What Do Your Teens Do After School at Home?

The rare days that we are home after school, my kids all go to their happy places. My oldest goes to her room, the youngest goes to the basement, and the middle one varies between the two. They like to watch a movie, play PS4, read a book, sleep, whatever. Right now it's too cold to go outside, or they do that the first chance they get.

My kids are 8, 10, and 12 right now. Outside they like to jump on the trampoline, play basketball, ride bikes, or play football.

When I was in high school, most of us worked part-time jobs, had after school activities, and hung out at friends houses.

My girls (17 and 12) are up at 6:00am and usually don't get home until 6:00pm due to after school activities. They are both exhausted. Beyond putting their dishes in the dishwasher, I don't ask them to do anything. I expect them to get good grades and they are both honor role students.

i can't directly answer your question because by the teen years my boys were homeschooling and pretty much scheduled their own days. but from a more generalized parenting perspective, i think i'm on your page. after a long day at school it's natural to want to unwind for a bit before jumping into a must-do.
naturally this has a good bit of flexibility. some kids do better if they plow right into chores and homework while they're still 'on' and then totally deflate later when the pressure is totally off. everyone knows their own kids best.
i think your husband could probably give them a little slack, but i also do feel for him if he's asking them to do something and they're blowing him off. it probably feels to him too as if you're undermining him by making excuses for them, a perception that may or may not be valid.
i think your best solution is to have a family powwow, lay it out WITH your kids and ask them what sorts of solutions they prefer? while not always a perfect solution, i have to say that time after time this worked really, really well for us. the kids feel empowered by having a voice and influence, and the parents often learn something.
what you don't want is for them to tune you (and/or your husband) out.
mine certainly spent more time with electronics as they got older. that gets handled however your family philosophy encompasses electronics. before tackling that, get the after-school schedule and communication with your husband worked out, and you may find that the electronics issue falls naturally into place.
khairete
S.

Your husband sounds like my ex husband. He got frustrated any time he felt our teens were relaxing "too much" and didn't always jump when he barked orders at them.
Yet it was perfectly acceptable for him to spend hours watching golf and other sports on TV at the end of HIS day.
Look, nobody wants to be treated like a servant in their own home. Of COURSE kids and teens should have household chores and other responsibilities but if your husband is just taking out his frustrations on them, well that's just not going to create a cooperative family environment.
And yeah, teenagers don't usually play outside. I stopped playing outside when I was like 11 or 12 I'm sure.

Chores, help prep dinner, eat dinner, bring in/take out trash cans, dishes (put dirty into and put away clean from dishwasher) put away groceries, homework (this can take hours), archery, taekwondo, clarinet practice, and just a little bit of time for some tv - usually a fave show we have on dvd.
Homework IS a priority - and it's hard work to keep a straight A average going in 11th grade.
Occasionally our son has to burn the midnight oil - he's been up till 2am finishing homework once or twice but that really doesn't happen often.
Our son does better in school than Hubby and I ever did.
And we're so proud of that!

Why does your Hubby want things done right then and there during homework crunch time?
It almost seems like he doesn't consider homework to be 'real work' so he distracts with something else?
Not a great attitude on your Hubby's part.
Maybe he should be looking over your kids planners from time to time so he has an idea what their time constraints are - and he and the kids can bond more during weekends.
My husband (an electrical engineer) and son are bonding over son's engineering homework right now.
They get all excited about logic gates! - and I have no idea what they are talking about!

My boys are 11 and 18 (6th and 12th grades). We live on a small farm, so there are always chores of some sort to do. In the spring I like to garden, and my youngest likes to help with that. Both boys help a lot in the kitchen and with house cleaning/laundry.

Other than that, they are both good students, so studying takes up quite a bit of time. I'm happy for them to have down time since they are so good about helping out and have learned to manage their time so well. Our oldest works delivering pizza Thursdays through Sundays, so we enjoy having him around early in the week.

When they do have free time they spend it playing basketball, ping-pong, trying to get an old go-cart and dirt bike to run, and rebuilding a computer. We also watch a ton of Seinfeld together and we love movies. The boys are close. It will be interesting to see how we all transition when our oldest leaves for college in a few months. He's going out of state.

My oldest teen usually needs to take some quiet time after being at school all day. She often unwinds watching Netflix or texting or talking to friends. Sometimes she plays video games or plays her guitar. If she's really tired, she'll rest or nap. She loves to snowboard, but can't get to the hill during the week. When the weather is warmer, she will take walks with her friends in the neighborhood to get and ICEE at the gas station or sometimes fast food. She'll go to hang out with friends every once in awhile, but it's tough because the friends at her school don't live in our neighborhood, and that gets to be a lot of back and forth during the week. My youngest teen is more social and busier. She often walks with friends to the neighborhood business district (rec center, DQ, etc) area or goes over to one of her friend's houses until dinner time. She and her friends sometimes do homework or school projects together. She just turned 14 and she still spends a lot of time outside. The difference is now it's "hanging out" walking someplace, or at some event rather than little kid "playing" Colder weather is more likely to find her group hanging out at Starbucks than a playground or park though. Twice a week she has volleyball practice after dinner. Sometimes she comes right home and relaxes on social media, but not often. The girls take turns doing dinner dishes, so that is their main chore.

Here's a pretty open ended response to go with your open ended question. :-)

"After school" is a little nebulous at my house, because we homeschool, and my kids prefer a slow morning over a relaxed evening. That said, when they are done with their school responsibilities, they relax in their own way. For my son (11 y.o.), that means running around in the back yard, pretending that there are things exploding, and climbing trees, whatever the weather. For my daughter (14 y.o.), that means losing herself in a book or in her computer (which I sometimes have to peel her away from). Both of them also enjoy playing in the art supplies and gaming online with their best friend, who lives half a country away. They do still meet friends to play, although at this time of year, playing outside is not what my daughter wants to do. She likes winter best when seen through a window from under a warm blanket.

My daughter is in an audio engineering apprenticeship 2 afternoons a week, and helps run an open mic session for teens on a third afternoon. My son has violin lessons twice a week and practices an hour and a half every day. Both kids have dance class once a week. I consider these things to be a part of our education.

As far as household responsibilities go, they are supposed to keep their own spaces clean, and both of them are fairly lousy about it, to be honest. They don't mind clutter, and I'm afraid that just might be hereditary. (My spaces in the house have WAY too many books, if there even is such a thing, and balls of yarn, and knitting needles, and art supplies...) They both do dishes and laundry, take out trash and compost, and occasionally clean bathrooms, and are pretty good about handling those things in a timely manner. They are competent sous chefs at this point (wicked good knife skills), although neither of them cooks much independently yet, at least not from scratch. They are also responsible for the care and feeding of one dog and seven chickens. They shovel snow, and during the parts of the year when we actually have a yard that isn't covered in snow, they help out with outdoor maintenance. I'm still a little leery about letting my daughter weed the garden beds, since she still has trouble identifying plants correctly, at least when they are young plants. (She once uprooted an entire bed of spinach because she thought it was weeds.) She waters, and my son, who is actually interested in gardening, does all the same work I do.

Jobs and school work not done means no recreational computer use. Because both of them game and code for fun, this is a consequence with teeth.

My husband doesn't see much of what they do, and that causes trouble sometimes. He is prone to assuming that they don't do things around here because much of it happens when he is not home to see it in person. That's when I pull him aside and ask him when is the last time HE cleaned a bathroom.

It may be worth talking with your husband (at some time not in the middle of a conflict) about whose time that after school time really is. Your kids are nearly grown, and should be in charge of their own time. As long as they are meeting their household responsibilities and school responsibilities, showing up for mealtimes and family activities as expected, and getting enough sleep, they should be allowed to decide how they spend their time. Unless he is calling them to do something together with him or as a family, it is not for him to decide when they do things. If he does need their help with something, he could put into practice requesting instead of ordering, and giving a timeline instead of demanding that they drop whatever they are doing right away and attend to him. For example - "Karen, in ten minutes I'm going to be putting together a book shelf. I will need your help to do it. I need you to meet me in the garage in 10 minutes." And if the child IS doing homework, she needs to say so, and he needs to hear her. "Dad, I'm in the middle of drafting an essay for history class. Can we start in half an hour?" The kids do need to show him the respect due a parent. But he needs to acknowledge that they are growing up, and talk to them accordingly. You two model for them how they should expect to be treated in the adult world.

My daughter is 21 now, a Jr in college and lives in her own condo about 20 minutes from me.

During her teen years, she studied a lot. She still maintains a 4.0 GPA through college. She was in cheer during all of her preteen and teen years, and varsity cheer captain her senior year. She was also in AP courses.

She didn't have a lot of free time. Her days consisted of school, training for about 2 hours a day, studying and going to respective sporting events with the school which she was required to do.

Of course she had down time on weekends when she'd babysit for extra money, spend time with friends, workout and her priority was sleep!!

Yes, it's an age thing. When I was a teen and didn't have an after school "event" to deal with, I went home and either talked on the phone to friends or watched TV. If I was in the middle of a book, I'd read. I'd read for hours on end, and not turn off the light until 2:00 a.m. some nights. But I didn't always have a book I was into. So, TV. Mindless, reruns of Love Boat or Fantasy Island, or Leave it to Beaver and the Brady Bunch. Just.. vegging out.

Your brain is done some days after hours of forced alertness and attention at school, not to mention the social aspects of being "on" all day long. I'm an introvert, and it is EXHAUSTING to have to be in rooms with lots of people all day long. Truly. It isn't that I can't. I can. I did. But it is exhausting!

My daughter is a good bit like me. She's 14 now, and her daily after school activities have slowed down. A year ago she was doing karate 2 or 3 days a week, multiple classes in a day even, and piano one day a week. She also played piano at church every Sunday and spent time prepping the hymns for that. Plus her school work, Jr. Beta volunteering, etc.
This year, she's a freshman, and due to her marching band commitments first semester we dropped both karate and piano. (During marching season they stay after school for 3 - 3 1/2 hours 3 days a week. And perform every Friday night, requiring them to return to school before 5:00 pm). She's taking all Honors and/or AP classes, plus a 2nd math class this year. She's constantly swamped with reading assignments for AP World History. She also is part of a Literary club that meets in the mornings before school starts (at about 7:30 a.m.) at least once a month. So there's reading (and writing) for that.

So, when she gets off the bus (at 4:15 pm).. I let her do what she wants mostly. Sure, I remind her to put away her clothes and take care of any other routine chores, but I don't pile on. She takes a decompression break before she tackles homework. After dinner (or sometimes before) she's hitting the homework/studying. Then it's bedtime (of her choosing) and she'll sometimes watch a 30 min show or listen to music or text with her friends for awhile before she turns out the light.

She's a good kid. A hard worker. And she demands a lot from herself. I'm not piling onto that, but I'm also not ignoring any chores she was required to do previous to now... she still has those responsibilities. But if she comes home and needs to just become a zombie in front of the TV, I'm not going to stop her at this point. Warmer and longer days are coming soon, and when they arrive, I'll encourage her to take a walk or do some physical exercise outside in the late afternoon hours. But for now, I think it's ok that she takes care of herself mentally.

Perhaps you can establish some timelines with your husband so this is less of an issue for him. A family timeline/schedule if you will. From X until Y is personal time. From A to B is time for doing chores/picking up/ helping with dinner as needed, etc. From W to X is homework time. And so on. Remind husband that when he first walks in the door, he likes to be greeted, and have some time to decompress, maybe change clothes, have a glass of something to drink, glance at the paper, chat with you, whatever--- before you start in on him needing to do this or that to help, or "the trash needs to go out" Or "Did you see the bill that came today?" or whatever.

Kids are people, too.

-- ETA
Oh, I also have a senior. He works 22 or so hours per week after school at an auto shop. He often doesn't get home until 6:00 or 6:30. He eats dinner, takes care of any homework he has left, and spends most of the rest of it either on his phone (on the sofa or in his room), playing video games (online with friends) or watching Netflix (Seinfeld, Parks and Rec, The Office, etc). He does his chores without complaint, but I don't usually ask much else, except maybe on the weekends.

My teen has after school activities every day. He comes home from activities, eats supper, does a couple of chores, homework, showers. If he has extra time after that he might watch some tv, facetime with a friend or play a video game. If my kids are playing video games I get upset if they don't drop what they are doing when I call them, but if they are doing homework I would prefer them to do the homework. Unless I really needed them right away (emergency).

My two oldest are high school seniors. On days that they're home after school, they pretty-much disappear into their rooms and sleep, do homework, play guitar and take selfies (son), do hair and makeup and take selfies (step-daughter), text, etc. Sometimes my son would lounge on the couch and catch up on a Bruins game that he missed the night before (they are re-broadcast in the afternoon) or SD would zone out to some mindless TV show for maybe a half hour at most. They snack, eat dinner, help clear the table, sometimes watch their younger siblings if necessary, etc.

Most days, they have something to do - hockey games or practices 6 days a week, work, school clubs, volunteer obligations, etc. They both work pretty hard and are pretty tired so I more or less leave them be. They do chores on the weekend, and help me out during the week with baby-sitting or cooking if I'm in a pinch.

Ask him to write out what he does after work, when he's at home. Show him the similarities and point out that he gets to leave work at work, they have to bring their work home with them and they actually have a longer than 9 hour day.

He might have a 9 hour day too though, with leaving the house, getting to work, working, lunch, working, coming home, etc...he probably has more free time than they do.

My boys are 10 and 13. Every Tues, Thurs, and Fri they get home from school at 3, do homework, have a snack, then head off to soccer practice from 4-7:30. THey get home, take showers, eat dinner, finish any last bit of homework, and then head off to bed at about 9 where they read in bed for another 1/2 hour before lights out. On Monday and Wednesday they get homework done and then veg out on TV for an hour or two. If it's nice (which, in WA it's nice if it's not raining, and right now that doesn't happen a lot) I send them out to run around outside or at the gym in the cabana. Dinner, chores, maybe some more TV, then off to bed. I figure they are REALLY busy on the other 3 days, I let them relax the other two.
On the weekend they often have a practice or pick up game. We will see extended family. One of those days we spend on chores. They get their laundry done, pick up their rooms, and then one is in charge of kitchen, sweep and mop, and the other picks up the living room and vacuums the room and hallway. During the week one does dishes and the other takes out the trash.
All in all I think they are pretty well rounded! lol

I like Gamma's reply below because she put emphasis in the same place I would -- on your husband, rather than the kids.

He seems to have expectations that they drop things instantly when asked to do something. I expect that too -- when I've just dropped something in the kitchen and it's spreading all over the floor and I need immediate help or there'll be a huge mess; or when I've discovered a leak downstairs and need help that moment mopping it up; or when I'm cooking and have a hot pan to deal with and need something else handled right away....You get the picture. Think about the specific tasks for which you expects the kids to stop and come right away. If they're tasks that are not urgent in that moment, you could talk with him about his expectations. If the kids generally budget their time well as you say, and they also help out with regular chores without complaint, and they do indeed come help him though maybe not instantly -- the issue may be his expectations. If the kids know that dad frequently demands they drop what they're doing but it's always for things that are not urgent--then they've learned that they can put off his calls. They need to re-learn that if dad says, come help right now, it really is something that needs doing right now.

One thing to talk about with your husband: When he was young, did he have to work after school as a teen, or did he have many more chores required of him than your kids do? If so, maybe he (without even realizing it himself) sees their world as easy since in his mind maybe they seem only to come home and have gobs of time to themselves. He may not realize how much homework they actually do, or how much weight that homework has in terms of grades. Something to consider as you talk with him.

I'm not sure that hearing what other people's kids do after school really helps in your situation since every family can be so different. For instance, I know families like yours where the kids have maybe two days a week of activities and otherwise the school days are about getting home, snacking and doing homework and if needed, chores, and then whatever the kids do to wind down. But our family is on the go with our teenager's activity (dance) four to five weekdays and Saturdays, plus a lot of homework. Free time for our teen, and there isn't much, is often spent writing and reading and watching movies at the weekend. And yeah -- I too sometimes yell, "I need you right now!" when it's not really urgent, and am trying not to do that with either my teen or my husband....

On days he comes right home from school, he pretty much disappears to his room and plays his guitar, or goes to the basement and plays video games. I am assuming homework gets done in there somewhere. I hardly ever see him open a school book but he has great grades so he must be doing something right! When the weather is nice he may go out for a run or do soccer drills. He walks the dog and will do whatever I ask, typically putting dishes away, and/or emptying trash and recycle bins. After dinner, same thing happens. He may join us for a tv show a couple times a week.

Whatever they want. At 13 & 17 they are incredibly busy with school/homework, activities, sports and babysitting/work. I cannot compare my childhood to what is expected of teens today. It all seems very overwhelming but they rise to the occasion I suppose.

When they get time to relax it's phone, TV/movie, book, guitar, sleep, beach/woods walk and family time.

hello
My son IF he hasn't already done his homework while at school, does it FIRST.. He, WE look at his main priority right now as being school... Once his homework is complete, he will then practice his music... I will say, this scheduling is all his doing, but it's what works for him. I rarely ask him to do anything before homework because to me, unless it's urgent, it can wait..
After his homework and musical practice is finished, he sometimes goes out with his dad up to a neighborhood where they have a lot of cafes.. There, they chat with friends... My son isn't into electronics, so he then might turn on a favorite show.. Then it's bedtime.. during the weekends, it's different, although IF he has homework that does take priority.. but usually, we find time for other things, including help around the house if need be..

My DD is in 8th grade. She has a snack, then goes straight upstairs into her room and closes the door. I usually don't see her again until dinner unless she has somewhere to be. She works on homework, sits on her phone texting or face-timing with friends, listens to music or watches a show on her laptop. She eats dinner, then usually head back up to her room. On occasion, if she wants to earn some money, she'll walk the dog. In warmer months, she and her friend who lives 2 doors down will take a walk or bike ride together and chit chat.

Homework, practice music, play out on rink, chat with friends/text/facetime, play video games, chores, activities, sports. We don't have too many kids over during the week these days - before (a year or two ago) the kids played with neighborhood kids. I find their friends have narrowed down and they don't have as much in common with the neighborhood kids these days. I think before they would just play - go to park or something - and they didn't have to have a lot in common. Nowadays, they are more into shared interests and talking, etc.

I think junior high is kind of more stressful than elementary school. My kids get up earlier too for the bus. They have more chores and expectations on them. If they need downtime, so be it. I do too.

If your husband expects them to help out more - maybe he's more annoyed by you about the electronics. Some days I get bothered when I see all their heads down. I think most parents would prefer to see their kids out active or playing with friends. My parents used to boot us off the TV or off the phone. I could talk for hours back in the day. I remember my mother unplugging it.