What Should I Do? - Wasco,CA

You say he's dated around.
Have you?
It's nice to have choices.
I think marrying this guy would be a mistake for you.
You need some better options.

make a list of the stuff he says.

make another list of the things he does.

see how many lines you can draw between them.

pay attention to what people do, not what they say.

khairete
S.

You say you that you feel like he is just saying things because you have been supporting him through his case. Trust your instincts. Go with your gut.

You haven't said a word about what you admire or trust or love about him. He's been in and our of your life so maybe you have a "young love" sort of fantasy about him. As soon as things got difficult (you got pregnant - YOU, not "we"), he bailed out on you. He broke up 2 years ago, and within 6 months was with you. So, he can't be alone? Over the past year and a half, he hasn't been able to stay faithful to you, and has been dating other women (not "girls," please - everyone's a grown-up here). Somewhere in there, he got into legal difficulty but now he wants you by his side, and you're agreeing to it. Do you think it helps his case to make it appear that he has a loyal woman by his side? So, is he using you?

You don't even say a word about whether he sees his son, supports him financially, is there for his medical and dental appointments, goes to teacher conferences, or does anything else. Perhaps he's too busy dating and getting arrested?

Why do you want to marry someone who has proven over the years that he's not loyal to you? Please get tested for sexually transmitted diseases (because you are "sleeping" with every woman he's dated), and get some incredibly reliable contraception in case you slip and sleep with him. If you do, be sure he wears a condom as well so you are protected against pregnancy as well as infection. But think about that. Why are you sleeping with someone who has made it clear that you're not his priority? He says he wants to marry you - but he doesn't.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He's a sexually promiscuous liar who has legal problems. You're going to be stuck with the bill for this, and he's not going to be able to support your son.

Get counseling to find out why you believe people who lie to your face.

You haven't written anything positive about the guy here. Even when he's dating you, he's with other women.

I wouldn't bother personally. That's me. Words don't mean anything - it's what people do that matters.

You deserve better, don't you think? (what would your mom and friends say - I'd go by their words of wisdom)

Trust your instinct. You are asking this question because you know the right answer in your gut.

Rely on someone’s actions... not words.

When people show you who they are, for God’s sake, BELIEVE THEM. How long are you willing to be a fool for him? Enough already!

Nope. You deserve someone who loves, respects and appreciates you for you. He sounds like a user. Personally, you need to love yourself as much if not more than him.

I'd say let this one go. Dating around and trouble with the law? No way. What has he ever done for you? Does he see and support his child? Don't agree to marriage. Time will tell if he truly feels the way he says, or if he is just using you and finds you convenient because you are helping him.

RUN away as fast as you can!! Your little voice is right!!

Love is not enough. It never will be. His repeated actions show that he is not the kind of person you should marry. Sometimes breaking your own heart and letting go is the best thing to do. End the romantic relationship - forever - and only interact as co-parents, the same as if you were already divorced. He has to support himself and his child. You do not support him any longer. You can't automatically stop yourself from loving him, but you can stop yourself from wasting any more time with him. Move on with your life.

Sounds like he has not been interested in being exclusive with you for a very long time if he is talking to other girls every time you guys date. I am not saying he is not worth a chance, people can change, but I would wait to get married until he has proven you are his one and only.

I would say NO WAY. I don't trust cheaters. But then that's me. What would you tell your best friend or daughter (if you had one) to do in this situation. If for some reason you do decide to stay with him I would make sure you go though a lot of couples counseling and have him to go individual counseling before I would even consider it make any type of commitment.

M. Scott Peck wrote that "Love is not a feeling. Love is as love does." Just because you feel affection for this guy and wish that the relationship could work out doesn't mean that it should work out. His actions show that there is no reason for you to think he will stick with you or any kind of a commitment, and he can't even stay out of the legal system. Your own gut instinct is telling you that he's probably just spinning another tale to you, as he has done before. If I were in your situation, I certainly wouldn't be thinking about marrying him; he hasn't even shown that he can commit to a relationship with you for more than a few months at a time. And as a few other posters asked, what does he do for your+his child? From everything you have said, there are far better people out there for you; put your energy into finding healthy, supportive relationships.

See how he treats you for a while not being married.

I am going to be blunt that is sounds like you were always there for a booty call if no one "better" was available. You should have been all he needed and wanted if he was really loving you the way a woman deserves to be loved.

At first maybe the behavior was because he was so young BUT you guys are in your twenties now and have a toddler/pre-schooler. Has he "fathered up" and provided support for your child? does he take his visitation? Is he involved in the day to day...feeding, changing diapers, playing with, bathing, putting to bed of your child? WAIT...does he have a job?? Is he bringing financial support into your family? (can he easily find a job with any criminal record he might or might not have post case and his educational level).

Being married is only part love it is also part money, family, sex, friends, and mostly the daily grind of life, the nitty gritty of living. If he is being supportive in emptying the dishwasher or doing dishes or running to the store for milk or diapers, or holding you after a rough day.

You can't live on love alone. Is there more than "love" here or is there a real two partnered relationship?? Good luck and hugs!!

welcome to mamapedia...J....

Tell me - what do you have in common other than a kid?
What do you love ABOUT him?
This doesn't sound like LOVE to me - it sounds like convenience - because YOU know him and what to expect. That's not love.

I don't hear HIM stating he loves you. WHY does he want to never leave again but not profess is love for you? Ask him what his goals in life are. How do you and a kid fit into those plans? Does he LOVE you??

I don't get this. You're young and really didn't learn from anything - this isn't love - this is convenience and comfort.

Get custody arranged.
Make a life for yourself. Show that you can take care of yourself on your own without a man in your life. He needs to be able to ADD to your life - and ADD to your happiness. Not just because he's comfortable and convenient. Do not confuse comfort and convenience for love.

Tell him to get a career and show that he is grown up and wants to provide for a family and BE THERE. Tell him to PROVE his love and not to stray.

Hi J.. As others have pointed out, you don’t really say much about what good qualities he has, although I’m assuming he has some. Think about what they are, and think about what sorts of things you would like to see in a life partner. I’m assuming you would want someone who can at least remain faithful and stay out of legal trouble, right?

Then, if you really want to give this a try, date him for at least a year before you decide whether to marry. That means you maintain separate homes, he visits regularly to help with his child, pays child support, and you two go out to dinner, the movies, family events, etc. If he can’t manage this well, then you will have your answer.