tell you that maybe you guys should sit down and talk for real. Have an adult conversation where you both take turns telling each other how you feel. It wasn't right for him to do any of the things that he did. But maybe he has a reason he did them. I'm not saying that any reason he gives would be acceptable for that kind of behavior, but I believe that all couples who have children should give a relationship a real chance. Maybe you need to seek marriage counseling. If you want it to work these are my suggestions.

The one thing I want to say personally is how my guy and I deal. Sometimes you really need to walk a mile in anothers shoes. Try to imagine what his day is like. Then coming home to complaints and crying and needy children. He needs to do the same thing for you. You both need some me time. Time where you can get away from the children for just a bit each week.

GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!!! This man is the crazy one, you just had a baby for goodness sake! Get the hell out of there talk to family, friends, churches..etc...for help. This will soon pass and you can make a way better life for your daughters. They deserve this and so do you!!!

PLEASE find a women's shelter and let them help you. This is not good for you and your children. You will be ok. Let them help you. Get out, and don't go back. For the children's sake, if not for yourself. Yes, these are the formative years, but it will be much worse for them to live in this atmosphere than for you to have to go to work at some point. Also, he will need to provide you with some financial support. Don't overthink it, just leave. It will all be ok in the end, just get out of this abusive relationship, and don't look back, no matter what kind of apologies you may get from him. You are in a vulnerable position now, with a newborn, and it isn't fair, but it you must get into survival mode and leave. Good luck. I will be thinking of you and hoping for your safety and well-being.

I hope you made a report to the police, that's for starters. If your husband is really this out of control and is being violent and threating in front of the children it is quite possible that he will escalate further!

I say run for your life! A man that treats his wife like this right after birthing a new baby (for sure) is a complete loser.
By all means get help getting the other child back from him whatever it takes. I feel your pain and wish you the best

This situation has gotten out of control. I think you need to get your daughters out of it. If you don't have a telephone, take your girls, go to a neighbor's house, call a taxi from there - yes, it costs money but you need one right now - and ask the driver to take you to the local women's shelter, or even the police station. From there you'll be able to call relatives or whoever you are able to contact. The main idea is for your babies to be in a safe place. When they're safe, you can seek counseling for yourself. Parenthood brings a lot of stress (and is certainly overwhelming at times!). Sometimes it's hard to remember to be the adult. But the violence is unacceptable.

What your husband did was a felony. I know, I've been there. Not a misdemeanor, a felony. I can't believe you have to deal with this with a n infant and a toddler. You need to get some immediate help. First of all, can you move in with family? Friends? You also need to file a police report and I'm hoping the evidence is all still there. You also need to get to your doctor and get some help for the postpartum depression. Everyone goes through it to one extent or another and with the stress you are currently undergoing, you will most likely get it worse. Your husband is NOT a husband, he's an abusive nasty jerk whose treating you like you're nothing. Please, please leave and get some help for you and those wonderful babies.

I am so sorry that you are going through this!!! You should not have to deal with this, and your husband's violent behavior, alone! It's hard enough coping with a newborn, a toddler and all the fluctuating hormones when you have a supportive husband! I couldn't imagine having to deal with that when your husband is behaving in an abusive manner and is not supporting you in any way!! I agree with the other women that you need to get help and I recommend calling a shelter or your local police dept. where they should have Victim's Advocates that have resources for you (they can also provide you with a phone!). This is serious enough to warrant outside help!!!! Be strong and know that you and your precious girls are worth it and deserve to be safe!! Take the necessary steps to ensure that! I am praying for you and your girls. Feel free to email me if you need to talk.

Your husband is wrong. He should be helping and there is no excuse for him to lie to you. Do not put any of the blame of this on yourself. If you can get him to go to counseling maybe that would help him see things more clearly, but he sounds very violent and controlling, and you may want to pack up your children and head to a relatives or friends house for your own safety. If the marriage is over, you need to get a good lawyer if he is claiming you are unfit because that could mean he is going for custody (in most states the mother is usually given custody unless she is proven to be unfit). Start preparing now for any questions that may come up concerning your parenting. If he has your daughter call the police, tell them what happened. The smashed door and verbal threat are proof of his state of mind and he should not be alone with a toddler in that state. Go to a neighbors house and dial 911.

Get out and go to a shelter NOW!

Your post actually gave me a belly ache. So what happened since this event? I'm worried for you and your children who should never have to see anything like this in their little lives. I hope you took some action to get away from him and have your daughter(s) back.

I agree with the other responses. You need to get out of this and take care of yourself and your daughters. It is natural to be overwhelmed in your situation, but your "husband's" response is completely unacceptable. He's abusing you and the kids. This is not some problem "in your head"!

I agree with all the posters that you need to file a report and get out. Violence is never ok no matter how you might have acted towards him... he is just not there for you and as a husband that IS his job. Especially now with 2 small kids....
I am responding more to tell you, you are not alone. I had a baby when my oldest was 16 months and it is HARD! You are up all night and then you have to be up all day for the toddler! I too stay home and you can't nap like you did with the first baby. The only thing that got me through was my husband. Doing it without his support wasn't an option for me! He had to step up and he did without complaint. Sure there are things I wish he could have done or knew to do without asking, but he is a man and those kinds of things don't always just come to them naturally. I breastfed, so he couldn't help at night all that much and he did work during the day, but when he came home he took over with the toddler and gave me a chance to breath. He also helped tons in the morning before he left for work. Hang in there!!! I wish I could say it gets better (because it does) but if it is without your husband you have a long road ahead. However don't fear doing it alone. The safety of your kids is #1. You don't want them to grow up thinking it is ok to be treated like this. What would you tell your daughter to do if she was going through this???
Good luck sweetie!

I haven't read all the answers, but I just want to reiterate that this is classic behavior in a violent relationship and smashing your phone to keep you from reaching out suggests (as I'm sure you know) that the situation is getting more severe and more dangerous. No one deserves being treated like this--please contact a domestic violence shelter--email them--and they will be able to help in more concrete ways when you're ready to get help.

first i want you to get some post pardum help. then you get one your feet and take care of those babies. use that strong love for them to defeat your obstacles! There are many in worse situations then you and they make so become a surviour statistic! Show your daughters what being a strong woman is about, show them how a mother handles her business no matter what stands in her way! I wish you all the luck in the world and you and your girls are in my prayers!

You have to be separate from him, at least for now, for your safety and that of your girls. His violence is a threat to you and you must keep yourself and the girls safe. Please find a place to stay - whether that is with a friend or if need be, in a safe house. You are not going crazy. He is lying to you, refusing to help, and being violent: these things indicate real problems. I would hope there is a chance at his/ your finding professional help, but what you've said is serious enough that I really hope you take action NOW. I would also find out about a restraining order given what he's already done - the phone, the door, threats, etc. I feel awful for what you must be going through but please, please go before anything worse happens.

Good Grief Girl! Do you have a friend or a family member you can go to? You need to leave this man immediately. He is dangerous and you and your kids, and none of you should around him!!!!! I agree with you, staying home with your kids is what we all want but you would never forgive yourself if something happened to them because you stayed with a violent man. Get out! This is not normal or ok!

I fear for you and your small children and "yes" having a toddler and a newborn is more than overwhelming. Every day you can feel like you are losing it. You are having very normal feelings, but your husband is not normal. You need to protect those precious little people God gave you and find a place to go.

Good luck! I really hope you are ok.

In my opinion, you are totally normal for feeling overwhelmed. Sleep deprivation alone can make you crazy. I suggest you read "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. Even if you don't like her radio show, I promise you will get a lot out of this book because is full of practical and sound advise on life, marriage and your own self-image. It gave me the biggest boost when I was feeling like I couldn't do it all. Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job I will ever do, but like you, I know that being home for my kids is most important at this time while they are young. I too left a career and haven't looked back. I have a seven year old and a 2 year old. They are both girls. My marriage has it's ups and downs and I think that is just life! Best Wishes to you, J.

Is this normal behavior form your husband? Has he smashed or broken down stuff before? If no then call a counselor before you call the police. Obviously if he has been physical or abusive before then get out! Woman have so much on their plate especially after just having a baby. Our hormones are crazy & we are sleep deprived. We have so many demands on us & we woman freak out when we really want to handle it ALL but just can't. Then you throw a man in the mix & well lets just say most can't handle any change & they also freak out at the added new responsibility. I am NOT condoning his behavior, I am merely giving you advice from my own experience with a husband that freaks out at anything new & anything he is afraid to handle or doesnt know how to handle. Our 3 biggest fights were after the birth of our 3 children. I wish I went on zoloft after my pregnancies, but I thought I was super woman. Then I found out my friends were all on it & that's why they could let go of things (tolerate) so much more. Do you have ay support like family, church, neighbors? We woman need to ask for help from other woman & NOT rely on our husbands. It will, almost every time, backfire on us if we have to rely on them instead of anothe woman. So do you have a 12 yr old neighbor that can come & keep your toddler busy for a couple hours, pay her $5 an hour & let her play with her, make her PB&J, give her a bath, etc. Otherwise if you really do feel unsafe please get out immediately.

You are not to blame for this. I have a 10 day old also but I don't have a toddler at all. I have 4 older children and a supportive husband and I feel at my wits end also with depression etc. Having a toddler makes it harder...You've got a lot on your shoulders and your husband should be sympathetic and helpful to say the least. You are not going crazy. You are sleep deprived and hormonal... you're hubby needs to be your rock! Not causing more stress for you. I don't know what kind of a man he is but I'd talk to him and tell him how you feel. He threatened you and was out of control so you may just need time away from him. He shouldn't take your daughter and use her against you. I'm thinking that you need to talk to your attorney and get counseling. I hope things work out between you and I wish you the best.

When my 1st child was born there was alot of stress in our house as well. It was a difficult adustment. We were always fighting about something. Now when I look back on that time I probably was not myself. but at the time I did not realize it.
I think its hard for women who stay at home or work. Actually I think staying at home if probably the hardest. I think if We stay home and sort of lose our identities as our own person. We become stressed out and overwhelmed. If we work outside the home we are stressed out and overwhelmed. And at times feeling like we are attempting to pull off the impossible. It's hard for us either way.
for men all they have to do is work and pay the bills. Not saying that is easy but they don't have the added stress of dealing with the kids because we all know it usually falls on the mother.
As for the husband, threats are uncalled for. Has he spoken to you in this way before. If so, don't allow it to continue and don't ever make excuses for it because if you do it will be come normal to you. Let him know you are not his door mat and you will not tolorate the threats. Stand up for yourself. Let him know that he can contact your lawyer as well. If it comes to it, don't leave your home. He is the one who has to get out because technically that place belongs to the children. I'm sure he will be your daughter home soon enough. He has to work and someone has to take care of her. I'm sure after a day he will be ready to retrun her.
Hopefully you can work things out.

I have a 19 mo old and a 4 mo old, and let me just say that the transition from one to two kids is TOUGH... a LOT tougher than I expected it to be!! I will also say though, HANG IN THERE... after about 6 weeks when the younger baby gets bigger and starts sleeping a bit longer and such it does get MUCH EASIER! I had a few melt downs (i believe 3 in my first two weeks of being a mom of two) in which I sobbed to my husband that it was SO HARD and that I felt like I was never cut out to be a mom of two! But, with time, it gets a little easier, you grow to handle the new challenge, and you get used to it. Thankfully when I would cry to my husband he would tell me I was wrong and that I was a good mother, he has never ever told me I was a horrible mother, so I can't even imagine how you must feel right now.

I am so sorry about what is going on with your husband - what a terrifying experience to go through... I for one, would never tolerate that sort of violent behavior from my husband. I don't know precisely what I would do in your situation, but I can say that your man definitely has some issues he needs to work on... instigated or not, he should not ever be lashing out in such a violent way! Be careful and think about your daughters here...you might think he would never hurt them, but if he would act in such a way, can you ever be certain? Living in fear of your husband's unpredictable and violent behavior is not an okay way to live. You must have been terrified when it happened, and terrified that it will happen again even if you manage to work thing out. You might feel that you can handle living in fear, but can you imagine your daughters living in the same fear every day? Sometimes we accept things that should not be acceptable for ourselves, but its harder to accept those things for our children too.

As far as expecting him to help when he gets home, I don't think you are being unreasonable, but try to think about it from his side too... In my family I stay at home with our two boys while my husband works full time to support us and goes to school full time to finish his degree. I do have hard days some times (and every once in a while a day where he gets home and I say "TAKE THEM, I NED A BREAK TONIGHT!!!") I do expect him to help out when he gets home, but I try not to throw ALL OF EVERYTHING on his shoulders, because he is working SO HARD during the day that he needs his at home time to be a break from his hard day, so that he can regenerate and get back out there the next day. I expect him to help with diaper changes when he is home, and help to put the kids to bed and to entertain my toddler while I make dinner for us, but really I don't usually expect more than that. It is very hard being a stay at home mom, we do A LOT, and little children seem to take an infinite amount of patience sometimes and push our buttons all day. It can be easy to "unload" all the stresses of the day on your husband when he walks in the door, but if we do that, it will make him not want to ccome home to us at night and not look forward to it. He is out of the home working all day every day to support his family...it is our job to take care of our homes and our children as best as we can to make it a happy, welcome, and loving place that he want to support and protect with everything he has! If we make it a drag to come home to by nagging, fighting over stupid things, and acting like we are the only one doing a hard job to support our family, he will not enjoy coming home at the end fo the day, and he will start doing as your husband did and find excuses not to. I am NOT IN ANY WAY condoning his behavior, since I would have also been VERY upset and hurt if my husband felt he needed to lie to me in order to take some time for himself, for two reasons - one, that he lied, and two, that I had been treating him in such a way that he felt he needed to lie just to take some alone time with his buddies. I would be really examining my behavior that made him feel he needed to lie in order to avoid me. The Lie itself would be somethign that would have to be worked out - I expect full honesty from my husband, which is what I give to him, and because of that we trust each other fully...one lie would be all it would take to shatter that trust. That would be a large thing to work through for us.

I just read your post again to my husband, to see what he thought, and honestly in the second reading of it I noticed something really disturbing...you are stating so matter of factly what your husband did to you just TODAY and you are asking for advice not for what to do now that your husband treated you like that, but for how to handle adding a new baby to the family and not being a nag (which is why I answered those questions first). It seems to me that your husband's violent behavior is a normal occurence to you... maybe this last one was larger than usual, but I can tell by your post that you don't seem shocked by it. This is NOT ACCEPTABLE behavior. I grew up with a dad who is a wonderful guy, but he does loose control of himself every once in a while in anger after having his buttons pushed the wrong way. Usually he never hit us or my mom, but he would throw dishes, break doors, smash things, and once I pushed him so far when I was around 16 that he freaked out and literally dragged me up the stairs to my room by my hair, and hit me quite a few times. I was being a brat, but I did not deserve that. He was very very sorry for it afterwards (days after) and honestly I LOVE my dad and wouldn't trade him for anything, as these episodes were very (years in between them) infrequent and that episode when I was 16 was the worst one and the only time it ever escalated that far, but I swore after that that I would NEVER EVER tolerate that behavior from my own spouse. Losing control when you are angry is not ever okay and no one ever does anything that they don't greatly regret later. Being in a physically and mentally abusive relationship is not okay, its not normal, and its not healthy for your children to grow up in either. If i were you I would realy examine the type of realtionship you wanted vs. the relationship you have, and the things that you have done that could have caused it, as well as the things that he has done that are not acceptable. And really just think about your daughters and the women you want them to grow up to be, and the veiw of men that you want them to have, as well as the veiw of women that you want them to have. Would you feel okay if your daughters grew up and got themselves in a similar situation as you are in now? What would you tell them if they came to you and told you that their husband had just done to them what your has just done to you? Woudl you tell them to forgive him and try to win him back? Or would you tell them they needed to leave and find a better, more gentle man to raise their children with? Also do you want them to grow up and watch their mother be permissive with unacceptable behavior from men, and in turn accept that same behavior themselves as women and mothers? These are tough questions to answer, but you need to think of the future of your children and what is best in the long run, not just what is easiest in the short term. Choosing what is ultimately best for you and for your children is a difficult thing because it is often very difficult in the short term, but its always worth it and you are strong and have what it takes to make that decision and stick with it, regardless of what it may mean.