What Is "Normal" Negativity in a 12-Year-old Boy?

Obviously this teacher reminds him of some person in his past who had a negative impact on him, even traumatized him in some way. I would talk with the principal about changing teachers. This is not normal behavior, nor is it appropriate for him to have this obsession with her.Typical adolescent boys always seem to poke fun or make fun of people in some way, but not to this degree, and not obsessively.

I am concerned. Especially with the negativity. I would discuss all of this with his therapists. Let them advise you on how to proceed. I would call them today and ask to speak with them about this situation.

Added: I figured that she looked quite grandmotherly. He needs grounding, and constructive discipline. No adolescent likes being told what to do, however, most will listen and follow rules. His negativity towards her, is something that needs to be explored further. I am sure you tell your son what to do, and he sees you as an authority figure as well, but he is not obsessed with you or hate you . It's a different issue that he has altogether. I bet their is a lot of hidden issues and layers that will need to be worked on in order for him to make progress.

What does the teacher say about his attendance and behavior in her classroom?

I"m so sorry for you and for your son. I don't think you're overreacting. He clearly needs so much help. You're right to continue guiding him on what is unacceptable (and also be sure to role-play what IS acceptable), but: He needs a psychiatrist now, not whenever he can get in to see one. Please see if you can accelerate the process and get him regular psychiatric help immediately, because no, his level of obsession with and negativity toward the teacher is not normal. The things you describe don't seem to come from a place of "She gives me bad grades, she gives me lousy assignments, I hate the work we do, class is boring." The things you describe are all about totally personal and very physical things. That would worry me more than "I hate math and she's out to fail me."

"Hating" a teacher is typical at this age but the behaviors you describe point to a much deeper problem that surely stems from the decade before you had him. I've seen kids this age with anger toward teachers and others in their lives but the actions such as wanting to urinate on homework (and then blowing his nose in it) are actions that indicate a lack of normal "brakes" on emotions and a potential for acting out physically.

Ask yourself, too: If he weren't so obssessed and angry with this one teacher, do you suspect he might find another target for that anger and that intense focus? There may be nothing wrong with this teacher per se, or with her classroom interactions with him; she may remind him of someone from his past or there may be nothing like that at all -- he may be so angry that he simply needs a focus for that anger. When school is over, where is he going to focus that anger? On himself? On his family? Starting to get a handle on it now seems important because once school is out -- what happens then if he's still got all this anger to express but the teacher isn't there to be his focus?

I would call now and say you believe he needs psychiatric help starting this week. I would also wonder if he could be seen by a doctor more than once a week for a while, to try to get the edge off the extremeness of his negativity and find the real cause of it.

LIke another person who posted, I thought, change his class now, but I wonder if he might just transfer his anger and negativity to the new teacher anyway?

No, that isn't normal for a 'typical child'. But it sounds normal for an adopted child with trauma issues. My sibling was adopted, also with trauma issues and it was extremely difficult. He was even institutionalized at one point. The psychiatrist sounds like a good idea.

Perhaps also teaching him acceptance about people and not to degrade women especially and talk about their bodies in such a way needs to really be stressed about.

Wow. I have a negative 12 yr old son too - but not as negative as your son - but also he's not been in the foster system and not suffered trauma. Usually kids (and adults) who feel the need to really focus on hating someone it's becuase they feel so very insecure and hurt inside. So a person who is otherwise unlikable or difficult (like a miserable teacher) becomes the focus of disproportionate negativity.

My son has also becoe pretty negative in the last year - he has some learning issues (reading primarily) so he is in some special ed classes that don't allow him to take tech, home ec or Art. SO very short-sighted of the schools to set it up in such a way that the kids who learn best while active don't get that activity during the day. So my son feels different from the other kids, feels stupid, compares himself negatively, etc.

I am working on trying to find the things he's really good at and getting him into activities that address them. I know my son would be a fabulous contractor, builder, engineer - but there aren't many activities for a 12 year old that address t his. But at my church they do have an informal mentoring program where men will come along side guys like my son and go do volunteer work making minor repairs for elderly people in the community, they go on weekends to do repairs at summer camps, etc. My husband is a great guy - but has no skills whatsoever in this regard and had a very dysfunctional father - so he's at a loss as to how to handle our 12 yr old son.

Lots of prayer helps too.

I think it's about finding his skills and interests and helping him develop confidence in his abilities based on working hard at something he enjoys and gaining a sense of accomplishment. Self esteem is built that way - not the false self-esteem of the schools where every one gets the same award & trophy.

BTW - kudos to you for adopting a child that many others were not brave or energetic enough to tackle. God will richly bless you in the years to come and I think your son will become an awesome man one day. Help him to see a vision of the future that God has for him. There are no orphans of God - He adores each and every person and has an amazing plan for our lives if we allow Him to enter in to our lives. I truly believ God cares about the details of our lives - so he cares about your son. Carry him to God in prayer - and see what happens.

ooh dear!! Some of it is normal but it sounds like most is a defense mechanism to keep people at a distance because he's been hurt so many times.

Easier to strike first and hurt someone and keep them away then to let them hurt you first.

His ACTIONS and WORDS are unacceptable - HE is NOT unacceptable. You can tell him that. I love YOU. I don't like your words and actions. I LOVE YOU. Write a list that he can keep in his backpack of all the good things you think about him...so he has that positive reinforcement that there IS good in him...how must he feel being in foster care, etc. knowing that his biological parents - didn't love him enough or WHATEVER his story is.

Tell him we are writing a new book in your life. Let's let go of the past. Let go of the anger and hurt and let's start new. Today. Let's start writing the book of Michael (or whatever his name is) and show him all the good things about himself.

When he starts talking about the teacher disrespectfully. Tell him that's not acceptable. If she's not wearing a bra - that is a problem in my eyes and if she's not - he notices. So that says something.

If she has poor hygiene - that needs to be addressed too. But he needs to learn how to do it responsibly and with maturity. Ask him if that's how he wants people to talk about him.

before I make this into a book - I would just make house rules. Tell him what you expect from him. Tell him that his BEHAVIOR (talking about the teacher, etc.) is NOT acceptable if he is being disrespectful and rude - if he's stating the truth - we can work on this together. But it is done with respect and dignity.

Tell him we are writing a new book about him. So that he can see all the good things about him. I'm sure he doesn't have a lot of trust for people. So ask him what you can do to help assure him that you are in it for the long haul?

Prayers. Hugs. God will show you the way as well!!!