What Happened to My Marriage?

We all change over time (this can be with or without new wisdom and maturity). Couples tend to grow in different directions, unless they have made a conscious and consistent intention to stay in sync, and even then differences can set in. Simply put, our needs change as we grow older, and what we want, need, and expect in a partner can look drastically different from our new perspective.

And then the whole parenting thing can be a huge wrench in the works, too. Marriages tend to work best when you've talked through as much potential disagreement as possible well before you have children, to make sure your parenting styles will mesh well.

But even with the clearest of intentions and most careful preparation, there is simply no way to guarantee that a marriage will still fit well 12 or 18 or 25 years in. Life has a way of marking us all.

You are right to be concerned that divorce will be hard on your children. It will not necessarily "tear them apart," however. There's a very compassionate book called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman. Studies show that children whose parents practice "emotion coaching" are more physically healthy and emotionally resilient, less affected by stress, perform better academically, have better relationships, and are less likely to develop behavior problems. This is true even in the case of divorce.

I hope you'll try counseling first – some people find new life in a dying marriage. Whether or not that succeeds, I strongly recommend you learn emotion coaching for your childrens' welfare. You'll find the techniques benefit you, as well.

Well, 18 years is a long time to be with someone, and ya'll certainty have the battle scars. I couldn't even begin to understand what your going through so the best advice i can give is to get some marriage counseling. Some people are just not meant to be together, but I know your trying to make it work for your kids. You didn't really say anything about how you feel though. Do you still love him and want to be with him? Good luck sweet heart.

If you feel like your marriage could be saved and you can imagine yourself with this man 20 years from now if a few things were to change in your relationship, then by all means go to counseling. If he won't go, then go by yourself.

If, however, you cannot imagine yourself with this man next week let alone 20 years from now, then move on. Ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him.

Keep in mind that it may be worse for children to see their parents in a loveless marriage than for them to experience their parents' divorce. Your children will model their future relationships on what they have lived through at home. They will be the kind of parents they were raised by. Just something to think about...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

No one ever warns us how difficult marriage and raising children will be. If there were some way for us to "really hear" the difficulties - I suppose many of us would stay single for life! Especially since you met your husband at a mere 15 yrs (not a criticism, btw) , and because you married him "without that feeling" (Just curious, how do you know if you were only 15 and have been married all this time?), I'm wondering if you've ever had the chance to figure out what you really want, just for you. Sounds like you've done a lot of living, as is so often the case with us females, while putting others first.

Please do consider counseling, at least for yourself and your children. I'm sure if you're considering divorce, you have lots of other concerns, whether about your children, finances, legal issues, custody..........Is there a Women's Center (or something like it) near you that could help you to find resources and support? If your children are school-age, maybe there's a school social worker that could help you to find resources for them? Anything you can do to surround yourself with support during this difficult time will help, no matter whether you get divorced or not.

Best wishes to you.

My parents were married for 30 years and split. They stayed married because of the kids. Although they fought all the time I was very grateful they stayed married for us. It was so much better than being tossed from one house to the other parents house. Our family still doesn't seem as close even though mom and dad are "happy" now. Divorce isn't always the best thing even though so many people think it is. I do wished one of them would have been the bigger person though, and chose to communicate differently. All it would have taken was for one of them to change and things would have been alot easier for everyone. So, since you can't change him, you CAN change yourself. Try that and see if it just doesn't start working.

If both parties will go to marriage counseling then that would be the best option. Actually what the kids witness between the mother and father staying together is harder then is the parents make a peaceful split. I am proof of that. I feel that I witnessed my mom and dad fight all the time and it gave me a sour attitude toward relationships.