What Do I Do? Kids Don't Want to Sleep over at Their Dad's.

If they are not being abused or neglected, then you smile/give them hugs/kisses and send them to their Dad. There has got to be more to the story here...enforcing a reasonable bedtime is not enough to warrant them not going to their Dad.

I wonder if your attitude towards him is rubbing off even if you aren't trying for this to happen.

I am willing to bet the house he would never post a question asking how to get them to bed and how to get them ready in the morning like you did. Your daughters seem to be walking all over you and this is one more point they are doing it in.

Think about your complaint in your last question. Takes them an hour to go to bed, hard to get ready in the morning. Why do you think that is? So dad won't let them do that so they are appealing to the weakest link. If you keep repeating yourself, you keep giving in, pretty logical that you are going to give in to this as well and they will run everything.

Or you can stop trying to be their friend and be their parent.

Part of the reality of many divorced parents is that one parent is often more 'fun' than the other.

That's part of life. Not everything is going to be fun. It sounds like you are very permissive with your girls in a way that he is not. It may not be a stick up his bum-- he may see that they are tired, grumpy kids when they stay up on Friday nights and doesn't want to have his one morning a week with them plagued with moping and crabby kids.

Try to see it a little bit from his point of view, at least-- try to get beyond your anger.

Listen, B., you made babies with someone who you may or may not agree on parenting styles with, however, he IS their parent. So, you are going to have to get past the fact that he parents differently from you. If you wanted a situation you could control entirely, you should have coupled up with someone who you fundamentally agreed on these things with WAY beforehand. So, stick with the custodial agreement, be cheery and confident in sending your daughters off to be with their dad, and just keep remembering that these are SMALL things in the grand scheme of things.

And the best way NOT to cause emotional harm is to teach her resilience. No, it's not fun not to have TV whenever you want, but you will live. Staying up to watch tv at Daddy's is not actually them building their relationship. Your daughter *not getting her way* is not a reason for them not to visit. As others said, you are getting the six year old "I can get Daddy in trouble/I can get mommy mad at daddy" version. Kids often cry at this sort of transition at this age.... it just happens. I've seen it countless times, even with older kids, in my own life. Being a kid with split parents sucks. Please, get her a counselor if you feel this is horrible for her, but otherwise, try not to make it any worse.

I should add, too, that this is probably the first time I have heard of someone complaining that their ex is being a responsible parent.

First of all, unless you are actually there you don't know WHAT he tells your daughter. You're getting second hand information, FROM A CHILD. If you want to know what was actually said be an adult and talk to the other adult, their father.
It's one night a week, and all he's doing is enforcing a reasonable bedtime.
Sounds like he's being the responsible parent and you're being the "fun" one, letting your girls stay up late, getting off their routine, hanging out with them like they are your girlfriends.
And what does his cheating have to do with anything?
Stick with the visitation schedule and unless he's neglectful or abusive it's none of your business how he spends his time with them, just like it's none of his business how you do it when they are with you.
And of COURSE it's hard for your daughters to leave the home where they spend most of their time one night a week, but YOU made these babies with this "jerk off" so that's on you. You'd better figure out how to make it work, for their sake :-(

This is something where you need to follow the court order unless you want to go to mediation or court to get it changed. Otherwise you'll be in contempt. Different homes have different rules. We were the opposite. We were the bedtime at x time household and his ex was the fun time parent.

Reassure her that you'll do movie night on your Saturday and send her off as cheerily as you can. Kids understandably want to have as much fun as possible, but sometimes you just have to do what you need vs want to do. Most weekend nights my DD is in bed at the same time as always because it's good for her to stay on schedule, so depending on your POV, we might be harda**es, too. If it's not abusive, just not party time, they need to go. His relationship with them is his to handle, and all you can do sometimes is encourage them to talk to their father, maybe bring a game to play with him, etc. But it's his time.

If you think that they are having a hard time, consider counseling for them (even little kids can benefit from play therapy) to help them with their feelings.

And also, please bear in mind a 6 yr old's POV. Which is not to say you shouldn't discount her, but sometimes it is not the whole truth. Here's an example. DH asked my SD nicely if we could get her hair cut because she wouldn't let us brush it and it was a mess. She went to her mother and trashed us, and then BM "came to her rescue" by screaming at my DH that he was "destroying her self-esteem". No, we wanted her to get a haircut so she wouldn't look homeless or neglected. Be mindful of children playing you off each other, too.

I also agree that no matter what you think of him personally, feeding into the "your dad is so mean/bad" is not going to help. Please help her look at the visits positively and vent only to your friends. She may be picking up on your feelings, too.

You encourage her to have a relationship with her father, you remind her that he loves her and he only gets to spend that one night with her so she needs to make the best of it. If you let them stay up late and party every sat it is no surprise she wants to stay with you, the fun parent is always the preferred one, but that should not be used as an excuse to hinder the small amount of time he gets as it is. I would actually recommend trying to make it so he has them more often, that might give her a chance to form a better relationship with him and would show her that you are encouraging of said relationship.

His cheating on you has nothing to do with the kids, or who he is. Don't let your hurt feelings color how you portray him to your children. That is not fair to them, he is their father.

Do you have a formal divorce or visitation through the court? Child support? If so, you have to follow the agreement. You can try to get it changed, however you can't just stop sending them.

I understand that it's hard if the gals' father doesn't show he wants to spend time with them or if the gals feel that way, however in the big picture, I suspect they do need the option of having time with him. Maybe you and the ex can develop a modified visitation where he is out with the kids or has time on several afternoons, when he can/will interact more with him. The key, however, is that you need to follow the court order and it probably is in the kids' best interest to spend time with their father.

ETA: I agree with Tracy that if the only issue is having a bedtime enforced, that's not a reason for them to not go. If they aren't being mistreated, neglected, etc, they need to go.

I think you leave the discussion of his cheating for another day. It has no relevance to his relationship with his children.

It would be nice if each of you could foster a good relationship between the other and the children, and show respect in everything you say to the kids about the other. So I think you can say that Friday night is an early-to-bed night because they've had school or day care all week, and Daddy has had work. The kids are probably all wound up, so they need to go to bed at a decent hour. But we can assume that they get up early on Saturday so they have all day with Daddy, and isn't that fun, kids? Isn't it the same amount of "quality time" whether it's at 9 PM or 9 AM?? So if you can put your resentment of his attitude aside and find some balance, that would be better for everyone.

Saturday night can be the late night but they are sleeping late on Sunday and therefore losing morning time with you. So I'd try to help your daughter find the positive, whether it's having breakfast and lunch with Daddy or watching morning cartoons or enjoying more daylight. Anything. And you can support the idea of "Daddy's house, Daddy's rules; Mommy's house, Mommy's rules." If you can have a civil discussion with him to share what your daughter said and how you think you can answer it so that it's supportive of him, great. If you can ask him what he says and what he'd like you to say, even better. Mention that you have a strict bedtime Sunday through Thursday, so you get that they are tired on Fridays and may get cranky, so you support his decision. I think it would be great if he could foster a good relationship too - yes it's his job, but if you have them most of the time, it's only natural that they are going to look to you as the boss and that you will have to do more to ease them into time with Dad since it's the anomaly.

Kids cry when they go back and forth between Mom and Dad. Kids cry when they are with both parents and one has a rule they don't like. Many kids don't transition well from one house to the other any better than they transition from TV to the dinner table or from bath time to bedtime. You have to get to the point where it doesn't break your heart. You see him as the cause of her distress, but when she doesn't like something you do or she has a tantrum/meltdown, do you blame yourself? Or do you say, "Kids are like that sometimes"??

Just because he was a lousy partner to you doesn't mean he isn't and can't be a good father. In fact, spending time with daughters may make him have a little more respect for females - I'm sure he wouldn't want anyone to hurt them the way he hurt you, so maybe there's room for personal growth on his part by having empathy for his own daughters.

I think the more you can look at him as someone with whom you made 2 beautiful children, the calmer your own life will be, the easier it will for him to not feel your resentment (even if his past behavior earned that), and the calmer your kids will be.

I know this is hard on everyone involved. I was a child of divorce and my dad sounds like your ex. He did not parent like my mom.

To top it off, I missed my mom, my room, my friends, our neighborhood. With my dad all we did was run his errands and hang out with people that did not have children. My sister and I learned to take puzzles, board games, books, colors paper.. To keep ourselves entertained and busy.

The best thing to do is to listen to your daughter and tell her "I hear what you are saying, but dad loves you as much as I do. He works really hard all week and needs his sleep." He works hard so that he can help take care of you girls. He gets grumpy when he is tired, so follow his rules so you can have a happy dad in the morning. Dad is not mom and at his house he has his rules. They may be different from this house, but they are not bad or mean rules, just different. "

If my mom had explained it to us this way, it would have made sense, instead I just thought he loved us, but was always grumpy. He worked a full time and part time job to afford child support! I had no idea. He is like me, if he does not get enough sleep, he has a short temper. He did not know how to play with us, because when not working he was taking care of the yard, doing house or car repairs while married and living at home.

I get it. My kids are 12 and 15. My 15 yo HATES going to her dads. But she does so she doesn't leave her brother alone with her dad and step mom. My kids are at their dads every other weekend from Fri at about 345 to Sunday morning at 1045 when he drops them off at church.

The simple fact is, your ex has a LEGAL right to see his kids. Thank your luck stars it's only for Fri night and part of Sat. I would tell this to your daughter. Tell her that in fact it is your dads rules at his house....his house, his rules. Same thing for your house. You can ASK your ex if they can stay up later, but really, if he doesn't spend time with them, it's probably better for all involved that the kids just go to bed early.

My ex can't be bothered with my kids either. He barely feeds them. They live off cereal and cheap hot dogs every.single.weekend they are there. He buys them each a tv and playstation for their rooms and then plays his own in the livingroom. That's.all.they.do.all.weekend. I hate it. They hate it. BUT ITS THEIR LIFE WITH HIM AND THEY UNDERSTAND THIS. So just tell your daughter and she will understand better when she gets older. It likely isn't worth fighting your ex about this.

However, it isn't clear if you have a parenting plan filed through the court regarding this or if you just have a verbal agreement. If it's verbal, maybe he will agree to just take them to lunch on Saturday and bring them back home? You can ask him. But start to email him everything so you have it documented. That way, if it does go to court, you can show a history of him spending very little time with them and them not wanting to go over there. Good luck.

Well, at least you don't have the opposite problem. There are "Disney dads" out there who do just fun stuff with the kids, never discipline, let them do whatever they want and and the kids want to live with their dad, and give their mom hell over it.

If your husband isn't abusing the kids, then you need to take your jerk ex's side. Don't put up with your kids' whining about going to their dads. He is a different parent than you You are more permissive - he can only take them in small doses. That doesn't make him a terrible father. Hes boring and they don't like that - too bad. He's their father and you need to remind them of that.

You can also talk to him and ask him to make things more interesting for them. If he won't listen to you, can you ask his parents? Would he listen to them?

You say you don't want to cause your daughter emotional harm - she's trying to manipulate you to get what she wants - not going to the "fun place". Don't buy it.

Interesting. I see your responses believe it's YOUR responsibility to foster a relationship between your kids and their father. So much for progress.

Yeah, no, it's not, it's not HIS responsibility to foster YOUR relationship with your kids, so why would it be YOURS to foster his? Not sure.

Sure, he can "have his peace and watch is TV" on the OTHER 6 days of the week when his kids aren't there.

Or he can insist on doing it to suit himself and completely lose his kids.

Either way, it's not within your control.

Ultimately, it's up to HIM, not you, whether his kids choose to spend the night with him or not.

:(

That's hard I'm sure. I do think at these ages kids prefer their mother usually. My husband is a great dad but girls had a hard time leaving me at those ages. So that's a large part of it I'm sure. And then Julie S brings up a good point. Getting kids off schedule is not a good idea. You think it's so fun but it may be why they're hard to get up. So something to think about. Keep a normal regular schedule and they'll naturally wake up and be ready to get out of bed.

If somehow your daughter does end up staying with you instead of going to her dad's on his weekend, replicate dad's habit. Put her to bed at the time her dad does on his Fridays. Save the late night movie habit for your weekends and just have a normal, non-exciting weekend. It's very possible once she sees she's not going to have special fun movie night with you on Dad's weekend, she will stop fussing.

I don't think your ex is doing anything wrong by putting them to bed at a 'normal' time. f your ex works on Fridays I can see why the best thing would be not having the kids stay up late. I generally let my kids stay up later on weekends, but sometimes I just need some peace and off to bed they go.

Also make sure that the kids don't have any clue how you really feel about their dad. Don't complain about him, don't criticize his parenting unless it is actually harmful and you're going to court over it. And absolutely don't ever play the one-up game and try to be the parent they like better. I'm not saying that I think you are doing that, but it is easy to fall into it before you realize it.

If you don't have a court order for visitation or custody he can just come get them and not give them back, ever. He can get in trouble of course at some point in the future for parental interference. But in the meantime he can take them and not let you see them.

Get formal papers drawn up for your separation.

If you don't have formal papers with his visitation written down then tell him they don't want to spend the night because he worked all day and is tired and wants to have some down time before he goes to bed. He's tired on Friday evening. The kids got up early for school on Friday so I'd think they were tired enough to go to bed a little late but not too late.

I'd say let him have Saturday day, night, and Sunday until 6pm. Then kids come home and stay all week unless he gets them during the week some too.