What Is Acceptable/appropriate?

Sorry none of that is acceptable to me. I was cheated on in my first marriage and she was 'just a friend". So my poor awesome husband pays for that. Its just the way it is and he knew this when he married me.

My husband has lots of female friends on facebook, but No, he does not call or text one on a regular basis, he does not have pics of them on his phone. I would think all that weird and inappropriate.

If it makes you uncomfortable or question it, then its inappropriate.

For me, daily texts of have a great day to someone (male or female) seems odd. If it was to your kids, it would be ok. If they have something big (like job interview) then maybe ok occasionally or if they are going through something difficult.

I don't know why he would have pictures saved. I've sent and received pictures to male friends or co-workers sharing things (new nephew, engagement ring, etc), but then they're deleted. I would question why you would save them.

It's whatever your comfort level is and he has to be willing to respect that.

If it feels inappropriate and you're seeing red flags, then it's inappropriate. All you need is the appearance of impropriety for it to be inappropriate and the fact that there's a history of cheating means your husband needs to be sensitive to that fact.

I wouldn't necessarily take a list of rules and apply them across the board, but on a case by case basis. I place a lot of value on instinct and gut feelings. Don't let your husband turn things around and call you paranoid, especially since you had reason to be paranoid. And name calling is called "deflection."

I'll number your questions:
1. Yes
2. No
3. No
4. No
It's called respect and common sense. I wish you luck.

My ex cheated a lot. Regardless of forgiveness you always feel like what is this going on.

I can tell you hiding, anything, is wrong. Troy knows about all my friends, I know about his. If he goes somewhere he tells me, not in a momma may I but a I know you love me and want me safe. I tell him where I will be.

Thing is there is no reason to hide anything. Especially when you have cheated because even if he went to the dentist, when you can't find them that is where your mind goes, ya know?

Innocent relationships are always out in the open for the world to see. When he hides a friendship I would be worried. There is a flip side to that, if you become that woman, ya know, the why did you just talk to that woman, I was asking her if she could move so I could grab some peaches, oh. Why did you just talk to her, she was checking our groceries. Her? She was standing in my way. That kind of stuff makes a guy hide his guy friends just to avoid it.

My husband and i went to a great marriage retreat with our church. During it, they shared the 10 commandments of marriage. Some were funny - Honor the date night and keep it holy _ lol. others were more serious, like I will not eat alone with a member of the opposite sex.
The thing is, when you start giving other people opportunities to talk, they will and that just wasn't ok to either of us.
now, my husband did work with a woman who I was friends with and her husband also worked there and is my husbands best buds. We temper it, but there is never a text from a co-worker (woman) nor is it ok to have a bunch of pictures of other women (non-family) on the phone. innocent or not.
FYI: as others have said, my husband really doesn't have friends of the opposite sex, nor do I. colleagues, work aquaintences - sure, but not hang out on saturday afternoon friends, etc.
This is just how things work in our world. hope you get some good guidance//ideas to figure out the best for your situation.

Ditto Jim.

That's two male answers....

I went thru this with my ex. Because of that, I don't think there should be ANY contact outside the workplace. Its ok to go to lunch with a GROUP of people, but not one on one. Its a VERY high percentage of men that cheat are with a coworker. I think you have to ask your husband WHY. Why does he want to text/call? Why does he need to text Good Morning or anything else? Why does he have to have a pic on his phone? Why, why, why? I don't know of ANY reason why anyone would need to do/have any of this. I would say that if there is a history of cheating then sorry, but there is NONE of this. Because he's already proven he can't handle an "innocent" friendship. This is the exact reason why I divorced my ex. I didn't want to wonder what he was up to the rest of my life, nor did I want to monitor him and put child protection on all his computers/phones, etc. I wanted to be with someone who didn't disrespect me and my kids. I hope you guys work it out, its hard and Im sorry you are going thru this.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and probably get some backlash, but we don't have"friends" of the opposite sex. we have friends of the same sex. Yes we work with and have dealings of the opposite sex but no so much as friend status. I would never give my husband any reason to worry and appreciate the same in return. We have never had trust issues with each other but have in the past before we meet.

For me, I work with a lot of men... mostly over 60, but a few younger. We are friendly and spend time together at work, but not outside. Depending on what's going on, we may run out and grab lunch, but wouldn't meet up for drinks or dinner. We may exchange a work-related text outside of work hours ("What time does the meeting start"), but nothing social.

My husband is an engineer, so a social female in his world is pretty rare. He works with men so it's a non-issue.

For us, work interactions are fine and no big deal. Social interactions (not related to work) without spouses is not OK.

We have no trust issues, but when a female college friend FB messaged my husband to see if they could have drinks... um, no. Not appropriate. He knew that and responded with a "my wife and I would love to meet up with you if you are ever in the area", which ended the communication on her end.

Gotta go with the guys on this O.: yes, no, no, no.

And I agree that your gut is probably the best "person" to answer your questions about you & your husband.

your husband must respect your wishes on the opposite sex
you must respect your husbands wishes on the opposite sex

I guess I always wonder about this kind of question.

I had a guy friend who was married and his wife only had female friends too. She was always going and doing stuff with them, he didn't mind, they were all female after all.

Well you guessed it. She was having affairs with these women. She was Bisexual I guess since she did have a loving relationship with him and they did have children. She did not want a divorce but did want to have her women on the side. She said they had nothing to do with their marriage.

The fact is that it does not matter if a friend is female or male. What does matter is how your spouse feels about you, would they willingly cheat on you. If the attraction is there or not, would they cheat?

I usually do much better with guy friends. I don't know why but I have closer, less combustible, long term friendships with my guy friends. We can go on vacations together, camping (which I literally hate), road trips, playing cards, etc...and have very minimal disagreements.

Have I ever been attracted to one or more of them? Sure, once upon a time. But I would not cheat on my hubby no matter how happy or unhappy we might be. That is something I would have to answer to God for and I would not want to have to stand there and listen to Him listing that off as an offense. Plus it would just be mean to hubby because these things always get found out. He may be a hiney sometimes but he doesn't deserve that in any way.

I guess for me I don't give it a second thought because I trust my husband completely. So there is no line drawn in the sand. But, then again, my husband has not cheated. I think YOU need to find what YOU feel comfortable with and go from there. Regardless....of what your husband finds appropriate. You are the one that needs to be comfortable and since he was the one that cheated he needs to work at keeping you comfortable.

All that being said, I can't think of any "woman" friend that my husband is super close too, outside of family. I can't imagine him having any pictures of a "woman" friend on his phone either. And as for me, I guess you could say I'm close to some guys I work with BUT they are like brothers as I've know them since I was little. (I work for a small family company where my dad has always worked for their dad and now I work here also) I am close to these men...but we don't hang out after work or outside of work unless it is some type of family event.

I would want to know they are friends. Anything that is not completely transparent, would send up a red flag. If there is any inclination to hide anything - that means something needs to be hidden.

I wouldn't mind an occasional texting convo (back and forth a bit), but not regular.

I would not be okay with the good morning, have a great day texts. Unless my spouse was just so social that he felt the need to say that to everyone in his address book, male or female.

I'm okay with the pictures.

I'm even okay with the occasional meal/drink the two of them alone if I am notified in advance.

I just need complete transparency. The moment my spouse started protecting his phone, have emails I didn't know on passwords or facebook, etc I'd have red flags go up like crazy and my line would get a lot more strict.

If there were trust issues from past incidents, then my line would have very little wiggle room for anything.

I think my line would be that I'd want total transparency. Anything that wouldn't be ok to read or see on his Facebook should not occur privately (email, text, phone) with a friend of the opposite sex.

I think it depends on the couple and the history of the friendship. DH is friends with people he grew up with and some of them are more like brothers and sisters than friends. It sounds like you and DH need to work through the trust issues in general. What is making you distrustful? Sometimes it's someone's overall behavior vs there really being a problem with someone.

I personally wouldn't text any of my friends good morning, but I might say have a good day. Or I'll send and receive mundane texts and emails. Friend of mine is a SAHD. We often correspond for kid events. However, it's ALL on the up and up and we don't meet without spouses or kids. I'm also friends with his wife and will sometimes text or call her first because she's just as capable of telling me her son's schedule on a weekend as he is.

I do not hide friendships. If I need to hide a friendship, then there's something wrong - either with the person I'm hiding it from or the friendship itself. I may not LIKE all DH's friends but I know about them. And vice versa. We have friends in common and we have friends of our own. I'm glad for that because I don't want to go watch war movies and he doesn't like going shopping.

So, what's "out of line" varies for each couple, but make sure you're addressing real issues and not laying out an arbitrary set of rules vs dealing with the problem as a couple.

I agree with Jess. that whats appropriate kind of depends on your comfortableness with it (within reason). Personally, texting good morning/good night/have a great day is a little weird. As would be storing pics of that person, unless like 1st poster said, it was of some "news" - new baby, house, engagement ring, etc. But how did they get the picture - they felt the need to take one of this "friend"? or the "friend" sent them one? that is weird to me, even if it's an innocent picture it's not a totally innocent action IMO. My guy friends don't text me good morning or send pics of themselves. Texting/calling is fine though, if it's not done so frequently that it interrupts your relationship. Also if they're innocent enough that you wouldn't mind your spouse reading all of them.

I think the responsibility lies in each of you to "manage" your own friend relationships & set boundaries that you know your spouse would be comfortable with. If you're respectful of each other & put each other first - and always err on the side of caution, as well as keep the communication open. If you're questioning whether something might not be appropriate, it either probably is somewhat inappropriate, or you should at least run it by your spouse to see if it would bug them. Especially when there have been trust issues in the past, that person needs to be an open book & show that they have absolutely nothing to hide. Hiding or being sneaky about anything would be a huge red flag obviously. And yes, it can be a very slippery slope with friends & texting, facebook, etc.

As far as being friends with your spouses other-gender friends, if they are a really good friend, someone your spouse is calling/texting/getting together with frequently, yes I would like to know them on some level. If it is just someone they have a work relationship with, or text just on occasion for something super innocent, I would not feel the need to be introduced.

honesty and openness is most important to M.. If you're hiding stuff there are major problems! Either you are thinking its wrong and doing it anyway (cheating, bad intentions and so on) so you hide the evidence, or you are so afraid your partner will jump down your throat and assume the worst you'd rather lie than deal with the consequences...either way probably eventually leads to cheating, because there is a disconeect. You J. have to find what role you both play in it.
If you have problems communicating you have to work on that first or this will be a never ending cycle. find the root cause of the issues and go from there

oops forgot to answer my part- your actual question
We both have friends of the oppositte sex. Mine go a little deeper then his. His friends of the opposite sex are related or spouses of relatives that he is VERY close to or J. casual friends. His rules for himself are he wouldnt make plans to hang out with a girl he;s casually friends with alone, he has tons of guy friends he's very close to he'd rather hang with alone, although these girls are often around in big groups
for M. I dont have many girl friends...I hang with men alone more often then girls. i am open about where I am, text message conversations (to the point to if a guy friend I have makes a statement I know my boyfriend wouldn't like I tell him or show him the text) I feel not telling would be the same as lying...thats J. M. though. Some guy friends I have text M. good morning and how is your day and so on, and they are faithfully married...we're J. text/email buddies throughout the work day to make the day go by faster. we dont do this on weekend or nights, but check in on most workdays and have fun conversations throughout the day

I'm with Jo, innocent relationships are out in the open.

My husband and I both have male and female friends. I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have are male. My closest friend is a guy. We don't tell people that we're friends. When we introduce the other to someone, we say "This is my brother..." or "This is my sister..." I have pictures of him on my phone and he of me. (And my hubby has pics of both of us, lol!)

The difference is, I've never cheated on my husband, nor would I. He knows that I respect him, and that my friends (really our friends, because most were his friends first) respect me, and our marriage.

If you don't know these girls and you don't know if they respect you and your marriage, then find out. Make an effort to get to know them. If you still feel uncomfortable, or your husband has time that is unaccounted for, then you ask him to stop the friendship.

I think both the husband and wife should know the friends of the other - opposite sex or not. They should at least meet. I personally think it would be harder to cheat if you've looked the person's spouse in the eye but then again, I would have a hard time cheating regardless. It probably doesn't bother some people. That also eliminates the "I'm not married" lie possibility (it happens, I know someone whose husband had a kid with another woman that way).
I think texting/calling is okay so long as it stays appropriate and doesn't get intimate. It's also a problem if the texting/calling takes the place of texting/calling/talking/interacting with ones spouse.
"Good morning" texts EVERY DAY seem a bit weird to me but then again, I'm not a phone/text kind of person.
As for pictures, if they were taken as a joke or at an event (with other people) that would be okay. Provocative poses or endless photos of 1 person would not be okay with me. That would lead me to believe there is an obsession there even if nothing is going on.
For me the line is anything that would reasonably make your spouse uncomfortable. That line will be different for everyone. Also, if your time - mental and physical time - is being spent on someone other than your spouse, that's a problem! You don't neglect your spouse for a "friend." I can only imagine how difficult it is to get over trust (or lack thereof) issues - good luck!

I used to be very insecure and jealous of every female my DH would talk to.... turns out I had reason and he did cheat on me before we were married.
Now ten years later i really don't care as much about his friendships with other women, as long as it doesn't take away from our family life.
All those things you have listed above would be fine with me, except if he ignored my or our daughters needs in order to text/call that friend.
The other red flag would be secrecy for me. Just as long as I know what he is up to and whom he is seeing, I don't care - but if he tried to hide it my alarms go off.

Every one has their own comfort level. And I trust my husband to walk away from a friendship if it gets too emotional or "dangerous" just like I would.
Good luck!

Any friendship between my husband and any lady-friend is perfectly acceptable to me, as long as nothing blips in my radar. Likewise for him, with me and my guy-friends. Beyond this, I can't give specific actions as a guideline to answer a generic question.
We both know all our mutual friends well enough, and we both trust each other in maintaining sensible and healthy relationships. So no, we've both never had problems with each other's friends, and we both trust each other's sense of judgment.

Hi, Mom:
You say: "WE worked through it, or so WE thought...WE are struggling to find what WE both find as appropriate/acceptable..."

To me: when you stated WE, in your post, I have some questions about your relationship. Since I am in Bethlehem, PA, right now, I don't have access to some of my material about marriage.

I feel you want an intimate relationship, but so far, it is not forth coming.
Learn to focus on your feelings and ask for what you need.
Good luck.
D.

Gamma G has a good point; as does Jennifer H.

My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex. My best friend growing up is a guy. My husband's closest friend is a woman. We knew this about each other before we started dating; and knew that each friend had keys to the appropriate house. Granted, as Jennifer H said, I introduce my best guy friend as my brother most of the time. He generally calls me Sissy. Yes, I have pictures of his baby on my phone; and he has pics of my kids on his. Pictures of each other...they may be in photo albums of our childhood, but recent pictures no. Granted we haven't physically seen each other in almost 7 years. We talk regularly, but don't see each other. Both my husband's and my philosophy is that if there was some kind of interest between the two parties, we would not be in the picture. My bff's girlfriends have concern with me until I put it simply to them. "You wouldn't be in the picture if I wanted him that way. Get over yourself."

As for my husband's best girl friend. She was in the room when my daughter was born. By my choice. My kids call her Grammy and she has been there more so than their grandparents.

It boils down to a trust issue. As for the individual questions.
1--Yes, I would like to know them, only so we can all be friends.
2--Yes, Texting/calling. We both call and text our friends regularly.
3--Everyday, NO. Randomly, especially if they are having a rough go of it, No problems here.
4--Probably not.