Need a Friend to Listen!

There could be many reasons for your husband to feel the way he does. The top 2 that I could think of is:
1- He's not attracted to you for some reason. Maybe you're not as you were when you got married (ie: weight, hair , wardrobe, etc). or
2- He's cheating.
I know what it's like to deal with an irrational person who when trying to communicate to solve problems, it seems to be nothing but a hassel and all you do is argue. Have you asked him if he's been unfaithful? (I bet that started a fight) Has anything been a little off with him? If so, you have every right to check his cell phone, pockets, even follow him. It may seem wrong or you may feel bad but you're his wife and you have a right. There's no such thing as privacy when you're married unless you set the rules that way. If you wouldn't have a problem if he did that to you, then you have nothing to feel bad about.I once waisted 2 years in a relationship b/c I thought it was wrong to follow up on suspision. Once I did and I was right, I was kicking myself b/c I wish I would've done it sooner. The fact that he wants you to return to work actually ties in both conepts. He either wants you to "occupy" yourself so he can do his thing or He want you to get back in to the swing of things so you can become more like yourself before the baby.I hope I'm not scaring you but like I said, the sooner you rule the worst, the better you'll feel, and the sooner to finding out what is up with him. I wish you all the best. I relly do.

Hi Steph, I read alot of advice from other mom's about this situation and we also had the same problem. The only answer was for one of us to work the day shift and the other work the 3-11 or 11p-7a shift. If my husband hadn't found a job on the off shift I would not have gone back to work. I had also decided to work only P/T after having my children. This way we would care for our kids and not strangers. Family was not an option for us. Not that daycare is bad but no one would take care of our kids the way we would. That is always a concern. But we do sacrifice much for the safety of our kids. You both need to be able to talk with each other about these concerns. If not then maybe marriage counseling would be of benefit. As far as the sex goes, it was hard for us to get back in the 'groove' of things. You both need to be able to talk about any and all issues in your relationship. As one of the other mom's has written, write it down on paper and hopefully he will listen. Please let us know, and good luck with everything. Remember men need sex to feel closeness but woman need closeness to have sex......

hey sounds like the beginign of my marriage.so yeah i can relate quite a bit.drop me a line anytime and i'll listen. i wish i had someone to talk to when all that was going on with me.so i'm ok with listening to someone else.yeah the whole going to work thing is good, just choose wisely. drop me a line we can chat some more. later yajaira

Hi S.

My Name is R., and I know exactly what you are going through!! I have been out of the Navy now for 1 yr and a couple of months, and have been a SAHM ever since! My son went to daycare while I was in the Navy and I was adiment about him being in home daycare! Home daycare is alot better I say because you can interview those people instead of leaving it up to a day care director! My husband is still in the Navy and his schedule is really haywire, and wants me to get a job!! I am really not wanting to get a job either because I don't know anyone other than his family to take care of him!! They all have other things going on so they can't take care of him!! See we just moved up here from Florida, He is origianally from here but I am not!! So I am hesitant to go back to work before My son goes to Preschool!! And the sex thing I sooooo sympathise with you on that one!! I know when things are Hectic for my husband at work, He isn't very sexual either!! SO it could very well be that! Please I definitely know what you are going through, so if you need to talk to someone email me at ____@____.com I would definitely look in to home day cares. If he is adiment on you going back to work! write him a letter and tell him ever thing you are thinking!! If he doesn't want to talk then I would seek counseling!! I hope I was of some help to you! Hope all goes well!

Your Friend
R.

Hi S.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Woman need to feel desired, and although sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, it certainly is a big one. It's really the only thing that makes you and your husband a couple, otherwise you would be just friends!

I don't know how communicaiton works for you two, but it's going to be a big part of finding out what's behind his not trying to be intimate with you. If you are unable to talk about it together, perhaps counseling will work.

This is what I know... forplay isn't just the minutes before sex. It's all day, starting right when you wake up. I know that when I don't feel a great connection with my huband becuase of whatever reason, I don't want to be intimate. I need to feel close and loving all day to want to get closer at night.

There is a possibility that your husbands frustrations with you not working are having an effect on his sex drive. I don't think that's fair, because it's likely that you are working just as hard as him, if not harder!, being a SAHM. But if that's a part of it, try and talk it out with him. Explain the difficulties you are having (tangible and emotional). Talk about the cost of day care. Also, if you go back to work just for him, and you end up not liking it, your resentment towards him will probably grow, causing more marital tension and arguments.

My husband left daytime work shifts to work nights so we didn't have to worry about daycare, and it's worked out so wonderfully for us. Perhaps you can find a job where your schedules don't overlap so daycare won't be necessary. Is your hub willing to take on that much of the care of Leah? If so, that might be a good option. Plus, he'll realize how much you do now!

I hope you get advice from some moms that helps, and that this situation works out for the best! Good Luck.

K.

Hi! My name is C.. I cant say I know what you are going through, but I understand that you dont want to put your daughter in day care. I had the same dilema, I wanted to get a job because we were having a hard time surviving with only one income, so I got a job working evenings (after 3:30) so my fiance can watch our daughter. Is this a possibility for you? You need to tell your husband you need to talk and express all your feelings about everything. If that doesnt help maybe you can find a counselor that you can talk to who can help with your depression. If you need someone else to talk to, I'm willing to listen :) email me @ ____@____.com if you have AIM or yahoo or something, :) Keep your head up!!

I totally admire you , and understand your situation . Day care is an option, although it is highly costly , and at some times you wonder what kind of care some places give to the children. I for one am scared to send my kid off to day care. He will be three in December, and i have been a stay at home mom for about a year now. Although it can be tough financially, In my situation it works. I believe that the money I would make in any job at this point, would be enough to send my child to day care, which would leave my husband and i with no financial gain or money to put away into a savings account. So really , you must look at it that way. Especially since the child is still so young, she probably would benefit from staying at home with you , than she would having someone else take care of her while you are at work. Bottom line is that you are her mother, and you know what is best for her. IF staying at home with her, until you feel that she and you are ready for her to attend day care, than it is your responsibilty to have a sit down with your husband and let him know what you think is right. As far as your husband lack of appreciation for you is farely obvious by what you are saying , it might be beneficial for you both to go to couples therapy. It might be helpful to have an outside person who does not know your situation to help you and your husband get back into a more balanced relationship, and a more united and intimate one. Your husband might have underlining issues that he may not realize , especially that he seems to be putting more pressure on you, and ignoring your desire to be with him intimately. It might open up more lines of communication, and more of a sexual relationship. Just a thought. I am hear if you want to talk or write ____@____.com

I can't rely to your problem but I think you should search more into the issue of you r husband having no sex with you, Could be something outside(?). Also I notice that mans like their girl to work I guess if you get a job things will get better b/c he will appreciate you more and you both will have less stress to deal with. I know is scari to leave your kid in a daycare but thats life she will be fine and she will survive. Working is very good for a relationship if he wants you to work. Good Luck

S... i would love to chat with you and get to know your situation more. I am a 22 year old mother of one (soon to be 2) and i have had o so similar arguments with my husband. I would love to share with you.. if you would like to chat email me at ____@____.com

Hi S.,
My name is L. I am 41 and a mother of 2 teenagers. My youngest graduates this year. Please give your daughter more credit. Through her actions she will let you know if she likes the daycare. Believe me kids have a way of showing parents if they are happy or not. When my son was young, about the same age as Leah, I took him to daycare and he screamed the whole time. I knew he was not happy when the daycare center called and asked me to come get him. She may cry in the beginning because she is away from you but teaching our children to interact and share with others is so important.
As for your husband, it's very hard to be the only one in a household working and supporting a family. He may be stressed to the limit all the time. I am a single parent and know how stressful it is to be the sole breadwinner in a household. You going back to work could ease up on the stress he's feeling and he may respect you more as well. Nowadays it does take both parents working to get ahead. Anytime you need to talk I would be very glad to be there for you. Take care and best of luck to you.

Hi Steph, I can relate to what ur saying and it can be very frustrating! When u have children alot changes in ur life. I was married to an abusive husband and after 20 yrs. I divorced, I met a man 6 yrs ago and up until a month 1/2 ago our intimacy was very nice and all the sudden hes not interested, I hear u when u say it makes u feel unattracted! I dont know ur hubby but some things to think about is: u have a new child and that alone changes things and puts pressure on men bcuz they need to provide, also I dont know what he does for work but if u want to avoid day care and the expenses y not take in a couple kids in ur home to babysit that way ur working and still there for ur daughter. Or the last thing is do you think there is someone else cuz usually if ur gut tells u there is another women most likely there is... I dont want to depress you anymore than what u are but keep in mind that when u two fight it puts stres on the little one. If you would like to talk you can email me at ____@____.com, good luck hun and DON'T blame urself!!!

Hi S.,
my suggestion is to write him a letter explaining how you feel and how hurt you are, since he won't listen to reason. another thing is tell him he isn't getting sex from you only when it is convient for him. tell him it goes both ways. sounds to me like he is being a jerk. as far as the daycare issue goes. does he realize how much daycare cost and your whole paycheck w and part of his will go to daycare. if after that i would consider your options. marriage counseling maybe. i am sorry i could not offer more advice. good luck and let us know what happens

Hmmm, unfotunately I can't give you much advice about the sex issue, but I will comment abou the working issue. My husband and I are fortunate to have my parents around, and they are VERY active in my son's life. So he has always been able to stay with me, my husband, or my mom, dad, or grandmother. In August (after he'd turned 3) we put him in daycare part-time so that he could play with kids his age. I,personally, would not have had it any other way. I know that many families don't have a choice, but if you can possibly stay home with your daughter for even another year, you'd probably feel much better. If that's not posible, maybe you could look for a day care that accepts children part-time (and charges half-price), then you could get a part-time job. By the time you paid for daycare, you wouldn't clear much money at the end of the week, but it would get you out of the house, your daughter would have other kids to play with, and maybe your huband would stop bugging you so much. Oh... you might try looking for daycares run by churches. Sometimes they're a little cheaper and a little more flexible. My son's offers an OPTIONAL bible hour once a week, and that's basically the only religious aspect of it.
goodluck!