Okay, a quick background. We are staying in my very good friend's house while they are living in another country. They come back here and stay on the third floor of the house which is all of their stuff. When they are not here we do not go up to the floor at all. Like I said, it's all their stuff. They have two children my kid's ages and the boys *usually* get along. So here's the question.....
While they are here am I their host? Am I responsible for doing all the dishes, cleaning, and feeding of her cats? (we are in charge of her 5 cats while they are gone) I am getting a little tired of watching the husband make a meal for himself and his kids and then leave all the dishes in the sink. We are not eating all together at any meal since they are rarely home when we eat and visa versa. Am I supposed to take out all the trash and clean all the bathrooms? Even the one that ONLY they are using?
I just want to know!! She has invited some people over for New Years eve (without asking me!) and the house could definitely use a cleaning, but I am TIRED of being the only one to clean...plus I didn't invite the people over! I never invite people over for that stuff...I got 3 kids!
So, ladies...am I in charge of it all?
ADDED- a little clarification. Yes, we are staying here rent free. However, the deal was that we would be house sitting and taking care of the 5 cats, while also paying all the bills (of course). He works for a company that is paying the mortgage here and also paying the rent over where they are living. It is all of our furniture on the first two levels.
How funny that some people are in the "suck it up" catagory. I read on this board all the time mothers that are stretched to their limits with their 2 or 3 or 4 kids. Imagine adding another FAMILY onto the family you are already caring for! It's a LOT more work...not just a little.
I talked with my friend and just mentioned the dishes and she rolled her eyes and said her husband is a pig and he's the same way at home.
I will be cleaning up (I am actually doing it right now) the way that I normally do and if she wants more than she will have to do it herself.
Also...to the person that thinks it's easy to care for FIVE cats. You have to go back through my file and see how UN-EASY it has been. These cats pee and mark on everything...almost every day. It's disgusting.
I guess as I read through the answers it occurred to me that I just needed to sit down and talk with the adults. I did...and we shall see how things go.
if you're staying free, id say yes you're responsible. I'd be happy to clean up a little and have no rent, but if you can afford to not stay there id reevaluate things. I wouldnt be bitter or say anything, you don't want to ruin a good thing
If you are staying for free, yes, I think it is part of the unspoken bargain. I stayed with a family for 6 mos for free and cooking and cleaning were the way I earned room and board for myself and 2 kids. The guy threw a superbowl party and asked me - T. do you mind making some stuff for my party? I was thrilled to do it. I felt like it was the least I could do. Now, had I been paying rent I would probably not have been so amiable.
Sounds like you need to sit down and ask her these things b/c it doesn't sound like you are on the same page.
L., you are housesitting, yes? You aren't paying any rent, is that right? I have to say that I think that you should really leave it alone. Do the dishes. Do a light, and I mean light, cleaning.
Your taking care of the cats is a small thing compared to being able to live rent-free in a house. If they were here all the time, I can see that they would expect you to clean in lieu of rent. The good thing is that they will leave soon, and you will only be cleaning stuff of your own.
The husband probably doesn't clean where he lives. He is doing what he usually does. And it is their house and they want to invite guests and they SHOULD. They don't get to see their friends very often, living overseas. I hope you are just venting because you are upset, and that you really don't think that they should ask you if you mind them inviting people...
The wife is the person in all of this who has made the decision that you are the housecleaner. If you want to take it up with her, you could, but you need to consider that you might upset her enough that she may rethink having you there. If they decide to have someone else take care of the cats, you very well may be looking for another place to live, and quickly at that. This isn't fair, but it's a possibility that you need to realize could happen, and decide if risking the discussion is something you want to actually do.
Personally? I'd do the "lick and a promise" cleaning, wash the dishes here and there, put a smile on your face, and let it go. They'll go back to their other home soon and you'll be on your own again.
Dawn
L.,
These are all valid, good questions---but you need to ask them. This is something you should have in writing and should have worked out before having this shared living arrangement. I would call a big family meeting and get every issue at hand on the table. It may be uncomfortable, but it needs to be aired so you can all move forward. You don't want to have resentments because of the lack of communication etc. Good luck and let us know what happens.
M
Yes, it is your responsibility - honestly, I think they are testing you to see how much you care for their home while they are away. I would say something like, I think we need to do some extra cleaining before your guests arrive, can we split some of it up?
I think you are being a little petty here. You are living rent free, no matter who is paying the bills, you AREN'T so you really have nothing to worry about. Is this rent free situation worth, say, doing a few dishes and cleaning the house while they are here? I'm sure they also think that they deserve for you to to be doing the work too, since they in essence are paying for you and your family to stay there. That is not good either. Apparently you should have had all this figured out before. But since you say she is a very good friend, I'd just do the work and not worry about it. Ask for help and hopefully you will get it. But if you make a big deal out of this, I'm sure you will be paying your own rent somewhere else, minus a friend. And really, they are doing a lot for you.
Personally, I don't like cleaning after my own family or anyone else, but I think you have a pretty good deal. My mortgage is well over $1,000 and thats not bad. If I could wash a few dishes and clean up for a short visit, and live for free, I would do it. Money coming out of your monthly income $1K at a time, is painful.
The matter of his mortgage being covered for free is his deal and a deal you may not have available. That is part of his benefit with the company he works for. So because they don't pay the mortgage on that house should not matter to you.
I have a different take on this than the other posters. Yes, you are living there for free but you are also providing a few services for them. I would call around to see if there is a service near you that provides housesitters with the added responsibility if taking care of pets. If so my guess is they would pay considerabally for that service.
If you hired a service to housesit for you and take care of your pets and you came home for week; would you expect the housesitter to pick up and clean up after you? I think not.
I feel you need to confront them with the info of how much a service would cost them and what chores that service would do inside the house. Something tells me they would have to hire a cleaning lady and a lawn service AND someone to care for the pets. I doubt if all of that would be included in the cost.
Do you have a contract? What does it say? Handshake deals between friends always come with unexpected stresses. You do not say if you pay them, if yes, then you are a renter and not a servant/maid/caretaker/freeloader. On the other hand they would need to at least pay a cat sitter some money daily (my sister pays a kid $5 per day for her 1 cat and kennels are a LOT more) PLUS pay their mortgage unless he is placed overseas by a company that pays their apartment in the new country. I would NOT feel responsible for being the maid, that was never part of any rental deal in my opinion.
I am glad you and your friend were able to sit down and talk.
If she knows what he is doing then please stop rescuing him, allow him to reap the benefits of his actions, whether it is from her coming in and finding the kitchen dirty or him coming in and not having clean dishes to use.
If he uses you as the maid and treats you like one and you keep acting like one then you are acting as their maid.
As for the party. Are you invited, the kids too? If not I would be naughty and just leave for the weekend to go visit a friend or relative and let them have their party and have to clean it up too.
If you are not invited then you should all wear your worst jammies and sit around with the TV on and ignore everyone else....lol.
It sounds like there is rudeness on ALL sides.
You are living rent-free!
they (or at least the husband is) are treating you like a live in maid service.
Communication is key.
It IS their home. You are there RENT FREE.
Set boundaries and limits. Talk to your friend about the arrangement and what SHE expects of you while they are home...get it out on the table and COMMUNICATE about it.
If you don't like the arrangement - you can always find another place to live...
are you paying rent? If not, then aren't they doing you a big favor by letting you live rent free? Or are you somehow doing them a favor? ie: house sitting which they really wanted. If you're rent free and it's them doing you a favor, then I think it's fair you do dishes and stuff depending how long they're here. Few weeks or few months?
EDIT: I wouldn't go up to their 3rd floor and clean their bathroom or anything up there. One thing you didn't add is how long they're here. Just the holidays? If I were you, I'd skip anything on the third floor but clean the rest of the house like you normally would. Only major addition from them should be the dishes. Leave them sometimes and see if the wife does them but if not, not a bad deal for rent free. Taking care of cats is pretty easy... I could see if it was 5 dogs you had to walk constantly but cats don't take a lot.
While I think it's incredibly rude of them to just leave their dishes for you, like you are their servants, I also think that since you are getting the place rent-free, you should do more of the cleaning. I wouldn't go crazy getting it clean for THEIR new years party, however. If they care about what their guests think, they can clean it.
If it were me, I would do what I feel comfortable with in my own home. And since I don't like sinks full of dirty dishes and a dirty house, I would clean it no matter who made the mess.
So, they are a little inconsiderate, but you have a good deal so I think you should do the extra cleaning.
No you are not responsible for her party in any way form or fashion. She has the right to invite people over and only needed to 'inform' you. At this point it is both of your residences and she is kind of taking it to another level by ignoring your feelings. I would find somehwere else to go on New Year's Eve
(like a hotel and would not return until New Year's Day afternoon) and let her do all of the preparing and cleaning.
Sounds like you might want to consider getting your own place. If you are staying there rent free, the yes, I would think that cleaning up here and there is not that bad of a thing, like the ''housework'', however it sounds like you are being highly taken advantage of. First rule of thumb....never live with friends it always turns out bad in the end. When they do come home I strongly feel it is NOT your responsibility to clean up after someone makes a mess...not fair at all. When the husband leaves his mess, consider not cleaning up after him...that is just not right what he is doing and he sounds LAZY. Also. If she wants the party, she can have the party, she can prepare and she can clean up after. that's just a given. Find a nice place to go and come back when the house is cleaned. Good luck!
If I were you I would ask her for clarification. I would also say you feel overwhelmed at her having a party and ask for help or tell her you and yours will be visiting family that night. Then do it.
You need to sit down with them and figure it all out. Down to the little things that normally w ould seem stupid.
Until you do, you'll keep having this issue.
Good luck!
On one had you have a good deal going. On the other hand does it include being their servant when they are in town.
I see one of two things, the rent you are saving, is it enough to include cleaning duties or is this a conversation you need to have?
Ack I can't help but wonder if you are claiming that rent value as income because you are supposed to. :( Sorry just the accountant in me rearing its ugly head.
Anyway I would suggest either sucking it up or talking to her. Say like, this is a great job I have here but I was wanting some clarification of your expectations. Just not sure if that will go well, I am pretty sure she is sick of cleaning up after him as well. :p
I guess since it is technically their house they can do whatever they want when they are there. You are basically working for them by housesitting, and as pay you get to live there rent free! Sounds like sweet deal to me. I think your friend is the one you need to ask these questions to.
I would say a sitdown with them is in order. If you are a renter then absolutely just clean up after yourself and family that's it. However if you are living there as a housesitter full time then you may have an obligation to them to keep house as a way of evening up your equivelnt of rent. Is it your furniture appliances and living space downstairs or theirs. If you are not paying them and you don't want to be a housekeeper then I suggest that when they are here and your not doing duties for them you will need to pay rent for the space you are living in.
Sounds like you answered your own question. I was totally going to suggest that you sit down and a have a conversation with the homeowners. Anytime you're sharing a living space there are are going to be conflicts about cleanliness and responsibilities (ask any married couple!) and the best thing you can do is just clarify your jobs by talking it over. Good luck!
I don't think you're responsible for doing anything for her family. I would mention to the hubby the next time he leaves dishes, that he needs to clean up his mess. And I certainly would not clean the bathroom that only they use! It doesn't sound like they're like doing you a huge favor - everybody is getting something out of this deal. You are housesitting and not paying rent, yes, but they are getting a piece of mind knowing that their home is not sitting empty or being vandalised or heaven fobid being overtaken by squatters! In the winter, homeless people will break in to uninhabited dwellings for place to sleep. Unfortunately, they tend to build fires indoors to keep warm and many homes are burned to the ground that way. So, I say everyone is getting something out of this deal, so you should not feel beholding to her. Also, I definitely would NOT be taking care of those cats while they are there. And, if she wants the house cleaned better than you have done, then that's her job.
Sounds like a sticky situation when they're around, but a pretty sweet deal when they're gone (except for the cats. Don't know how you can tolerate five of those things! I hate cats!)
Can I get that deal? rent free to take care of 5 cats? I have 4 plus 2 dogs so I know how much work there is. I also know what burden paying rent or mortgage is, so this sounds like a great deal to me. However, I wouldn't think you need to clean up behind her husband, her bathroom, etc. But perhaps you both have different ideas about what your contribution to the rent-free situation covers. If I were her, I wouldn't expect you to clean up behind me and after the cats while I was there and I'd be embarrassed to ask you to do any additional housework, but perhaps she sees that as your "rent" contribution.
This is a hard one, these things should maybe have been previously discussed. Since they weren't, you now find yourself in this sticky situation. Probably the best thing to do would be to ask her what the expectations are. Ask her if when they come to visit, are they visitors, or are they coming home? Visitors don't clean, people at home do.
Ask him if he plans to pay you the wages he would have to pay a maid? Or if he thinks elves clean up behind him? If he is a grown up he needs to act like one obviously this was not part of the deal & you need to iron it out on paper further. I think he is taking advantage on purpose. Get it clarified & signed. Find out how much all the services you provide cost. House sitting, Taking care of the cats & taking care of the grounds. I sure it cost more than your free rent.
Okay, so you are house sitting while they are away. They have come back to stay for a while. You are living there rent free. It is still their house. You should not be doing their dishes, you are not the maid. You are there to keep an eye on things when they are not home. It is not your job to clean the house for their guests when they have a party. I think you need to have a chat with the friend about this. You should NOT be cleaning their bathrooms, cleaning up after them, etc. You are not their host and they are not your guests.
I haven't read any other responses, but, I think it is not your responsibility to clean their areas, including bathroom. If there are people coming over, just tidy up after your own family. The other family who will be hosting the event should do the rest of the prep.
Everyone's opinion is going be different. We are not you or your friend. You & your friend need to discuss it & figure out what level of responsibility each of you has in regards to the home.
It definitely sounds like an awkward & odd living situation. I don't know that it would be worth it for me, personally. Things like this can ruin friendships. Based on your "So What Happened" update, it seems like the friendship is already starting to deteriorate.
I think you should tell her that she should be cleaning the messes & parts of the house that only her family uses, and that while they are there, they should be caring for the animals. After that, give her notice that you're moving out.
When I house sit, I sit the house, not the people when they are in it. Period. For those rough inbetween times, I would leave their mess and clean my own. Wash what you need/use. If they need it, they can wash it! And I hope they and their guests respect your belongings since the courtesy of letting you know they were having a party (and I guess they didn't *need* to since it is their house, but it would have been nice) went out the window. Their party, they can clean for it.
I think they should deal with their own stuff when they are home. That's just my opinion.
I read one of your posts some time ago and the cat thing would have sent me over the edge already. Living somewhere rent free is great, but dang, the cats are a lot of work. It might seem awkward if they are expecting you to clean up after the humans when they are there.
Are you house sitting or a live in maid?
I guess that might be the clarification I would ask for.
I stayed with a friend one time and I wasn't charged rent so I worked and cleaned and did all the laundry and that wasn't so bad. But, I came home one day after a bunch of friends had been invited over and they apparently thought a food fight would be fun. There was every kind of food you can imagine flung all over the kitchen from lunch meat to yogurt and ice cream, mustard and ketchup. They all left it there for me to find when I got home and clean up. I cleaned it, but I moved out very shortly thereafter. There was food flung everywhere. First of all it was disgusting and they just left it and went their merry way to go see a movie.
I don't know your friends, I don't know what kind of arrangement you have with them, but I wouldn't clean their bathrooms or their level of the house. Keep your dishes washed and leave the rest.
Unless of course you come to an understanding that in order to live there rent free, you are to clean up after them like a live in housekeeper while they are there.
You need some clarification on what the boundaries are when the family is home.
I think that might be the way I would address it. Not complaining or stirring conflict, but what is the protocol for when they are home? Surely they should be able to discuss that with you in an adult manner.
It's too bad you don't have somewhere to go for New Year's Eve, like a hotel or something, to have some family time of your own, let them enjoy their home without you there, and let them clean up after themselves when the party is over.
I personally could never have a roommate or share a dwelling with someone else. That's just me. I wouldn't like people getting into my stuff or leaving messes. The only time I had a "room-mate" was when I was married which is a very different thing.
Hopefully you are saving money by not paying rent so that you can get your own place one of these days.
That might be the best possible outcome.
i don't think we can help you! honestly, its awkward and sucky, but i really think you're going to have to ask her. the only way to settle it without "assuming" what she wants, is to ask. she may be expecting you to do it - OR she may just be more relaxed with housework than you are. no way for us to know that...sorry! what an uncomfortable position to be in!
Many years ago a friend had a deal like your. He was a single guy, a school teacher. I asked him how much rent he normally paid when he was not house sitting. I advised him to save that much money a month. Saving money is the important part of the deal.
The cat thing was really hard work. He wound up letting the cats out through an improvised cat door which believe it or not solved most of the pee problem.
He never had the clean up problem you describe since a male doesn't think of another man as kitchen help.
I house sat from time to time and always used the experience to save money. I had trained my children to be tidy and so we never had much trouble. I did have to keep the wells on the property functioning and the extensive gardens going.
This is your primary residence?
When she rolled her eyes, was it a "of course not!" roll... or "ummmm... yes you ARE supposed to do the cleaning!" roll?
These things make a difference to me...
But I also see that you have plenty of answers, so you may not even bother with these questions...
I would say, no, you are not their maid, you are technically a house guest when they come home. While, yes, you are house sitting while they are away, you are NOT house sitting when they come back...what is there to watch when they are home?? If it were me, I'd clean up only after myself when they are home. As for the party, it's "their" house, not yours. They don't have to ask you for permission or for your approval to say it's okay to host a party. I think they only owe you a heads up on that. I'd say, it's their party, steer clear if you're not invited and let them clean it up! If they ask why you're not helping, just explain that while you agreed to house sit in their absence, you are then, in turn, their house guest when they're home and are only obligated to cleanup after yourself and your family only...you didn't agree to be their housekeeper or private maid while they're home. That should come with a bit of income on top of housesitting privelidges if they expect maid service. Hope this helps, good luck!
I don't think you should have to clean up after any of them. You made a business-like deal - they didn't enter you into slavery. You aren't costing them a dime while you live there. If they were paying for the mortgage, and all the bills, and other things then I would say you should do it. I kind of think you would think the same thing. In my opinion they are taking advantage of you, and I would turn this around on them and make them feel like real heels for doing it.
