I have mixed feelings on this one so I need to hear your thoughts to help me figure how to best handle this situation. I have a 19 yr old son (away at college) and a 4 yr old daughter. While my son was recently home for Christmas break, he reconnected with a girl he went to high school with. They knew each other or at least of each other in high school but we not necessarily friends back then. They are both 19. My son graduated in 2009 and is now in his sophmore year at college, this girl had quit school to marry her new husband (who was but is not now in the Air Force). After deciding to have a child together and she was expecting, he started cheating and seems to have some real control issues. They have since split and thieir child is about to turn 1 year old. My son started dating this girl (she is very nice and the baby girl is a sweetheart). She and the baby spent a good amount of time with us right after Christmas until my son returned to college. My daughter and the baby really seem to like each other. My thought was that should my son and this girl become serious, I wanted to be sure that the baby never felt slighted because she wasn't really family. We of course had planned to attend the upcoming birthday party. The girl is now giving her husband one last chance. She specifically said we are still welcome to come to the party and her husband is ok with it. I believe that children need as much love and support as possible and should things change, I don't want her to feel that we have rejected her or the baby because of her making this effort. I know my daugter would love to go to the party and the baby really won't remember one way or the other. I also don't think dad will truly be ok with it. What do you ladies think I should do?
I think you are right and we are going to skip the party but we already bought the gift and I intend to drop it off to her before hand (the party is after her birthday). I told her that I understand her trying to make it work (I've been there) and in her doing what she feels is best for herself and her daughter. I think the hard part for me is that I really feel bad for her because her "husband" has her in a tough spot and completely dependent on him (she's young, hasn't finished school, very little family support). The situation was not one that I wanted my son to be in but I would have been a hypocrite to have not supported his choice (I married his dad young and later found myself a young single mom). She is young and made a bad decision and is trying to do the best she can now. Besides, anyone with a teenager knows that the best way to push someone towards someone is to tell them they can't see or be with that person. Thank you for you advice. Just to clarify, they have been separated since before coming back to DE over 8 months ago so my son was not pursuing an "unavailable" woman.
I would not go. If she is really trying to reconcile I do not think a reminder of her new boyfriend would really be very helpful.
Just to be fair and make sure that the mom and the dad get a true shot at trying to make it work, I'd keep some distance. If the marriage doesn't work out and regardless of whether or not your son and this girl date again, then you can re-connect. I just think the mom and sister of the guy she dated briefly, would not be a welcome sight in the home, even if she says her husband is ok with it.
i think the advice you got and your decision are all sound, it's probably best to just drop off the gift and skip the party.
but i just wanted to say what a nice person you are. whether this baby or others end up being your grandkids, they are lucking out.
khairete
S.
I would send a gift and thank her for the invitation, but explain that you could not attend. This way, your daughter can pick out a gift for the girl and the Mom will appreciate the gesture, but none of you have to deal with the awkwardness. if things do not work out, she will know that your family did not reject them. Hope this helps.
I would not go. If she is able to reconcile with her husband, then the baby will be out of your lives forever. If she is not, then the baby will be out of your lives forever unless she becomes serious with your son. In other words, if you daughter will be hurt to have the relationship cut, going to this birthday party only really likely prolongs the inevitable while making the birthday party awkward for the couple. She and your son are very young at 19. I'm not saying that young romance can't last -- my husband and I were married at 20 and 23. I'm just saying that until they get serious, the baby is her and her husband's responsibility and they will have to form the support group best for them.
I'd also keep some distance since the tie is between your son and this girl, wait instead, for that tie to reestablish. However, I'd definitely send a card &/or little gift. That gives the marriage the space it needs while keeping a line of communication open with a girl you obviously like/ care for.
I think that you need to stay away from that party and let them try to work it out. If the time would come where your son would marry this girl I wouldn't worry about making the child feel loved. Sounds like you will do that nicely. But until then I would stay out of it and I would personally be hoping that my son met someone else in the meantime.
Updated
I think that you need to stay away from that party and let them try to work it out. If the time would come where your son would marry this girl I wouldn't worry about making the child feel loved. Sounds like you will do that nicely. But until then I would stay out of it and I would personally be hoping that my son met someone else in the meantime.
you are a wonderful, thoughtful, empathetic, and loving mom.
and you're right to skip the party.
:)
I wouldn't go. Unless your son and she get together again after she divorces, I would steer clear.
A man that is man enough to joyfully "look the other way" and have you at the party would never cheat on, or attempt to control the mother of his child. Send a gift and a beautiful card.
I don't think you should go. I think you and your family should give this girl and her husband every opportunity to make it work. With you in the picture, she knows she has a fall-back should she be considering leaving him again. I would gently tell her that you want to support her in her effort to make it work with her husband, so you will not be attending. Let her know that you are hopeful for them, and that you admire her for trying to make it work. In other words, communicate that you are not slighting her because of this, but rather you support her in it, out of love. If and when she and her husband are truly no longer married, then perhaps your son might consider a relationship with her. But, I truly think it is foolish to go after an unavailable woman. And, is this the type of woman to be involved with, even if she is super sweet and nice? I would be so incredibly hesitant to encourage this one.
