I'm not looking to get overly involved in this, but I feel like there are some life lessons to be taught here and I could sure use the perspective of you wise ladies. My daughter is a sophomore in HS, and currently has a boyfriend. To be more specific, this is her first boyfriend, and this is the second time they have been 'labeled' this. At the end of freshman year, they decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend (she can't go on 1-1 dates until she's 16) and they were together for about one month. I think she was sort of unprepared to have a boyfriend and decided she wanted to break up with him. She was very nice about it, and they parted as friends- they share the same friend group, so they actually did remain friends and still socialized.
Cut to about two weeks ago, the group had been spending lots of time together and she said that she still had feelings for Will, and felt like he liked her again as well. So on text, she sort of did the fishing expedition to find out if he liked her and tell him she liked him. He asked her out again and she said yes. Well, tonight she said she thinks she wants to break up with him.
My husband thinks I'm overreacting and that this is common at their age. I know teenage relationships can be clunky, etc., but twice? It's not as if I was hoping she was planning to marry her first boyfriend, I get that teen romance is fleeting. My issue is that when she told me that she was telling Will she liked him again, I told her that she needs to take his feelings very seriously, to think very hard before moving forward into a relationship again. She promised that she was sure this time (I realize that at 15 with no previous boyfriend I may be asking too much of her to know what being 'sure' looks like). She says she feels really bad about hurting him again, but I kind of don't see it. So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see a lot of empathy and care from her in this situation.
I know she needs to handle this herself, but I'm feeling like I need to suggest ways to let him down easy (again). I'm also wanting to find ways to teach her empathy in regard to teen relationships. I swear sometimes kids don't think they are real since they exist mainly through their phones. I love my daughter very much, she doesn't give me any trouble, very sweet teen. I just can't help but feel so badly for Will and I'm disappointed in her handling of this whole thing. Not sure what to do so that she does better next time.
Thanks in advance!
You can talk to her about empathy, but the truth is she more then likely will not truly understand until a boy breaks her heart (and it will happen eventually).
Have you raised her to treat others the way she wants to be treated and to imagine herself in their shoes? She doesn't HAVE to stay with him, but she shouldn't go back and forth with him either. I think you hold back until she asks you for advice on this. Trust what you have done with her so far and hope she does the right thing.
They're kids. They're practicing at real life but they don't know what they are doing.
And yes, they are communicating by text which eliminates any nuances, facial expressions or other feedback. So he's as removed from his feelings as he is from hers.
But you can't do anything about it. You can casually ask how she thinks HE is feeling, But you can't date for 2 weeks and then break up and then think someone is devastated and then date someone else and then....you get the idea.
Let it go, stay out of it. The more you critique her, the less likely it is that she will come to you with problems. It doesn't mean it's right. It means it's not your circus, not your monkeys.
Bottom line - they are all too young to really have lasting relationships. They try to pair up, they only want the person who likes them enough to make it worthwhile for them to commit, and then they find they can't handle it or don't like the person.
What kind of empathy do you see her show in other situations? Does she care about others in general? Does she see misery in the world at all? Or is she very sheltered?
I guess I'm asking this because you have said that you can't see that she "feels really bad about hurting him again". It could be that she hasn't learned much empathy if her life is pretty easy. Obviously, we want our children to be shielded from bad things in life, but if we shield them too much, they either aren't ready for any hardship and when it comes (and it will), they can crumble. And they can also not learn to care about anyone else's hardship.
I would advise you to find an outlet that will help her see what it's like for life to be a bit hard, Cade. Perhaps she can work at a soup kitchen, or do something for a homeless shelter. You need to be a part of that so that she isn't on her own for it. If her school has something that other teens, not part of her circle, work on, that would be good.
About this kid, he has to learn about girls like your daughter. I have boys, and I admit that I would hate a girl to do this to my boys. But then again, I had a boyfriend who dumped me 4 times in my teen years. When he showed up at my dorm to help me move in, my mom looked at my dad and said "Here we go again..." Well, I've been married to this guy for 33 years now. He just wasn't ready for me to be his "only" yet, and to him, that meant breaking up. It's hard as parents to watch it, I know.
It sounds pretty normal to me. I consider myself a nice person but at that age I didn't have enough life experience to do the right thing by other people. Someone, one day, will break her heart and it will refine her. Most of us, have to learn through pain..
There is no way to let someone down easy. I would reiterate what you already told her, and tell her that if she's breaking up with him again, she needs to be certain, because she can't keep playing with his emotions.
I would also warn her that he will probably start to look attractive again once he becomes interested in someone else, because that's usually the way it works, especially at her age.
She's young, this is her learning curve. Just keep reminding her to be kind.
Why the rush to an exclusive relationship?
She can like him and date him and still like and date other guys.
Just like he can like her and date her and still like and date other girls.
This is DATING - not an engagement!
I'd advise her to be nice but let him know she plans to date other guys too and she should let him know that she's ok if he does the same in dating other girls.
If she (or he) gets into feelings of possessiveness or jealousy - then they are too young for dating ANYONE and need to quit it until they are more mature.
how on earth is this yours to deal with?
?
khairete
S.
I wouldn't do or say anything unless she asks. This is one of those things that you just have to learn from experience. She needs to do this herself.
Of course he had feelings, and she should care about his feelings. But he's a big boy, and he needs to learn how to deal with a broken heart.
Let them figured this out on their own. That's the best way for them to learn.
I'd probably sit down and have a chat about feelings and expectations with her at this point. Let her know that you trust her to make good decisions and you know she will but in this case you are concerned because she's not taking someone else's feeling into account when she's deciding things. Ask her to put herself in Will's shoes for a minute and see how she would feel if someone said I really like you, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't, well maybe I might.
I'd explain it as someone tall holding her favorite candy bar and asking if she'd like it. But when she says yes they hold it just out of her reach and say they've changed their minds and will be keeping it. She's being selfish by thinking only of herself. I'm not saying that she needs to go out with someone just because it could hurt their feelings but she needs to think her feeling through before playing games with this poor boy.
I think that if you are close, you might be able to help her sort out her feelings. Does she like Will, would like to date him occasionally, but doesn't want to be tied into a boyfriend/girlfriend label?
You might explain to her that it's ok to date someone casually, as long as the other person understands that it's not an exclusive relationship.
You might say that you agree that she's too young to be tied down to one person.
You might also explain that "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" are just words, and there is no reason to be nervous about the words. If she enjoys spending time with him (and clearly she does, because they spent time as friends even after they broke up the first time), then she should focus on that, and worry less about what their relationship is called.
I don't have teen kids yet. But I distinctly remember being a teen with my first boyfriend, who was a friend for a long time before that, and somehow just change in the label freaked me out. I wish someone had helped me sort it out.
I like Diane's D advice. It has what I have have done when my kids were a littl thoughtless with friends on/off again. I say how would you feel? Were you being kind/respectful? And remind them that if they are jerks people aren't going to like/respect them. I talk to them about it as life lesson not so much get involved they have to do that themselves.
Kids do this it's a learning process. A guy or friend will likely do it to her at some point.
I think you're too involved and need to step back. There are lots of things you will need to teach her, but you've already commented appropriately on this situations and that is enough. This is something she will need to sort out on her own and that might involve things going badly and having to deal with fallout. Let her handle it.
It's a good thing that you guys are close and she talks to you. Keep those communication lines open. But you have to let her figure out how to address these situations herself. Even if you tried to prepare her with the "right" words, they would be totally laughable by this generation. Don't mean to be harsh or cruel, but honest. Be there for your own kiddo and prepare for dealing with her heartbreak, don't fuss over what is said or heard outside of your control. It's just too much!
I would be pleased that my daughter was comfortable enough to share all of that with me, and I would listen to her. You can ask questions, but I would try to stay away from too many hard *suggestions* about how to handle things. She really will not be able to understand until she's on the other side and someone breaks her heart. However, there are other ways to learn to be more considerate, and one of them is the backlash of their mutual friends when they see one hurting another repeatedly. They will eventually have their own opinions about how "okay" it was that things were handled in the way they were. And she will learn from that fallout.
They are learning. Both of them. All of them. It's okay to remind her of that, while at the same time setting the expectation that she should actually learn something from this.
But really, be glad that she comes to you to talk through this stuff. Let her talk. Listen. And help her figure herself out as best you can without lecturing or preaching or telling her what to do and how to handle things.
I would tell her she's not "mature" enough to be in relationships till after high school. I know my advice is not favorable but nowadays kids are encouraged way too much to start "dating". I guess I'm old fashioned and wish dating was a bit more like courting. Not sure how to suggest ways to let him down a 2nd time. My thoughts are that all these electronics are taking empathy away from everyone.
