What Age in Inappropate for Granddaughter to Sleep with Grandmother

You have all had a massive amount of trauma to deal with.
(Did you daughter and son in law remarry each other or different people?)
The co sleeping is a stop gap measure - a coping mechanism.
I'm not sure it can work as a long term solution.

I think you all need some long term therapy to help you all come to terms with everything that's happened to your family.
I think you all need more than a grief support group.
You, your daughter and your granddaughter should all be attending Al-anon meetings to help you deal with your son in laws alcoholism - his drinking affects all your lives.

My two cents: I think you love her deeply. I also think you both have been through a tremendous amount, but you don’t want her to have added emotional pressure in her relationship with you. Wonky boundaries make kids feel pressure. I think this little girl has a job: she feels responsible to comfort her grandma and make sure Grandma is safe. I don’t think kids should have such huge emotional responsibilities. I would encourage her to sleep in her own bed. The adults in her life need to teach her proper emotional and physical boundaries. You can comfort her during the day and before bed.

My 9 year old granddaughter likes to sleep with me when I visit. I used to sleep with my grandma when my grandpa was out on the road trucking. I dont see anything wrong with it.

I really like Momandlovingit's response.

I think your granddaughter needs her own bed, and you can go in and read to her, and have PJ time, until she's drowsy - but let her sleep in her own bed. If she needs to regress a little to feel secure right now - totally understandable. Let her have that. But do it in her bed.

Once she's settled - then have the occasional sleepover fun night with Grandma. Let it be about fun, watch a movie, etc.

I don't see this routine as ending well. She'll wake up, check on Grandma, it can result in anxiety, it's from fear - which never ends well. Kids need adults to set boundaries and say "You will be absolutely fine in your bed and it's the best place for you to get your sleep". They need the adult to say that. They don't need their two adults disagreeing on what's best for them. This will cause confusion and upset them. Agree with mom.

I am sorry for loss and I hope you fully recover from your operation :)

Added: I also like B's suggestion of therapy - I think that's a great idea because support comes in many ways, and you've all been through a lot. Kids often just need to talk to an adult who has not been through any of it. They just open up like a flower and let it all out - which is all kids need sometimes.

I understand this sort of thing. I'm a grandparent raising grandchildren. I suggest you consider going into the girl's room at bedtime and perhaps sit with her. Have a book reading time. She can read to you and you can read to her. It will be private time but it will also show respect to the mother.

I have grandkids in my bed quite often. They aren't feeling good or they have had a stressful day or they just want to feel someone else there with them. I don't have a problem with it. Not one. But my daughter thinks it's creepy. We don't have to answer to her but I don't want teenagers sleeping in my bed...lol.

It's something you'll have to think about and how you want to move forward with your granddaughter. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes.

what is inappropriate about it?

the only red flag i see in this is your granddaughter's fear of losing you. you do want to help her develop a healthy attitude toward life events that she can't control, and not to be debilitated by fearfulness and helplessness.

but if you are both comforted by a family bed there's nothing inappropriate about it. i presume you're not a child predator, and that your daughter doesn't object. outside of that enjoy your bond with her.

khairete
S.