What Is Normal What Is Not?

It is normal for a 2 year old to test their boundaries. What isn't normal is for a mom to say well this is normal so I don't need to take a zero tolerance stand to teach her the correct behavior. You are aware that kids don't raise themselves? That you must teach them what is right and wrong behavior?

I can't believe someone is advocating 'whooping the butt' of a two year old. All it teaches is not to quell the behavior, but to fear a parent or adult caregiver.

This is not an 'epic parenting failure' on your part...it is a mistake a lot of parents make-- what to do when a strong-willed child is angry and having a tantrum. Hitting children for expressing their anger is really about the adult being out of control and not knowing how to manage their own feelings. It is not any sort of research-backed parenting method.

Please, find some parent education materials for yourself and your husband. I worked with a group of toddlers for a couple of years-- this behavior is incredibly common. It's not about being a spoiled brat, it's about the toddler's still-developing brain and extremely limited ability to rationally process what's happening.

In short, this is about brain development as well as temperament. "The Science of Parenting" (all about neuro development in young children) would tell you that when her desired item is taken from her, she is angry, which actually triggers the 'pain' part of what we would call her "lower/primitive" brain. Hence, her flight or fight reaction-- she chooses to fight.

When she is acting out, put her in a safe place (pack-n-play or crib) and walk away. Do not give her what she wants. Tantrums cannot be reasoned with or 'disciplined' out of a toddler. In my toddler room, we had multiple items (baby dolls, trucks, toys) so that two or more children could play with them at a time. Don't go back to her until she's done acting out. You may want to offer her something else to do, a distraction (not the item fought over) so that, when she's calm, she can start to relax and keep herself busy. You are teaching her that substitutes are okay and that she doesn't get what she wants when she screams.

Before it escalates: You can try substitution. "Jo-Jo is playing with that one. See? His hands are on it. You may play with this one." this is the adult managing the situation. Another idea that we caregivers lean on is "adjust the environment". This would mean, in your case, that your toddler and infant should not be left alone together or be unattended. This could be ensured by using a pack-n-play for one child, a high chair, other containment options (I used an umbrella stroller when my son was getting into mischief while I was cooking dinner.... buckled him in, gave him a couple toys)... it's not a punishment, it's about managing the space to eliminate conflict.

She's going to need a lot of consistent reinforcement and redirection. Better to stop the judgment on dad's part. It's very typical behavior.... I wonder if your husband would feel this way about a boy exhibiting the same behavior. She's just doing what toddlers do, it's up to us to help them learn about their world in safe, appropriate ways.

One year olds don't share.
Two year olds don't share.

They hit and scream because they don't have the verbal skills yet to "use their words.

Nine year olds don't get to decide who should be on meds, and shouldn't be in a fight for sharing with toddlers.

And fathers of 9 year olds, regardless of their mental/emotional age, don't let their kids give parenting advice to their stepmothers.

Dad needs to step up, Stepmom needs a backbone, and both could benefit form parenting classes and counseling to present a united front.

do not allow your husband to put a tiny girl on meds. she's way too young to understand the concept of sharing. she's not a tyrant, she's a toddler.
she needs appropriate parenting, not medication.
khairete
S.

ETA after your post answering:

If you want help, stop getting defensive and argumentative. You KNOW that you have problems with her. You KNOW that you aren't handling things well. You KNOW that you and your husband will not make this better by not understanding child development. LEARN from what these women are telling you and go get some help.

Original:
Are you actually saying that the special needs 9 year old is telling you to give your 2 year-old medication? Or are you saying your husband is telling you this?

Your post is hard to understand.

You and your husband need parenting classes. You don't seem to know what you're doing. You are responsible for redirecting your 2 year old when she is upset. You are responsible for watching your children all the time. They are too little to be alone with each other.

You and your husband need child development education. Do it now. I don't know how you're going to help the special needs child if you don't learn how to manage the other two...

Two year olds don't play well with others yet.
That comes later - like between 5 and 6 yrs old.
The special needs 9 yr old is right about at that stage where he can play cooperatively with others but he still squabbles a lot - and he might always do this.

The 9 yr old doesn't get to parent the other kids - and since he's special needs - his behavior is in no way any sort of measure of what is normal with the other kids - although they are learning what 'is normal' and might copy anything they see/hear from their special needs big brother - which might not be normal.
The 9 yr old is parroting what he's heard others saying about himself.
The older boy needs play dates with older kids maybe other special needs kids - and although he's 9 - he needs supervision - because a 9 yr old is physically stronger than 5 yr olds and they are almost half his age.
If he's still mentally 5 yrs old when he's 18 - he's going to have trouble finding playmates because few parents are going to want their own kids playing with someone that old.

It's normal for 2 and 3 yr olds to have tantrums (terrible 2s and terrible 3s)- and it's normal for parents to send them to their room when they do till they are done with the tantrum.
They are still learning how to handle their feelings - and parents are learning that when the toddlers are tired and hungry you don't even attempt an outing.
Toddlers don't need to play with others yet - your 9 yr old needs some friends more his own age or mental stage.

I too agree with Nervy Girl and would add: Please get your husband and yourself to a parenting class, one with a focus on parenting toddlers. Look for these classes at your local hospital or through your health care provider or county or city health department--start asking today. Many are inexpensive. If you can't afford one, ask about sliding scale payment or payment based on ability to pay.

Please do it as soon as possible. Your husband is not listening to you and may need to hear a professional third party tell him that your toddler is behaving normally for her age. And you both need help handling this normal but problematic behavior better.

The idea that he wants to medicate a child of two simply for BEING a child of two is a very, very bad thing. Parenting classes, now, because he won't listen to you (or to us strangers on an anonymous parenting board!).

He needs to learn about typical and normal stages of child development and why he must not expect a child of two to be able to share -- sharing is something that has to be taught and modeled and he needs to learn, not to have unrealistic expectations.

I think you need to schedule an appointment with your pediatrician to ask this with husband in attendance.

I would make it mandatory, if this was the type of parenting style the father was bringing into the family, that he attend all of them or the very least be present on speaker phone to ask these questions and hear the answers.

Is your stepson special needs? Why do you say 'mentally 5'?
I worry that this shows your resentment at towards 9 year old who already sounds like he is dealing with a lot already.

Your post is confusing.

I think you both need parenting classes as well as classes as how to blend as a family. If the adults can't establish boundaries,how can the kids be expected to respect them?

Please read and save for yourself what Nervy Girl said.

I lost track of who was saying what to who in your question.

I wouldn't listen to a 9 year old giving parenting advice, if that's what you were saying.

As for the 2 year old, some are terrible at sharing. Some give away their toys. Even in school age kids this can happen. You just keep modeling proper behavior (sharing) and ways of dealing with frustration. Encourage her to use her words. I sometimes separated my kids (still do) if they can't resolve their conflict. At 2 and 1 - you should be intervening and correcting the behavior. Nothing wrong with taking the 2 year old into another room and telling her she can come back and join you when she learns to be kind and well behaved.

It helps sometimes too if you take the older one and put them and their toys in an area where the smaller one can't get to them. My sister had baby gates in her house, and the older girls would play in the enclosure with their Barbies. Baby brother couldn't get access to the Barbies - less fights. He had the rest of the floor to play in.

Two year olds - you must have noticed - have tantrums at times. You just deal with quickly and without fuss.

Sounds like you guys need to get Rules for A Toddler and put them up on your wall. She's 2. Not even into sharing yet. She's not supposed to be sharing yet. She's still probably doing parallel play.

Go to parentcenter.com and put in your information, join up, add your kids, all of them, and get weekly/monthly emails letting you know what's normal and what's ahead of time and if anything is behind.

https://www.scrapbook.com/poems/doc/12550.html

TODDLER’S RULES
1.1- If I want it, it's mine
2- If it's in my hand, it's mine
3- If I can take it away from
you, it's mine
4- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
5- If it's mine, it must never appear
to be yours in any way
6- If we are building something together,
all the pieces are mine
7- If it just looks like mine, it's mine
8- If I think it's mine, it's mine
9- If I give it to you and change
my mind later, it's mine
10- Once it's mine it will never belong
to anyone else, no matter what

I agree with other moms--talk to the pediatrician and find some parenting classes. We cannot tell you from one paragraph what is normal. From what you wrote, it sounds like your husband has zero patience with your daughter. It also sounds like you have other marital issues and this is the avenue he is using to get out his frustration/anger.

However, I have 3 boys. Even at two they never 'hit and scream' at each other. And, they never tore the house apart. Yes, they took out toys and didn't put them away or took every book off their book shelf, but that is not tearing the house apart. I'm envisioning your daughter knocking over furniture, smashing dishes, coloring on the wall with marker, dumping milk and eggs on the floor, etc.

For one I never said I allow her to hit her brother. In fact she was in time out at least 5 times I don't just let her get away with things. my husband just doesn't think that her attitude is normal for a 2 year.

What Nervy Girl said.

Your husband needs parenting classes.
ETA - please don't hit your two year old. What a stupid thing! Or how about this, you hit your husband until he agrees to share his car with your neighbor. Yeah - that doesn't make any sense, either. Why the hell would you hit a child who is too young to understand the concept of sharing. That makes you the bully - using physical force to intimidate a child into doing what you want. I'm sorry, but that's just completely ignorant.

It sounds like it's her personality...she is more spirited and stubborn and wants her way. She feels this more strongly and doesn't want to give in! One of my two kids was like this. He was the 2 year old that never wanted to share. He had huge tantrums...huge...even up to age 7. He was more selfish. He was very very stubborn. My daughter has such a different personality...she was the two year old that would hand over her toy to another kid, was very empathetic, had just a few short tantrums that we would ignore and then she stopped having them. Really these two kids were like night and day. I think your daughter is perfectly normal. But she is going to take much more work on your part. You still need to teach her every single time that yes, she has to share. You have to teach her she cannot always get her way. You have to teach her that she cannot get away with being a tyrant. And she must treat her little brother right. At age two you need to calmly redirect her to something else. At age two they cannot state their feelings and what they want very well yet. You have to be the one to guide her. The key is to stay calm and consistent. Don't let her be a little tyrant...this will take lots and lots of work on your part. Spirited children are really hard! I swear all my grey hairs came from dealing with my son over the years (he is 12 now and is pretty darn awesome!). Some kids are harder than others...this does not necessarily mean they need medication.