Non Supportive Father

Hi M.
I sympathize with you and all I can say is go to Family services and file for child support NOW, don't give him any options! You may not want his money but the money is for support of HIS son. You need to look at it that way, he is not doing you any favors by paying child support, whether he is involved or not he still is obligated to provide support for a child he helped make! I am very passionate about low life fathers as I have 2 of them! :) Make him pay for his mistakes literally!
I know I know I sound totally bitter, but it's the truth! Why should we be the ones who provide EVERYTHING?

You are young and will need financial help raising that child. If he is the father - verify paternity and file for child support. Don't care if he gets mad at you for it, because he will. This is a selfish man who assumed the worst of you, then later wanted in on a fulfilling life, yet without any committment whatsoever. You need to move on. Forget him. You will find someone else who will father his child and be a wonderful example to JT. Loving advice: In the future, be protective of who you give yourself to sexually. Try hard to wait until marriage. You will never regret it. You deserve the best, and so does JT.

I agree. That was a harsh comment. Just because your baby is not planned doesnt mean you dont deserve your baby...geez people. Anyways I think you should go for child support, chances are if hes not taking the chance to be a dad now he wont if hes legally able to. Men need to be responsible for their children even if its legally inforced, which is sad. Your doing what you can do by raising your son by yourself, dont let him think its ok to have kids and he doesnt have any responsibilty, maybe next time he will think twice!

Hi M.! Congratulations on being the mom of a beautiful baby boy.

Where Mike is concerned, he needs to man up and be a dad. We don't get the choice of being parents only when we are financially able! I would tell him either to be a Dad or stay out of the picture. A child needs stability and routine, he does not need a "parent" in his life when it is convenient for that "parent"!

I wish you and that sweet boy all the best!

So this is Mike's 5th child? What is his involvement with the other 4? That should give you a pretty good bearing on what kind of dad he would be to JT. I can tell by your post that you only want the best for JT -- and going just off the information in a paragraph makes it hard to give any advice.

That being said, if Mike is still in the stages of "getting his live in order and becoming financially stable" and he already has 4, now 5 children, chances are you'll be waiting a very long time for that to happen. It will only be harder on JT if he starts to form a relationship with Mike then Mike pulls back. Hard on you too. You need to set clear boundaries now, and stick to them. If that means getting full legal custody now, you may have to take that step.

Good luck in school, you can do it!!

M., first of all congrats on your precious little man. secondly i want to say that all the advice in the world won't make your decision for you- you have to do that. BUT i will tell you, realistically, it is doubtful at this point that this man will magically become father of the year. you need to do everything in your power to protect that little boy and do what's best for him - make sure that you get child support for him. it's NOT for you, it's for JT. you owe it to him. you need to just go by the books on this and get everything in writing. hire a lawyer if you need to, there agencies and organizations that can help - google it. it's really hard especially if you still have lingering feelings for his father, but you can't take any chances. i know SO many women who have gotten pregnant by (i'm assuming older?) men with multiple previous children, and i'm sorry, but by that time a man should know what to do with a baby. he doesn't get to plead ignorance - i highly doubt this is a naive teenager you're dealing with. hold him accountable. it will benefit your son and that's all you need to know. GOOD LUCK. you have a hard road ahead of you but you can do it.

Contact an attorney, so your legal rights and the child's well being are taken care of first. Then file for child support. All you have to do is fill out the paperwork and the county/state do all the necessary paperwork for the legal responsibility of the father. You might not need the money but take the money you do get and put it into a savings account for your son.
Your son's father has had plenty of "time" to think about things if he has 4 kids already. That's a cop out and he needs to grow up. So file the paperwork if he wants to have any part of your child's life or have him sign off on his rights and make him go away. Good luck.

Raising your son by yourself is hard enough so I wouldn't borrow trouble by putting up with your son's birth father. You become a parent the moment you get pregnant and it sounds like he would like to "act" like a parent only when it's CONVENIENT FOR HIM. If he was sincere than he'd already be supporting you and your son (and there are several ways of doing that besides just financially). Growing up with a father who just shows up on occasion is a lot harder to deal with than growing up without one around at all. Either way your child will have to face feelings of rejection and make a choice throughout his life about how he will deal with that issue. Children really do NEED both a mother and father but it sounds like in your particular situation that this is not possible. If you can cut ties with him now than it gives you more opportunity to move onto another fulfilling relationship.

My mom and dad got married when I was three. My dad then adopted me and my folks have been married for over 30+ years now. Truly, actions do speak louder than words and he's not showing that he is really serious about being a part of you or your son's life for the long haul. Keep praying for strength and wisdom and God will direct your path. And, congrats on your baby boy...children are a blessing from God!!

It doesnt sound to me like Mike is the kind of man that you want in your son's life. He needs someone that is going to be there all the time and love him no matter what. I Hope that you have family of your own to support you in this time that you are adjusting to new motherhood and going back to school I would tell Mike to get his own life in order before he tries to involve himself in your sons' life.BUT...I wouldnt hold out much hope...look at the track record that he has already established...5 children and he is STILL trying to get things in order...how much time does he need?? A bad father can be much much worse than no father at all. Is Mike involved in his other childrens lives?? You can take a lesson from the way he treats them. The physical act of fathering a child doesn't make a man a good father...it is really hard to give you advice with just a limited amount of knowledge about your situation. Do you have trusted older people in your life that you can go to for advice?? A pastor?? A teacher?? You need a neutral third party who knows more about your situation to give you some good solid advice.
Good luck!! And always put the welfare of that precious baby of yours first!!! I applaud you for going back to school...and for being concerned about doing what is best for your little boy.

Sadly, you can not force the man to be a good dad. It sounds to me though like he could be manipulating you. Maybe he's holding out promise like a carrot on a string just to keep you hoping things will get better so you don't get mad and file for child support. I know you say you don't care about his money. But he probably doesn't really trust that.

I do feel for guys sometimes. They don't really know if they are the fathers or not because a lot of woman doe lie. And yet, they should keep it zipped up or be prepared to ask for a paternity test. Your child needs a full-time father if he is going to get one. If not, I agree with your feeling that maybe you should try to get him to sign over his rights. No father would be better than a wishy washy one or a manipulator.

Hang in there :) A lot of us have started out as single mothers and you'll do ok. I wish I knew how to motivate this guy one way or the other.

Suzi

Hi M., first of all you are so young to be dealing with these types of issues in your life. Have you had a paternity test done? That would clear up any doubts about whether he is the father or not. And if he doesn't want to be invloved in the child's life after test have proven that he is the father, then you must move on with your lfe. He will be the one missing out. I know you are so very young, now with 2 children, you just have to be strong and do what you think is best for you and your kids. Although the financial responsibility is very much needed in raising children, that is not the only responsibility that a parent has to a child. I commend you on planning to go back to school, take care of you and yours, don't give maybe want to be a daddy another thought. Good Luck to you M.. Come back if you need to vent, that's what we are her far right moms!!

M.,

Ok, Here's my 2 cents... I was 18 when my son was born. I was in the same situation when I found out I was pregnant. I would talk back and forth to my son's father and try to get him to decide if he wanted to be a parent or not... then after so long I was finished. I started the process of going after him for child support when my son was born, but since I made too much and didn't qualify for state aid I had to hire a lawyer on my own. Which treated me like it was my fault that I was in the situation and to just deal with it. After hundreds & hundreds of dollars and no results. I decided to abandon the "crusade".

Let me tell you this... I have never once said a cross word about my son's father to him or in front of him. If his dad shows up or calls and we aren't busy he is more than welcome to talk to him or meet him at my mom's house (our common place) to spend some time with him. Now, at the age of 10 my son is forming his own opinon about his father. Sadly it's not a very good one. I have seen a real change in his dad's actions though because he is now trying because he knows he isn't needed.

So to sum this all up. You go ahead with your life and raise your son to the best of your ability! I put myself through school and worked full time for the first years of my son's life (with the help of a wonderful support system). My son is now 10 and I have a wonderful career and have started school again to obtain another degree. My son is the happiest, most kind, caring kid you could ever meet and it pleases me to know that I did it on my own and without a man that thought the world was on his schedule.

PS. also make sure to keep positive male role models in his life (ie. your father, brother, cousins, friends) any man that is willing to be there for your son and grow a bond. A woman can't teach a boy to be a man no matter how hard they try.

please feel free to contact me if you like!!!

You know, he doesn't get to take his time and decide if he wants to be the dad or not. You don't have to wait for that answer. If you don't really need his financial support, you have the hammer. You two don't have to have a personal relationship, but either he's in or he's out as far as being the father. You decided to keep your child, he needs to decide what he's going to do. More often than not, I think, babies are surprises, whether we're married or not. And then a decision has to be made. Do I keep this baby or put him up for adoption? Of course, it's a decison that will affect him for the rest of his life, but that's life. Give him a deadline, and then act on it. You are giving him the freedom to wallow around figure out what's going to work out best for HIM. He needs to think about what's best for his son. And that may be to step out of the picture. You are being more than kind. It's time for him to grow up and take responsibility for this decision and live with it.

I'd say talk to a family lawyer or legal aid--it's not about the money to punish him, it's about the fact that expenses are his responsibility along with yours no matter how you two feel about each other. Releasing him from financial responsibility does not make you stronger; it hinders you and more importantly, JT, when expenses get bigger and can produce more hardship than what you need to bear alone. Please talk to a professional who can give you all the correct facts. It might be a royal pain to proceed in that direction, but it's worth it in the long run. :)

You don't mention how old this man (and i use that term loosely) is. It sounds as though he hasn't grown up, and if he has four kids and hasn't grown up yet, he probably never will. Or, maybe he is older, and just not willing to put in the work of another 18 years. Either way, tread careful. It's this little boy who will be yanked around in the end. And as for him waiting to be financially stable and have his life in order? Please, there are so many ways to be a good father without having a lot of money, and if he was good for anything, this baby would be his life!

M.,

I'm not sure that Mike is ready to be the kind of father that you want for your son. He hasn't been supportive enough of you, in my opinion, to have earned the right to have a place in your son's life. Maybe the best thing is to get full custody, since you do not want child support from him. Later, if he manages to get his life together and you son is old enough to help decide what role he wants his biological father to play in his life then he can earn a spot in your inner circle. Honestly he may never be in a financial position or emotionally ready to be a father to your son.

Best wishes,

J.

Before either of you can do anything, a paternity test will have to be done to determine he is the father. Before you can try to take his rights away, or before child supprt is ordered etc... Is he listed as the father on the BC, or does JT have his last name? I honestly wouldn't push him to do anything, but maybe pay child support. But know if he pays child support, he can then get rights to visitation. I would be worried if this guy is going to be stable in your child's life, or just in and out as he pleases, because that's not good! I've been in and still am in your situation. My 2yr olds "father" left why I was pregnant, and I finally left him at the hospital after having our son. I haven't regretted it since, as he threatend to many times why I was pregnant to take my son, that's why he isn't on the BC and my son has my name. He hasn't been involved, don't hear from him, and that's how I want it for my son's safety. My oldest son's Dad is involved 100% he sees our son every weekend, and whenever else he wants, and pays child support etc.... It honeslty just depends on this guy, and how much you want him involved, and how much good versus how much he won't do in the child's life... Does that make sense? Just be smart about things to protect yourself and your child mostly. Best of Luck!

You are a wonderful strong mom! I admire you!
I don't know what to tell you, but if he makes the decision to NOT be a part of JT's life, I would have him do something...
Have him write him a letter. Or at least an information sheet...his name (even without a last name), his age when JT was born, why he wasn't involved in his life (ie. I just wasn't ready/couldn't afford it/whatever), whether or not he'll accept contact in the future, a FULL medical history of him and his parents if available (and ask him to keep you updated on any changes there! It can be crucial if any medical issues arise in JT's future.)
There will undoubtably come a day when JT will want answers about his father and you'll be ready. (This is coming from someone who was adopted and has no info about birth parents).
If Mike decided he DOES want contact...make sure he understands that coming and going and "disappearing" from a child's life and then coming back again can be VERY destructive...so he HAS to have a serious commitment to JT.
Best to you! You're doing great!

First and foremost think of the child. Would having this man, who clearly doesn't know what to do, in his life be beneficial? Do you want to have him in your child's life being that the father is wishy-washy about being a father. Who's to say that he wouldn't bail the minute it wasn't convenient to be a father. I say take a good look at the person and at your son's needs. You must put your son's welfare first in this. Good luck

You are the only person that can make the decision because you will see your child live with the results of it.

I can offer my 2 cents. If he walked away from you once, what is to keep him from walking away from your child. Do you want your child to have to deal with the emotional devestation? I've seen my nephew live with that and all the issues it caused.

hi M....you are definitely in a rough position and i understand how you feel. my husband and i are no longer together and he rarely sees his son. we talk just about every day, but he only sees him, maybe, once a week. it makes it hard for me cuz i want the best for my child even though i definitely don't mind having him all the time. he does pay child support...and in kansas--whether they pay or not, they have every right to see their child. as some other responses say, it does sound as though he has done this before and is beating around the bush to not pay child support. he knows all the tricks. think about JT and what would be best for him. don't worry about Mike or yourself...it's about JT now. Mike can pay child support and never see his kid if that is what he chooses...or he could NOT pay and see him...or both. i would fight for child support. even if you "don't need it" it will definitely help in JT's life in the future. and remember...just because he pays doesn't mean he has rights to see him. that's the kansas law!! trust me...i just went through this a year ago with my ex-husband! most lawyers are free for the first visit and at least you can get some ideas on what you should or shouldn't do. that's what i did at first and he helped out tremendously!! good luck to you and i truly wish you the best with that pride and joy of yours!!!

Okay, step outside the box and review the whole picture, i can see you asking once and the answer he gave was enough to say I am moving on and do so. He will be your anchore pulling you down.
What kind of life is that with someone who is unsure of himself and your son. I say cut off communications now and get on with your life. You will be fine.

M., I did not read the other responses because I did not want to have my thoughts altered in any way. I thought I should just tell you what to expect, or what you might have coming your way.

I was 19 when my son was born and his "dad" told me he was not ready to be a father yet. I accepted that as an answer. I thought is would be easier for me and my sone to just let him walk out of our lives.

If I could change things, I would. Looking back on it I should not have made that decision for my son. He lived his whole life knowing that the man who created him never once called, never knew if he was alive or dead, did not care. When he asked me why he never cared, what could I say. The truth was so hurtful and a lie would not have helped. I told him that some men never grow up and that I thought we were better off with out him. He has grown up with a pain that I have never been able to make go away. I dont care how much love you give him, how many wonderful people are in his life, it still hurts. I married a wonderful man when he was 4 and he adotped him. They love each other, but he is not a replacement for knowing that his real dad never wanted him.

The truth is, he does not get to choose to be a father. You get to choose if you want him there or not. My son and I did without because money was so tight. It would have been nice to have something from him, for 18 years we got nothing. Money does not equal love, but a check every month is a start to taking on responsiblity for a child.

You have a long road ahead of you. Be careful, choose wisely. Child support should not be something he gets to choose, he made that baby with you. He may not be checking on him, or showing that he cares, so that he is never asked for support. Out of sight out of mind, maybe.

Make him stand up and do what is right. Give you son the best chance he can have. Financially you may never be able to count on him, but a little bit here and there is better than nothing.

I am proud of you. You have made some good choices. I am very proud of you!

Oh Honey!!! You dont need a man like that in your life. You will find strength inside you that you ddnt know that you had and you can raise that boy on your own, the last thing you need is Mike causing stress on your life or wandering in and out of JTs life. Do you see your parents? Your father can be a male role model for JT or a brother, or close friend. You will find in life all you really have in life to depend on is yourself and your family. I wish all the best and hope you get other words of encouragement!!

M.,

Receiving support for your son from his father is something that you should do! If you don't need or want the money to use to help care for him now, put it into a savings account for JT. There is a chance that this man will never want to be actively involved in his son's life, but that should not absolve him from his financial responsibility. As long as he is willing to provide the help do your son a favor and accept it. I can not believe at 21 that you really couldn't use the help! Accepting his money in no way makes you beholden to him for anything.

Also keep in mind that donating the genes to help create a child does not make you a parent! There are some situations where a child is actually better off not being involved with one of the parents.

Accept the money - do it legally - find out the paternity of JT and get it documented. By the time this man makes up his mind your child could be grown, but JT will never be able to say that you didn't do everything YOU could.

Good Luck and congratulations on moving forward on building a life for you and your son!

N.

Good Luck!

N.

First of all if this man is much older than you, he is using his past experience to keep you in limbo. You said at the begining that he has 4 other children, and if my expereince is similar to yours, he is trying to avoid child support enforcement coming after him. I have been a single mom for 8+ years, I have seen what my sister goes through with her children's father, and I don't understand why mothers say they don't want the support money. The father, Mike is not obligated to you, he is obligated to his child. Your child will benefit from the added support. Mike made his choice when he left you and his son, but he cannot avoid responsibility for his and your actions. From my experience, I DO NOT NEED the money my son's father sends me, but it helps. I was able to start a savings fund for college, sign him up for sports, and next year he will be playing two instruments. The additional support is not for me, it is for the betterment of our child. My son's father has played games with quitting his job, trying to extend the visits, and playing the guilt game. It is not peaches n' cream, but with God I get through. I even prayed about taking my son's father off of child support, due to the father's constant complaints about the support. I prayed for a while. God said "No." There has to be a level of accountability.

I know you are trying to be sure your son JT has a dad and so want to impress on father that he does not have to pay. it's admirable of you to be so generous. but he is the dad. he owes child support. if he can't pay now, this will accrue. also, I mean no disrespect to him, but how do you know for sure he cannot pay? a legal process would confirm. furthermore in some states his wages can be garnished for child support that JT frankly deserves to have. if father insists on paternity test, so be it> Irealize lawyers are very expensive, but for sake of your son and also frankly you and your future (you are young! so much promise!) this is my two cents. take or leave it. if you ahve doubts, might want to consult someone you respect..your pastor, a family friend, an aunt?

If I were you i'd let him go and live your life with your son.He has proven that he doesn't want to be a father and a child can't wait till one is ready to.Don't except from him keep documentaion on when he call's comes over etc. and if it is everday you have to write in a journal that no call today or visit let that be I know it'll be hard to do but what if he comes back to say he want's to parent this child and takes you to court for custody or something serious yuu need something to back you up.I haven't been in any leagal action myself but I do hear that you need documentation.Your a young lady and for a so called man to leave the mother of his child is wrong he could of done better than that,he has 4 kids I don't know how old he is or his children but was there some clue he was a no good father.Good Luck let him go and there is someone else who would love you and your son.Sahm of 2 and 1 more on the way

Being a parent takes a whole lot more then contributing DNA. If he really does want to be a parent, then he needs to put forth the effort, not just give you lip servous about the possibility that he might want to be involved. It sounds like you have already laid it out on the line for him and have recognized that there is no relationship that is ever going to exist between the two of you. GOOD FOR YOU! Stick with it. Give him a deadline and tell him exactly what you expect from him if he wants to be involved in the child's life. Don't rearrange your life for this looser or you and your son both will be miserable waiting for him to come around. I don't think that I would close the door completely but that doesn't mean that you can't move on with your life.

For JT's sake, I wouldn't do anything to discourage Mike from being involved in JT's life. However, I woudn't hold my breath waiting for Mike to step up. Do what you have to do to make a life for you and JT.

You have to remember when you feel sorry or empathy for this man that he has four children already. And he doesn't know if he wants to be a dad? There is a problem there and if he can be so detatched from your child now, when he has four other, then that is not going to change. From my own experience it this: Make him pay child support. It is not fair to your child for the two of you to go without or have to struggle or for you to have to rely on your parents or any of those things that could be. Do not exchange parenting with money. "If you be a parent, I won't make you pay child support" That is not a big enough motivator to do something as huge as be a parent. He will then only be in when he has to. This comes my second point: An absent father is better then a sometimes father. With a sometimes father, you wonder why they didn't want you and you know what you are missing. No matter what you do, this is going to be the hardest thing to go through then any other issue while he is growing up. And it is difficult in so many different ways. I would highly suggest a support group. If you can't find one, seek people out and make one. I have a friend who has been through all of this. She is older now and her son is 8. She could have used older women her her possition to prepare her and give her advice.

this is a site for advice so here's mine: Its understandable that Mike wants to be stable before he "starts being a father" but the fact is that he ALREADY is a dad. If you want him in TJ's life, with or without child support, that's your choice but keep in mind that not (at least) monetarily paying for your child, is not something a good parent does. Where there's a will, there's a way. In order to prove paternity, MO Medicaid will pay for a paternity test if you have Medicaid. If you don't have Medicaid, there are some websites that are accredited that do paternity testing-they send you a discreet kit for about $100. Hopefully you have a good support system, that will help. Good luck and just do what it good for you and your son.