What? Im Not Understanding ?

Listen, you have ENOUGH kids. You can't afford the ones you have. If my husband was stressed out with money, I wouldn't be adding to his stress by pushing for another baby.

You need to focus on something else, maybe:

your education
your children
childrens education
volunteer at their school
volunteer at the hospital you worked at
sew your heart out; look for craft shows in your area
read self help books
take a class at at a local community college
join a book club
join a church; join a bible study group
join a moms group at a church like MOPS

Enjoy your life, love what you already have. So many woman can't even have 1 child, let alone 5.

Here's what I've seen in your posts that seems most important (in my opinion).
1) pregnancy is dangerous for you
2) your husband doesn't want more children
3) you have 5 children now and money is tight
4) you are having unprotected sex.

This sounds irresponsible to M.. You aren't 100% sure you are done having kids, so go to Planned Parenthood or your doctor and ask about Mirena. It may also help with your long heavy periods.

I had a tough time reading through this and digesting the information given.

Bottom line... if both parents are not on board 100% for having another child, then the answer should be no.

If he does not want a child, he should get the minor outpatient surgery to make sure he is sterile. If he refuses to do that, then you need to make sure you are sterile. An IUD is not surgery. Take responsibility for your own body.

You already have 5 children, he is looking for more work. I can't imagine the pressures financially and emotionally that would take on a man trying to provide for his family.

DO NOT have unprotected sex or you may likely become pregnant again and then it would look like you are "trapping" him into getting what you want. That is not a way to be.

You have 5 healthy children, you are very blessed and I hope you do everything you can to raise them in a healthy, stable environment. They need their parents working with each other vs against each other within the household.

Talk to your OB and take responsibility for your body. You have 5 children to support now. Think about them as well.

You have five kids and your husband is looking for a second job, so yes he probably is frustrated and exhausted.
I suggest you get an IUD and focus on supporting the kids you have now.
A baby should be wanted by both parents, 100%.
A baby should not even be considered when one partner can't even talk about it, or finds it a subject to joke about.

This is hard to read...

But here goes. Your husband is done having kids, that's what it sounds like to M.. Which means you are done having kids also. The problem is unless someone does something to prevent it, then you are playing Russian roulette.

Sex doesn't equal babies. I'm slightly confused but your statement of him 'looking for some' and you not knowing what he wants. He's male, he wanted sex, it doesn't have to mean baby making.

You have 5, be happy with that.

Looking at your previous questions, it seems like all of your pregnancies have been difficult to some degree, including multiple miscarriages, and your have 5 children. If pregnancy is difficult, or if it risks your health or the babies health, then why risk it? Is there a reason why you want to continue having children? IUD is an option that isn't surgery, and is not forever. Maybe that is for you?

He doesn't want more.
And this is why women need to keep governance of their own reproductive rights.
You might choose to have a procedure or get on other birth control.

Or are you asking us how to get him to change his mind or if its a nod-nod-wink-wink "no" he's giving you?

Personally if O. partner says "no more" then I interpret that as...no more.

I'm not sure what you don't "get". It sounds like you and your husband are at an impasse. he does not want any more children. You do.

He is not willing to have "permanent" birth control. Lots of men are like this. You need to discuss birth control options with your GYN.

It sounds like you had a talk where you asked if he wanted more children and his response was to not answer you. You, therefore, sat in silence for 30 minutes until you left the room... correct? That is not a conversation. And he is telling you in more than one way that he does not want more children.

Further..... sex and procreation (or making babies) are two completely different things (unless you all are devout catholics, I guess). Sex is about intimacy and connection, physical pleasure and release, and getting closer to your partner. Don't confuse the two. And don't "withhold" sex because he doesn't want to have another child. That's not healthy (plus.... then you don't get any, either).

As far as giving him an ultimatum..... what would it be? That he must change his mind and have a child or you will leave him? You are correct... that is not an ultimatum you should give. You should explore why he doesn't want to have another child and why you do. Many times this is not an issue that can be 'compromised' and typically the NO vote is the winner.... you should NEVER bring a child into a world if they are not wanted. Instead, accept his position and find ways to fulfill yourself. If your MIL is not loving... then find friends who ARE loving and who share your interests.

I would suggest counseling. It sounds like you all are not on the same page. If he won't go.... you could go alone. That might help you, at least.

Also - on additional note of perspective. If your husband's MOTHER has never been loving.... it's likely that he doesn't really understand the concept or how to receive love. There is a reason it is a "cycle". we only do what we know.

I understand that some decisions in a relationship are supposed to be by consensus.

From the information you have given, however, it seems that there's a lot of 'do nothing' involved in your husband's plan. It's at this point, were I in your shoes, that I would make the best decision for my own self for the time being. Mirena or another hormonal contraceptive device may be good for *your* well being. At some point, perhaps that is what you need to move the conversation to-- not "let's never have kids again" but "let's choose something which is reversible/removable to improve my health and quality of life here and now".

At some point, M., you are going to have to take this decision into your own hands because he's unwilling to do so. Either go talk to a couples counselor, (because I wonder about some underlying issues that some couples face when they make this decision, such as "if we are not the parents of young children, who are we as a couple and what's our direction?") or just go in to the GYN and get yourself some temporary help.

In short-- what everyone else is telling you, M--- do something practical in the short term, so that a big permanent decision is not made FOR you due to lack of action. Personally, I would not choose to have more children if it meant having to work opposite shifts; you are cutting your family time from 7 days to 2 days with minimal overlap during the week, it's not going to *help* your relationship with your spouse. Just my two cents. Because if your husband is so dead-set against your getting relief from the pain you are dealing with AND not wanting to commit to having another kid-- there are deeper issues which a forum cannot fix for you.

The bottom line is you both don't use any protection to prevent pregnancies.
And you have kids 10 years apart.
So, what IF, you get pregnant again, even 5-10 years from now? An "accident" pregnancy???????

Your Husband doesn't want to get fixed.
He doesn't want you to get fixed.
You don't want to get fixed. Nor to take birth control pills.

So again, the bottom line is: You CAN, have an accidental pregnancy. Regardless if you want to or not.
And regardless if your Husband wants more kids or not.

So, the "problem" you both have to think about is: WHAT IF, you get pregnant by accident????? And what age will you be then, and what age will he be then???? And can you both handle that????

Basically, you both do not have a plan, for having more kids, and you don't have a plan to have more kids, nor do you have a plan to prevent more pregnancies.

Talk to your OB. An IUD is NOT getting fixed. It's an implant in your uterus that basically stops the fertilized egg from implanting. Also, your OB may be able to help you with your periods - it may involve birth control pills to manage the hormones so your period is more manageable. The pills and IUD's of today are very different than they were years ago. Talk to a professional. And stop talking to the rest of the family, they're not on the same page as you are and probably won't ever be. Don't torture yourself. The in-laws may be loving in their own way - family dynamics are very different.

He doesn't want more kids, that much is clear. He didn't answer you that night he probably is just done talking about it and doesn't want to hear you try to change his mind. He has stated it clearly before and in front of other people. He doesn't want any more kids. But at the same time, he doesn't want either of you to get fixed surgically and you don't use any protection, and he still wants to have sex. So I am assuming, he pulls out? And you are keeping him informed about where you are in your cycle? Even with these precautions we all know things can happen, so go ahead, and have sex. Not sure why you stopped him. Because you were mad at him you were withholding or because you were afraid of getting pregnant? You have to accept that he doesn't want more and I wouldn't try to make him change his mind. I would just try to be happy with what i have, have sex with my husband as usual and have the hope down inside that maybe you will get a surprise baby one day and he can't blame you for it, it takes two!

If he doesn't want to have any more children but he also refuses to get a vasectomy, refuses to "allow" you to get any sort of procedure of your own, and you're unable to use most birth control, then you're left with like, one option: abstain from sex for life. Rhythm method equals more children.

Unless you think you can handle hard core charting your fertility. It takes some serious education about fertility in general AND about your own fertility. You would have to chart every single day. Start with the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It's NOT guaranteed birth control. It's not even recommended to use unless you're open to having more children. But it can give you more control than using no protection at all and not knowing what you're doing.

I am confused by your post. I'm sorry.

Sounds like you and your husband need to learn how to effectively communicate. Sitting silent in the same room for 30 minutes is NOT communicating.

It should NOT matter what your family says about your ages and family size- it's about what YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND say about your ages and family size. DO NOT give your family that much control in YOUR marriage.

You need to have a plan. You don't have a plan in place. If you ALREADY have the work shift in place and can afford the children - then have them. IF you do NOT have the work shift in place and cannot afford the children WITHOUT this plan (both of you working so you don't have to pay day care).

I'm not sure what your Mother - In - Law not knowing how to be loving has to do with this situation. Does your husband not know how to be loving and he got this trait from her???

Please don't compare families. That will ruin your marriage faster than you can blink. Each family is unique and makes your spouse who he is today. If you bash his family - it can turn on you.

Good luck!

I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble understanding your post, MM. ("Later that night he was looking for some.. I stoped him, Im not sure what he wants..." Looking for some what? I don't understand...) Are you saying that he says no more children but doesn't want you to use birth control? This makes no sense.

No wonder you don't "get it". He's giving you a lot of mixed signals. And having unprotected sex at your age is playing russian roulette - you very well may get pregnant whether he wants a baby or not.

Quite frankly, I would be pretty upset if I were in your shoes. I think the reason is that he will end up blaming you if you do get pregnant, and that would not be fair.

Perhaps a family counselor would be good. He would have to talk to you and the counselor could facilitate it. I have a friend who did this.

Good luck,
Dawn

Okay, first of all: The discussion to have another child is between you and your husband. Nobody else.

Second: If one of you doesn't want another child (either you or your husband), guess what? You don't have one. BOTH of you have to agree one way or the other. If you don't agree, the answer is NO.

Third: Talk to him without the waterworks or hysterics. Ask him outright: "Honey, do YOU want us to have another child?" Don't argue your point or try to convince him. Just get a straight answer. If he says "No," don't argue. Say, "Are you absolutely sure?" If he is sure he doesn't want another child...you need to let this go. If he's not sure, then you both need to sit down and really talk about whether having another child is going to work for your situation.

Fourth: If you aren't going to have another child, the responsible thing to do is to get some kind of permanent or semi-permanent birth control. Essure, IUD, vasectomy, tubal ligation, whatever works for you and your husband. Discuss it.

Best of luck!
♥Christy Lee

I loked back - you have 5 children, correct?

I'd be...done too, BUT since your husband wants sex but no more kids and you want both, I'd say this is on him. Vasectomy is minor surgery. Even if you only get your tubes tied (not hysterectomy), you have a more major surgery ahead. However, there are OTHER non-surgical options. If at all possible, have him go to the doctor with you and the THREE of you can discuss options and the medical implications and challenges of each.

Good luck.
e

p.s. I have issues with latex and spermicide also. If that' is all he'll consider, the old-fashioned lamb-skin ones are still available. I don't like how they smell, but if he doesn't want a 6th kids and you do, he ought to be willing to do SOMETHING.

p.p.s. My husban'd mother in an agry (angry, angry) mentally-ill alcoholic. So...asking for her advice has always been...interesting (it's like asking her to tell M. why I don't matter). BUT - even if they were nice, our husband's mothers should NOT factor into ANY decision we make about having kids! Is there something cultural here I'm missing?

Ok. I am a little confused by the post. But what I am reading is that the issue is he doesn't want any more children, you do. But despite his desire NOT to have additional children he won't get a vasectomy or allow (??) you to take measures for permanent solutions? YET he still wants to have unprotected sex. . . right?

Well to let you know, periods and pain are caused by your uterus. So unless you had a hysterctomy you'd still have yucky periods. . . why don't you use birth control pills? they help prevent pregnancy (help, not 100%!) and can help with pain, etc. of periods.

Regardless, it is your body and you may have to ask him if he'd be more mad about having another child or you not having anymore children and take your cue from that. It is your body and it you want to have a permanent solution - that is your choice. He can't tell you no and no and then not do anything about it. I think you do need to give him an ultimatum of sorts. Simply point out the biology of the situation and if we don't protect ourselves, we will have another child. What does he want to do about it?
Since he wants to be in control, let him come up with the solution and tell him you are uncomfortable having sex until he comes up a solution and once he does and that action is put into place you all can get back tot he business of things.

I'm not going to question your desire to ahve more babies. But you have had tough pregnancies and perhaps your husband jsut doesn't want o see you so sick and risk your life anymore. YOu have 5 healthy children, right? Be so very thankful and praise God for them.

I can understnad the desire to be pregnant again - I was very sad with my last pregnancy, just trying to appreciate and remember the feeling of having a baby growing inside M.. But - I knew that at my age and our financial situation it was not wise to push for another and I had my tubes tied.

You need to enjoy your children - do everything possible to raise them to become the wonderful people they will be. Stop pushing fate and your health. Your husband is a wise man, he's not getting into an argument with you but he's clear in his intent. Before you know it the kids are grown and you get to enjoy grandbabies.

So step back and chillax mama.

I'm not sure what your question is, but if he doesn't want more kids, then it's really not up for discussion. It's really not up for discussion here, anyway. That's a conversation he needs to be a party to.