What Should I Do? - Justin, TX

I just wanted to respond to Allison...How RUDE of you!!!! You think she's obsessing? About a child? Wow. When it comes to children, I think they deserve nothing less than obsessing over their well being.

I applaud AM for trying to find the child & wanting what's best for the child.

The child deserves a history. Regardless of what type of relationship evolves...knowing where you came from is important. My husband is adopted and he found and met his birth parents when he became an adult and it really helped to fill in some holes and gaps in his life. Knowing them did not change his relationship with the parents who raised him. Think of all the medical and genetic history that may be helpful to this little guy later on.
That being said...I agree with Sharon...This could be Pandora'a Box. Seek a professional who is going to look at this from the Best thing for the Child approach. But you can't know if you don't ask...Seek the Truth!

Good Luck,
Brave Loving Mother!
Marianne

I suggest you think this through very carefully, and even talk with a counselor about this situation. You may be opening "Pandora's Box" with this one. If they left on bad terms, it could throw your whole family into a tailspin that you wished you had never brought to light. Yes, if this boy is his, and he may be missing out, but think about your own children and marriage first. They must come first before anyone else. Again, just for your own psychological well being, and also to let it go, go see a couselor. Sometimes just talking with a person not involved, but knows the consequences can be very helpful. Good luck.

Just leave the situation alone. I would be devastated if my ex-husband popped back into my son's life after never knowing him.. If she wanted him involved she would contact him. Please take this advice and leave it alone. Sometimes it is so much better to have your own life without custody arrangemets or having to consult someone for every decision. You do not know her life and what she has told the child about "dad." There are just so many ways you will complicate their life if you get involved..I seriously hope you leave it be!!!!

Everyone is going to have their opinion in this situation. I disagree that you should butt. You are his wife and that makes his situation yours as well.

I agree with the pp who said what a great woman you are! To put this child first and be concerned about his welfare is very noble.

Here is a different way of thinking for you: If you have not spoken with your husband about his feelings, how do you know what they are? Obviously he wanted to know if this child was his so much that he forked over $1000 dollars and saved emails to prove he did his part. How do you know that he just hasnt said anything because he is putting your feelings first and maybe he thinks you would be hurt by him opening this subject?

I personally would be concerned for this child. From what you have described with the mother's behavior, she seems a bit immature. I would want to know if the child was his to give him a positive role model. It would be sad to find out years later and all of that time to have been lost.

And what is the worst that could happen? I dont know, maybe she is a witch and gives you guys hell. Be prepared for that. Maybe you find out that he isnt his child, well then you will not think "ummm" all of your life and you will have closure.

JMO! Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I wouldn't tell him. It's his decision to make (or hers and the child). Like the other person said, you could be totally wrong and have started something that isn't real (the other person she cheated on him with could have looked like your husband) and cause more hurt. They had their chance before you were in the picture to decide what they wanted and it's done. I would leave it alone unless he brings it up on his own without coercion.

If he's kept the notes, etc. to protect from legal stuff, it sounds like he's put that behind him. Besides, just looking alike does not guarantee paternity.

My view is that biology doesn't make a parent. If this child is 4, and already has a dad, to swoop in to his life now would be incredibly disruptive. It would be disruptive even if he doesn't have a dad. And...your husband may be a wonderful father, but clearly the other woman does not want him in her/their life after all this time of no contact. To force her to do so would also bring another layer of chaos to this child's life.

The notion that he's missing out on something assumes that he's missing anything at all. And whether she's the model parent or not is irrelevant. There are lots of so-so parents out there; we don't just jump in and 'help' each of them with our wonderful parenting skills. This woman made it clear that she doesn't want him in their lives, and he made a pretty clear statement by not going to family court to push the issue (which he could have easily done). His is not, at the end of the day, that child's father, regardless of what the DNA may say.

I think you'd do best to leave well enough alone. You're playing with a child's emotional safety and well-being, and while you're doing it for good reasons (wanting to share a wonderful father with him) the likely drawbacks will outweight the benefits.

And, I think you should spend some time thinking about why you've carried this obsession with you so long.

I think very highly of you for wanting to do the right thing, by thinking of this little boy first. It's sad, but most women in your situation would keep quiet about it because they wouldn't want it to inconveince their life. I think you have very good moral charachter! There is a reason God put this on your heart.

Who cares if your DH's ex is a drama queen? This kid still needs a dad, so I agree....you must tell your husband. :-)

This is a tough one...while most of us would agree with you about your husband and his parenting capabilities, you can't really force a relationship on two unwilling people. I'm sure either you or your husband's ex think about this weekly, if not daily.
It's their problem (for lack of a better term) and it's not your place to butt in.
It's sad and I understand your curiosity, but why open your husband up to more devestation and drama if this woman isn't ready to take him on as this child's father. After all...it's completely up to her as to who she allows to father this child.
Another thing to consider...if she refused any type of paternity testing she may have secrets as to who this child's father really is. It could be that you're seeing things that just aren't really there (like simularities in your children).
At the end of the day when it's all said and done, there's really nothing you or your husband can do (short of a really long legal battle) but wait and see.
I would tell your husband to hang on to those reciepts and such just in case he has a knock at his door in a few years though. He may have some explaining to do to a grown man someday but I think even then he'll have covered all his basis.
It's only natural for you to want your husband to know his children and be happy, but you forget you're also dealing with the ex...and you just can't control other people.

Hello~

I read your updated response. Isn't it weird how things like that work~yall had both thought about it and done the same things but just hadn't discussed it with the other for whatever reason.

Anyways, if there is a possibility that that boy is your husbands son then yes...your husband has a right to him. It doesn't matter what this other woman thinks...take it to court and get a paternity test and if that son belongs to him he has a right just like the mom does to that child. What happens in divorce~both parents (assuming the situation is good) get rights to that child. Same for this.

I think yall should try to pursue it. Not only for him being the possible father but that child also has siblings that deserve a chance to get to know him.

Just my thought.

First of all I amend you for what you did. Most women wouldn't want to do this for thier husband. You were so sweety.

I've not been in your shoes but I do have a granddaugher that has no idea who her dad is because of my daughter/ and this guy has about the same kind of situation as your husband had.
it sad..

I think a child should know who thier dad or mom is in case something comes up in health wise and they need to know

Not only is this child missing out but your dh is missing out too.
I think your dh will love you that much more knowing what you done for him.
If he doesn't want to get involved with the child are you ready to face that? For that could happened. Yet on the other hand your dh will love you for doing this.

If the women was not good is she a good mom? No one knows and if not maybe with your dh finding this out and if you are ready to tke responsiblity for this child it could be a big help to the little one.

Whatever the outcome is I wish the best for you and your dh

Hi!
If it was my husband I know that I would show him the picture right away. My husband and I have a relationship where it would be most appropriate to show him. The way I look at it is that who really cares what the parents of this little boy want, it's what the son wants. If you were him would you want to know your dad? Of course. Especially if he was a great guy. It is not fair to the child to not know his father because the people who at one point got together and created him, now don't like each other. It is so painful to a child to not know their dad. If he doesn't have a father he is probably wondering where's my dad? And what's wrong with me that is making him not want to be with me? If my husband potentially had a child and didn't want to know about it or do anything about it, I would make him feel so guilty he'd end up crying over the situation and then kicking his own butt because he felt so bad. Not that your husband would do this. I am just saying that if you both think that this boy looks just like your daughter then I feel that it is his duty to contact the mother. Whether he likes her or not. Of course this is just my opinion. It is too painful for a child to not know their parent. And let me tell you these words of wisdom. The truth ALWAYS comes out! Whether the boy will be 40 years old or 25 years old. Somehow, someway, the truth comes out. So does your husband want to meet him when he is 60 or 80? (Obviously assuming that this is his son) My aunt's mother tried to hide the truth from her about my aunt's real dad (saying that this one man was her dad when it really was my grandfather) and sure enough the truth came out when my aunt was 29 years old that the man she thought was her father really wasn't. Her sister told her the truth and my aunt was devastated. She met my grandpa and now has a great relationship with all of us but, what a lie!! No one would want that done to them! THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES OUT! I promise. The story about my aunt is just one example. I could tell many more. Show it to your husband and I really do applaud him for trying to find out years ago. He sounds like a great man!

I think you are totally normal for doing what you are doing. I would have looked her up too and in my opinion, I would tell my husband. Look, if your relationship is very sturdy and solid with your husband, I see no reason why you can't talk about it. People tend to judge other peoples actions and put up a lot of "talk" about what you should or shouldn't do about a situation. Bottom line, if they were in your shoes, I'm certain they would do exactly what you are doing.

HI! I am kind of in this situation. Or have been. If your husband has already initiated getting this resolved in the past then I do not think he will be upset with you at all. Honest answer, honey my curiosity got the best of me, I pulled her up on myspace and looked at pictured of her son. I think you need to try to persue the paternity route again. He does not want to miss it either, it is probably something that bothers him also. Drama will pan out in the end. Me and Josh have been together 5 years in November. Haylee is 4 and Kaeden (his youngest son) is 2 1/2 months younger than Haylee. So we went through all this. Haylee and Kaeden are inseprable, and I don't know what I would have done all these years without my little Kaeden Ray. Also, Josh and I seperated for 6 months, he dated a girl, she was pregnant after they split, and now he cna't get in touch with her at all to find out if that was his child or not. But we are still trying, it does not matter who the mother is, what matters is that the children in this world have lots of love. if you and your husband have love to give to this child, that is more than likely a missing part of your family then go for it. in the end the child would have resentment towards your husband, not his mother, so i say go for it. tell your husband the truth of how you feel, and i betcha you will find out he feels the same things and wants to know for sure. Let us know how it goes!!

AM,

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel and what you discovered through you research. I don't think this is something you can avoid. Best of luck!

I am glad to see your "what happened" turned out well. I did not respond before (because I just checked my email), but I was going to tell you that I bet your husband has been wondering about it as well. Turns out he was! I do not think that you are "obsessing" over nothing, I would be wondering the very same thing if I was you. It was not fair of the mother not to go through with the paternity test in the beginning, not fair to your husband or the child. With that being said it is a very sticky situation because you don't want to "interrupt" the child's life by making it harder, but also you don't know if it is an interruption at all (maybe he/she needs her/his father). My brother was conceived with a married man over 18 years ago (after my parents were divorced) my mother told the father that she did not want to interfere with their his family (anymore than she obviously did by sleeping with a married man)so she did not want him to support my brother. The man agreed and his wife knows about my brother, but their children do not. The man and my mother made an agreement that he did not have to be a part of his life unless Randy (my brother) asked about him and wanted to meet him. Long story short, I think maybe you should offer the same to the mother of your husbands "child". Let her know that you want to and are willing to meet him/her but you do not want to interfere, provided the child has a paternity test. (The child does not need to know what the test is for)I hope this all makes sense. Good luck!

Hi. I have actually been right where you are except it involved a little girl. When I thought I knew my husband was the father of his ex girlfriends little girl it tore me up. When I finally decided to tell him, he told me he didn't want anything to do with it. As in your story she cheated on him and wasn't sure who the father was. They were about to get a paternity test when I came in the picture and she decided not to. All I can say is follow your insticts. If he hasn't tried to contact her or have anything to do with her, then maybe he really doesn't want to know. I wish you all the luck!!

A proud momma of two precious girls, 9 and 4.

I would tell your husband. You know your husband best, so how to tell him, only you can answer. Maybe show him the picture when you tell him. You said everything in your question as to why you should tell him, the real question is why would you NOT tell him?