What Can You Say?

I typically say something like, "I have no words...". I wish that more people would stop trying to find the words. Sometimes it is really most appropriate to say no words at all.

I usually tell them that I'm sorry. Honestly, there is nothing more you can say. ( you can change up the words, but he meaning remains the same.)

I absolutely HATE when people say, "he/she is in a better place now," "you will feel better in time," or, my personal favorite, "God works in mysterious ways" (told to me when my younger brother committed suicide at 16... Really?). These platitudes rarely do anything to make a person in grief feel better.

When someone is grieving, they don't want to be made to feel better. Grieving is an important part of accepting a loss, and during this period it is more important to support them by allowing them to grieve and supporting them in the best way you can.

When someone I loved died, it was lovely to hear some nice words about him, such as, 'I'm so sorry about your father. He was a wonderful teacher, and such a great guy.' It was comforting to know that other people would remember and appreciate my loved one.

Some times it's not what you say, it's that you've said anything at all. In fact, a lot of the time, people going through loss need time to grieve. They don't want encouragement. They want to share their sorrow.

Make a gesture. Say something. Acknowledge their grief. "I can't imagine it." ... "If there's anything at all I can do to help," ... "I'm so very sorry for your loss".

In time you can find encouraging words.

My brother passed away in Mach and that is by far the hardest loss I have ever felt. I feel it daily - so do my kids, my whole family.

When he passed, I didn't want words. I didn't want people telling me they know others have lost loved ones to suicide, I didn't want to hear anything. I wanted my husband to hold me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to lay with my kids and just tell them how much I loved them and pray that no matter what they ever went through, what Joey did would never be an option for them.

All other times, for my grandparents, I have appreciated "I'm so sorry for your loss," "I'm here for you," etc, things like that - but only if people truly meant it...and it's so easy to tell the real from the fake.

So I guess for me it depends on the kind of loss.

I agree with the other post. Encouragement isn't quite right. What is helpful is just saying how sorry you are about the loss and that you don't know what to say. Stick around. People tend to offer kind words and help when it first happens, then disappear. Offer some meaningful help, too, not just vague, "If you need anything." For instance, "I'd like to bring you some homemade soup next week. Do you have any favorites?"

If the person isn't close by, send a card note and then follow up with a "thinking of you" note or phone call in a few weeks.

"I'm so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there's anything at all that you need."

Food is traditionally the gift given for sorrow. Nobody feeling sorrow wants to cook and in their depression they may forget to eat.

Keep it simple. I am so sorry for your loss...I am thinking of you. If you have a nice story to share about the person who has passed away then share that.

Take over a meal..or find a way to really help the person during their time of loss. That means alot and relieves burdens during a rough time.

I was there when my mother died in September. I got to feel her last heart beat.

What has helped me as a grown W.? The positive things my mom has done in her life...how she affected others. My mom made GREAT blue jean blankets...she would give them to people who had babies...long time friends who were going through chemo....she made them for their camping club and they were auctioned off...some sold for $500...my mom was always surprised when she saw people bidding that much for something she made...for my boys? She made blankets from their PJs that they LOVED when they were younger (they are 11 & 13)...baseball teams shirts...for me? she took my concert shirts and made a huge blanket....

My mom was a giver...at her celebration of life - people talked about how my mom would make sure the last people in the campground would have hot food...their neighbors talked about how seeing my mom & dad's marriage saved their marriage...(my parents were married 56 years when my mom died)...

Encouragement? Tell them all the positive things the loved one did....tell them to cherish the memories of the love lost....make a picture album for them (my Godmother did this for my dad...pictures of us from YEARS ago.....our wedding invitations...birth announcements...so much more)...

I'm sorry for your loss...may their memory be eternal.

Perhaps you can say something about "sorry for your loss". There is no words to express how they feel and sometimes less is more. The fact that you stopped and noticed may mean more than you know.

Just be there for her/him when they need a shoulder to cry on. Grief has no deadlines or time frame. Only the person involved knows when they have completed their cycle. I told these words to my husband once we returned from his brother's memorial service. He thanked me and has had his up days and down days. I am just there for moral support.

My best to you and your friend.

the other S.

"I have no word... I'm just so sorry "

I don't believe there are really any words of encouragement at this time. So many things ring so hollow like... I know how you feel , or x is in a better place, or now you have an angel looking out for you, or at least you will always know where your child is (yes, someone actually said that to me)

If you are in a position to be able to do so, offer a gift to a favorite charity, or one linked to the cause of death. It would be heartening to me, say if a loved one died of lung cancer to get gifts in lieu of flowers to the lung cancer society. It might mean that some other family wouldn't have to suffer what I and my loved one did.

Best,
F. B.

I tend to avoid the "I'm sorry for your loss" sentiments as I'm sure that someone already knows and has heard it often. I tend to go in for a hug (if possible) and "let me know if you need to talk or need anything at all."

Just say you're sorry.
And you're available to listen.
Anything else is meaningless.

Just keep it simple. Remember KISS?

(People we love live on in our hearts --but only as long as we live, not for all of eternity. I don't get that.)