What Do You Expect from Your Husband 12 Years Later?!

Sorry;( Not the norm in this house. We've been married 11.5 years and also have 3 kiddos. We only get to do date night about 2x a month--hubby would love more! He does need reminders sometimes about inside chores, but is pretty good about the dishwasher, picking up toys, washing dishes, taking out trash/recycling.

Once the kids go to bed, he suggests playing a game (cards, etc) or just reading in bed together. I'm usually the one that wants 30 minutes of mindless TV to wind down.

Let him know how you feel. He should be looking out for you! After 11+ years of marriage, I've learned that men are NOT mind readers--oh how I wish they were:)

Have you talked to him about this at all? He might think everything is just fine. If you haven't had a date night lately, maybe this would be a good time to mention some things that you would like to do together. You could tell him that it would be great if one evening next week you went for a walk together or sat outside and had a beer or whatever - just something that the two of you would enjoy that doesn't involve the tv. Or, you could watch tv together. We actually love watching a couple of shows together. We loved Alias, Veronica Mars, Top Chef, The Good Wife. Find a show or two that you both like and DVR it. Then you can watch them together after the kids go to bed.

You have to let him know how you feel, but you also have to have a nice, long list of positive suggestions. People don't want to just hear "Why don't you want to spend time with me." I think he would be much more receptive to, "Hey, do you want a glass of this new wine I just found? Maybe we could sit out side and look at the stars."

Believe it or not, you are not the same as you were when you were first married. :)

it is difficult to see how you change, much easier how they change.

Make sense?

So far as the OB goes, exactly why should he meet the OB? That is your personal decision. I know my ex came to one appointment but I also remember he asked, I didn't need it. We have four kids to give you some idea of the time frame. He was there for the delivery and that was all expected.

I guess in the end if he is working, providing, he is looking out for you.

I think most women give this air of I have things under control, that men don't interfere with that is respect not negligence. They expect that we are like them, see if men need help they ask, otherwise it is understood they got it all under control.

I don't know if in all of this I have answered what you were looking for, I hope so. I do know that when I look at twenty years from now, I don't see anything will have changed except I will move a bit slower.

My husband and I (married 13 years this week, together 25 years next week) are best friends. We don't watch a lot of TV and we do spend evenings doing our own thing sometimes, but we also just love sitting together and reading, chatting, playing games, or being quiet. He goes through cycles at work where his work comes first and foremost over everything, including his own health and personal interests. He doesn't always have time to listen to me when he's stressed. But when the stress is lower, the kids and I come first for him. The way you describe your husband sounds nice -- other than turning on the TV, it doesn't sound like he's out with buddies and neglecting you. Have you offered him alternatives to turning on the TV? Are there things you wish he would do with you? Sometimes I just grab a game or pull out a book to share. If there are things you want him to do to feel closer, perhaps you should talk with him (if you haven't). But I think some level of independence is to be expected.

It might be time to start "dateing" again. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but a "date" night could really help things I think. You don't have to go out, but setting a side a night or two a week to do something as a couple might be a good idea. Rent a movie, find a two player board game, go for a walk. Anything, so long as you're both doing it together.

Also talk to him, tell him you miss him. The boy can't read your mind, he's in his comfy place and not likely to want to come out unless he knows something is wrong. Get out of your routine, make a new one.

Communication!

Become his girlfriend again. Make over him like you did while you are dating!

One of the best things that my husband and I did was to take Bradley classes during my second pregnancy. The classes are once a week for twelve weeks, plus there was homework, so we were obligated to work together. It was a great way to get him involved in my pregnancy (yes, mine, not ours, that is crazy-talk, lol) without dragging him to every 15 minute, weight blood pressure, yes-I-am-fine appointment. In fact, this post has me thinking that we should take a community college class together...hmmm...
We are bad about date nights, probably get "out" 1-2 times per month, and we definitely spend a lot of evenings watching TV once the kids are in bed. I have found that watching cooking shows and things like American PIckers get us talking. We have been married 12 years as of this past summer. But when we have time alone in the house, sans kids, there are definitely some shenanigans happening :)

I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a bit of a slacker, and I suspect he has always been a bit of a slacker, right? Just from the way you describe his "not pitching in" attitude around the house.

You're his wife, not his mother.
Do you "take care" of everything for him, so he doesn't have to? Stop!

For example, my husband is over 50, he has always been a hustler, go-getter and a mover and a shaker. He was 15 years ago and he is today. I think people's core personality tends to stay the same over the years.
Life changes, responsibility changes and grows, but the basics of a person and their character and ethics stay the same, don't you think?

I don't have to "ask" my husband to do anything. He sees what needs done, and does it.

He start working (physically demanding job) at 4 or 5 AM and it's not uncommon for him to finish mowing the lawn at 8PM. Sure, he's tired, but he takes care of his responsibilities.

Sooooo....give your husband some responsibilities and DON'T do them FOR him. The LET him do them, in his way, in his time...even if it drives you NUTS!

I like the suggestions of going on a date and changing things up a bit for you guys.

To answer your question... We have been married over ten years and have four kids together, and no, it isn't the same for us as it is for you. I've grown a bit overwhelmed (being a SAHM and having 4) so I frequently seek more alone time than I used to. BUT, my husband's interest, close-ness and admiration of me has grown beyond what I thought it could get. he's MORE interested in me and says I just keep getting ,more and more beautiful (mind you, I have the "had four pregnancies" belly and have gained a bit more weight- he's very NICE to me. LOL). I ADORE my husband, and I'm sure I could show him the same admiration, but being around ONLY kids all the time makes me take way more time to unwind and relax, and therefore I don't give my husband ALL the attention I'd want to give him.

We still have basically 3-4 hours a night, awake, and alone from the kids after they go to bed. We snuggle, and talk and have a nice time, but I always find the "M. wheels" are still spinning by the time I go to bed most of the time. I'm still very attracted to him, still love him dearly, we have a great sex life, I just wanna be able to relax more quickly and more often so I can have no distractions and have me and my husband 100% quality time:) But, I think when the kids are a BIT older, they will be less demanding/more independent, and I might be able to do a non-kid related activity/job/hobby that can be my "outlet" so I can mentally relax and be totally and completely content.

Everyone is different and every marriage is different ( I have yet to know any of my friends who have any where near a similar relationship that my husband and I have)- just sounds like you need to get out and renew the spark:)

I think it is normal to fall into routine (also referred to as a "rut"). The fact that your routine is he watches TV and doesn't help around the house is just a side note. If you are unhappy with your routine, then you need to talk with him and work with him to change it. But we ALL fall into routines. Make the routine something that you feel good about. THAT is the "secret".

My husband watches TV too. But not every waking moment. Not by a long shot. He has certain programs he enjoys (and then there is football season.... ). But he takes care of the lawn (and makes our son help), he runs regularly, he works out, he swims, he plays with the kids outside, he takes the dog out for playtime, he helps with the laundry, he grills whatever I ask him to, he comes up with stuff to do in our "off" time (concerts, dinner with friends, inviting family for holiday get together/BarBQ)... He even changes the sheets on the bed!
I don't ASK him to do any of these things. It is OUR routine. When he notices laundry piling up, he starts a load. When our bed hasn't been changed, he'll strip the sheets when I am in the shower. When I am debating what to make for dinner, he offers to grill it.

The OB thing... mehh.. that depends on you and him. I never felt like I needed my husband at the appointments. Not until near the end and our daughter was lying breech, and we were discussing external version versus C-section, anyway. He did come to some of them. He likes me to go with him to doctor's appointments (usually he isn't feeling well if he is going to the doctor!) so he thought I would want that from him. Not really. I mean, I didn't care. Sure it was nice, but I felt guilty, because I didn't NEED him to not be doing whatever else, whether it was work, having to rearrange his shift so he could go with me, or missing a golf game, or whatever. I was fine. It was kinda weird to have him sit in the lobby while I peed in a cup, ya know? And why? Why did he need to do that? He didn't.

If you want your husband there, then ask him to come. My husband was there are the most important times (labor/deliver, major decision making, taking me for the gestational diabetes thing... ewww). The rest... really would have been a waste of his time, in all honesty. It didn't "do" anything for me. Maybe it does for YOU. If so, TELL him.

But the rest... it is just a rut. Change the rut/routine to something you'd be happier with. And remember, we all go through cycles in our marriages. Because both parties are changing over time.

This is what my sister complained to me. She was sick, vomiting because of virus and the husband was too busy with his blackberry, android and TV. Her kids was not bathed, and they didn't eat enough till my sis get well.
My mom said that gadget makes people very faraway. Bored with kids? Turn on TV. What's going on now? How's the match going?
I'd say let's get rid of the gadget, take him for a quality time with you and kids, promise to focus more on family not superficial things. Let him know what he has been missing, togetherness with his beloved.
Also, don't forget to check the others: get a shower, put on nice clothes, put a smile and pray :)
I hope it works. Amen.

I always like to answer the subject line...here it goes. GAS!

Yep, that about sums it up. I've also been married for almost 12 years, and we have three kids. We are both totally immersed in parenting and what needs to be done to run our family that we have almost zero time for each other. Most of my friends are in this place in their lives and marriages as well. I think it's pretty normal.

if you don't like it change it=)
go on dates and do some fun things. go to concerts, sporting events, weekend trips without kids and so on...find something fun to do that isnt kids or tv
as for the ob, I think unless you told him you wanted him there how would he know you needed it? The only thing i would think is crappy is if he didnt even bother to go to the ultrasound. when my ex and i were first pregnant I went by myself at 12 weeks and they did a "J. for fun" ultrasound and I found out the babies heartbeat stopped, it was crappy, I had to walk home alone after hearing this...after that when I was pregnant and high risk again I communicated that I needed him there out of fear that would happen again and he did come to every appointment..but if I didnt ask he wouldnt have even thought of it

there is no "norm". life is what you make of it, and each life is vastly different.

in my case our marriage is stronger than it's ever been. but it started out pretty crappy, i can admit that now. i have come to expect a lot more from my hubby, as he has grown and matured a LOT in the last year. he has really turned his attitude around and it's awesome.

but i still don't expect him to take the trash out regularly, or be 100% patient with our son 100% of the time. he's not perfect. but a combination of me giving a little, and him giving a little...and we are happier now than we've ever been. we have been together for 12 years and married for 11.

honestly, your hubby is who he is. we spend so much time examining their shortcomings, sometimes we don't realize that if we'd just relax our grip a little, accept that he's not perfect and never will be, and embrace the good things about them, we'd be a little happier and life would go a little more smoothly. once i realized that i wasn't perfect either, i was able to allow him to be imperfect too.

so you have to ask him continually. at least he does it. so accept that that is how his mind works. ask him. nicely, using your manners, just as if you were at work. not whining, complaining, or nagging. just ask. accept that this is how he is. you'll be happier, and so will he.

then sometime when you're NOT annoyed with him for not doing things like you'd like him to, bring it up in a non-confrontational, non-nagging way, and see what he says. maybe there is a compromise you can both agree to. but don't pin your every life's happiness on whether he becomes the man you would like him to be. it probably won't happen.

I think it is healthy to make a 5 yr plan each phase and re-cap on how you can better your relastionship and what needs to be worked on or goals you have for one another. I think it is healthy to date as much as you can and have conversation on the future. I believe all spouses should have expectations of how to meet the needs of your spouse in a reasonable way .

My hubby watches a lot of football and tv. I would have no tvs at all because we are in the same boat.

My girlfriend and I were just talking about this too. (married 15 years). It seems like in our younger years there is something to look forward to everyso often ie: graduating highschool, turning 21, going to college, getting married, buying a house, having kids and then BAM ---NOTHING until retirement. We are in a long stretch of just getting by, midlife crisis of sorts? Not sure what to do about it, but right now my husband is so focused on his career/work that we hardly see him and his stress level is crazy. Not too much fun. But I'm in it for the long haul and hope that things will change sooner than later.

Hi N.,
I have been married for 14 years, we got married at 35, and still we are raising our kids (12,6) instead of playing with our grandchildren as probably many couples are doing at this age. I do most of the things in the house and he works very hard the whole week. My husband helps but I ask him very clearly what I need from him. I learned time ago how to tell him nicely what I need, how I feel and give him the chance to help me in the way he knows, I mean he will do everything in a totally different way and that is OK and I show him how much I appreciate his ideas and the way he helps me. My husband only met my OB just because my last pregnancy was very delicate and risky, but I don't think that is important, sorry; what is important is the way you show to him, not always verbally, what you need, what you feel and listen to him he will appreciate it, believe me, and he will "reply" the same way.
If you feel that you are not at the top of his list, then what is he doing with you during these 12 years? It is true that men think and feel totally different from woman; of course there are a few jewels out there who think like us.....
Finally, I just expect from my husband a more mature love, long lasting support and lots of smiles and sharing. He has changed and I have changed internally and externally, so we talk openly and clearly, and we enjoy what we are and have today.
Be happy..he loves you....