What Are My Options? - Manlius,NY

B....1st and foremost seek counsiling for both of you. You and your husband are going to need it even if you decide not to stay together and the marriage ends in divorce you will need to have the help and guidance. Check with your church or other family service in your area if it is not affordable to you. It will be worth ever dollar.
Now for the meantime just because you are seperating doesn't mean you don't have rights... Not sure of your situation but if you own a house together than you have every right to stay right in that house till you face a judge same as if you are leasing and both names are on the rental agreement. Especially if you are going to have primary custody of the babies. You may want to seek out legal aid in your area to see what exactly can be done. Since he is brining it to your attention that he wants you to make a plan what is his plans? how is he going to help you? Don't allow yourself to feel trapped. Be as proactive as you can. Find support whereever and from anyone you trust. If he kicks you out you have the right to go anywhere with your children that makes you safe. So if you have family go to them let them help you. He really can't tell you how many miles that you can move and where that has to be. Just make sure that you have legal info from your state. Each state is different.
You are total right about decision making. You both created the life of your children and the responsiblity to them is to act and work together in a civil manor. It won't be easy but everything must be talked about and ever detail worked out because your precious little one will be effected by any negativity.
I know you have no job and don't work or have a car. You are going to have to make some sacrifices for your children. If you have family friends that can help watch your children or start looking for childcare on a slide payment or that has funding from other sources goverment based like headstart. You may feel like you are abandoning them but actually you are giving the life they deserve.
B. I wish you strength in this matter and hope that you find peace in your life with your children. T.

Do not leave that house, once you leave you have no legal rights to anything in it...and he could turn around and say you left him.
Besides, he wants the seperation, he can move . That way your children aren't dealing with the stress of a new home on top of it all. And if the big butt-head doesn't want you moving away then he'll have to man up and support you all.
Go to Child and Family services and axplain what's going on, they can help you get to the folks that can help you deal with this.
Don't give in to him, you have options. If he wants this then he can darn well figure out how to make it work. I hate to sound cold , but it's time to atop trusting him. get to family services and stay in front of someone until they point you to someone who can help. Keep your courage up and stay strong for your kids and yourself !!

B.,
I'm sorry to hear your sad circumstances. I would suggest that he leave and find somewhere else to live, instead of trying to make you and the kids leave the house, especially with a two week old! I would suggest you talk with your family, see if someone can help you out, and maybe you can move to where they are if he won't leave. I don't know if you're a faithful person, but you could always go to a local church and see what they might be able to help you with.
I'll say a prayer for your family, and I hope things get better for you.
God bless,
E.

Plain and simple. If he made the decision to separate, then he can be the one to move out and since he is the only one bringing in the money than he can also pay half of the rent while you get a regular job and pay the other half. You first need to decide if you are separating or getting divorsed. If you have been a STHM all this time, then he is asking way too much of you to leave with the kids. I think he is just being selfish and wanting you to leave and take all the responsibility with you. Push come to shove, I know you love your kids, but YOU leave if he is going to be this way and LEAVE THE KIDS WITH HIM. Let him decide how to handle them if he is going to be like that. Since the state will not help you since you are marrked, you could also comprimise with him that you are not moving out till the divorse if final. Also FYI: as long as he is wanting to stick you with the kids, then stay at the house as long as you want to. If he tries to create a scene or gets violent because you won't leave, call the cops and they will require him to leave since you are the once with the children!!

Go to the court go to legel aid get a lawyer

There is always public assistance, go to your county courthouse and seek legal aide. Do you belong to a church, or religious afflication? Is there any place you can sign up for low cost housing? They may also be available to give you other options. It is definately not easy starting over and making those choices. Please don't give in to him to make all the choices regarding your children. You may also through the courts to move where you have family / friends to help you out.
I hope this helps you!!

If neither one of you have actual 'custody' of your kids, either one of you can leave with your kids. And by this I mean, if you have not been to family court and decided if either one of you have physical or legal custody you have free reign to leave with them. Contact your local authorities and ask them hypothetically if you were to leave with your kids, could you be in trouble. When I had to leave my ex quickly they told me I could go anywhere and with that if he chose to leave, we could. So, my advice is, go home to your family. If you are from another state and have family there, you may go there with your kids with no penalty. But as soon as you get there, you need to act immediately and get paperwork in order for separation, divorce, custody, and child support. He has no say. Any man who would make his wife and two kids leave, especially with a 2 week old, needs a head examination. No job, no car, no money...that will come. There is a liason at every family court that can give you advice as to what your options are, and don't back down, fight for what you are entitled to. As far as haircuts and things on his end, if he does get legal custody, you won't have any say. As long as the children are not harmed that will seem trivial once you are on your own two feet. If you decide that you will stay in this area, contact Unity House or Equinox and they can give you some ideas also. I wish you the very best of luck and will try to remember some other pointers for you. In the mean time, get to work and put your best foot forward. Never be afraid, there will always be someone to help and guide you, now is the time to be the helper and guide for your two beautiful babies.

Wait a minute- why are you the one that has to leave your home? It seems to me that he should leave- you are keeping your children... are you a stay at home mom? He will HAVE to pay you support. I can't believe any decent man would send his children and their mother into a life of poverty! You should contact a lawyer and quick! Whatever you do- DON'T leave your home! If you do, even for a day, he can claim abandenment! You have every LEGAL right to stay! Look up a legal hotline in the phonebook and get some advice before you do anything! Don't let your husband bully you!

B.,
If he wants to leave... let him! Don't you for a minute, even think of leaving. With all the changes that are going to happen in near future, those kids need to be at home, where it's fimiliar and safe. If he insists that you leave w/ the children... Tell him your going to go home to your family with the children. If he really cares about his kids, he'll help you out in trying to find a solution where you can be local with the kids. Best of luck to you!
T.

if you have him sign a notarized letter stating you are separated and how much child support you are receiving the government should help you. go apply for assistance as soon as you find a permanent residence. oh and you and your children should stay in your home and your husband should find other living arrangements. if he does not agree to that do not hesitate to move back with your family. you need the support right now. do not give him what he wants if he can not agree to do what is best for the children. i wish you the best of luck. oh yea you did not mention where you are located different gov agencies vary from stste to town you may get better advice from someone in your town..

HOLY MOLY ... are we kidding here???? I'll say a Rosary or two and pray for strenghth.
"My husband has made a decision that we are going to separate. (OH DID HE NOW????) He wants me to come up with the plan of how me and my two year old and two week old are going to leave and where we will stay." (THIS IS ABUSE MY LOVE. A TWO WEEK OLD????) (MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIND OUT WHERE HIS GIRLFRIEND LIVES AND LIST THAT AS HIS NEW ADDRESS WITH SOCIAL SERVICES SO THEY CAN GO AFTER HIM FOR CHILD SUPPORT - OK, THAT WAS JUST RAGE, I'M SORRY. YOU CAN GET CHILD SUPPORT WHILE HE'S STILL LIVING THERE. LEGAL AID MAY HELP, BUT BEWARE THAT THEY MAY BE OVERBOOKED.)(I'M SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU AT THIS TIME ESPECIALLY, BY THE WAY ... THIS IS REALLY REALLY BAD)(YOU CAN ALSO FILE A MOTION WITH THE COURT YOURSELF AND ASK THAT HE PAY THE RETAINER FOR YOUR ATTORNEY SINCE HE WORKS AND YOU DO NOT)

I have no family in this area, no job, no car and no money. However the government won't help me with anything because we are married and he is not abusive. (HELLO, HE IS, INDEED, ABUSIVE, AND HE IS THE ONE WHO MUST LEAVE. IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO: IF YOU LEAVE YOUR HOME, YOU'VE ABANDONED IT. IF YOU TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AND GO, YOU'VE VIOLATED HIS RIGHTS. OK, PLEASE BEAR WITH ME HERE, I WANT TO KICK HIS ... ) I don't have any friends in this area either but my husband does not want me moving that far away with his kids. (WELL, DO WE SEE HOW WE ARE PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT HE WANTS??? WHAT DO YOU WANT? LET'S EXAMINE THAT FOR A SECOND. THIS IS A MAN WHO MUST SUPPORT HIS CHILDREN ... IF HE HAS A JOB ON THE BOOKS, I'D SUGGEST THAT YOU PUT YOUR NAME ON A CHECKING ACCOUNT, HAVE A JUDGE PUT YOUR NAME ON THE HOUSE ... C'MON NOW. HOLY CATS!!! I'D ENROLL MY BABIES IN THE MOST EXPENSIVE DAY CARE IMAGINABLE AND MAKE HIM PAY. YOU NEED TO GET SOME NUMBERS: NET INCOME, FOR ONE, TAX RETURN, FOR ANOTHER. DEED TO THE HOUSE, FOR A THIRD. DO YOU HAVE A RELATIVE THAT CAN HOOK YOU UP WITH AN ATTORNEY? LET'S THINK AND THINK SOME MORE) Does anyone know of some way around the government thing so that I can get some help. (IF THIS MAN IS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED, WHY DO WE NEED THE GOVERNMENT?) Also he seems to think that when we are separated that when he has the kids I have absolutely no say in what he does with them, be it haircuts or anything that I might disagree on. I tried to explain to him that even apart we are still BOTH their parents and have to agree on things. (YOU ARE TRYING TO BE REASONABLE AND MOTHERLY WITH A MAN WHO IS TRYING TO KICK OUT A WOMAN WHO JUST GAVE BIRTH AND HIS OTHER BABY. HE LIKES HIMSELF, DOESN'T HE?) I just don't know what to do anymore and I feel very trapped. I don't want to leave my kids even for a day, I wouldn't be able to handle that and I haven't had a real job for a few years. (YOU'VE HAD A 'REAL' JOB FOR TWO YEARS, FAR AS I CAN TELL ... GET A JOB IN A NURSERY SCHOOL - DAY CARE CENTER ... WATCH KIDS IN YOUR HOME AND TELL HIM TO GET OUT BECAUSE HE'S EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. BE EMPOWERED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH, YOU ARE EVERYTHING!!!! OK, I'M EXHAUSTED. LORDY ... SEND ME HIS PHONE NUMBER AND PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT ... GEEZE LOUISE)I AM PRAYING REALLY REALLY HARD FOR YOU TO SEE THAT YOU ARE LETTING THIS GUY WALK ALL OVER YOU. CHEERS, P.
If anyone can help or has any ideas for what I could do please help me.

Hi,

I would contact Unity House in Troy for asssitance. They have a CHAP program run by Paulette Maxin for homeless individuals. I belive that you may need a history of homelessness but because you would be homeless with children they may be able to help. The number is ###-###-####.
The other thing I would ask you is if he is emotionally abusive. ASking a mother to leave with a toddler and a newborn knowing she has no place to go sounds abusive to me. Do you own the home or apartment together? Even if your name is not on the lease, you have rights because you are married and a tenant You do not have to leave because he says so. If you were to leave without the children (which he may be counting on), it would be much harder to obtain physical custody of them in court. Personally I would not leave. I would tell him to get out and I would also call Unity House for assistance. They have a dvshelter and housing assistance as well if they feel you meet criteria.

Well I am just going to tell you one thing the goverment sucks when it comes to things like this I am in the same boat you are in noone wants to help the ones who are married So there is no way around it. And for the part about you husband I agree with you the kids are both of yours. A bit a adivce don't let him use the children against you and is not good for the kids.

The very first thing you need to do is see a lawyer for advice. I am worried that you have a two year old and a two week old and your husband tells you that you need to get out and you seem like you are accepting of that. You are married and as such, he cannot force you to take your children and leave. Please, please see a lawyer for advice ASAP.

I think your husband should be the one to move out!! It seems he has decided you will live with the kids, you all are three he is one. He should move period. And yes you both should still make decisions. However if you don't think you'll get his advice for every thing then don't make him follow those rules if you do not. But he should move not you. So your plan is you three will stay in the house and he should move, that is your plan and stick to it!

I don't think he can legally "throw you out". You are married, and since it is his idea to separate, HE should leave. Half of everything is yours anyway, since you are married. He can pay the rent while you take care of your children, and during that time, you should contact a lawyer. Find out what your options are and GOOD LUCK.

Get a good lawyer. Retainer fees are stiff but its worth it and necessary. Try to raise money through e-bay or any way you can..family members, friends, etc. It will be ugly, telling from what he's presented you with, so be ready to rise above it. Dont let your kids get involved in the cross fire. they are in a very improtant and influential development stage and fighting around them or talking bad to them about their parent is VERY distructive to the development of their personalities. Remember, those children came out of you. You sacrificed your career for their upbringing. Let your husband be a jerk all he wants, but let him know that the alimony and child support checks will financially cripple him forever and 9 out of 10 times the judge awards custody to the stay at home mom. keep the faith and know there's an end to it all.
There's an old joke: Why does divorce cost so much? Because its worth it!
Oh..and here's your plan...He comes home to find all of his stuff on the front lawn and the locks are all changed.
good luck!

contact the YWCA, they have a support group and will help you with government assistance, custody, child support, and finding a job.
Don't move out and if it becomes unbearable tell him to leave, you have more rights to being there then him because of the children. Also the peacemaker program is designed to help with custody issues just ask at your local family court house.

talk to your husband and see if he is willing to either help you out and get a place or let you stay until you can get a job and get things established. or see if he is willing to leave and let you and the children stay where you our at. i know the salvation army helps people out if they have no where to go. there is also the vera house. but i'm not sure if its just for battered women. but i would check out these places. try to go and apply for hud. i would keep on social services for help. or i would talk to the commisioner of social services. if you have no luck with these things then you may not have a choice but to move far away because thats where either your family or friends are. for that your husband will have to accept it. he may choose to go to court for visitation rights. but at least it will be legal and if someone doesnt go by the order then there will be a violation. i wish you the best of luck in finding somewhere for you and your children. please get back to me and let me know the outcome. i really would like to know.

you may not realize it but it sounds to me like your husband is controlling and although he dosen't hit you these are still sighns of domestic violence you should give the local office a call and see what they can help you do thier number is ###-###-####
or try to call the american redcross or catholic charities of saratoga they are all great places that can help you

Hi B.!

I am going through a divorce now. I'm wondering where you are from because like you I had no job, no money, no child support because my husband was fired for drug use and my daughter was 2 months old at the time. I also have a 5 year boy with autism. Your local state assistance program can help you even if you both live in the home. Legally you can stay but you need to decide if it is worth the trouble to live with him if he won't leave. I had a very difficult time deciding to stay near the kids father. Moving with my mom would have been alot easier but I wanted the kids to have the stability of still seeing their father so the transition from living with him to not was a little less frightening. It worked out well so far. I filed the divorce papers one month ago after being seperated for a year. I received food stamps, WIC, a monthly stipend and help with the utilities. The only thing they couldn't help me with was rent. I am in Connecticut, if you are around here write back and I can try to help you get to all these places and fill out the paperwork.

Hi B.,
I myself have never been married or divorced but my parents went through one and so did my sister. I am pretty sure that you can petition the courts to allow you and your children to remain in the house and him find a new place being that he is the one wanting out. Seeing how you have been a SAHM maybe the courts will force him to help you get on your feet before he cuts off the money. I would call the local family court office in your area and ask them what you can do. My sister was forced to help her LOSER ex with money because she was the only one who ever made any. I am sorry for what you and your children are going through. If you need to vent message me anytime. Good luck.
-J.

You could contact a temp. agency. After meeting with you, they would set you up with a company that would most likely be temporary (sometimes the companies end up hiring the person). There are several temp. agencies in Buffalo called Select One Search, as well as Advantage Company. As far as day care while you're working, I'd call upon my friends right now, or contact some local churches to see if any would lend a hand for free (for the time being). I would ask your family to borrow some money and get an attorney. That way you know what your rights are and aren't relying on your husband for advice. If divorce seems likely, start looking into it now (the lawyer can help). Your husband probably doesn't want that because then he'd have to pay you child support, as well as split most things with you (house, cars, etc.). I hope this helps. I know you feel trapped right now, and you probably will until you start getting to make some of your own decisions. Good luck.

B.,
I'm really sorry things are so bad for you right now. First say some prayers for strength. It's tough but we are never given more than we can handle. Next start with something like this link http://www.workforcenewyork.org/dhpcenters.htm. I googled "displaced homemakers Rochester NY". This is one of the local agencies that may help to get you on track with moving forward. They can help lead you to the resources you need to care of yourself and your child while getting independent of your husband. They may even help you locate proper legal advice for separation, divorce, and/or custody agreements.
Your family may not be close be we are a community of mothers here and we are pulling for you. God Bless,
Cris

I would say it's HIS duty to move out and make sure his kids are comfortable in the home they have come to love and know. if he keeps asking you to move out I'd get a good lawyer and take the kids away from him. He obviously has no reguard except to be cruel to you.

Your home is a community property and HE CANNOT BY LAW force you out. So stay.

Personally I'd ask him what her name is and throw a glass of water in his face, but that is me.. I wouldnt' suggest that to anyone else lol

once you file for separation, which he should go to the city building to do, you will get a paper saying you are legaly separated.
Take this paper down to social services and apply for temporary assistance, they cover everything for awhile, but ask you to look for a job. You will find a job, and they will pay day care assistance too.
Also, they will automatically have you sign up for child support collections, so you'll have that coming in too.

Or...
Since you are single, go ahead nad move if you want to. Don't be restrained by what he wants if you can have a better life back home with your family.

Call your mom.. or your sister. Or maybe a best friend you left behind? They are sure to encourage you not to be afraid to do what you have to do.

Good luck.

And after the separation, just wait and see what comes, if your husband insist on cutting the kids hair in a way you don't like, then cut it before they leave for the weekend.

Remeber, that he has no chance of getting unsupervised visitation of your 2 week old, they will never separate him from you at this point.