What Am I Doing?? - Waterville,ME

M....I too have been a stay @ home mom for 7 years and just recently went back to work..I also struggle with anxiety\depression and feel many times that my life has spun out of control almost to the point of wanted to walk away from it all..I too am so sick of crying and feeling alone when I am Married ...I am just like you I cook, clean , bath , cut the hair take care of the pets pay the bills take to the doctor ect ect ect.....I do know that making a strict schedule for everything has helped me out...everything is down on a calender for the whole family to see...going back to work for my family has been an adjustment for all of us and it has been so hard on me and my Marriage but I had to first have a heart to heart with myself then with my family...I wish I had some brillant advice for you but I dont...I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to chat feel free to e-mail me @ ____@____.com

Best Of Luck
A.

Dear M.,

About 15 years ago - when I was single - I bought a house. The guy I was dating at the time had a friend of his come to help me move. One day while I was at work, the friend was moving the contents of my basement to my new house. he found a box that had a celophane wrapper of sand it, and some old notebook paper. He decided it was junk and put the box at the curb. By the time I realized it was missing, the garbage collectors had been gone for days. The contents of the box included all of my report cards from Kindergarten through High School, love letters from my first "love", awards I had gotten, medals I had earned for singing, etc. In a nutshell, it contained all of my life's memories. I was sick about it, and I cried a river. But I learned something. I learned that all the stuff in the box was just "stuff", and that what really mattered was the kind of person I was and the way I chose to live my life. My point is let go of "the stuff" that's weighing you down. Focus on what matters most - and that is you. Take the time to do what you need to do so you don't feel ugly. When you feel like crying, take a short walk and look at all the amazing things in your world. When you feel better about you, things have a way of seeming less overwhelming. Plus, when you feel better, you're better at everything you do...being a mom, wife, step mom, employee.........Eating is most important, not cooking and cleaning. If that means you take a short cut, or use paper plates a couple nights so you aren't buried with kitchen clean up, then I say go for it! Make it simple, not complex and hopefully that will lessen your burden. And by all means, get your husband involved!

Wow, you have brought me back 24 years. You are going through exactly what I went through in the beginning of my marriage. My husband had two children when I met him, a son who was 3 and a daughter who was 3 months at the time. Although I didn't take his children in until I had my own daughter, they did move in with us when they were 10 and 7. Not an easy thing to do, but I am sure you are like I was, you married a package deal and you stand by it. But..... and I do mean BUT!!! You need to take "yourself" into consideration. You are not happy. You are being taken advantage of. Why weren't either parent at that child's first day of school? There is no excuse. Kudos to you, as you realize this child has no fault and you treat him as your own. Your husband needs to start taking responsibility around the house, especially when it comes to dealing with his child and his child's mother. Step back and don't do it all. If it doesn't get done then let it be. When he complains, tell him to get his butt up and do it cause you have enough to do. If you continue to do it all, he's going to continue letting you do it all.

Well, a brief conclusion to my story. My step children and my daughter are grown now and we had another son years later who is not a teenager. After I gave all my life to this man and helped raise his children, dealt with his children's mother, took care of the house, paid the bills, and worked full time, he decided he was going to cheat on me, and did so several times, which I've recently found out. I figured the kids are now grown, now we can do all the things we never had a chance to do because we were busy raising a family.

This doesn't mean that this is what will happen to you, I just want to advise you not to get lost in all of this. Take good care of yourself. Love yourself and don't allow anyone to take advantage of you. You are young and you have a whole life ahead of you.

By the way, my step children keep in touch with me and have given me beautiful grandchildren. They do grow up to love you. They call me more than they call their dad. I love them just as much as I love my own.

First please acknowledge you are a very giving person and that is a very special quality but now it is time to give to yourself. Bravo for going back to work. It wont be easy. You'll feel you are really doing everything if you dont ask your husband for help. You most diffinately must get together with your husband and talk talk talk. Very genlty of course because most men really dont realize how we feel unless we tell them then most of them want to be fixers and most want to make us happy. If you are happy, he is happy. Tell him you appreciate him handling the bills but you would like to know what the bills are also so you will feel like you have some idea of what he is paying. You are not questioning his ability to pay the bills but if there is someway money could be put into a savings account that you could get to if you want to go somewhere with the children or if you simply need new clothes or anything. Let him know that once you start your new job it will be overwhelming but very much needed for you as a person and you will be needing his help with the children. It does sound like he and his ex have left all the responsibility to you for the 5 yrs old, that is sad but you can not take all the burden yourself. Remember you are one person as giving as you sound you will get burned out and start to resent the kids which I so know you dont want to do. As far as the depression. please I urge you to contact your doctor to get on a med. Seratonin gets so sucked out of us women when we are overwhelmed and overtired. Most medicines are so safe and once you are on them and you cant beleive how well you can think clearer and have more patients. Not everyone has to stay on them forever but while on them it is a great help to you and you deserve it.They are not addicting. Also continue to reach out through this fantastic site. So talk talk talk to your husband talk calmly and sweetly. once we start yelling, i swear they dont hear us. it is only when we really compassionately talk to them and tell them we are burnt out and need their big strong shoulders to they come through. Best of luck

I must say first that you need to pat yourself on the back for all you do but can we really be surprised? You are a woman. I have custody of my ex-boyfriends daughter and a 3 year old son of my own. It can be extremely hard but you are never given more than we can handle. Have you ever sat down with your husband and talked to him about what you are going through? Even if he doesn't want to help out you still have to tell him that it's hard for you too. Start out with 2 nights a week where he bathes the children and puts them to bed and 2 nights a week that he cooks and split some of the cleaning you cook he can clean the table and sweep while you do the dishes (I don't know many men that will do dishes). Ask him to do one or two things a night just to help you with the house/family. Sure he makes the money for now but if you switched places and he did your job he would see it is much harder to be you than him. If he isn't good with the finances tell him you will work WITH him instead of you doing it alone or just him doing it alone. You are a family and as such you should work together as much as possible especially with you getting ready to go to work.
About the four year old you need to give him an outlet. You have been his Mom for the last 4 years but he knows you aren't his real mother and I am sure that is affecting him in ways we could never understand. If he is one to be extreme in somethings and have tantrums as most kids do anyway then you need to get all that extra energy out of him. Invite some kids over and set up a kickball game, a treasure hunt where the kids have to race each other for some "treasure". Anything that will help him release what's inside. Karate class is a great outlet it teaches them discipline and control. Sports something that he is into outside of the house. It will help a lot! Well, I really hope your first day at work went well. Everything will work out for you somehow. Good Luck with everything!!

V.

Unfortunatley, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are an extraoirdinary woman/mother. Not many people could or would do what you do for your stepson. Stay strong for your kids. I hear it gets easier as they get older (???) You're kids are your gift and you are theirs. Hang in there. You're doing a great job!!

Hi there! First of all, what you are feeling is normal. You are very young and have taken on a lot for your age, really. What type of work will you be going back to? What sort of child care arrangements have you made? What does your husband do? It sounds like you are more consumed by the step child...didn't hear much in there about your girls! Depression takes a toll on anyone and makes things seem 10 times bigger to battle than if you could use that energy for something else. Being depressed zaps your energy! Where is the stepson's biological mother? Do you feel like you are being used or taken for granted? Hope you can fill in some of the blanks so that it is easier to provide suitable advice or opinion. Hang in there!

Jen P

Hi there. This is my first time on mamasource. It sounds to me it is time to say ENOUGH! As moms we usually think we can do it all, because we want to. But truth is, we cant. That is why we have a partner in life, our husbands. Maybe because you are going back to work you could use that as a starting point for communicating your needs to your husband. Maybe ask him to do a few specific things to start out. Like, the dishes and a load of laundry when he gets home at night, every night. I think when we are not at work some men can take that as we are not working (even though we all know taking care of babies and a home is more than enough work for anyone!). I read once in an article in parenting magazine that we should be very specific in our needs and what we want from our husbands. Instead of just blowing up when we cant take it anymore, when you need help ask for it in the moment calmly and politely. When you feel overwhelmed, try telling yourself that moment with your kids is going to be gone and you cant get it back. Try to make the best of your time together (especially because going to work takes alot out of us). No matter how crazy things get, most important is our family, as you know. Having healthy happy beautiful kids, what else could we ask for? :0)

HI M., welcome! It's a balancing act being a mother, a wife and an employee, but you have to learn what you will tolerate. Try talking to your hubby about what you expect and want. You may have to compromise a little, but if you're on the same page across the board, it'll get much better. I had to do that woth my hubby, but now we are great. We each have our own things that we know we are responsible for, ie: I do dishes and he takes out the garbage; I bathe the kids he puts them to sleep. Sometimes he has to do the dishes if he wants something that's dirty, and sometimes I have to take out the garbage, but that happens. As long as you can get some balance, it will make life much easier. As for the money, just keep your ck and pay your bills, and if his don't get paid, then tell him oh well. He's a big boy, he needs some responsibility. If you want to talk, I'm here for you.

Hi maybe you should have a family meeting with husband and stepson.Explain that you will be working full time and the chores will be divided. set chore claendar and only put things that you know are easily done by both yet still helps you out. Maybe ask family or friends for help once or twice a week.Also, get a seperate checking account so you can have a handle on the finances.Husband may not like it but explain that unless you both have a handle on the finances and the bills are paid correctly( maybe both of you should have an equal allowance) you will have complete control of the monies you make.

Me and my husband had the same sort of problems last year and I felt like I was really doing it alone he was just a worm body to cudlle at night. Then I started talking with my boss at work and he understood and we connected we ended up connecting way to much and I had an affair. When my husband found out he was devistated. We desided that we were going to stay together but things had to change on both ends. We began counsling and know the work for our home our children and our realationship in more closer to fifty fifty. The one thing I would say you all need to do before it is too late is talk to each other tell him how you are feeling. Go from there talk about counsling and desided if you both really want to stay in the relationship. Hope I helped. Hope things get better.

S.

you girls are very young to take on responsibilities like that and then not know what you are doing. so sad. i did it too at your age too. i thought i knew what i was doing!! but i will tell you that you are doing a great sacrifice. please make sure you are taking care of your own needs as well as everyone elses...time goes by sooooooo fast and all the kids will be grown and you are gonna wonder where all the time went. i am 40 and NEVER EVER thought i would be this age and my oldest is 18. boy oh boy i can't stress it enough. so please take care of yourself and get a vacay even if its a weekend over a favorite friends house for a weekend. get your hair done and love yourself. you are doing a great job by loving and accepting these little bundle of joys!!! pat yourself on the back. if you have to doubt why you are doing it then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. cause if it is what you are suppose to be doing in YOUR life then it is just sooo rewarding when they grow up to be a wonderful young adult and you molded them into who they are and hopefully they love themselves like you showed them how to do. good luck girls...get back to me if you want to. i would love to hear from you!!!

You know - god bless you for everything you are doing for your family. You know what though you need to take care of yourself. I suggest going to talk to someone - it might help to talk to a neutral party and they can help give you some perspective. When you are under as much pressure as you are it can make you depressed and you need to address that also.

Hi M.,
Have you tried http://flylady.net/? FlyLady is a great woman who can help you get control of your life by setting up daily, weekly and monthly routines that will make everything seem effortless. It takes some hard work and a lot of baby steps but there are a lot of Fly babies out there proving that it works. Good luck with everything.

M.:

First of all you are not ugly, an ugly human being wouldn't do the things you do for your family and you should be proud of that. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, please know that you can do anything you want to do no matter how difficult it is. I can give you tons of opinions but of course it is easy for me b/c I am not in your shoes, therefore the only smart thing I can say is for you to go and seek professional help, someone that is impartial and can give you the right kind of advice.

The other thing I can say from experience b/c I come from a mother that put up with my father for way to long, they are actually still together, is that your children do suffer and they can feel and see what you feel. You won't be able to make them happy if you are not happy yourself. I am 33 years old and my mom is 51, and she has been so unhappy for as long as I can remember so much that it is normal for her to be that way. It doesn't matter what I share with her nothing makes her happy and it is quite depressing and hurtful for me and my sister. We sometimes feel our accomplishments go unoticed or they don't have any effect on her. You don't want to get to that point. Seek professional help for you and your husband and address things early when it is still fixable. Wish you the best and I hope whatever solution you find is the appropriate one for you and your family. Best of luck.

Hugs to you M., There are a lot of us out there that can feel your pain. As moms - we do it all! Not easy!!! Men are just not capable of seeing and being pro-active in coming to our aid , but it's okay to ask for help. And if the work does not get done today, move on and somehow you will get it done. Be easy on yourself. You will find the balance that you need soon. Don't rush it, don't stress - take a deep breath and count to ten. Your children are very young (the hardest time), but before you know it they will all be in school full time. Then there will be a different set of issues. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Please make the time for yourself (hair, nails, new clothes, movie with friends, drinks with co-workers). You will find you feel so much better. Make a date once a week with your husband, that always helps too.

Anna~

M. i hear ya hun i feel the same sometimes i have 2 children 2 dogs and a house to run i have been a stay at home mom for rufly 3 yrs give or take i manage the bills and the money and the appointments amongst everything else all he has to do is work and hand me all but 100.00 a week thats what he gets for himself. it is not easy i get all that but u also need a breather for yourself see mine is the computer not that it is my first choice by anymeans but its an out for me.
my hubby doesnt understand the frustration either no matter how hard you try some men just dont get it but you need to ask yourself this are you willing to live this way till all these kids are 18 yrs old. now also you are going back to work full time right so you are already preparing to be the man and the women of the house so if his but doesnt change with the proper warning whats the loss. you deserve better and if you can get it hunny more power to you. i have been with my hubby for 13 yrs since jr. high school i know how you feel mine sort of woke up when i told him this is how it is take it or leave it he thought i was joking so when i left he woke up but only to a point they cant change everything about them or they wouldnt be them buti also had to put up with being downed all the time which was sending me into depression but you will find that one day you will realize there is more to life then what you are doing and get the courage to put a stop to it. i am only 27 and i tell yah i wouldnt trade my kids for the world but most days ill trade hubby good luck hun
M. d

Hello M., It's time for your husband to step up to the plate. You have been a stay home mom for 4 years and he obviously don't have no appreciation for you or consideration, just because you are a stay home mom, that doesn't mean that you have to do everything. You are taking care of his three kids and he need to help out. He also need to let you handle the money since he isn't doing right with it. You are too young to have all that stress and responsibilities when you have a husband who should be picking up some of the slack. Good luck when you start work and I hope everything works out in your relationship.

Hi M., i agree with the other advice as well. You are not your husbands mom and u are not your stepsons mom. It is noble of u to do what u do and tolerate so much, btu when your own kids are starting to feel down b/c of it, now u know that u have to stop. U need to set things for ur hubby to do and pay, if they dont get done or paid, then they dont. now i know this is hard b/c u want things done but ur 1st resp. are your kids. Ur stepson has 2 parents of his own and it sounds like ur own kids are only having one right now b/c ur hubby is off in his own fantasy world... its not ur stepsons fault, im not saying dont love him, but dont do extra things that will make u stressed out for your own kids ya know? so i would tell him what ur plan is and if he isnt able to cope with having responsibilty then maybe u should think long and hard about ur relationship with him and what it means to you- its not fair that he puts everything on you. If u need anything, feel free to let me know, im here :)

There appears to be some very conflicting emotions that you are dealing with right now. Most importantly, you have to take care of the depression you are battling. If you are not actively seeing a psychiatrist and therapist you should start sooner than later. Depression only gets worse if untreated and then add the stressors and oh boy!! Start treatment for yourself and have your therapist guide you through the decision making process. Don't just say to heck with it while you are still not feeling yourself. Couples counseling will also help once you start helping yourself. If he refuses to go at that point you may have some tough decisions to make.

Hi my name is S.. I'm a 25 year old mother of 2 awesome children and watch 2 friends kids.I would tell him everything you wrote here. Also tell him you need an hour for you a week pick a day and time and just go for a drive or get a manicure, but if you don't speak up and just let everything stay the way it is you will lose it. You will probaly lose control in front of the kids. Also set 20-30mins a week aside where your husband spends time with each child indiviually. Have him everyother grocery shop go to the store with all of the kids and see how hard it is.

Hey M.,

I can offer some sympathy to you I am also a stepmother to my husbands 6year old daughter whom lives with us during the week. I am responsible for driving her to and from school and getting her ready in the morning and afternoon which is a chore within itself. I also have a 15month old daughter of my own who requires most of my attention. For a long time now we have been struggling financially and putting up with a lot of junk (to use a nice word) from the ex-wife. I have also been with my husband 4years and married for 2 1/2. Unfortunately a problem that occurs is you meet this man fall in love with him and his kid and them have your own and that causes an emotional mess. It is hard and I give any woman credit for even wanting to be in a situation like that. My stepdaughter can be crazy at times and there is only so much you can take before you say something stupid and your fuse burns out.
In recent months I have made an agreement with myself to take control over my life. I have sat and spoken to my husband and taken control of our finances he was reluctant but now that he sees the results he is fine with it. I have Saturday's to do what I want, he takes the kids and I have me time. I have set up a schedule so we have plenty of family activities during the week so the children recieve the necessary attention they need. And we have started going to counseling. From this I have learn that being a step parent is harder than being a parent. I am learning how to deal appropriately with the outburst of a crazy ex-wife and how to take action in my own life. I have suffered from depression my whole life and this last year I almost went over the edge then I thought I am too young to have a nervous breakdown. There is help out there and seeking it will not make you a bad parent or crazy it will help you gain control over your life and releave some of that stress that can be so overwhelming. Also try visiting this website www.stepfamily.org it has some useful links and some good advice. Good luck to you and please let me know if you need any help with anything. It's always nice to know someone in the same boat. Take care.

Look 5 years ago I left the same type of man do for the kids and when he asks y you are not waiting him remind him he is an adult and you both work so you should both share the house work if that doesn't work take your daughters and go