G.G.
J., I am much older than you, and when I had my second child, it was soooo hard. First of all, what you are experiencing is very normal for many of us. And whatever you do, make it a priority to shower your older child with attention (lots and lots and lots of attn). Every hour, sit down with him for at least 10 minutes to play or read. Exhausting, yes, but it will help both of you. When he is throwing a tantrum or being a brat, remember....all negative behavior is a manifestation of a need that is not being met. Say this to yourself over and over and over. Remember this until your kids are adults. Post it on your fridge. It will always apply. Your child is not acting out because he is trying to annoy you, he is just feeling out of control because of this new baby. When I was going through this, I was doing what you are doing. Seeking an answer because I needed help. I read books, looked online, you name it. They all said, sit with your child while they are throwing their tantrum. My oldest threw unreasonably long ones (45 min!) and I would eventually get frustrated and leave (basically shunning him). I eventually felt like that was stupid advice and would just punish him by timeout in his room and not bother sitting with him. I would tell him that I disapproved of his behavior instead of focusing on what he did right (being kind to the baby, playing quietly, being a loving little child, etc.) Well, I praised him too but you need to praise him non stop and let some of the disapproval talks and punishments slide right now (it is okay to not punish sometimes, even when he makes a bad choice). I didn't know it at the time but all I was doing was causing him more and more anxiety. This is when he first developed an anxiety problem in his life (barely 3 yrs old). He is 6 now and he's still an anxious person. It is our job to teach our children how to control their anxiety so give him tips (take deep breaths, bounce up and down, punch his mattress, etc. instead of using unkind words, hitting, etc.). You will sound like a broken record and you need to teach him what he can do for the rest of his childhood! :) This skill isn't quick to develop.
So, I wish I could tell you how to control your feelings. That's the hard part! There's no magical pill. I did go on an antidepressant at that time (for the first time in my life). Looking back, I wish I hadn't. I'm off them now and the transition was miserable. They worked though, I did like that I was more laid back while on them. Unless you are really, really out of control, don't go to meds first. Make it a habit of stopping, closing your mouth and thinking before you do or say anything. You will have to train yourself. It's been years and I'm still working on mastering this. I'm getting better and better though!! When you are anxious and mad, you will make your child anxious and mad. People have that effect on one another, just like your child is having this effect on you. Don't let him get to you. Pretend to be happy and calm, no matter how he acts, and eventually he will start snapping out of it faster and faster. However, we are the adults and it's our responsibility to act like one and figure it out. That is why you are posting! :) J., take it from this more experienced mom, force patience with your little one. Even when he does something infuriating!! Don't yell at him or send him to his room or it will only make him act out more. All of his behavior is due to anxiety!!!! Remember that! When you want to ring his neck, just put yourself in a time out and think, think, think before you react. You are going to mess up plenty (I still do). It will take lots of practice. Don't beat yourself up. Just tell him you are sorry and that raising your voice is never okay (or whatever). The way I handled my son many times, only made him more anxious. I just didn't know it at the time. It is so clear and obvious now (3 and a half yrs later) and the damage has been done. One thing you need to do for yourself is to get out of the house!!! The baby is a month old now, strap him/her into a carrier and go places for your son (park, the mall, bounce house places). Boredom is a huge reason for children acting out (and for mother's acting out). Get out of the house every single day (even if it seems overwhelming). Meet some mothers with children the same age. Having someone to chat with is like a therapy session. It reminds you that you are not alone. Lastly, this is so cliché but it REALLY is as effective as they say it is. Exercise! You and your two year old both need exercise (it has a very calming effect). Bundle the baby up, put her in a stroller (or wear the baby) and go for a walk. Every single day. Make it your priority. Sunlight and exercise really work (it has an effect on hormones in your body). I have really started paying attention to my body. If I'm feeling down, anxious or angry, I force myself to get a good work and it's amazing how the bodies own chemicals work like a drug. Just do it. It's all in your control. Mind over matter. Good luck, it gets better but it takes time. Lastly, put a list together of things you should remind yourself and ideas you can use. Put it on your fridge and read it daily!! Seems extreme but it just works. Sorry this is so long, this is a topic near and dear to me. Those were tough times and I just want to try to help. It took me a long time to learn all of this.