C.,
Let me let you in on a little truth about men and life in general. "The man will take two jobs outside the home before he will ever happily work inside the home". Men, since the very beginning of time were hunters and gathers. Not cleaners and straighteners. Sound SEXIST! YOU BET! When today's women realize that they are not men and men are not women. . . your lives will change. Ever been to a man's house who lives by himself? (without maid service) There is not a bathroom there you would want to enter let alone sit down in. To take that one step further or half man/half women -gay men- it gets a little cleaner and more decorated and kept nice. This is not a mishap.
We are made and wired in a certain way and in that we behave in a certain way. If you asked most new mothers they would say I want to stay home and be with my new child. Most men would say thank God my baby vacation time is up and I can get back to "hunting and gathering" AKA their job in today's civilazation. Don't fight million of years of mankind!
You are welcome to get upset and pitch a fit, argue about his lack of cleaning, argue about his lack of watching the child, stay mad about your feeling overwhelmed, stew about his not helping as much as you need him too, let your mind play over and over how you are the victim of his lazy ways, become overrot with the upcoming doom with the new baby and his lack of help, talk to your friends about how bad it is and so on or you can just realize what most of us older and wiser women already know for a FACT ABOUT MEN...The less you do -the LESS THEY DO and the MORE YOU DO ---the LESS THEY DO!
YOU want a nice clean living room with vacuumed floors and all trash picked up and the room straightened and the dusting done----HE WANTS TO COME HOME AND RELAX AND HIBERNATE FOR A WHILE BEFORE HE HAS HIS NEXT ACTIVITY HIT HIM (BEFORE HIS NEXT JOB AND THE NEW BABY!)
YOU want the kitchen to be clean, the dishwasher emptied and loaded, the sink bleached out,the counters wiped down, and the floors mopped. HE WANTS A GOOD MEAL and some quite time.
YOU want the bed made with fresh sheets, the floors vacuumed, the clothes put away, and the room duster and trash taken out. He wants to have sex and call it a day!
You want the yard cut, the new fall color plants put in the ground, the hedges trimed back and the fertilizer put out. He wants to go play golf or go to THE GAME!
There is a reason that GOD looked down at ADAM and said, "IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE"! And so he sent us! With a rib from man, we have a very tiny part of man in us (the time when we throw caution to the wind and go have a girls night out --that is the rib talking!) For the most part God made us to different and to be that help mate that man so dearly needs. So what are we to do.
We can make ourselves miserable expecting our men to be a second us or WOMAN,,, but that will only frustrate them (they can not be a women in their minds or thoughts) or we can "B I T _ _" for the rest of their lives and in-turn ruin our families and ourselves or there is another way. Be smart and realize that men and women are different. Now that does not exclude them from taking part in being a member of the households of America. But is does take aWISE and SMART women to know how to get this DONE! IT is not my critizing and arguing. Yes he may for a day but then the next day you have to do it all over again. You, C., need to change his mind not his activity.
BE REALISTICS WITH REALISTIC EXPENCATIONS! First, as a bookeeper, I know you are all about the details! Not only does the check book have to be done but you will stay up for hours looking for that dime that your account is off! I am married to an accountant type(they tend to be born in the later months of the year-September and thru October tend to produce 75 percant of all accountants, bankers, financial officers and planners, and so on. You can't help the way you were born but I say this to say you are more prone to wanting to have EVERTYHING just perfect!
So to save your sanity, first realize that you can either have a wonderful time with the new baby and dirty dishes or you can have a stressed time with the new baby and NO dirty dishes in the sink! You can enjoy some bonding time with you, your husband, and the new baby or you can have a vacuumed living room each day after you fight with the hubby about his lack of help and also have a stressed baby!
Not what you wanted to hear? I did not want to hear it either but once I realized there were only 12 solid hours in the day and my new baby was about to take up about half of those hours I have to be honest with myslef and realixe that something was going to HAVE TO GIVE or GIVE UP when the baby got here! Babies grow up WAY TOO FAST and I was worrying about a perfect house and not enjoying their babyhood. I STOPPED and realized that for a time, my house would not be on the cover of PERFECT FAMILIES AND HOMES magazine. It also helped that I found a small poem in a store with a baby crib on it that read;
CLEANING AND SCRUBBING CAN WAIT TILL TOMORROW...
FOR BABIES GROW UP WE'VE LEARNED TO OUR SORROW..
SO QUIET DOWN COBWEBS ... DUST GO TO SLEEP
I'M ROCKING MY BABY ...AND BABIES DON'T KEEP!
I wish now that I could have one more cold afternoon with my baby wrapped in soft warm blankets, nuzzled at my breast, as I TENDERLY WATCHED THEIR EVERY BREATH AND THEIR SOTF LITTLE EYES GAZE UP AT ME!
In other words, I learned that continuing to beg for help only frustrated my husband, me, the other children in the house and the new baby. I learned that I would rather have a calm baby and home and be happy myself in a 50% clean home with out stress in the marital relationship THAN have a crying baby and be constantly mad at my husband for not being a wonderman that could work all day at two jobs and then come home and read my mind and finish or do everything that I could not finish or do all day at my job _BEING A MOTHER but have a 100% clean home!
But what about the need to feel like it is done! Try these survival methods.
1. HIRE A Mother's Helper.
A MH is a young girl in the neighborhood that is not quite ready to be a baby sitter but still wants to make some money and be in training to babysit. I am sure you could think about some girls right now if you had the time! Call their mothers and talk to them about their daughter's being your Mother's Helper before the baby is born. have them come over and become fimilar with your routine and you. My daughters had quite a successful Mother's Helpers business when they were 10-12 years old. What do they do. They would go over to the families house for 2-3 hours and clean up the kitchen, or watch the other children so new Mom and Baby could get a bath and shower and feel like a live body again, or take the older child on a walk(bug gathering for boys -flower picking for girls) so new Mom could talk on the phone to dear freinds (without inturruptions) or her mom or doctor, set the table for dinner and make a salad, clean up the bedrooms and change the sheets and so on.
The new mother got the help for a couple hours each week and the mother's helper was now getting experience for her future babysitting days. It may take 2 or 3 times before you find the right girl for the job. Most of the time the MH's just want to HOLD that new baby. So let them while you get your bath or read a book or take a nap! You pay them less than the regular babysitters because you are still there in the house but make sure the money is enough in your area for them to be able to go to the store and buy something. I used a HM for about 2 years every other week. I loved the ability to get my shower and a quiet hour to read or sleep knowing my children were in the house and when I got up the dishwasher was emptied and the table was set for dinner. My husband always knew when the MH was there that day because I was in a better frame of mind, more relaxed, clean and not in PJ's and the meal was ready when he came home or at least the talbe was set. In past years, our families were closer and they helped but now days new moms use a MH.
2. Ask for One TASK FROM HIM!
Ask for help and then PRAISE PRAISE PRASIE him! Yes, it seems like they should do it on their own BUT THEY DONT" so don't waste your life waiting for them to be women! YOU MARRIED A MAN NOT A WOMAN-THAT WAS YOUR CHIOCE! Have a specific job that you require of him and then say and ask in a quite loving moment, "Honey, I can not do it all and I need your help. Will you be in charge of the dishes each night so I can put the baby down and get the little one's homework done and them off to bed so we can have some US time? He will not be good at it at first but when he see the difference it makes in you he will get on board. Once he see that it does affect HIM he will move closer to where you want him to be. Be sure to use the words "NEED and Take Charge" Words like this to men are words like beautiful and loving to us! Men are MEN not women. How will this make my life better is how they operate. If they see a calmer and happier you by spending time doing the dishes each night then they will get the point happy wife= happy me!
3. Give him 30 minutes when he gets home to DO NOTHING! I mean nothing! NO TALKING, NO ASKING, NO WORKING, NO ARGUING, NO NOTHING! This will be hard but it will provide him with the ability to unwind his mind, catch a breath, revie himself for the upcoming family needs, and let him feel like he still matters in you life. Tell him you are going to do this and say when he walks in, "Hello honey welcome home the time is on and you go enjoy your thirty minutes! He will be astounded as first but thenyou will notice that he will help more because he will feel appreciated and he will acturally be ready to be a husdanb and father. youknow how you feel after a vacation-rested relaxed and ready to take on the world. After his 30 minutes of peace you get to take 30 minutes so you can unwind from your day! If you don't do for each other....life with two kids will be doable but not too much fun. There is a reason some families seem to sail through life and why others fail. This activity shows that you both are important and that you both care enough about the other to give space to one another. The kids will get used to Mommy and Daddy's TIME OUT!
4. SAY YES TO HELP OFFERS
When I had my first child everyone said,"Is there anything you need?, Can I bring over dinner for you?, Call me if you need help! Well STUPID me said NO THANK YOU to all that help. I wa super woman and new super mom I did not need their help!!! What was I thinking!!!!! By the time I had the the second child I had dinner from friend and family for my first 2 weeks lines up arriving at 6pm each night. IT WAS A GOD SEND! It was a wonderful thought about 3pm in the afternoon that Mary was coming over with dinner for that night and I was thrilled to know that my family would be fed and most of the time there were no dishes to worry about. What did they want in exchange? They wanted to feel needed. They wanted to feel like a part of our great happiness in our new child. They wanted to hold my baby---the closest thing here on earth to heaven. They wanted to be able to LOVE me they way they knew how to with food and community. SO SAY YES. Get your calendar and schedule everynight for dinner. Yes, there will be some that may overstay the drop off of the food and for them you just say, "Thank you so much Mary for the dinner you are so sweet to think of us in this way but I have had a rough day and I am tiring quickly this evening and I just want to eat your wonderful dinner and get to bed. Mary will get the message and back out of the door. Being around a new baby and a new family is life affirming and uplifting and some people just need to feel that joy enter their body and so they stay a bit longer. So C. say YES TO HELP. Call a freind on and ask for them to set it up for you. Mysister called everyone and set up each night for 2 weeks for me. It was so life affirming to see so mamy wanting to help and I learned to let others be nice to me. Helping others make people feel good inside.
5. EXCHANGE ABILITIES WITH GIRLFRIENDS
If you have a friend that needs a sitter for Friday night but can't afford one then you sit for her and in the morning she vacuumes your floors and does the dishes when she picks up her child. You can find many girlfreinds and neighbors that will BARTER with you.
6. PRAY that God will change you to realize that a happy home is better than a clean home. Pray,"Lord let my husband see my need for help and want to help me." Pray that your husband will be able to hold down two jobs without any resentment or bitterness towards you. You are angry NOW about him and the new job that you WILL BE TAKING ON WITH THE NEW BABY and now he will be having a new job outside the home with all that goes on with that (mean bosses, being tired, nasty coworkers, stress of the new bills, and getting home later each night,etc.) I have noticed that many young newly married couples just think about themselves and not about their spouses. That is a receipe for divorce.
6. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Don't expect your life to be the way it used to be when you could get everything done in one afternoon and it stayed clean! Those days are gone!!! Lower your expectations. A happy home that is 50% clean is better than a 75% clean home where everyone is misserable.
C., Life is not easy as young parents. Young children will wear on your energy level and they will wear on your body and you will get little relief from the strains of raising young children. But then
the children get older and they will wear on your hearts! So let go and enjoy your young family in your not so perfect house and love your husband. NOBODY gets married and has a family to CLEAN HOUSE!
Good luck and I will be praying for you and your young family.
Keep Mothering,
C.