What Do You Do When You've Turned into a B*tch?

It's time for YOU time.
Get dressed up and go out with friends.
Sometimes, attention from other people is all you need to distract you. You're just in a rut.

(Been there, done that...reconnecting with old friends literally saved my marriage.)

Being self-aware is a good place to start, and you've already acknowledged that. It sounds like your husband hasn't changed, but you have. You might consider talking to a therapist as a safe place to vent and to discover why you're suddenly a different person. Sometimes it's a psychological/emotional reason, other times there is a physical/medical reason. Sometimes it is a little of both. Talk to your medical doctor about your unusual shift in mood.

Your other post mentioned you were over 50. It is a time of physical changes, and many people find they are expanding their interests. My mother-in-law is more active now than ever before. She travels, wrote a book, makes crafts that she sells at shows, participates in local clubs, and attends community events.

My husband and I share a couple interests, but we both have our solo interests as well. He doesn't get miffed if I don't attend a horror film festival and I don't try to drag him along on a 5k. A marriage can fall apart with too much togetherness. Most people need personal space and solo time.

JMO, but I hate when women refer to themselves as a "b*tch" for asserting their needs. This is not directed at you and I realize a whole different topic.

I agree with the other poster about change in hormones. The shift causes the brain to change thought patterns and want to refocus on other areas. Specifically, in women, the focus tends to go from being the nurturing caretaker to wanting to be more industrious outside of home. It is also related to the changes in marriage that lead to divorce or a change in the couples' roles.

If you are a reader I suggest the book The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup. She is a bit long winded but it is good info. I guess she also has a blog...

But I think you first need to decide what you want in yourself and in your marriage. Then communicate it to your husband so you can work together and get on the same page. Marriage grows and has many stages. Being honest about what you need and communicating it is the best way to grow together.

Bahawahaha!

I'm sorry, I love your question.

Pretty sure many of us have felt this way.

Since everything you mention here is part of your domestic relationship with him, I guess maybe the thing to do is try to focus on him as a person, outside your collective household. Like go on dates, meet out after work, go to lunch, etc.

(Anyway, I completely know what you mean. I'm 50 this year, spent my entire life thus far accommodating everyone, and now I think it might be nice if someone were to accommodate me. Not going so well which makes sense since I'm the one who changed the rules.)

:)

I don't think it is a "bit?h thing, it's just part of life. Men seem to get involved in other things and don't think about hygiene the way a woman does. It probably goes back to the caveman and how they survived.

Have a serious matter of fact chat with hubby about things and go from there. Be firm but loving.

Also do get a check up for you. You may need a few vitamins or something. Do you have a hobby or something for you to do separately? Now might be the time to get one if you don't.

Life is too short to get but so bothered. I have had a few chats recently with mine and he was just as proud of the "shower" this morning as a little kid. I did praise him about the fresh scent and said so.

Have a great day. Marriages evolve just as the people do who are involved -- it is a constant work in progress.

the other S.

Hi M.,

With all due respect, there's not a whole lot to go on here. I will say this, not knowing your ages, you may be having reactions to well established behaviors due to possible hormone, or other physical, changes. I'd schedule a physical and have them do a hormone work up on you. I'm not suggesting the answer is drugs but that information may reveal why you've turned this corner.

My second response is to sit him down and talk to him. Men are especially bad, forgive the generalization, at picking up on signals and reading our minds. So how can you expect the situation to change if you don't discuss it with him. Boys tend to be very concrete so you need to sit him down from a place of love and be very specific when asking what you need from him. What he needs to change or at least be sensitive to.

Lastly, to your last point, I would sit him down and google some travel ideas/locations over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and see if anything sparks his interest. I hate road trips so we tend to fly for vacations but there's no wrong way to do it as long as you're both excited about the journey and the destination. Good men are hard to find and marriages are not 50/50, they're 100/100. Give him some loving patience and some time to turn another corner.

Good luck!! :-) S.

I think it's necessary to not dwell on the negatives. By your own admission he's a good person and great husband. i would hope if my husband of 20+ years was getting irritated with my habits he would remember he doesn't walk on water either. 😊 Is it reasonable he should have good hygiene? Absolutely and maybe letting him know it's a real turn off to you when he doesn't take care of those things. Maybe invite him into your shower. 💕

I am 53. I am menopausal. I know I can get to the edge of my ledge quickly now. My daughter is 17 and a senior. She knows so much more than me, I doubt I will ever catch up. 🙄 There are days I think I am going to go to the airport and buy a one way ticket and not tell a soul where I am.

Bottom line, I am responsible for my happiness or lack thereof. I concentrate that my daughter is flexing her wings in prep for the flight she will soon begin. I know my blessings far outweigh any hardship I face. I am blessed and when I'm frustrated I've learned concentrating on what's good in my life and being grateful helps me keep a better perspective.

Please remember all the good about him. Make an effort to remember to tell him how important he is to you. Write down his great qualities. Post them where you can see them. Being married a long time is something to cherish and be proud of.

Since he's always been this way - and will likely always BE this way - what about you has changed recently that this stuff bothers you so much now?
I think this is less about him and more about you managing your irritation.
It's easy to list up all the negatives (squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, hangs the toilet paper the wrong way, etc) but you need to remind yourself of all his good qualities - the things about him that made you fell in love with him in the first place.
When I was fairly close to beginning full menopause I was darn right grouchy.
A lot of it has to do with not sleeping well, night sweats, feeling too hot, etc.
Try some Estroven (helped with my hot flashes) and a little St Johns Wort from time to time seemed to help improve my moodiness.

It sounds like you need more alone time! Plan some activities with friends. Take a class or two. Meet a friend for dinner. Join a club. Go on a little girlfriend only trip. I get annoyed by my husband and I find that time apart makes us appreciate each other again.

i could of typed this myself. except the hygiene part.
when i see this going on i tell him that i am irritable and need alone time. that i need for him to understand that i am bitchy and want to have a gals night out or go to a wine tasting with him dropping me at the door and picking me up when its over. he has also sent me for a 4 hour spa mothers pampering where they do a full body massage, mani, pedi, facial, and cheese with wine and crackers.

What to do? Think hard about what is really making you unhappy in your life. Because I suspect that you are obsessing on the small stuff in an effort to ignore the elephant in the room. And the elephant is the actual source of your unhappiness.

I would encourage you to get out by yourself for some away time, but also to set up some fun date nights or fun activities where he would be required to clean up, dress decently and get out with you. It might do you both some good to take that time for each other. Sounds like he's getting a bit lazy in the self care department.

If it's just sudden, are you stressed, fatigued, need some space, downtime, girl time, etc?

I know I'm stressed if people's chewing bugs me. I'm fairly relaxed normally but if someone chomping makes me want to snap, I realize I need to take some time for myself.

Same if I am tired/fatigued. I am far less tolerant.

So - if it's more him and this is all just sudden - then I'd have a chat if it were me. "I'd appreciate it if you picked up your stuff because otherwise I find it ....". Use I instead of You

Have you considered getting a job? So you can have distance from him? THopefully you won't have a mess when you come home each day.

People who don't have to get up and go to a job don't often shower until they have someplace to be. At least in my opinion. I don't shower every day and sometimes I don't shower but a couple of times per week, unless I have someplace to go, then I shower as I'm getting ready to go.

I always shower on Sunday for church. Then again on Tuesday and Wednesday since I have places to be out of the home on those days. Then I shower again on Thursday or Friday if I don't have anywhere to be or go.

SO hygeine, that depends on the person that is living next to the person who's not doing it.

As for the mess? Designate him an office space that has doors. He can keep that room any way he wants it. But that's where the mess stops. The rest of the house is not his trash can.