Help!!my Fiance Hates My Family

Personally, I would hold off on the wedding until this situation is better. I have seen these issues destroy a relationship. Here is something that I can suggest, each one of you choose one family member to work on at a time.

Everyone wants their spouse to get along with and at least tolerate their family members. BUT not everyone does.
Nothing will change after you get married. Know that going in.
Best to you.

and this is how you want to spend the rest of your life? raise your child?

it won't change. he won't change. they won't change. you've been blessed with a clear view of the rest of your life. accept it. or get out.

NOTHING is going to change.

This is going to be honest.

These are not good signs. Marriage is too long for 1 spouse to totally not like his spouses family. And to not have spoken to his own mom to get her to drop "this grudge" is not a good sign either. He is supposed to be on your side, before his mom or anyone else.

I am sure there are examples of why he does not care for your family and he thinks he has a reason. He needs to learn to explain what it is so at least he can give you all a chance to work on this. Otherwise he is not giving you a chance. This will mean he is not going to be willing to communicate about your relationship. It is a bad pattern.

Be careful that this does not turn into some sort of control over you so that he will not want you or your child to go over to see them or for them to not be able to visit your home.

You all also need to figure out why his mother is cool to you.

Then you two need to figure out a way to agree that if you love each other enough, you two will agree to quit these behaviors.

I strongly suggest counseling BEFORE marriage.

You are both young parents, which is enough stress, but to have problems because of your families, is really a lot to overcome in the long run. Your fiance sounds incredibly immature. Immature men do not make great husbands..

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Has he said what he dislikes so much about your family?
My daughter got pregnant on the pill out of wedlock with a man she'd been with for about 3 years. His mother threatened to fly to Callifornia to take her head off for ruining his life. It was pretty scary.
They've since had the baby and the daddy is accepted and actually quite loved by me and our side of the family. She doesn't get that so much, although grandfather is trying to be very supportive. (He and fiance's mom have been divorced for years).
It's a tough struggle. Everyone has to accept everyone to an extent when a baby is involved.
Is your fiance otherwise controlling? Does he not like anyone you are really close with in general? Is it just your family because he perceives them as being overbearing?
You have a child together and I certainly hope you can work this out for the sake of your relationship and your baby.
Perhaps you can get some couple's counseling to work through these issues. You have started your own family, but you and your fiance have respective families that are involved as well.
I hope you can find a way to work through this. No one wants to chose between their lover, fiance or husband and their family.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

E.:

You are not wrong for wanting this....what is wrong that after 3 years of a relationship, a child AND an engagement YOU STILL CANNOT ACCEPT each others families - it won't change over time.....my advice? GET OUT NOW.

Yeah - because you have a baby together - you will always be in each other's lives - but seriously - is this the fight you want for the rest of your life?

YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM!!! HE CANNOT CHANGE YOU!!! You have two choices - accept this and press on or leave. Again - my advice is to leave.

Next piece of advice? Don't have another child until you are married. His mother may have a grudge against you because you got pregnant BEFORE you got married....did it change his plans in life - college, etc? Please understand I'm NOT trying to be mean - but having babies BEFORE you get married is NOT ALWAYS the best idea...the fact that you guys don't like each other's families?! that should've been a HUGE RED FLAG!!

Remember marriage is SUPPOSED to be a life-long commitment - do you REALLY want this in your life for the REST OF YOUR LIFE?

If you can't go to counseling TOGETHER and either come to a compromise (but I guarantee you that habits of family DO NOT CHANGE) and if that can't happen DO NOT GET MARRIED!! Separate and make arrangements for custody and visitation of your daughter but DO NOT GET MARRIED...

This is probably something you guys should attend pre marital counseling over. Inlaws can be a lot worse after you get married. OR maybe that's what they are all waiting for, for you guys to get legal and they all may change their attitudes? This is a huge redflag for your future tho, something you need to work out now because it will cause a lot of fighting in the future at holidays if you dont figure it out. The people that gave birth to our spouses should get a little respect if at all possible.
ADDED:
After Julie R's response it made me think. Have your parents overstepped their boundaries and making your b/f think he's a bad provider maybe? Men do feel "less" if his wifes parents are always bailing them out financially or being busy bodies...

Look deep and long at this situation. His mom isn't into you. Your fiance isn't into your family. Two negatives don't make a positive in this case. Take a break and change the date of the wedding for a year or so from now. Revisit the marriage thing and if things are better then get married.

Life is too short to be putting up with actions of others. You can't change them and it will only get worse and remember that. Can you live the rest of your life with these emotions grinding on you daily? If so, have at it. If not you haven't lost anything.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

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You are not wrong. But it's not healthy to push family ties that just are not there.

Have you been on mamapedia long? If not, I suggest you do a LOT of reading. There are a ton of mammas around here that have shown to me just how ungrateful, spoiled, and sad people can be. I applaud you for trying to have a relationship with your mother-in-law. But you can't force your fiance to do the same.

The advice given below to leave your fiance is just STUPID. When two people get married the ties to parents are changed forever. Holidays should become about your family. The other families come before and after and separate if needed.

Is this man good to you? Is he a good dad? If so, cut him some slack.

I noticed something in your post that no one else commented on so I'll add this just in case it applies in your circumstances. You said "no matter how much support they have given us". Some people, men in particular, are uncomfortable if they see others in a position to help them...whether via emotional or financial support. It makes them feel kind of like they are failing at something if they have to have outside "support". So if you are pointing out things your side of the extended family has done for your nuclear family thinking that might make him thankful or appreciative, it might be having the opposite effect. If you think this might apply (since I don't really know your circumstances) and you think your family can handle it, talk to your family about not over-lavishing and making it a point to acknowledge and recognize your fiancee's successes and skills. When you talk to your fiancee about your family, don't remind him constantly of what your family has done for you - whether that's helping with child care or helping with finances or both. Instead repeat anything and everything good and nice your family has said about him - like my dad is so impressed with the shelves you built in the garage. He was never good at stuff like that. Or my mom can't believe how much you do as a father - I don't think dads used to be as involved as you are. Also, give him a chance to "shine" in front of your family. If he's really good at the barbecue, have them over with him cooking. If he's had some great successes at work, have a toast to him at your next get together. And good for you for continuing to try with his family - you will win them over some day!

No, you are not wrong for wanting to be accepted by family, for your and your daughter's sake. The real question is what are you going to do about it?

I'm wondering why, after three years, your boyfriend dislikes them so much (openly, I assume). He has had time to get to know them and learn how to deal with them, just as you have had with his family. You're indicating that your family is trying to have a relationship with him to some extent. Does your boyfriend say what it is he dislikes so much?

Nobody ever gets along PERFECTLY with another person all the time (sorry - I bet you know that already), but when you marry somebody you "marry" the person's family, too. He could just stay away from them - and, of course, you both will be spending more time doing your own family things, so that will automatically happen to some extent.

But that means you and your daughter will be staying away from your family, too. You need to think whether that's what you want to do. I'm not talking about being tied to your family's apron strings - just about having a friendly, loving relationship with them for the next thirty years.

Isn't this something to talk to a counselor about? Please understand that I'm actually thinking about a worst-case scenario - waking up and finding you're married to a controller. I certainly hope this isn't and will never be the case, but the time to think about the possibility is BEFORE you say "I do." Anything a man or woman is before marriage, he/she is more of after marriage. A good counselor can help you sort this all out now and give you help in making all these relationships better.

I would be concerned. He doesn't have to love them but for me it would be a requirement that he act respectful to them. They are your parents. You are showing him and his family respect by being respectful to his mother. He should have that same respect for you and show that to your family. If he is not then you have a bigger issue and I would hold on marriage until this is worked out. If he is like this now, how will he be later? Will he say your parents can't come to birthday parties, holidays? This should be worked out before you marry.

No you are not wrong - and you need to tell him bluntly that if he doesn't try harder that may cause resentment and hard feelings both in you and your family. If he expects you to try and love his family - he needs to do the same for yours. He needs to grow up!

Wow, sorry about this. If he has always hated your family, you should have stopped dating him and not had a child with him. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this happens so often when we think issues that have always been there will somehow change. Usually, they don't. However, you have a child together, you're engaged, and you want to stay together. Find out exactly what it is that he does not like about your family. Get all the specifics. Then, work hard to see if your family can work on these things, and/or your boyfriend can avoid them in situations where these things happen. If this does not work, your boyfriend needs to put his issues aside and put on a positive act when he is with your family, and you'll need to understand that he will always want to spend as little time with your family as possible. So, no you are not wrong in your feelings, but you can't force someone to like someone they don't.

So your family has accepted him and supported both of you, but he won't appreciate them and dislikes them to the point that you feel he hates them. You don't know why. In addition his mother really dislikes you.

There's a lot of anger and animosity coming from him and his family, and that's not good. I don't see that improving without some serious premarital counseling between you and your fiance. If your MIL has a grudge against you, have you tried clearing the air with her and asking her directly if you've done something that offended her? Or could it be that her "grudge" started when you got pregnant before getting married to her son and maybe she thinks you're trying to trap her "prize" of a boy?

If after counseling your fiance can't or won't change his attitude toward your family, I would seriously reconsider marrying him. That animosity is a huge indicator to me of how the rest of your life will be.

Hello, I can only say this is all wrong and good luck.
K. K.

does he have any real reasons for hating your family? if they haven't done anything to him per se he need to suck it up. welcome to marriage. its all about comprimise and sucking it up. definitlely go to marriage counceling before you actually get married. its super important.

Have you tried asking your fiance why he dislikes your family? You mention the support that you have received from your family. Do you think this might be making him feel "less of a man" because he can't provide everything for you and your daughter himself? Does your family fully accept your fiance or are they always giving "advice" or money? I've been married to my husband for 20 years and last year is the first time my mother-in-law actually showed any affection towards me! I was always polite and ensured that my husband and children had a good relationship with my In-Laws but it genuinely took 24 years for my MIL to accept that I'm not going anywhere!! (We were engaged for 4 years before we married). Remember that you and your fiance need to form a united front for your child. Its not easy to deal with your own needs as a couple, as parents and (still) as "children" (in the eyes of your respective parents) - I'm proof that it can be done! Believe me, most couples go through what you are going through. As long as you and your fiance keep communicating openly and honestly with each other, you can overcome anything! Best wishes for your life together.

I don't think you are wrong for wanting him to try with your family. That's a normal, healthy way to be. My MIL has proven to me that she is incredibly narcissistic and one of the most selfish, immature people I know. I typically can like anyone and I consider people friends very easily. I don't require a lot from people - just normal, decent behavior. I'm hard to offend, and once I'm offended, I don't like to hold grudges and forgive easily...hoping to get the same response in return whenever I offend people.

I have tried so hard with her. I still try hard when I see her. I will always try and make sure we have pleasant visits when I see her, but I'm learning I don't really like her as a person. In case I sound mean, she is so hurtful to other people. She's ruined lives and takes no responsibility. My previous SIL (now ex) would get into yelling, screaming fights with her. And my MIL's SIL refuses to talk to her. Just saying those things to show that she rubs people wrong all the time... of course, in my MIL's mind, she never does anything wrong. She's just always the victim to life.

She and I have had our issues. Unless I want to be a puppet and let her manipulate and control us, it ends up that we have issues because I won't allow that. She definitely has issues with me and seems to have a grudge. She disagrees with my parenting and personal beliefs and lots of things...

Anyway, I dont' mean to go on about me and MIL, but the reason I share is that this woman is difficult to have a long term relationship with, and I feel like you about it. I feel like she is family. I always try to respect her as such. I STILL try to like her. She is the mother of my husband (he has a hard time with her too...everyone does). But it's important to try to make it work.

I don't think you're wrong at all for wanting your fiance to try with your family. Even if he has VALID reasons for not liking your family, he should put forth effort to be pleasant and make it easy to visit them. If he's not comfortable with certain things, then be sure to listen and understand. Such as, I am not at all comfortable with my MIL/step-FIL watching our kids. I refuse to allow my step-FIL to even be in the same room alone with my kids. I feel like I have very valid reasons for it too, as does my husband. So, if by chance your husband has similar feelings about things he is not comfortable with, be sure to listen.

Also, with how damaging my MIL is, we have had to limit how much we see them. She always acts offended since she's 35 minutes away now (instead of 11 hours), but I can't handle seeing her more than 1-2 times a month. She makes everything so dramatic, and sometimes I think she tries to be offensive and rude! She seriously acts like a 16 year old. A spoiled, bratty one. I haven't seen her for almost a year because my daughter is immune compromised (severe bone marrow failure), and my MIL refuses to do what we've asked so she can come and visit without getting our daughter sick. But she likes to be offended as though we are only asking HER to do this, when we ask everyone. She offers no support or compassion to her son while he deals with our daughter being so fragile. All she (MIL) does is make it all about her and how she feels mistreated. I've tried talking to her, apologizing if I've unknowingly offended her, etc...but she doesn't want any of that. Sometimes I want to scream at her for being so snotty and selfish and hurtful. I am glad I haven't seen her for almost a year. It's nice to have a break, but it's frustrating that it's because she is being selfish and snotty and that's why! (sorry, I'm going on too much about me! it really frustrates me how she is!)

Anyway, I keep getting distracted, so I'm not sure how much sense I've made. Point being, even if your family is insane, your fiance can put forth effort on his part to make it as pleasant as he can. I think a polite person does that. I think you can keep visits shorter and less often if that is what he needs. But I definitely do not think it's okay for him to mistreat your family or to be rude to them. Nor do I think it's okay to completely cut them off. They are your family and important to you, and that should be enough to make it important to him to put forth effort to make it work...and he can still keep not liking them if he wants.

I will stop typing now! Good luck:-)

I have to ask, does he treat them badly or does he just not like them? I don't hate my ex in laws but I sure did hate their behavior and attitude. I was never mean to them or blew them off, I just didn't like them. My ex was well aware of this.

There is a HUGE! difference between not liking someone and treating them badly. If he doesn't like them they don't actually know that, you do, unless you are daft enough to tell them, then I would question what the heck you were thinking.

There is a reason there are sooooo many in law jokes, ya know?