Ok, so my fiance and I have been together for 7 1/2 years! Things were good in the beginning and I got preggos withing a year of us dating. Well as time went on we started falling out of love with one another. not showing each other the love and respect we each deserved and pretty much being mean to one another. Well in September of 2008 i suggested he move out because things were really bad and we were not getting along. Well he was fine with it which took me back becuase he did not put up any fight whats so ever to stay! Well the following week a girlfriend of mine called and asked me did he have a girlfirend already. I was like IDK but it wouldn't surprise me. She stated that she had seen him at Taco Bell with some girl making out in the car. I called him immediatly and asked him what he was doing and he told me he was at Taco Bell....I told him he needs to get to the house immediatly and get his stuff out of here. He came home and did just that...I just sat on the couch and cried! I mean I was ok with him moving out but not ok that he was moving out becuase of another female! Well after he left I felt like my world fell apart! I missed work over it and cried constantly! I had never felt so hurt and betryed in my life! Well, we continued to talk and about a month later he came home and said he could not live without me in his life and that he still loved me more than anything. I told him when he came back that if it ever happened again I would be gone! So for the next 10 months, things were great! It was like we were back to our old selves when we first got together. he asked me to marry him and we set a date! Things we fabulous. Well in August of this year I found out I was pregnatnt! Def caught me off guard as we were not going to have any more children! But what do you? You deal with it right! Well about a week after me finding out I was preggos, I find out that he has been having conversations for the previous month or so with the same female from before! Him telling her that he misses her and wants to see her but she told him that she did not think it was a good idea! (thank goodness one of them had sense) I confronted him and of course he denied it and said it was nothing! I was like whatever and moved on! Well since then especially Oct-current I have found out that he is talking to about 4 females total! I would normally not have a problem and I do not know what the conversations are about but when he is texting a couple of them 7-800 times a month and talking to them through text from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed I get really suspicious! If I look in his phone to see what is going on the only texts you see are from me and I only text him 2-300 times per month! Well a couple nights ago, I looked in his phone in the deleted text messages and found texts like, good morning beautiful, smootches (from her) and all kind of inappropriate texts (nothing sexual but two of the girls work with him and I don't think that beautiful and smootches is something you would tell a co-worker, at least I wouldn't). I also found out that he has another email address i had no idea about and he sends photos to that email often! The reason i did not leave in August is beucase I do not have the money to make it on my own and I do not have any family I would be able to go and stay with and I had just found out I was preggos and he boo hoo cried and begged me not to go! He puts on his facebook all these random things so called professing his love for me and things like no matter how much he has changed his life he still gets blamed for things that happened in the past! I was like if those things didn't continue to happen then you would not get blammed for them! Basically my question is what should I do? Should I leave ( I will have the money come Feb when I get my income tax return) or should I stay? It has become so hard for me to trust him that anything and everything he says to me I question! I just don't know if its worth it and with me being preggos and due in March I am at a loss! I love him so much and it breaks my heart knowing the things he is doing.....thanks for listening and offering advice!
LEAVE!!! He had a chance to change and didn't. This is not a healthy environment to raise children in!!
I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again as he has proven that he isn't trustworthy. No matter how much I loved him, I would know that staying in a relationship with no trust isn't healthy. You don't sound happy. You are always wondering what he is doing and who he's texting/talking to. If I had the money and was able to do so, I'd run.
Sorry to hear that you have to go through all of this and everyone has their own opinion...So in saying that you have to make the decision of whether or not YOU want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you want to continue to love and honor a man that has no honor for you? My husband and I have been together for approxiately 17 years and it has not been perfect, but we do work together to make each other happy. Basically if you talk to each other and remember to treat each other the way you want to be treated it does make it ALOT easier. How would he feel if all you did was talk to 3-4 different men all the time or if he mentioned something you did that hurt him a while back. That is what has worked for us, but nothing will ever be perfect...just alot easier when you have the same respect for each other.
This is really really sad and you have my sympathy! I would protect yourself, do not have sex with this guy anymore and get yourself tested! He is loosely dangerous and with your unborn child at ridk you can't ever be "too careful". If you make ammends get him tested all the way!!! You are young and you can leave and have a new life if you want too, he will be the one who is sorry!
Ahhhh!!! He will always cheat on you and hurt you and your children in the future! They will get attached to him and he will leave them and you for another woman. If the kids matter to him he can have them on this nights and weekends. I would leave. I know it's hard and scary but there is help out there. Research your help options FIRST - PLAN THIS.....don't just leave. He's been doing things behind your back so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Work this girl!! Make copies of his checks to prove his income - forward those texts to your phone or a computer and print/save them for court. FL is no fault but at least you'll have something to remind you what a POS he really is.
Good luck - but I feel you CAN find someone even with 3 kids who is decent to you and who won't cheat. There are men out there like that. Your kids are so young.
Only my opinion - you still have to do what's right for you. Just make sure you research your help so your not on your own out there because seriously, how could you afford daycare and everything for 3 kids (before/after school care - just about to have a baby and need to stay home). UGH!! Men are such losers!
NO one can tell you what to do. You have to do what is in your heart. But remember this: Once a man cheats he will cheat again....Once a cheater always a cheater...
Sounds as if you have been living w/ Tiger Woods- get out, get it over w/, is this the father wou want for your children?
k
You know what to do. I'll be hard but worth it in the long run. You don't deserve to be played. Your children will catch on and think that's the the way man treat woman and your little girl will learn to accept that behavior from men. Don't teach them that by your actions. Be a role model of what morals to live by. Your a strong, bright woman. Don't be afraid.
your kids need stability....there are enough screwed up kids in this world don't let your kids be screwed up too....do whatever is necessary & ALWAYS go with your gut feeling....be the best mom you can be
You are only 25 years old and you are getting yourself stuck in a rutt over a man that has been cheating on you since the first time you got pregnant. I'm not going to waste time talking about what you should have done (like tying your tubes if you really didn't want anymore children). Anyway, here's what I want you to think about: do you have worth and value?, do you respect yourself? Do you love yourself?, what values do you have set for your life? Where do you see yourself next year?, Is your love life headed in a positive direction, you obviously are not the only woman in his life, maybe the only one with children. You apparently have lived your life around his. He says he can't live without you because he probably can't afford it either. What kind of atmosphere are you creating in the home for your children? He hasn't contributed to happiness in your life and he's not setting a good example of how a man should treat a woman for your boys to see. Get out of your situation before you become a depressed lonely woman that's gets no where in life. Start figuring out a plan now! Plan to move to wherever your family is so they can help you with the kids. Plan what you want to do with your career. Go back to school partime. Change your future, your destiny, you are not experiencing true love. He's using you because he knows you will take him back. It's woman like you that allow men to continue to act like boys and not take responsiblity for their actions. Be wise girl and grow up. It's time to make wise choices like a woman. It will be hard but this too shall pass!
I'm a little late, but I wanted you to also think about this: You NEVER feel the need to invade the privacy of others (ie look in a person's phone, wallet, or e-mail) when you have trust in that person. If you cannot trust the person you are most intimate with, there is no chance for peace and stability. You will need both (we all do!) and so will your children. I am sorry you are going through this. What a cad to do this especially while you are pregnant - no consideration for your situation, and that is very bad. You and the babies should be his top priority but you are not. I wish you the best of luck. Make sure you have a support system in place - you will need it especially as your due date nears.
J., I'm so sorry for the pain. I think you have to think about the best interest of you and your kids. Regardless if you do leave him, you should build up an emergency fund so that you have the option of having the choice. Also, remember that if you do leave him that you will be entitled to child support and that should help you with the financial burden of single mom. I think you should think about what kind of example you what your boys to have for being a good father and husband and what you want your daughter to look for in those same roles and that if he is not able to meet your expectation that maybe it's time to sever the relationship. While that's never easy, it's also not easy to be committed to a relationship with someone knowing they are physically/emotionally cheating on you. Stay strong and do what you know is right for you and your children...but don't be martyr just so your kids can have a dad live with them. Sometimes when we ask questions like this we already know the answer and are just looking for people to affirm that we are justified in our actions.
J.,
I think this man's not going to change his cheating ways. You caught him and he is trying to pretend he is sorry and has changed, but the fact that he has a hidden email address and text messages he's hiding, shows what he truly is: a cheating dog. He actually has gotten worse, whereas he only had 1 girl he'd talk to, now it's about 4. He probably thinks he can keep you around as long as he hides his trail and gets you pregnant and depending on him. He just wants to have his cake and eat it. Why is it okay for him to quickly move on and then come back crying for you? Because you keep forgiving him. He moved on within days back then because he was keeping in touch with other females, females he was more than friends with. The way I see it, if you have to talk to members of the opposite sex BEHIND your partner's back, there's some form of cheating going on: whether sexual or emotional. He never introduced you to these women, so he wants to pretend he is single to the world, get his action, and then come home to you for free cooking and laundry and cleaning. I know having gotten pregnant again will make it harder to leave and support yourself, but considering that he may be bringing home STDs and who knows what else, I'd rather leave if I were in your shoes. I also find it odd to become engaged to someone for so long and not marry, this may be part of the reason as well -- he wants to have the benefits of a marriage without the responsibilities and commitment of one. He is a player and he's only going to get worse. Start saving up, look for a roommate that you can split rent with, and get out. Open your eyes to the fact that he is using you and knows he can get away with it because you are always there to take him back. The fact that other girl had to say it wasn't a good idea to see him tells you everything, he still wants to mess around and she was the one to put the brakes on it. Is this what you want? A man who has no self-control and doesn't want to put an end to his flings? It shouldn't be that girl telling him no, he should be telling HER no and ending the affectionate communication if he really loves you and wants to change, but he has no reason to change because you put up with it and I doubt that there's any reason in the world for him to ever stop unless the women do it for him unwillingly as he loves the attention he's getting, and perhaps the no-strings-attached, risky, adventurous sex. You don't need the stress and worry in your life, especially when pregnant. Do you want to question everything he says for the rest of your life? That's what awaits you if you keep taking him back and turning a blind eye. Once you have saved up enough to not put up with his ways, give him back his ring and get out! In the meantime, if you care about your child, don't have sex with him, as he can transmit an STD to your unborn child. Please consider birth control until you find the right man to have children with (hint: it's clearly NOT this guy). Good luck, be strong!
make a plan on how to leave and follow it through. he is a cheater.
get rid of him and start over...Better to be heartbroken now and get it over with, rather than live a life of always wondering when the other shoe is going to drop...You're young and of course, deserve better...20 something men are usually not really ready for the kind of commitment you need..
I usually don't respond to relationship questions like these. But, if you reread what you wrote and pretend it was someone else who wrote it, you'll (hopefully) see the right thing to do. He basically emotionally blackmails you with the crying and posting on FB while he is doing his own thing behind your back. Please. You deserve more and if you don't believe that, please know that your children need more. Do you honestly think things will get any better with a new baby in the house? Please take care of yourself and your children.
There comes a time when you have to quit hoping, and thinking things will get better or be different. He wants you to be there, and he wants to be available to others too. This is not going to change, because his actions prove this. You have three children to think about, and as they get older it will only get harder for you to continually be lied to, and try to hold on to someone you love that only loves himself. I have been there, and wish I had been stronger much, much earlier. If you have to stay until February to have enough money, then in the meantime prepare yourself by having everything in place. Do not, do not listen to his whining, and if you have to, shut it all out, and stay with your plan. You will be better off in the long run, and so will your children. Protect them, and yourself from this type of relationship that will keep you always going from highs & hope to despair & depression. You deserve better, and I wish you the best. This will not be easy!
J., If you stay with this man, this will be your life from now on - even if you are married. Most likely, he will stay with you until he finds the 'love of his life' and then he will probably be married to her in a matter of weeks. You are comfortable and he is able to see his children while he is with you. But what is best for your children? What are your twin sons learning from this man? How will they treat the women in their lives? If he has no respect for you (as he shows in his actions), will they also learn to disrespect you? Your children (and you) deserve better than this. Don't lose anymore of your precious life with this man. Get out as fast as you can. There are plenty of programs out there for single mothers that will help you get on your own. Seven years is enough time to waste on a creep like this - don't lose an hour more of your life on him. Get on your own - get your life straitened out. If he 'really' wants to come back, make sure he has changed (6 mos. at least) before you let him back into your children's lives. And then only if he will marry you BEFORE he comes back into your home. Please run, don't walk, to the nearest exit....
First, I would worry about getting yourself together. I would immediately start to think about how you can provide for yourself and your children without him. If you do not have family or friends to help you, then you need to figure out what you need to do to be able to help yourself. You might need to take a step backward in order to move forward. Going back to school, having to seek aid from your state, or even staying with him FOR NOW only to get the financial support you need (althouh I don't recommend it). You need to do what is best for you and your kids. I can't tell you to leave him or not, only you can make that decision. I know this is cliche but he seems to want to have his cake and eat it too...and he may never change. Not saying that he can't change but you need to be prepared for life without him regardless. There is help out there for single moms and I suggest you take advantage of it until you are able to stand on your own two feet. I wish you all the best and please feel free to email me if you need to talk.
Dear J.,
Honey-you have already answered your own question. You can NOT trust him; and imagine of life time of distrust... Think hard and maybe serously pray for a quick answer and once you make your final decision-stick with it! I think you deserve better and better is always good for the children. But it is your heart & your life, just think about the near future and what Your own dreams are! God bless you..
Sincerely,
Kathy N. You will be in my prayers!
