Hi moms! I am married for 4 years and have a toddler. My marriage has many issues. The biggest issue is intimacy. My dh never intiates inticimacy. He always expects me to go to him. He never kisses or hugs me. At least not anymore. When i want to kiss him he rejects me. I have tried to talk to him, to explain him that i need to feel loved...but in vain. He is the same:( he gets MAD if don't initiate inticimacy. He askes me for some things that i am not so confortable with (like oral s).If i don't do it when he asks me he is angry and eithers explodes or gives me the silent treatment. This is a vicious circle: if i happen to refuse him, he gets mad and verbally abusive, his behaviour pushes me even further so the situation has become worse. What should i do?
I would strongly recommend counseling. If he refuses I would have to reconsider my commitment to the relationship since he clearly did not value me, my emotions, my needs, or my level of comfort.
Marriage counseling.
I think it sounds like you may have some issues with sex. Not that you're not good at it or interested in it but the way you put it, for oral sex, indicates you're not comfortable talking about sex and that may mean you don't like to do anything other than perhaps missionary or a small diversions from that.
I don't mean anything by that except maybe you do need to visit with someone that could help both of you address the issues about sex.
If he is waiting for you to start it he may feel that you don't like it and don't want to do it. He may be trying to be nice by not initiating it.
But he gets resentful that he's "not getting any" after he goes without for a while.
Many guys enjoy oral sex. It feels different than inside a woman from what I've been told. I don't enjoy oral sex either way that much but my husband loves it. Most men do. So he's normal and you are too.
It's all about wanting to do something for them that they enjoy a lot even though we don't really like it much. I don't like steak but hubby does so every now and then we have steak. I eat a baked potato with tons of sour cream and butter on it. To do this for my husband is a big deal for him. Not for me. Sometimes we have to give a lot to make things nice for someone else.
Talking to a sex therapist to address the intimacy issues in your marriage WILL help you to work through this. Your son needs both his parents. If the marriage is over you both need to know you did everything you could to save it if only so your son has the best chance he can to stay in his family and not have it torn to pieces.
It also helps to know that you opened up and addressed any issues you have held on to and that could influence you in future relationships. If you do have any issues with the act of intimacy it could be worked through and then you'll feel better.
If you don't have issues with it and just have no interest in doing anything but lay there and totally enjoy it all...lol, seriously, I don't like to work hard and get all sweaty...then that's okay if you're with someone that loves to do all the work.
It comes down to loving him again, after working through the issues and falling in love with him again. It can happen. It can also help you get ready to be on your own, working full time and supporting your child, dealing with child care, struggling to make ends meet, all the stuff that single mom's go through. If you even get custody of your child.
Talking to someone can help you get ready for the next stage of your life, either with hubby or without him.
And you married him, why?
Sorry I just don't get it. He sounds neither kind nor loving.
Is this an arranged marriage or something?
he needs help-clearly:
I see a lot of people suggesting marriage counseling. However, it sounds instead like your husband needs to see someone for himself, where he can talk through issues that he might have which lead him to take on a more controlling stance in your relationship.
Of course, we are only hearing one side of the story (yours) & there is only so much detail you can go into on a site like this, w/o the ability for other people to ask questions, etc.
My husband has issues with his anger (not expressed in the same way as your husband), & he is just now seeing someone. We went together for the first visit, but it is truly HIS issue... he needs to explore his thoughts/feelings & understand why he puts boundaries on things.
Your husband probably needs the same thing. However, it is very hard for other people to see the issues that appear so clear to us. He may not want to go at first.
But if/when he does, aside from the first appointment (& only if he is comfortable with that), you should allow him to go by himself, until it will be beneficial for you to be involved. It gives him a place of safety to be open & vulnerable with the counselor, & truly understand what is driving his actions.
Surprisingly, it is often experiences in early adolesence that can drive people to have a lack of 'limits' in their sexuality. So for example, being exposed to pornography at the age of 12-14, during a time when their hormones are driving their thoughts/emotions, may cause men to think that these behaviors are normal, as opposed to being exposed to it when they are 18-20, when their normal thought process can make the distinction between appropriate behaviors.
Ask your husband to consider counseling. Make it safe for him, & also consider seeing someone yourself to get help with your thoughts/feelings about what is going on.
Good luck. T.
Sounds like my ex.
Please consider whether this is a healthy relationship or an abusive one. There are tools on the site to help.
Best of luck.
Counseling or leave him. Someone who wants to force you to do something you don't want in the bedroom and becomes abusive about it is not someone you want to be around. I don't like to give blow jobs either (my husband sometimes gets one for his birthday) and we've talked about it.
Your husband has some intimacy issues, sounds like, as well as anger and control issues. Counseling is definitely warranted here, and if he won't go with you, go yourself.
