What Is the Best Way to Deal with Birthday Jealousy?

I would give the 9 yr old a hand in planning, setting up, serving. Have her help host. Build her up the rest of the week with praise about what a great big sister she is and so helpful and responsible. Don't be negative or make threats. Don't bribe. Just praise her for her assumed good behavior and helpfullness. Make her feel proud of herself and like an important part of the party. Assign her to maybe assisst in the gift opening part by writing down the gift and giver so thank you cards can be sent. If she feels important and helpful, she'll be less likely to need to grab attention.

Put the 9 yo to work! Not really but arm her with special duties, even if they are relatively pointless, it may make her feel special enough and distract her from the spotlight. Make a list of every kid as they arrive, write down what present they gave after it's been opened, take drink orders, help gather everyone for the next activity, supervise the games with direct and friendly instructions on the rules and protocol, etc.

Wow. Your 9 year old is way too big to act this way. I'm with your husband on this one. Do NOT buy her a gift to keep her quiet during the party. In fact, if she can't hold it together then she needs to be in her room. If she can't stay quiet in her room, then your husband needs to put her in the car and take her somewhere until the party is over.

How incredibly unfair to your middle boy and on top of that she's modeling terrible behavior for your youngest.

If this was my child (and we dealt with my niece who sounds very much like your daughter), talk with her in the morning. Make the expectations as well as the consequences VERY clear. Remind her just before the party starts and the MINUTE any whining begins. Give her one warning, then to her room. If she carries-on, in the car and leave.

This might sound drastic, but if your certain that your 9 year old is going to cause a scene, then perhaps find a babysitter and get her out of the house for the party. Unless she is autistic or has other special needs, than she's old enough to know exactly what she is doing, and also old enough to understand why your making making her leave the house.

Nine is way to old to be carrying on with this business and she needs to be told before the party of your expectations. Really, she is not the center of the universe and needs to celebrate for her siblings. An ongoing lesson that is long overdue. You can't give up now, it will only get worse!

Oh no don't get her a gift to make her behave!! She should be doing that anyway without bribery. Wow she sounds too old for this type of behaviour. I agree with your husband. She should get one chance and that's it. I am one of those people who thinks that when its your birthday it should be all about you!! (that includes no-one else opening your presents either) If she can't deal with that she has to go to her room. If she did it again HER next birthday party would be cancelled in my book. This sounds like it has been going on too long - time to sort it out once and for all.

Your 9 year old needs a reality check, like yesterday. At first I thought the idea of getting them something was a good idea but that's only going to reinforce her behavior. You need to sit down and talk to her and tell her that what happened last year is completely unacceptable. Your poor little boy! I'm sure it's already hard enough being the middle child but having your birthday hijacked? I'd be worried about it if I were you too! The 9 year old is more than old enough to have a stern talk with explaining what her role will be.. this is her brother's birthday, how would she feel if he did these things to her on her special day? I'd lay down the law and tell her if she didn't think she could behave then you can make arrangements for her to not be there. Then if she does act up during the party follow through with what you told her the consequences would be (ie: sent to room, no cake or ice cream, grounded etc..). Have you tried letting her have a friend over for the party? That might help with her attention-hungry behavior, if she has a friend there she may be too embarrassed to act out then.. just an idea.. as far as your 2 year old you should be able to explain to him that those are so-and-so's presents and if he wants to help he can bring them to his brother to open or something like that..

When I was younger we always got a gift on the other siblings birthday (nothing big) but I wouldn't start that at your house until you get her behavior under control.. good luck!

I like people's suggestions that you appoint the 9-year old as official Party Helper. You should probably also have a pep talk with her just before the party - how she is a very big girl now and you expect her to behave like a big girl on her brother's special day and how would she like it if her brothers spoiled HER special day?

My best friend gives each of her daughters presents on the others' birthday to avoid meltdowns. They are 6 and 9. Drives me wild. They're horrible about sharing with each other and are always complaining that the other one has more. When I buy them birthday or Christmas presents, I always have to buy them the EXACT same thing or it's a guaranteed tantrum over the other one having something better. I think it's a really negative lesson to give presents to the non-birthday kid just to buy peace.

Best of luck - I hope your son's special day goes great!

I agree with your husband-it is not her birthday so she shouldn't be receiving any gifts.

Instead of threatening your daughter to behave that morning, I suggest you get her involved in the the party now. Tell her you need her help and ask her to be your "Little Party Planner". And make a big deal about it. I know the party is already this Sunday, but if you can, go somewhere only with her to "plan" the day. Give her a clipboard and make a list together. Get her excited about your son's birthday. Maybe she can help you bake the cupcakes, assemble goody bags or decorate. The morning of the party, give her some sidewalk chalk and have her decorate your front walk. Have her write "Party this way" with arrows and Welcome to ______'s 6th Birthday Party!" It will keep her busy and out of your way. During the party, give her specific jobs. (Of course, you can't just ask her to do these things, you need to "put her in charge" of doing them.) Have her take the guest's coats when they arrive, pass out the cupcakes, and/or write down who the gifts are from when your son opens them. She is even old enough to help run a game. Keep her involved and she will be so excited she won't even notice it's not her birthday.

Also, let her help you surprise your son. Have her make a card and pick out her own gift for him. And if she has any money of her own, have her contribute to his gift even if it's just $1.

As for your 2 yr old...distraction, distraction, distraction. Give him a bag and have him collect all the wrapping paper when the gifts are opened.

Good luck and have fun!

I'm with your husband. Your 9 year old is too old to act this way (unless as someone said, she has some medical reason for it). My daughter just turned 5 and I told her the goodie bags were not for her but for her friends, and that she couldn't open her gifts until after the party. She was SO well-behaved with those expectations, helped us prepare the goodie bags for her friends and all.

Be very firm with your 9 year old, remind her that her birthday was all about HER and this is her brother's day but stand by to extricate her/send her elsewhere if she makes this about her. Making a big fuss about the bad behavior still makes it about her so limit the attention she gets for being bad and give lots of attention for being good. Good luck!

I'm apt to agree with Andra. If she caused enough of a disturbance last year IN HER ROOM to cause her grandparents to leave, I would not want her to attend this party. Does she have a close friend you can call the Mom and ask a favor that she have your daughter over during the party? Something else you can schedule or plan for her outside the house? Not an over the top thing, but just for her to be someplace else. I'm not sure if your daughter would be sad to miss the party, but it would be a good lesson to learn that if you behave that poorly, you're not invited back. She can try again next year. I would absolutely NOT buy her or your 2 year old a gift. I would try to teach the 2 year old that these are his brother's gifts because it is his special day. Maybe HE could be given a special job, like collecting all the bows in a box or bag after his brother opens the gifts. 2 year olds are always a wild card, though. If he has a meltdown, I think either you or your husband or another very close relative should remove him so as not to spoil the experience for the birthday child. Good luck!

you need to give the 9 yr old chores to do, get the plates out, help get the food out stuff like that. When it comes time for the gift opening have her be in charge of throwing the paper away and putting the gift and card together out of the way to make room for the next gift. Keep giving her alot of praise on how good of a job she is doing. If she starts to act up redirect her once. The second time ask her to come and sit by one of the parents and warn her that if she doesnt' stop she will be in her room.

As for the little one... we rewrapped some of thier toys they already have and would set them back away from all the activity and let them open thier "gifts" so they are being occupied.

well here is the politically incorrect answer. I would tell her if she does it this year she won't get a party of her own at her birthday and then stick to it.

I haven't read the other responses yet so I am sorry if I am repeating anything, but I would have to day that at 9 years old, this kind of behavior is just unacceptable and she needs to start learning what is expected of her. I would be very firm and very clear with her ahead of time as to how you expect her to behave and you don't want a repeat performance of last year. There is a great little book out there called "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" (the same authors also wrote a book called "Siblings Without Rivalry" which might be helpful too). You might want to refer to that to get some help on how to have a converstation with your daughter about this, and any other immature behavior she may exhibit. Ask her why she seems to think that her brother doesn't deserve to have his birthday be a special day that's just for him. It may be that she just needs to feel heard and also given the opportunity to "own the problem" and come up with her own solutions that you can mutually agree with. But be very upfront her beforehand about how she needs to act and anything less will be dealt with by sending her to her room for the rest of the day and possibly having privelages, prized posessions, etc. revoked until she can learn to act more grown-up. My feeling is that kids that can't act their age don't get the privelages that come with being their age.

EDITED TO ADD: No way would I be getting her anything as a gift for herself, just because it is her brother's birthday. That's just rewarding her for her obnoxious behavior. My husband's ex-wife used to do this for their sons (they are only 13 months apart) but when it was the older one's birthday, the younger got so nutty about it, and about who was going to get what, she had to stop getting him anything except for his actual birthday.

My mom gave a " sister/brother of the birthday child" gift to each us growing up. I did the same when my kids were young. 9 yo is getting kind of old though for this IMO. State your expectations on how a 9 yo should behave. Hopefully she will be ok this year.

Sit her down and tell her, that kind of behavior will not be tolorated at all anymore. If she attempts she will be sent to her room and you better not hear one sound and she will not have another birthday party until she learns how to act at her brothers. Then when her birthday comes don't have a celebration, acknowledge her birthday but no party. Say what you mean and nean what you say. She is too old to be acting like she is 2 and terrible. I am sure that her brothers do no act this way when it is her birthday so she needs to respect their day. She has been allowed to do this for too long and it needs to stop ASAP

I would suggest having the 9 year old spend the time somewhere else, like a friends house. She is old enough to understand it is not her day, and it is unfair for your 6 year old and a bad example to your 2 year old to behave like that. If she can't keep it together then she can't be there.

If you give other kids goodie bags, why can't you give your own any? On the other hand if hubby isn't going to be so nice, perhaps he could take the nine year old to a movie while you have a birthday party. You can give them some choices. Yes, it's his birthday, but hubby shouldn't undermine your way of trying to equalize the situation.

Good Morning,
I am so sorry you are experiencing this confusion. Is there anyway possible to send both kids away and allow your son to enjoy "his" day. I would make a point of letting the 9 year old know why she is being sent away and based on her behavior in the coming year will dictate if she is invited to his next one. I am sorry if I am sounding a bit mean. However, birthdays are special and the one time ok...one of many times of year a child enjoys as it is "their" day. Please do not allow another child to spoil his day. If threats or other means do not work, your child should not be invited at all and not just sent to another room.
Been There Done That Mommie

My little sisters have that problem and honestly it sounds kindof crazy but if you get the child who is throwing a fit a gift not anything huge or expensive just a small gift sometimes that helps. That's what we do (=

One little comment...(and this is something I need to work on) ...if your daughter is uncomfortable with your son getting all the attention, don't avoid that, just help her work through it. The more experience she gets dealing with that uncomfortable feeling, the more she will get used to it and the easier it will become for her to be in a situation where she is not getting all the attention. It will serve her well as a teenager!!
Good luck and hope everyone can enjoy the party. Happy Birthday little man!