Help, Advice, and Support

I agree with you! I have been in my relationship for 10 years but only been married for 2 of them. My marriage is hard because we have a bonus family and it takes a lot of work to stay committed. I think that you just have to remember that a marriage isn't easy, it takes a lot of effort and work on a daily basis to stay focused on what you truly want. I also think that husbands and wives need to keep their marriage alive by having date nights and alone time with out the kids, because often times the marriage takes a back seat to the kids and it shouldn't. Keep things alive and have fun!

I remind myself over and over again of his good qualities, and try really hard to not think about the bad stuff. Married (not quite so happily) for 7 years.

It's not easy. My husband and I are going on 12 years and baby number 4 is almost here. Sometimes I can't love him more and other time I want to strangle him. Try spending a few minutes alone, watching tv or just lying in bed. Do something just the two of you, holding hand on a walk. It amazing how the little things seem to rekindle the spark. Good luck.

K. and Sarah,

Hello! I have been married for almost 11 years. I have 3 boys ages 9, 5, and 8 months!! I am a stay at home mom, I work at home as a respite worker for my niece and I run an at home business.....my husband works 2 jobs as well. The reason for me telling you this is because life is hectic and everyone is busy.....however, you have to find time for each other. Every morning when you wake up is a choice that you make to love your spouse. Don't confuse that with being in love. You won't be "in love" with your spouse everyday of your marriage, but that is different than loving the person you are married to. Remember to always try to find time to be with each other. Go on a date or if you don't have child care arrange something that you can do at home like a date after the children go to bed. Finding time to be in love is part of the battle. Remember why you fell in love with that person in the first place. Marriage, like motherhood, is work....but worth it.
I hope this helps, even if just a little bit.

L.

I am a stay at home mom of a 7and 8 year old boys and have been married for over 11 years.

It has not always been "happily" married and has not always been easy. In fact, 4 years ago, I had paperwork ready to fill out and was looking at apartments to move into. My mom and I went out to dinner and she gave me to following advice...and it worked.

1. Get OUT OF THE HOUSE! Go to the gym, go out with friends, do something apart from the home.
2. Every night, when hubby gets home from work, get out a bottle of wine and some cheese, send the children to watch a 1/2 hour of TV, and talk/connect with your spouse.

For me, the first one was easy to do. Not only did I start to feel more like a grownup, I also lost 12 pounds. :) The second part was not as easy. For 2 weeks, my husband and I drank the wine, ate the cheese and just painfully waited for the timer to go off. We never said a word to each other; we barely looked at each other. Then, after 2 weeks of doing this, my husband had a really good day at work and shared it with me. I must have been in a good mood because I listened to him and we started talking like we hadn't in a long time. When the timer went off and the kids came running up to us, we sent them back to watch more TV and he and I talked for another hour. For 6 months, he and I sat down EVERY night when he got home and we started repairing our friendship and our marriage.

Life with him has been SO much better since then. There is no more talk of the "D-word" (divorce) and we make sure we take the time to sit down and talk if there is something bothering us or if we just need to share about our day.

Marriage CAN BE difficult. Find a way to get what you need but also to GIVE what your spouse needs. Good luck and God bless.

So much great advice already posted... don't get overwhelmed, just pick your favorite 1 or 2 tidbits and go from there. :) Here's my 2 bits (actually 5) on the subject:

My husband & I received some awesome advice when we got married, and we've been super happy because of it. The key is that both of us CONSISTENTLY try to be our best. Here's what helped us most:

A) Put your spouse first, yourself second. I know this sounds 1950's-ish but we've discovered that the more our spouse does for us, the more we want to do back for our spouse. I never worry because I know my husband always puts me first. Likewise I have no problem putting him first. Charity builds love & happiness; selfishness destroys it.

B) Date often! ***Remember you were a couple before you were parents. Don't feel guilty about putting your marriage first before the kids, because a strong marriage is the foundation for a happy home. My hubby & I have a date every Friday night; it's as important to us as eating and sleeping. (sometimes our date is a rented movie and cuddling on the couch, or a bike ride around the neighborhood) If you're tight on cash like we are at times, try googling creative/inexpensive date ideas.

C) Try to get away together (short trip) even once a year. My husband and I save a tiny bit from each paycheck specifically for this... we can only go once a year and we mostly do small local trips but it's so worth it!!

D) Set ground rules you'll both stick to... a couple of ours include: when on dates, we don't answer our cell phones; don't say anything about your spouse that you couldn't say if they were there with you; our spouse comes first over all other family matters. (Sometimes that means being late or missing appointments but we feel our marriage is much more important than a birthday party, movie, or night out with friends.)

E) A great book that helped my husband & I meet eachother's needs: (so he knows that I need quality time, not expensive gifts) "The Five Languages of Love". Also a fun one is "How to Make Love w/ your Clothes on...101 ways to romance your husband [or wife - there's 2 versions]."

Good luck & make sure to have FUN!!!!

I think when people state that they are "happily married" it is just a lot easier than to say I have been married for four years to a great man that drives me crazy most of the time! Of course it's hard and anyone who claims to have a perfect marriage is either lying or kidding themself. It is something you have to constantly work at (it is like living with a co-worker!) The best advice I would give is to make time for eachother. Not just a night at the movies (although that is a good start) but rather a weekend away. Maybe just rent a local hotel room and sit by the pool together all weekend. Also, get some hobbies that both of you enjoy...bowling, biking, crossword puzzles, anything. And lastly, the sex part. Yikes! I know you are a stay-at-home mom with four kids and the last thing you want to do is even think about the "s" word. But seriously it goes a long way in keeping your relationship strong. People, but especially men need that physical contact. Well, I hope I have helped you. Please don't think I'm in a perfect marriage! I have been married for 11 years and they have had wonderful times and really sucky times too! Just keep on truckin'!!!!

I feel the same way you do. Marriage is difficult I have been married 12 years and I would say 11 of them have been trying. The only thing that has kept me going is prayer. I've found though since we've had children it is really important to try to have a date night at least two times a month to keep you connected to each other. We let our selves get so busy with what we have to do each day we sometimes become overwhelmed. And you need a break for yourself to refocus and it helps make you a better mother and wife. I had to demand those things, but it's made things a little better. I think it helps me not get so frustrated with him. And it also lets him see how much you do when they have to take care of the house and children, when they see what you do it makes them appreciate you more. Your husband is the partner you chose for life and it takes serious work even when you don't feel up for the challenge.I know it's hard, but its worth it. I'll be praying for you.

I'm probably one of those "happily married" people, but it's a choice I make every day. when my first husband and I divorced, it was a time of reflection and it became very clear to me what was and what was not acceptable for me in a relationship/ in a partner. I also had to accept that being in a relationship with any man is challenging. in my experience, men are limited. they are not like us. and to be with them means to know this and accept it. I can't expect my male partner to think like I do.
a year after my divorce, I met my (current) husband and after our first date we knew it was something special. 2 months later I moved from MA to AK to be with him and less than a year from the day we met, we were married. it hasn't been easy, to say the least. we are from completely different backgrounds and have completely different temperaments. it's like we are "wired" completely different! plus, he has 2 children from a previous marriage and his ex is a nightmare, to say the least. it's a constant effort on both ends. marriage is not easy, it's hard work. but work is not a bad thing. in the beginning, we even attended professional counseling to help communicate better. I think we needed a "referee" or an impartial 3rd party to translate what the other was saying. but we are very committed to our marriage and proclaimed from the beginning that divorce is not an option this time!
so when I say I am "happily married" it is absolutely true. but it is far from effortless! lol
I think the fact that you have been married for 10 years and have 4 children is a testament to your commitment. keep working at it, remember why you fell in love in the first place, make time for just the 2 of you (like a date night), basically do whatever it takes :0)

Hi K.,

After reading your request, I just had to respond. I am at home mom of four kids, girl 8, boy 6, boy 3 in April, boy, 9 mos. My husband and I have been married for 11 1/2 years. I enjoy all of the things that you mentioned but find little time or opportunity at this point in my life. I have always found marriage hard. Before we were married we both thought it would be a piece of cake. We were so wrong. Not only that but each year has been more difficult, I think especially with the addition of each child. But, I have also found each year to be better and more wonderful if that makes any sense. I have never been happier in my life. I can see the ways that we have grown up and grown together. I came into marriage with a lot of baggage, namely my innability to communicate, a complete ignorance of healthy relationships, a bunch of deep hurts, and a big problem with forgiveness. Our first year was basically a nightmare. We are still far from having a perfect marriage, but we have no intentions of giving up. I have been deeply discouraged at times, but still have a strong belief that anything can be fixed. I don't know if I can truly help you except to be someone who understands and to encourage you to not let go of the awesome gift that you have been given, your family.
Our first years of marriage brought about a lot of hurt and unforgiveness between us. So the first thing that I would say is to just forgive anything he's done that has hurt you, if you can't then talk to him about it. Chances are he's forgotten or never realized that he hurt you in the first place. I have also realized that most of the times I get offended by something he does, it is usually because I don't understand him. I have been learning to swallow my pride and respectfully ask what he really meant or why did he do that or did he really mean this. I have found that what most gets in the way of being close and having a loving relationship is unforgiveness. It will also be the thing that gets in the way of you wanting to be loving and close to your husband.
I also find it very difficult but necessary to talk to my husband about my needs and the needs of my children (since it hurts me deeply when their needs are not met). I have found through much failure that it is not best to do this when you are hurt and upset, because it never comes out well. I think that it is important to always speak respectfully and in love to my husband. Otherwise I can tear him down and push him away. I think the best idea is to seek to understand him and ask him for whatever your heart desires. He loves you. If he didn't he wouldn't have married you and he wouldn't still be there. I find that my biggest enemy is lies and the biggest of them all is the one that says that he doesn't love me. The quickest way to find out the truth is to ask him. I don't think they or even we realize how important it is for us (as women) to always know and understand how they feel about us. In my marriage this is like a rock for me, my foundation. When things are messed up between my husband and I, I am a mess and nothing goes well for me until I straighten things out with him.
Finally one last thing that I think is important is to spend quality time together. We love to watch movies together, but this isn't always quality time. We like to play games together, I find that this allows for good conversation. We like to have dates nights, but they aren't always doable, so we slip away for coffee whenever we can. We have recently joined the Y. It has something for each one in our family and we are working out together. I'd rather be hiking or doing something outdoors, but reality is that we live too far from a hill and a few other reasons would keep us from doing this regularly. Anyway, in just a week we are both feeling better physically and mentally, spending quality time together and it seems like it is doing something for those loving feelings.
I think that it is also good to invest some time in ourselves if we're not getting enough. I find myself feeling wornout and used up after taking care of the family. So, I think that it's good to make sure that your needs are being met as well. I think that this can do wonders for you to be ready to pour out your love on the kids and your husband everyday. Love is an action therefore it is work and sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it just flows out of us and sometimes we have to push through the times when we don't feel like it. Focus on the good things that are happening in your life and think of ways that you can express love to your children and your husband. If you can't think of ways, ask them what you can do that would show them love or ask them how they know that you love them.
I hope all the best for you and your family.

Kindest Regards, C.

Hello K.,
My name is L. and I'm 44 yr. old, married for 13 years, with 3 young children, and we've certainly had our bumps in the road. You've gotten so much great advice that I'm just going to tell you that it wasn't until about 2 yrs ago, when we starting attending an awesome church and learning more about what God expects of us individually in our marriage, that we really started enjoying each other like we did in the very beginning. I learned to work on myself and stop focusing on my husband's failures. My husband did the same and, though we still fail occasionally, our marriage has never been better. We have a higher level of respect for each other and once you start to turn your thinking around, the actions follow and marital life can be so extremely wonderful. Our children are now in a much more loving environment and they are learning from it. I wish you nothing but love and success. E-mail me anytime at ____@____.com Bless you and your marriage. Sincerely, L.

There are some GREAT responses here - but I'll try to add another.

My husgand and I met almost 20 years ago. We've been married for 15 and have 2 little girls (7 and 2). When I was a kid, my parents were separated for 3 years - the only reason they didn't get divorced is because my Dad just never got around to signing the papers. This is just so you can get a feel for me.

I am "hapily married" but, it's because I choose to be. I think that people watch TV and/or movies and read books that all end with "happily ever after" and think that is how life really is and that there is no effort involved. And that's wrong.

Every morning, I get up early and have an hour alone. I eat breakfast, I surf the net, I make coffee, and I shower. This is my "me time" and I need it for my sanity. Because at 6:30, things start getting nuts and I've got demands on me from everywhere (every Mom does, I think). My "alone time" centers me - it lets me be me for a little while.

My husband and I had some hard times and I thought about divorce. But, that seemed like quitting to me, and I've never been a quitter, so I would jump back in and go again.

So, I started to look for the good things in our relationship and about my husband. My guy is not actually thoughtful nor is he romantic. No thinking ahead for him - my guy is the dude out at the grocery at 9 p.m. on Valentiene's Day muttering "Crap, I forgot to get something for my wife". So, anything he does that is nice is great!

I tell you that to say that it's not the huge romantic gestures that are the important ones. Sometimes, when he goes to get a lottery ticket, he will bring me my favorite candy bar. I know that may sound silly, but that shows that he's thinking of ME, and it is a way for him to show he cares.

We have time to talk. When he comes home from work every day, I ask how his day was. I used to get bent that he didn't respond in kind. But, again, something that he has had to learn. It also took him YEARS to say something other than "ok" but with a lot of prying from me, we've progressed.

My Mom used to call him a stick in the mud. And, he was. My siblings, parents and I are pretty physical (we wrestle over everything!) when we're together and we laugh over EVERYTHING! My husband has only is the last year gotten to the point where he will joke back! He's probably still a stick in the mud, but he's getting there.

My mother went to see a counselor when I was in my teens. She was depressed and needed to talk to someone. This was a Christian counselor and he told her this: "Everyone thinks that the family that prays together stays together. That's not entirely true. I've found that the family that PLAYS together stays together." So, we goof off some. We used to play card games before bed. But now that we have kids, we wrestle some and tease A LOT.

I know these things don't sound like much, but they are important. And I can honestly say I'm more happy now than I've been since our first year of marriage.

I wish there was some magic words to say. I think that what works to make one marriage happy is not always what will work for the next marriage. And, I think that sometimes we get a "the grass is greener..." attitude. I guess my suggestion would be to read all the responses and to pick things that sound like you can do them and try it. You've been married 10 years - for a lot of people, that's forever!

One last thing. Hubby and I have gone thru years where we were just roommates. You know, we live in the same house. We didn't really talk - or if we did, it was like pulling teeth. I think every marriage has times that are not the "happily married" times. Just take the time to sit with your man and tell him what's going on with you - you might be surprised at his response!

Hi K.!

I understand your feelings and they are totally normal. The mom who said that every day you wake up you have to make the choice again to love your spouse is 100% right! Making time for your relationship is so very important. Talk about it, make it part of your normal family life that you are taking time to be with your husband away from all the distractions. A happy marriage is not something that "just happens" because two people are SOOO in love. It happens because they make the conscious choice to put each other first through the good days and the bad days. When we say "happily married" you could translate that into "we are successfully fighting the battle not to take each other for granted" or "we have managed to keep anything outside our home from destroying our marriage". It doesn't mean that people haven't struggled, it just means that they feel good about making the struggle together! Don't forget about the great programs like Marriage Encounter. At our church they also have classes for married couples to attend to work on dealing with all life's stresses in ways that don't drag you into feeling isolated from your spouse. Going to church regularly has been one thing that has given me and my husband a chance to get closer. I certainly wouldn't be afraid to share your feelings. Everyone who is married can totally relate to those times when you feel distant and very unromantic.

-Jen

YES, marriage is work. When I was a teenager my mom lovingly told me that marriage takes hard work from both parties. Now that I have been married almost 11 years I know this to be true. I think anything worth having requires work. Anything that comes easily is not usually appreciated.

With that said, I will offer some advise that has worked for me. Take a look at your life and see if it is in "balance". You have four young children. I am sure it is difficult to find time for yourself. I have found that when I am feeling unhappy with things in my life that things are out of balance.

I think this happens to people over and over throughout life. There is always a re-commitment period. I have found that this usually happens after each child (I just found out I am pregnant with #4).

Ask yourself these questions 1) am I actively participating in my religion (if you have one. I find that spitituality really adds to my happiness); 2) Do I take time to exercise on a regular basis (this really affects how I feel about myself, which also affects how I feel about others); 3) Do I eat food that is healthy for my body (also to take are of my body); 4) do I take time each day to think of one thing about my husband I am grateful for.

Think of other things that are important in your life specifically and make sure you take time for them. I know life gets so busy, but when I take time to keep things in balance I find I have more energy and somehow more time.

I hope this helps. Stick it out. Put forth the effort. I have several friends who are now single. That is not a fun life. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.

K., I have been married for almost 8 yrs. I enjoy being married, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know we will continue to have challenges because we are 2 different people sharing the same life. Love is a choice. I choose to love my husband. I choose to tell him that I am proud of him & I still choose him. I choose to show him my love for him in my actions & words. We do argue, but always resolve it which helps to build our love for each other. We know the good, the bad & the ugly of each other, but chose to make each other life long partners with our vows. However, we still have to make that choice every day. So, all that to say, everyone has difficulties in marriage... we just focus on the good rather than the bad. Blessings, C.

I think marraige is the hardest most frustrating thing I have ever had to do, but it is also the most rewarding thing. I have been married to my husband for over 12 years now and it has been an uphill battle a lot of the way, but I also know that it would be that way with anyone because we are all human and we are all selfish by nature, so I would way rather invest in the father of my children and the man I chose before God to love.

Maybe you and your husband could sit down and make goals together. Try getting on the same paths in life. I've always tol my husband,"Communication is key to every relationship!" Maybe you too could have a night where you just talk, catch up on what brought you two together in the first place. My husband and I love to play 20 questions, where you ask whatever questions and they have to answer them, it's fun! I too am a stay at home mom of 4 in your same age group, an 8 year old girl, a 6 year old girl, a 4 year old boy and a 19 month old boy. We live in Arizona, we moved from our home town of san diego california, where my family still is. My husband works border patrol. Anyways, if you need someone to talk to I love to scrapbook, LOVE Photography, reading, camping and love anything crafty! Love to watch my kids in their activities. And I also volunteer lot of my time helping out my 2 girls' classes at school and grade papers. And I daycare! If you want to chat let me know we could hook up over instant messenger on yahoo! By the way, My name is A. and I'm 26! Hope thi was of some help!

Hi K.,

It looks like you have gotten a lot of great responses. First of all I have been married for almost 17 years. The first seven or so were not great and we almost divorced twice.

The problem in our marriage was that we were immature and not working together to make the marriage work we were young when we married. Marriage is very HARD if you are both not working to make it happy. It takes lots of compromises and doing things for each other just because.

I think someone else said this as well, you can start doing things just for him. It does not have to be much. Maybe just a note to say I love U etc. Hopefully he will start reciprocating. If you are having fights, communication is a huge must. You have to know what is bothering each other if you want it to be fixed or try to compromise.

Me and my husband loved each other enough that we wanted to work it out and the last ten years have been great. We do not always get along, but we argue, work it out and try not to take things personally. Hang in there. Also, church is good and helps sometimes to change people. My husband is not a church goer but does believe in God so it can work even if your husband and you do not attend.

Hi K. I can't speak for the other happys and wonderfuls ,but I Hear Ya!! I'm married for the 2nd time after 18yrs with a BOZO. We had 4 beautiful children that I would die for any day and ,BOZO was the best Lamaze coach ever(about his only saving grace).Back to your question.Struggling to keep close to a husband with 4 children is understandable.You are taking care of babies!! My advice to you is to find a great babysitter and make time for you and hubby alone weekly.Include time in those outings to just talk about the two of you and your feelings about your relationship.LISTEN to him AND have hom listen to you.If I was guilty of anything in my first marriage it was being so caught up im my 4 babies that I really did put my friendship with my BOZO on hold. The babies always came first....So in this second marriage I make time to reconnect with HONEY everyday and it works!!Eight yrs later it is still working

I think that everyone who is married knows how hard it is. No one ever promises that marriage is going to be easy, and you're not going to feel those loving feelings all of the time. It is a choice you must make every day to love your husband, and the same goes for him. Sometimes we make the right choice, and sometimes we don't. The key is communication, all the way. Our church offers a great class called Dynamic Marriage. I admit that my husband and I haven't yet been able to take it, but I know many that have who have had nothing but wonderfully positive things to say about it. Here is some info on it if you're interested... http://www.fdiproducts.com/dmc/index.php?ref=vowsavers Don't worry. You're not alone in how you feel.. If it is really bothering you, I recommend that you have some one on one time with your husband to talk to him about your feelings. Also, be sure to make time for yourselves. Have date nights as often as you can get away (with 3 kiddos, I'm assuming that probably doesn't happen too often). And always put your marriage before your children. That is the primary relationship in the household, so make sure it is not neglected. One other recommendation I have is a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, Ph.D. It is a great book teaching how to speak your spouse's love language to "fill their emotional love tank". Maybe you and your husband can read it together as a bonding experience. Sorry this is long and rambling. Just wanted to offer a few suggestions. Above all, just remember that what you are feeling is totally normal. Hang in there!

Duh!! :) Yes of course marriage is hard Some books that have helped me and our marriage are:
THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE BY GARY CHAPMAN &
FOR WOMEN ONLY what you need to know about the inner lives of men By Shaunti Feldhahn

K.,

You're not the only one who struggles. Marriage is work.
My husband and I will lay in bed and just talk sometimes. Having an open conversation with each other about your wants really can help. Sometimes the smallest things can mean the most. Hang in there.

B.

I was lucky enough to marry one of my best friends from high school. Despite that, let no one fool you... marriage is very hard work!!! And most of it falls on the wife to keep it "happy." I try to focus on the positives. So many times we can rattle off all the things that make us nuts about our spouse, but have trouble thinking of the good things. Try to remember WHY you were married. I also use my friend's sense of humor, she says my husband's role is to make all the other husbands look good! =)

Yes K.,
Marriage is hard work. I think those that have 4 wonderful yrs etc...can say the same. Marriage is not feeling in love every day that's for sure! It is however in my opinion, a commitment to your husband and family. I don't know how much he works or what else is making you feel this way, but find a babysitter every few weeks and take a day or night just for the two of you where you don't discuss kids or problems. Just have fun doing something you both like to do. It would also be a good idea to know what his feeling are on this. Does he feel like it is hard work too?

Hi K.,

You've gotten some really great responses so far, I agree with all of them. Marriage (just like any close relationship)is work, but worthwhile work. And I agree that anyone who is married knows that some days are better than others. It's that long term perspective that helps...realize that the bad days won't last if you put in effort and try.
I think marriage gets harder with children, so congrats on being the mom of 4!!!
There's a great website/organization whose purpose is to help people stay happily married...you may want to check it out (the marriage quotes are fun!): www.smartmarriages.com
Hang in there! A.

I married my husband in 2001, had two great kids, and got divorced when they were 1 and 3 years old. For 8 years I raised the kids with help from their dad, but ultimately we got back together. We've been remarried now for 2 years. Marriage is HARD! Our marriage is better now than ever, but anyone who says it's happily ever after is either extremely lucky, or most likely, just a very optomistic person. Don't worry that you struggle. Men are men and women are women and how we ever cohabitate is a miracle that only God can make work! Keep praying and talking to your friends. I guarantee everyone has their issues. Hope this helps a bit!

K., I would suggest dating. No, not other people but eachother. I've been married for 7 years and about to have our fourth child in a few days. Sometimes it's hard to make time to be just husband and wife without being Mom and Dad at the same time. So I say pick a night each week and set it aside for the two of you only. Even if you're staying in with a movie after the kids go to bed, or anything else you might find enjoyable. =0) At first we found that all we did is talk about the kids but after a few dates that subsides and you can rediscover who you and your husband are as people and as a couple. It really can strengthen your relationship and your self esteem. I hope this helps!

I think you're probably more honest than most. Marraige IS hard... and kids make it harder (and you have your hands full with four!!) I think staying at home full time makes it even more of a challenge. Your husband gets to have a respite every day he goes to work. My best advice is to be open and honest with him about how stressful your days are and things you might like to do together (with just him.) I know the guilt rears it's ugly head when you think about wanting to have time away from your kids... but as I've been told from a number of sources (including a professional therapist) it's absolutely VITAL to a marriage! Try to make a monthly "date" in which just you and he do something together and try really hard to keep it... just as you would any other important appointment. Good luck!

K. R

Hi K.! Hell yes it's hard!
I was married for 6 years and then divorced- and remarried last July (we've been together for 4 years) I'm 32 so I feel like I've experienced a lot for being (relatively:) young. I have 3 daughters 11, 6, and 2 (the older two are from my first marriage) I adore my husband.....MOST of the time. But there are times when things are REALLY hard!!! We have so much pressure to keep everything running-kids, house, marriage- OH and ourselves!!!! There are times when I resent my husband for getting to go to work, for not seeing everything that (I think) needs to be done, for having the luxury of getting to be grouchy when he's hungry (I'm lucky if I get to sit down for one meal a day!!!) .....I could go on. The point is, I love him more than anything and I have to remind myself that I truly want to be with him. In my experience, there are times when things are great, times when things are ok, and times when things just plain suck (for lack of better word) I used to laugh at the "date night" thing, but I'll tell you- when my husband and I are just crossing paths and don't have time away from the kids to just be together and remember why we love each other, and that we aren't just parents-that we're individuals too- I notice that little spats become big issues and that I feel less and less inclined to kiss or hug him- and my urge for the rest of it goes out the window! AND I CAN'T TELL YOU ENOUGH how important it is to get time away- just FOR YOURSELF!!!!! And resist the urge to feel selfish about it! It took me a long time to learn this but when I don't have alone time, I'm not the best mom, and wife because I loose touch with myself. I do yoga and I am a photographer and I try to do at least one thing, even if it's only for an hour BY MYSELF every week. It doesn't always work out, but even going to the grocery store ALONE can be very relaxing if nothing else. If you'd like to e-mail me, please do!!!! I know how important it is to have people you can be totally open with! My best friends are the ones I can say "I don't like my kids/husband very much right now!" and know that they aren't judging me for it!! No one and no marriage is perfect! I'm ____@____.com sister lives in Utah:) It's so pretty there! Take Care!

I am happy it looks like you are getting some good responses. I thought I could add mine, I have not been able to read all the others so sorry if I am repeating.
I am on if those people that would say "5 years and so wonderful!" now don't get me wrong, we have had our moments. Luckily the good ones out way the bad! My husband and I have been together for 8.5 year (married for 5) and have two wonderful kids, I have noticed that the more stress that is in our lives the more work we both have to put in. (Can't even imagine with 4 young kids- you are doing great)My husband and I have date nights and are really working on sticking to them, so important to have time together/alone. It helps you remember why you are together. I think that is why things are so easy at the begining-think of how much time and how many special things you do together at the begining of your relationship-try and keep that alive! We also really work on our communication, we try to be very open/honest and work through things before they get big/bad. If you are like me I love spending time with my kids- they are my passion. But time away is good for everyone. I would even recommend you doing something for yourself that would leave your husband at home with the kids- (they all will make it-the house just probably won’t stay to clean) I know doing something for myself also makes me see things more clear and it allows my husband to truly appreciate what it is like at home with the kiddos. ( One thing I do that I totally recommend- I go out to dinner with 5 other moms-we try to go once a month, it is nice because we can actually talk with out kids screaming in the back ground and hearing their stories about their kids and husbands help us all feel like we are not alone)
I have read other people say that things that are worth having are always challenging- I would totally agree!! I believe that they are worth the work. (Example- labor)
My only advice is don't forget who you are and really try to take time to work on your marriage. I think too many people get caught up in being parents and once the kids are grown up they realize that they don't have anything in common with their partner anymore! Neither myself nor my husband are the same as we were 8 years ago but we have been growing together (with work) don’t let each other grow apart.
Just rest assure that EVERYONE has to work at it and EVERYONE will go through the hard times, hopefully we all have strong enough foundations that we can make it through.
Congratulations! 10 years means you have been working at it and doing an amazing job. I am sure you are not hearing anything new so; Keep up the great work.
Remember- laugh, play and have fun with all the people you love (not just the kiddos).
Again just want to say great job. Your fellow mommy
N.

I know exactly what you mean! Every time I read those glowing descriptions of marriages I think, "What is wrong with me/us?" Marriage is hard. It is work. It is daily. Loving feelings ebb and flow like the tides. The needs of our children can be overwhelming. Especially when you have four! Wow!! I have one son from a previous marriage and my husband has two teenage daughters from before. We have been married for five years. We are certainly not The Brady Bunch by any means, but we keep on keepin' on. When I feel like we are all in a rut, I try to shake up the routine a bit. The best advice I have ever gotten was to keep one night a week for a 'date night' with my husband. We don't always stick to it, but when we are able to get out alone, it really seems to bring us closer...until we get home to 'face the music' all over again! And so it goes...Hang in there! Let me know if this helped.

Hi K.. I hear ya girl! I didn't get married until I was 40 years old. I was a single mom for about 9 years prior (this child's father is the one I married eventually). My husband and I had been in out of a relationship with each other for 12 years. We decided it was better to live with each other than to live apart from each other. He really is my best friend. Maybe I was single too long or too independent. I don't know but this seems to be a bigger adjustment for me than it has been for him.

I've been talking to my other girlfriends and asking them what it means to be a woman, wife, and mother to them. I've had interesting feedback. I've found so many of us mother our husbands rather than being their wife. I've worked on redefining wife in the past few weeks and it seems to have helped.

I have been happily married for almost 5 wonderful years :) But I agree, marriage is not always easy. My parents have been married for over 26 years and if they've taught me anything, it is that marriage is not always a walk in the park, and that it takes work but is always worth it. I really think that divorce rates are higher today because people give up too easily. There is this false expectation that everything is going to be happy and wonderful all the time and when it isn't, too many people bail. My husband and I have our fair share of disagreements, but I think removing the expectation that things will always be perfect helps a great deal. I know that it is okay to have problems and disagreements and that we will work it out no matter what it may be. If a couple claims to be happy and wonderful all the time, they are only kidding themselves! Don't worry, you are not alone. Other people have wonderfully imperfect marriages as well.

Hi K.-

Marriage takes work, that's for sure. I've been with my hubby for 5 years.
Any time more than one person lives together, there will be conflicts. What was cute or eccentric before you lived together becomes annoying and tired lol, and every bad habit is amplified. It's way easier to love people when they aren't leaving beard hair glued to the sink and the toilet seat up every morning. Not to mention that men are just different emotionally. Their lack of attention to detail in a marriage and a home can come off as, shall we say-inconsiderate.

The only thing we really can do is to communicate (!!!), so that the little things don't simmer until they boil into big things.....and to remember that we aren't perfect ourselves either. Hashing things that bother us out from the get go may be difficult, but letting them fester can drive a wedge deep into a relationship. It's just as important to remain approachable so that the other party can do the same too.

As far as keeping loving feelings alive? I think that's all about perception, how we choose to look at our spouse every day. The newness WILL wear off, so we have to put forth effort to keep our relationships fresh and fun. Try to laugh every day, pick your battles as they are worth, and treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.

I think everyone has bad days (or weeks or months for that matter)no matter how hard they try, just because life doesn't always give us roses. Any time I have a day that I want to smother my dh with a pillow ;), I remind myself that I could have it a whole lot worse with someone else. The grass is almost NEVER as green as it looks from the other side, so I may as well focus on tending the lawn I have.

Best wishes for you K.-and congrats on 10 years...that's a big milestone!

I am one of those happily married types (25 years). I treat my man as if I must compete with all the other women out there. I know he wouldn't stray because I make him happy, but I still act as if he might. I have to admit sometimes it is easier to say something to get back at him or just pretend that I am asleep when he comes to bed, but I have to fight back those selfish tendencies and do what will keep him with me for the rest of our lives. It is so worth it. In response, he treats me like a queen because he knows he is blessed to have me. Remember when you were dating and you kept trying to impress him and then he tried to impress you back? We are still there. I also recommend Dr. Laura Schlessinger's "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."

Well, it seems as though you got a ton of advice. I didn't read all of them, some of very long, but I thought you might like some sympathetic support too.
I, too, have found it almost laughable when I see those remarks. I have been married for a year and a half. We met in Oct 95, my daughter was just 4 but living with her grandparents. We dated and got engaged and broke up April 96 at 23. Five years ago, we got back together. Some of the issues we had back then are still around. I'm still pretty bitchy, he's still pretty lazy. He is forgetful and I am controlling. We fight. The two most common topics that married people fight about are money and sex. And they are at the top of our list too, but we also fight about how we treat each other. Then when the emotions aren't flying, we talk. Date nights are great, even if you have to bring your kids. (Caitlynn is 16 now and we have a new baby 14 months, but we also have my sister and her kids living with us, 14 yo boy and 6 yo girl full time and 12 yo girl part time.) But I've seen that cover up real problems. We have to talk, without arguing, OFTEN about things the other is doing that bothers us. And we have to do it immediately. Otherwise, the irritation just builds up and eventually becomes fighting over something stupid. Sometimes it seems like all we do is fight, or "Talk" to avoid a later fight. But I know that all this work, especially when you add 5 kids, will be worth it later. There will still be work later, but I think even time we work something out it makes it easier the next time. I hope this helps.

Hi K., I love your honesty! I think too many of us like to "pretend" that everything is great. I used to feel that I was the only mom in the world making mistakes and having the feelings of frustration and defeat that I was feeling. To give a little background, I'm married to a wonderful husband of 11 years....don't roll those eyes yet :) He has worked so hard and gives it his all, with that said I think what we've figured out is that each of us has to make the decision when we open our eyes each morning that we ARE going to love one another. I also think we've skipped some major hardships because we have the Lord in our lives (not to say those who share my faith don't have hardships). You have a whole lot of work with four children....no doubt you don't have much time alone with your hubby. I wish you the best, hang in there and focus on the blessings in your life.
Sincerely,
S. (we have three boys 6,4 and 5 months)

Thanks, K., for the reality check! I can relate - relationships are not all fun and games. I love my partner dearly, but we've been having challenges since our 4-mo-old was born... partly due to my post-partum hormones, but also just issues that have come up now and then throughout our relationship (we've been together 6 yrs, and although we live as if married, we are not married). A good friend of mine told me the other day that her counselor suggested she and her husband look at conflicts as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship. That really helped me, especially because when I think about the times we've dealt with conflicts in the past, I can see that we got closer afterwards.

One of my challenges is communicating clearly and quickly about how I feel and what I need instead of letting things simmer. When he responds and I can tell he's trying to make me happy, it reminds me that he really loves me, and this in turn reminds me how much I love him too. I've been thinking about seeing a relationship counselor to help us work through some of the things we keep getting stuck on. I'm trying hard to recognize when he is making an effort, and remind myself that I need to make that effort to reach out to him too. For a while I was getting stuck in a negative attitude and not wanting to meet him halfway - that only made things worse! Now that I have a more positive attitude, we're talking more and we're both happier. We're also having more sex, and that certainly helps guys have a better attitude! ;^)

Of course, a date night now and then can do wonders, and I need to find a way to fit that into my life! Easier said than done with lots of kids (I have 6, including my step-sons). I'd be happy to hear how others manage....

-S.

My husband and I had 3 kids. He traveled a lot, but every Friday night when he was home, we ate our dinner after we put the kids to bed. Sometimes it was simple, sometime elaborate. (We had no money to go out to dinner). We talked without the interruptions of kids. There were times I told him something cute happened and it had been the previous Monday--here it was Friday. This reinforced the importance of our suppers to reconnect. This continued through their teenage years. We have now been married 43 years and we still relish those dinners we said were our "saving grace" during the trying years of rearing children. (I was always a SAHM)

I have had the same thoughts. People saying, "married to the love of my life" and "married to the most wonderful man in the world". My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years and I know he's the one I am supposed to be with and I still get excited when he comes home from work, but marriage is hard! We don't always like each other. In fact, there are a lot of things that we need to work on and we have been trying to work on them for about 11 years! I think that if you have a good foundation and you are constantly "checking your progress", then you are on the right track. You know how a car needs maintenance in order to keep it from breaking down? Well I think a lot of things in life are like that. Marriage needs maintenance work to make sure that you are still on the same page and still have similar goals for your life together. I wish you and me and everyone out there all the best in our life's relationships. A positive attitude is probably your best defense! By the way, I have 5 kids, boy, 11- girl, 8- girl, 6- girl, 2- and girl, 9 months!! And even though being married and a mother is what I've always wanted to do with my life, it can be hard!! But I believe it's the most rewarding thing we will ever do!

Hi, My name is C. and Im 44 and married to a wonderful man. I have 2 beautiful girls, 13 and 3 1/2. We have been married for 5 years and my 13 year old is from a previouse marrage. I have alot of guilt because she feels sad when she has to leave us and go be with her daddy and his 2 boys.
I love my husband and Im a stay at home mom, which I know im bless to be able to stay home with my girls. I do work 3 days a month. not a big deal.
I have a hard time keeping the relationship alive and exciting. My husband goes to bed really early and I stay up and put the girls to bed around 9:oo by the time I go to bed hes alseep and when i get up he's gone to work. We have a really hard time having privite time together. I know this is not good for our marriage at all. So I kmow its not easy.
WE do love each other but its hards at times, I feel so lonely for him. we dont have sex but maybe once a month. sad to say. so your not alone out there. my husband has alot of hunting buddies. I really dont have alot of friends. Im a mommy and a wife I really dont have much time for friend.
but why does my husband? whats up with taht. thats not fair.
Maybe we can support each other via email let me know how things are going for you.
best wishes C.

Hey I totally know how you are feeling I am a stay a home mom & wife what I can do with my illness and my husband is an awesome dad but he's not much of a bread winner for our family so that can really get to ya so I hear you don't feel like your alone.

Please. Ain't NOBODY happy in their marriage all of the time. That is just how they were feeling about their marriages and their husbands that day! I have been married for 9 years in April, and let me tell you, I love my husband ( most days! :0) ), and we generally have a pretty good relationship. But so far, when I count the for better vs. for worse, worse seems to be a little bit ahead. Together we have 3 kids. 1 boy 15(my step-son) and 2 girls ages 7 and 3, and we really have to work at our marriage. And it is very hard. You are two different people with 2 different minds, and now you are supposed to act as 1 being. Often times, the things that bring people together are not enough to hold them together all by themselves. And the longer you are with someone, the more you are going to find out about their habbits and ways that was either not apparant up front, or you just overlooked because you were so in-love. That maybe if you had payed more attention too, you might have thought a little longer and harder about whether or not that was going to be something that you could live with til death do you part.
And when you have young children, you have to make time for the romance happen. It doesn't just happen on its own. Find something that you and your husand enjoy doing together without the kids ( me and my husband still like to watch cartoons!). My mother told me a saying that goes, " what it took to get me, it takes to keep me!" And that is sooo true. But it goes both ways. If that means you have to put the kids to bed early, fix yourself up and pull out that sexy lingerie, then do it! Communicate with your husband, find out what he thinks may spice things up a bit. It may be something simple that you both could do that makes a big difference.

Do you and your husband have a designated date night? I've been married for 23 years and still have little ones at home, and we make sure we do date night each week. We usually go to a movie or dinner or something simple - the other thing we do is take two mini vacations a year, just the two of us - one in January around our anniversary and one in late September - last time we just went to a local hotel for the evening and had quiet time together, we went to a movie, ate out and did some shopping. Also, I recommend the book Love & Respect, it'll change your marriage. God Bless. S. (Gilbert)

Marriage is very hard. there will be days that you look at that guy and think "what was I thinking?" My Husband and I have been for 21 yrs and we are now grandparents. and We work very hard on our marriage. We hold hands when we go out, we have Date night every Friday night, whether it is Hamburgers or Steak. this gives us a chance to talk and be a Couple. We also see about having a Weekend once in a while. that is were we have someone babysitt the kids for the weekend (like Grandma!!),and we go to another town, and remember why we got married in the first place. We also make it a big todo for special Holidays. I get him a special wife gift for his birthday,valentines day, and Father's day and give it to him when the kids are not around. Every marriage needs spice added to it to keep it from going bland.
S.!! We have 5 great kids, 1 son-in-law that we adore(now)and a very adorable granddaughter who is 6 mons.

After 15 years or marriage, I learned that it's not always about me. In fact, I got married because I wanted BOTH of us to be happy. I try each day to look for things that would make my husband happy. Maybe I pick up some berries (his favorite) or a chocolate bar at the grocery store just for him, or I make one of his favorite dinners. Maybe I write him a love note (often by email) just to tell him how much I appreciate him. I find that if I look for ways to show I love him, it makes me love him even more. Even though I have never asked him to, I found that he started reciprocating with similar small acts of kindness as well (like changing diapers sometimes!). These small acts of service help keep the fire burning.

I think it's hard. I would love to see some of the same suggestions.

Hi K....wow you have a lot of responses already. I hope you're not too overwhelmed to welcome one more. :-) I am happily married, but I too struggle with marriage. Sometimes I do want to give up, but it's normal. Marriage is challenging. It's how you deal with it, and grow from it that will make it stronger. Keeping an open communication, and unconditional love is hard. My husband frustrates me with his procrastination, or he doesn't listen, or he'll listen and do his own thing anyway as if what I say doesn't matter. Well that's how I feel. But men do think totally different from us women. They handle things differently. I tend to believe that women are multi taskers, while men have a one way thinker! Slow, and slower...HA HA HA...and they can only do one thing at a time. Most of them. My Dad included. LOL I love my husband with all my heart. Marriage is hard work. You have to "want" the hard work for it to work out, and last a lifetime. :-) I want the hard work...sometimes I don't though. And that's where I struggle. But it's the struggle that I keep working on. :-O I believe as long as my husband and I continue to talk about our feelings, and "accept" one anothers feelings, we will be fine. And so far it workes for us.

WOW FOUR KIDS? I think any mother with more than ONE child is AMAZING!!!! You are AMAZING! I only have one. And I struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can't imagine another. Sometimes I want another baby..then my three year old throws his tantrums and I say, "NO WAY"..HA HA HA HA...

I wish you the best and I hope I've helped some. Take care, and please don't hesitate to email if you'd like to vent some more. It's always nice to have a girlfriend, wheither it be cyber pals, or personal friends to vent to. :-)

I am not sure you will read this far down in the responses, but I hope you do. You have recieved a lot of good advice here. I am also a mother of 4, B,G,B,G, only mine are a little older youngest is 7. I have been married for almost 18 years and the first 6 I would not wish to live through again. That being said , I am committed to God as well as my husband and children, which means I promise not only not to give up but to see and find the joy in my marriage and Family relations. To see the joy in my trials, to recognize that without trial I could not see or experience true JOY! Marriage is difficult at times, but luckily we have control over how we act, react, speak etc.... And our attitude has everything to do with how happy we are. I have a quote on my refrigerator that says " Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you but on what happens inside of you." I love this! Because it helps me remember that I cannot blame another for my unhappiness, I decide! My happiness begins with changes I can make not with what someone else can or should do for me. There are a few books I have read that have helped me discover these things. The scriptures ( King james Bible and the Book of Mormon), The Peace Giver by James L. Ferrell and Bonds that make us Free, healing our relationships, coming to Oursleves, by C. Terry Warner. If you are not religious, the last one will appeal to you most.

People sometimes think things would be better, happier getting out of the current situation... and I must admit that I at one time or several times have thought that myself. But for me, the changes began with me! A marriage teaches us to serve, to be less selfish, to find the meaning of true love which I believe sometimes comes over time and a lot of effort. Things are not always warm and fuzzy, but we can get closer to it the more we work on ourselves. The best way to influence someone else, is to change ourselves. What you want out of you partner or relationship you must become or do yourself, First. Your desire to create a better marriage Is great! Let it motivate you to do Your part, because YOU want to.

Thanks for letting me reflect on my own marrital journey!

I was married for 7 and a half years. I cannot say my marriage was perfect, because I don't think a perfect marriage exists. My husband died in a car accident, and I can honestly say that even with our strugles, I was happy while we were together. There is no such thing as complete and perpetual happiness. In fact, now that he's gone, I realize that so many of the things that annoyed me, are the things I miss. Him having a book ALL the time, even when we went out to eat, really annoyed me. I wanted to chat with him, and he was just reading. But I had come to accept him that way, because I loved just how smart he was, and his intelligence is one of the things that made me fall in love with him. And if I had a question, he always had an answer, because he read all the time. One thing a friend told me and it's so true, is that you are going to hurt the people you love. And it's not that you don't like them or don't love them. The fact is, you hurt them because they are with you. Everyday life is stressing, our bosses make us mad, and we take it out on our family, only because we feel comfortable with them. You can't hurt a person clear across the ocean, you hurt your loved ones, even if you don't mean to. We just learned to recognize when we couldn't handle it anymore. Once you understand that there is no such thing as "happily ever after", then you learn to cope and deal with things that come your way. For better or worse. Only we don't like to think of the "worse" part of it and want to give it up. After he passed, I realized I actually missed our arguments. They are necessary for a balance. Hang in there. Remember why you fell in love with him, and remind him why he fell in love with you. And of course, if there is a problem, talk about it. I never understood the silent treatment, and we never used it. There is no worse way to make things worse. Only talking will bring you together. And also, you don't stop being an individual when you are in a couple. Find time for yourself, when you love yourself, you can love other people.
Good luck.

being married dont mean everything is going to be great or wonderful it's one of the hardest thing you ever do it something you have to work at every day there are hard times and there are good times I hope there are more good time then bad times for you and the thing I think help ppl stay together is God, understanding between to ppl and I think when you have kids and work and have all this other stuff that going on you should set time for just the two of you once a week or once a month whatever works for bot of you were you dont talk about work or the kids or anytrhing thats going on just have fun make it a date night and a nother thing is make a time every day like after you put the kids to bed to talk about what is going on in both of your lifes it ony has to be like 10 15 mins a day and try not to got to bed mad at each other it helps

Do you and your husband ever get away, just the two of you? If not, you should try it!! Or even have the kids spend the night somewhere and have some "fun"!! It's always good to plan one on one time with your spouse to keep the flames going!!