What Is Wrong with Him? Me? Us?

I'll trade ya! I have the exact opposite problem. Nothing in common, no sex life, but he cooks and cleans. You can pay a housekeeper and a cook, but you can't pay someone to talk to you and make love to you. :)
~A~

I think you are in a similar situation to a lot of people. It is very difficult. I don't know the full situation, and everyone's is different. My hubby works tons of hours, and I am at home, so I don't expect him to help with household things, so I can't offer advice on that. We did have a struggle with him spending time with the kids. I knew that he loved them, but by the time he came home from work, they have about an hour before bedtime to spend with him. He was coming home and turing on sports or other TV. We had a few chats and it did not improve. The we had a huge blowout and I was screaming. After that things really improved. A few weeks later, I was complimenting him on all he was doing with the kids, and he told me that one thing I said (well actually, screamed) was that "in 20 years, both the kids and him were going to regret that he did not spend more time with them". He said that it really sunk in, and that it was totally true. That was over 2 years ago, and he has been doing a spectacular job. I am not so sure that I would scream it at him, but add something similar to the discussion to open his eyes to it. Much like "Cat's in the Cradle" by Cat Stevens.

OK, you dont have to read books or go to a therapist. Simply sit down and talk about what you need help with. Ask for help. Simply say that you need x, y and z done withen a few days and could he help you. My hub needs a sticky note with 1, 2 and 3 on it. Men DO NOT think like women. They would live in disarray if they could. A little kind guidence goes a LOOONG way.

You are fortunate...good husband, good listener, good lover. Talk to him. tell him your needs....he will probably surprise you!!!

Good luck!
M:)

Ohh how I thought this was me writing this. lol I have been in this exact situation and all I can really tell you is..he's a grown man and you can't spend your life nagging him about it. As my husband told me when we fought about this "I already KNOW what I need to do. But I don't need another mother." Well, you can only imagine how huge the battle got then. But it also told me..he KNOWS he needs to be doing things, helping out around the house and with the kids. He just chooses NOT to because I he doesn't HAVE to. I've contemplated hiring someone to do the lawns and stuff but just can't bring myself to shell out that money when we don't have it and he should be doing it!! So I stopped cleaning the house, only doing mine and our 5 yr old's laundry, etc.. I don't know that it accomplished anything except making me crazy seeing such a mess all the time. But after contemplating leaving him (not just because of his lack of interest in doing anything ) and him realizing I was 100% serious, he has gotten better. I'm sorry but we are NOT the maid. Whether or not you work does not matter when it comes to men picking up after themselves.
all I can really say is I am sorry for you and I wished I had some better advice for you. At some point I hope he realizes he has to help you.

I think all marriages go through turmoil with needs not being met by the other spouse. Our natural tendancy and human nature is too look out for our own interests first and not really "hear" the needs of the other.

It took me and my husband going to the edge of the abyss and almost going through a divorce before we would each "really hear" what the other had to say and change our ways.

Here are some books that may help you:

First, if you could read "His Needs, Her Needs" together, at least the first half of the book - it should send home the message that needs not being met are the NUMBER ONE REASON why people have affairs/divorce. He needs to realize he can't live in pie-in-the-sky denial forever, and that eventually , all pie castles tumble. The second half of the book is all the worksheets, which we never did. We moved on to these books and it HIGHLY recommend both:

For him to read: "If He Only Knew -What no woman can Resist" by Gary Smalley
For you to read: Sacred influence, What a Man Needs From His Wife to Be The Husband She Wants".

Good luck, an God bless your marriage,
Gail

Have you ever read the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman? I think it would give you great insight into your husband and perhaps even yourself. Hint: I think your love language is acts of service. I have definitely had a greater understanding of why my husband does certain thing and doesn't do others since reading this book. I also understand myself better and why I want him to do certain things and how to ask him for what I need from him in a healthy way. Don't give up. Sounds like he wants to fix things if he's willing to talk about it.

It is NOT you! He is a part of your family and should be actively involved! What is the point of him being there if he is not going to participate (if nothing else he should be eating with you)! I suggest trying to find a pastor, counselor, therapist, whatever to discuss these issues with. You all are his family and he should take an interest in you by helping out around the house and eating the same meal with his family. Right now he is nothing but a house guest who doesn't clean up. I am so sorry that he is not more helpful, but hope that with some outside help you can get to the root of the problem and maybe help him to become a more helpful man! My prayers are with you...good luck!

I feel your pain. I had just reviewed a similar question and hope this helps. It has over 20 responses.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/7359718912109379585#re...

Please seek just a counselor to be like a mediator between you guys. Look at possibly making a list and that you guys need to come to terms at divvying up the list.

There are some great suggestions on the other post, so look into that.

Hope this helps (pssst... you are not alone either, LOL!)

I think you've got some good advice, I only read parts of other responses. I agree the "love languages" book would be helpful. One of my thoughts was this- have you just straight out asked him to do something? Like, instead of nagging while you're picking up toys and saying, "why don't you ever pick up, I'm always the one cleaning up, etc.", have you tried just simply saying, "Honey, I'm going to be cleaning up the kitchen. Can you please help the kids pick up their toys and clean up out there?" Most of the time, a husband will not outright refuse to help, and if they do then you can get to the bottom of the issue. For example, if he says, "I am so tired after work all day, and I don't want to come straight home and work some more; can I not have 5 minutes of down time to myself?"- then you have your answer to all your problems- he just needs some time to relax and have some quiet down time before he can interact with the rest of the family and help out. Just an example, it could go a thousand ways but I think you get the idea. I also agree that refusal to join you at dinner is a problem. Although it would be extremely annoying for him to not eat the same meal, at least he would be participating in a family activity. Also, some marriage counseling may be beneficial, especially since HE has been initiating some of the conversation. Many churches offer these services for free or low cost; and you shouldn't look at it like your marriage is failing, it's more like you just need a neutral referee- like mediation negotiations. Good luck, hope you get to the bottom of things.

Suggestion 1. Tell him you'd like him to eat dinner with you and the kids every night, because he is important to you and a good example of what a man/father is, and his children will respect him for setting such a good example by being the head of the family (Perhaps he didn't have this example growing up and doesn't know how to act?). Don't have this talk anytime near mealtime. Remember, women are the civilizing force on society. Sometimes we have to be clear to the opposite sex as to what that entails. Continue to make this time a special time and be encouraging even if rejected, your children will remember your actions and one day appreciate your dedication...but if it becomes contentious, they will remember that.

Suggestion 2. Check out www.flylady.org to see her perspective on housework and its role in blessing the family (I'll admit falling into being resentful too)

Suggestion 3. Does he like to cook? My guy will grill because I stay out of the way. Has he told you how he feels about this?

Suggestion 4. Continue to do what you do without nagging, just because living happily is good for YOU. Stop talking about it. Start praying about it. There are just some things that we can't control, and when we try to change them to the way we think perfection should be, we find out maybe that wasn't the best either. It's amazing when I give something to God how He causes change that I never thought possible. Just a thought.

Last Thought: Someone suggested depression and she may be onto something.

The most upsetting part of your post is the fact that he has little to no interest in his children and doesn't want to eat meals with his family. When you are honest about the things you dislike does he give you reasons? Does he try to change? Maybe the family would benefit from talking with a family counselor. I certainly would do something before your children grow up thinking their father wanted no part of their lives. How heartbreaking! Good luck with all your going through!

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Stop picking up after him, throw or drop your own stuff on the floor. That will work.

It's hard to reconcile your description of what he does with your description of "great companionship" and "great conversation." When do you have this conversation/companionship, in bed at night?

I'd say, pick your battles. Men do not notice household things. They certainly often don't notice housework and cleaning issues. If you make enough money, hire people to do these things, because I doubt you will change this aspect of him.

Since he obviously wants to fix things between you (he want to talk - THAT'S unusual), I think the two things you should INSIST on are 1) he sits down and eats with the family and 2) he spends some time with the kids. (What the heck DOES he eat?) Those are the two really important things, the housework part is annoying but doesn't really matter in the scheme of things.

Make it a compromise. You will take care of the housework (e.g. hire someone) if he will be involved with his kids and eat with the family. It's important for daddy to be at the dinner table.

If he's great in the companionship department, then you guys have a lot going for you. It's a good start.

Wow...this sounds like my husband. I'm sorry I have no advise but I'm glad you posted this!

One thing I can tell you is that men do not think like women and sometimes need to be told what we need from them. I know it sounds very unromantic but with most men it is the case. I know with my husband because I am a very controlling person by nature he did tell me at times in the mommy department he felt inferior. He was afraid he wouldn't be doing things right. Of course my children did not help the situation because I was a stay at home mom they wanted me for everything. I knew it hurt his feelings at times that they just wanted mommy but I also know I was the one home with them and it was normal. I think some men are just not comfortable doing mommy things and need to be helped through and shown what we need from them. Do you know what type of role his dad had in his family? I find it can go both ways. Some men do better then their dads and some men follow right in their dad's footsteps just because they don't know any different. I do not think you have high expectations I just think you want the most from your relationship, and rightfully so. Have you tried just leaving him with the kids and going out for a while and let him find his own way? He may be uncomfortable or intimidated doing things when you are around. I remember when my kids were little I was sick as a dog with strep throat 103 fever and was down for the count. It was the one and only day my husband had to stay home from work and be me. I laid in bed and all I heard was "Mommy doesn't do it like this, I want Mommy!" At one point I was tempted to help but I just laid there and let him find his way. That night when he got into bed he said to me I do not know how you do this all day!!!!! " He even used my line teasing me, "Don't touch me I have had kids climbing on me all day!!!" LOL!! Bingo!!!! He got it, he knew what I was always nagging him about. Sometimes people have to walk in our shoes to get it. Talking, pleading, crying, for some people can be ineffective. But be me for a day and see what happens. My husband is a wonderful husband and as much as he wanted to understand he just didn't. Plan a girls day out and just do it. Go shopping, get your nails done, go to lunch and let him do it. Trust me your kids will survive and it may be just what you both need a real eye opener. Good luck and keep us posted!!

Boy, you could've been talking about My husband! Although, with us, it's not a problem anymore. It used to bug me, but in our situation I stay at home and he owns his own business, so is working about 10 hour days or longer. The only chore he has in the house is taking the garbage out on Sunday nights and rolling it back after they've taken it. I think it depends on your situation. If you work, then you need to talk to him about helping more for sure! But don't just say it and expect him to know what to do. Actually TELL him what things he can do to help out. Otherwise, as weird as it may seem, he may not notice the things. My husband doesn't do any yard work either. We have about 1/2 acre and I do everything. That used to bug me too, but then I talked to him about it and he said "I work so much, even on the weekends, and I don't want to spend my free time doing yard work when I could be spending it with the kids, so why don't you just hire someone to do it?" So, I thought about it, and decided I would just do it myself since I didn't see the point of paying someone to do it. Now, I'm going to start working again part time in August, and there will probably be some shifting of responsibilities, but for now I don't mind since I stay at home

well at least you have lots of good things in your marriage that you can still name off, that's a good sign! lol. have you tried a "honey do" list? my husband is useless. but if i specifically say to him, "honey, take out the trash today." and write it down, it mostly always gets done. don't expect him to think of it. he won't. the cooking thing, i can't help you. my hubby couldn't care less most of the time, we work different shifts (me days, him mids) so most of the time i'm finding fast food containers in the trash and my plates of food i leave for him go untouched. talk about insulting. then on days he has off do you think he cooks? course not - he will take us out to eat every time. great. anyway. it does sound like your hubby is taking it overboard, but while you do say you've "nagged", have you nagged him to be more helpful, or have you actually said, "honey, do THIS." men usually need pretty specific instructions. and i have found if it has to do with keeping marital peace, he'll usually do it if i come right out and specifically ask. maybe try it? good luck!

has he always been like this or is it something new? If it is new try to figure out when it started. some husbands lived with a mother who did everything for them and need to be taught that dirty clothes go in the hamper of laundry they do not just magically appear in the washer. Do you stay at home or work outside of the home. I stay at home and I do not expect my husband to do any of the house work but he does take care of the yard. If you work outside of the home than he either needs to help or budget so you can hire some one to clean the house at least twice a month and you take the other two weeks. Maybe he does not know what to do. Just because he is male does not mean he automatically knows anything about cars or how to use a lawn mower. If you need help, ask for it, he may truely not realize you are stressed but DO NOT NAG. Say, I could use some help, would you run the dust mop in the kitchen. It will work better than you never help me, I have to do everything around here. Good luck