My boyfriend and I are having a rough time getting our girls to get along. His daughter is 4 and my daughter is 3. Both are only children but my daughter has been around other kids more while his daughter is always around adults. My daughter has a big heart and is very caring and sensitive with a huge imagination. His daughter is very literal and blunt and doesn't really know how to interact very well with other children. When we get our children together all they do is fight and argue and want what the other has. I know it is typical behaviour for them to fight over things but to the extent that they do is extremely stressful. I would like to get this under control if at all possible because we are expecting another girl in August. Any advice as to what we can do to help them get along at least a little better than what they do?
I understand thing won't just change over night. Change takes time and its going to be a lot of work. I just didn't know if this was all normal behaviour because of their age and the situation they are being put in. I just need ideas on how to work with thin because this is all new territory for my boyfriend and I.
They sound like true sibs, have you considered duct tape? :p
They need boundaries, hands down. All kids need a sense of ownership of something, even though they do need to learn to share.
It might help if you play w/them for a certain part of the day. Example, plan on playing w/them w/a planned activity (game, books, coloring, tea party, etc) at the same time every day (say, 20-30 mins after every meal). The more you play w/them, using positive words and tone, they will start seeing an example of how to play w/one another.
Try minimizing the amount of toys they have while in the same room. Have them pick out 1 or 2 toys they can play with for that time period. If you have to, put up as many toys as you can, out of reach.
Also, have a tea party and invite 5 or 6 of their closest stuffed animals or dolls. Pass around the teapot, plate of cookies and other things, where each child and animal has a turn (the animal's turn is when you put the pot in front of it). At each person's/animals turn, you say "its Bear's turn to pour the tea so we all have to wait for him". This will give them a whole new perspective on the other girl b/c they both have to wait for someone else (Bear) together.
GL and HTH
This doesn't sound like an issue of being an only child. It is quite the opposite situation actually. It seems like an issue of having to suddenly share their beloved parent with the parent's significant other, the significant other's child, and the new baby on the way. First and foremost, I think that you need to spend a lot of quality one-on-one time with your daughter, and ask your boyfriend to do the same with his daughter.
Also, try to involve the girls in activities and play dates. Perhaps you can join a local mom's group(check meetup.com) to help you with the planning of those activities.
Are the girls in preschool yet? That would help expand their social circle and enhance their ability to take turns, share toys, clean up their area, follow rules, etc.
Regarding your pregnancy, try to include the girls in as much of the planning and doctors appointments as possible. Refer to the unborn baby as their sister. Read books with protagonists welcoming a sibling into their lives. Hope that helps!
You are asking very young children to behave well in a very adult situation. Some counseling might be in order for you all. Definitely understanding and extra attention for each. Don't punish them for finding the situation difficult. Good luck.
positive rewards chart....based on treating each other kind & considerate.
rewarding random acts of kindness....starting with both girls at the same time. That way neither girl is left out.
& sorry, but they sound pretty normal to me!
I'm only saying this because after several years I look back and know I did the same thing and it really isn't helping your situation. It's not something you probably even realize you are doing, and I'm not in any way saying you don't care for your boyfriends daughter, but read your post. Your daughter is wonderful and his "doesn't know how to interact with other kids". first thing is to change your outlook. Just because she has a more adult personality doesn't mean she is the issue. It sounds like they are very different children, and that is good, the key is to let them keep their individuality, and spend time doing things alone with each girl that they enjoy, while teaching them to respect each others differences and enjoy the things they have in common. In order to do that though, you have to respect their differences.
Hi A.,
I think this is pretty normal.... although I feel your frustration!!!!!!
I think your timeline may be a little unrealistic - and the more pressure you are feeling to get them to get along the more they are going to be resistant. They are having adjustment issues and that can take time when they are that age. The more consistent you guys are with structure the easier it will be. But once you throw the baby in the mix.... it could all start up again.
I would say that they need their own interests.... You don't give alot of detail about their environment - are they expected to share a room? how often are they together? I would say you need to make sure they each have their own 'space'. Even if they are sharing a room they each need to have dedicated space for toys, clothes etc. They shouldn't have to share everything. I would say at that age it's tough for them to play on their own anyway.... so if they are doing activities with you and dad you should be directing them -
"we are all going to play candyland. If there is fighting we quit and you go to bed".
"we are going to play a game... Susie gets to pick and Janie goes first - next time Janie gets to pick and Susie goes first"
I also think you need to let them develop the skill of solving problems themselves. If they fight send them to their room - 'that kind of behavior is not ok out here - go settle it yourselves in your room and come out when you can play nicely"
They should have household 'chores' at this age too. Susie picks the veggie and Janie fills glasses with ice. They can both rip up lettuce for salad and set the table. The more they are "doing" the less time they have for "fighting".
Do they do any extracurricular activities? Now may be the time to get them enrolled in a summer activity. Swimming lessons, Tae Kwon Do, gymnastics..... whatever interests they have that will burn off energy.
Good Luck!
