Wedding Issue

I think I have rewritten this a million times. IT always ends up being super long.. I want to keep it short.

It the B and G's day. NOt the inlaws. If they were paying for stuff, they should have more of a say. If not, they lose that right. However, B and G still need to respect the parents on both sides( religious or tradtions, etc..)
B and G need to write down what is important to them about that day. Are they willing to sacrifice a giant impersonal wedding, for a small intimate one. Have quality, not quanity type of a thing.

Have you daughter and fiance be very upfront about their desires. I promise you once the guide lines are drawn, everyone will work around them. You have to have guidelines. Otherwise other people will start making decisions for you. And its not their place. Unless of couse, you allow them to do that.

Its hard to come to that decision, because you do want everyone to be happy. As the planning comes along and the day gets closer, it really gets easier.

The inlaws are just voicing their needs right now, so that you don't forget them. But good inlaws will respect their son and new daughter's desires. And they will get over it, if they don't initially agree.

The first step is deciding what KIND of day they want, voicing it to EVERYONE. Plan the day, as if they are NOT receiving help financially. Do not count on money that isn't there. And in the end, if it super important that the inlaws have those extra guests, then they need to pay for them:)

Oh and include the Mother in law. Sometimes having her there for things, like narrowing down choices, like places if you can't decide between two, or dresses (especially final fittings) or picking the flowers... really makes her feel included and a part of the planning.
Good luck. and congrats.

This is simple, because the bride and groom are grown adults. They should plan every detail to their liking, because it's their wedding. They should also let others, like the in-laws, know the cost per plate. If they have a budget, they should follow it and invite accordingly. Let the in-law know upfront what it cost and if they want to pay for the remainder of guests...well show them the bill. They may think differently after they see what it would cost. This way the bride and groom will be in control of everything. This is supposed to be one of the biggest days of their lives. It shouldn't be spoiled by anyone even if it's the parents.
Best of luck..
T.

If the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, then all decisions are to be made by them. Tell them to put a limit on the number of guests that each of the parents can invite... 6, 8, 10 people. Then the rest of the people are up to them. I do not think that they should have to pick out a less desireable location or menu just to please two people who are not paying for it. Or, another option is to tell the grooms parents that if they want to keep a big list, then they will have to pay for the additional people. But personally... I would not want to have people at my wedding that I did not know, as I am assuming that the people the parents want to invite, are their friends/coworkers who are not actual family members. They have already had THEIR day, now it is time for them to step back and allow the kids to have their own day.

Good Luck, this is going to be a tricky one.!

Great advice has been already given. What we found when our daughter got married 11 years ago was that having a 'planning' meeting with her fiancee's parents was crucial because it helped us all know what we expected and what was realistic financially speaking. We basically agreed at that meeting that it was the kids' wedding and they had final say about everything. His mother let us know what she could afford to pay and what she would really like to provide (the flowers) and we agreed to let her do that. My husband and I were able to afford more financially than she could and had no problem with helping in that way. The one sticking point we ended up having with her was whether or not alchohol was to be allowed at the reception. We're a non-drinking family and both bride and groom preferred no alchohol. His mom, family and friends drink and she felt to not have it was an insult to them. After much discussion, checking into the requirements of the facility where the reception was to be held (big $$$$ for security if we served alchoholic drinks) and the cost of the beverages, her son told her that they did not want to have alchohol served but that if it was a really big issue for her, they would allow her to pay the cost of that part of it. That settled it immediately as she wasn't willing to pay.
Bottom line is it is the kids' wedding, they should have it their way... with consideration for both families... and they should be encouraged to handle the issues with both sets of parents themselves. We are fortunate that our daughter and her husband aren't afriad to speak their minds. I was set in my place by my daughter on a couple of issues and his mother was set in her place by him. We chaffed a bit at the time, but soon got over it. I can say 11 years later that we are all good friends and enjoying our grandchildren immensly.

Dear D.,

As a former caterer and wedding planner, I have seen this and much worse. You must be the exception because usually it is the mother-of-the-bride that tries to take over.

The bride and groom should decide exactly what they want (make a plan and stick with it). Calculate what the various costs will be (no item is too small to take into consideration right down to the last mint plus tax and tip).

The Invitation Lists

Couple’s List

Family of Brides’ List

Family of Groom’s List

(P.S. The bride and groom have the right of VITO)

Decide on the number of guests that the couple can REALLY afford

On the inside envelope that WILL/SHOULD be hand written along with the OUTSIDE envelope that WILL/SHOULD be hand addressed, you can write/stress:

Adult Reception or Children Welcome
Mr. Tom Anderson and one guest are cordially invited
Mr. & Mrs. Dave Ramsey are cordially invited, we hope to see both of you
Mr. & Mrs. Will Kohl and family are cordially invited; we look forward to seeing the five of you.

Give both families the number of guests they CAN invite.

If the groom’s mother/father feel that they can’t cut their list…that’s O.K. They reposition their list and host a few parties (NO GIFTS), prior to or after the wedding (TO SHARE IN THE COUPLE’S JOY), and just let the one’s not coming to the wedding know that the guest list was limited…no specific reason required!

The groom needs to have a heart-to-heart with his family. It’s the couple’s big day, that doesn’t mean to cater to every whim (especially if there is a Bridezilla attitude going on…I’m sure that’s not the case here), it simply means it’s their BIG DAY and a few people just might have to be the bigger person.

There is so much more I could say, but I think this will be a good start!

Blessings…. Can’t wait to hear “SO WHAT HAPPENED”.

Hi D.,

Your daughter needs to talk to her groom about setting boundaries with his parents. He has had the relationship with them all these years so the boundaries need to come from him. As a couple they need to make their own decisions and your daughter should know her husband will support boundaries with his parents once they are married. The bride and groom really need to set up boundaries with each other and their parents now, don't wait. His parents may get upset but it's better to find out what kind of people they are now before you have children and are tied to them for life.

If the bride and groom are paying for the wedding the choices for the wedding and guest list are theirs. If your daughter has a special place in mind find out how much the per person cost will be. Figure out how many guest they have money for, who those guests are and ask his parents for that amount per guest, if they refuse to cut their list.

I learned about proper boundaries around the age of 35. I really wish I would have known about them a lot sooner. Life is a lot less stressful now.

I hope this helps.
L.

This is where your daughter and her boyfriend are going to have to learn to be adults. They have a right to have the wedding their way and if they want it that way they have to learn to stand firm. In order to do that, however, they will have to be willing to go without the in-laws' money. If they don't take money from anyone they are beholden to no one.

I haven't read through everyone's responses yet, but when I was planning my wedding, I had a very similar experience. Actually, my husband's family was practically non-existent in the process, but the two sides of my own family had a lot to say about how my wedding should be. (We were not getting financial help from anyone, either!)

My future husband walked into my home office to see me reading my emails and crying about 8 months before the wedding, and he looked me right in the eye and said, "Catherine, the only thing that matters is that we get married. None of this other stuff matters."

Well, that really resonated with me. Valentine's day was a week away, and we decided then and there to elope to Las Vegas! I sent out an email to my family and friends letting them know the date and time we'd be getting married, and told them they were welcome to come if they wanted, and if they couldn't come, we'd send them pictures. Even on that short notice, probably 20 people came (including my grandmother, who drove there with a cake in the trunk of the car because she was worried I wouldn't have one!). Since we were officially eloping, we were under no pressure to plan anything elaborate. We did have dinner with everyone after the ceremony, and then after that people managed to amuse themselves (it was Las Vegas, after all!).

To this day, I'm not sorry that I took matters into my own hands and did my wedding my way, with the main goal being low stress. Because sure enough, the ONLY THING that matters is that the bride and groom end up married! Sometimes we get so wrapped up in planning the wedding that we forget about planning the marriage. And a big part of being married is sticking by each other and supporting each other, no matter what else happens, and not letting other people demand things of you and your spouse that you don't want.

I hope your daughter can find a way to have the day she wants!!

Dear D.,
Oh Lord....
My son only just turned 13 and I am already dreading the day he gets married. Which is sad. His father is such a control freak and I can't even stand to be at the same baseball game or sports event around him because all he does is run his mouth and make a fool of himself.
That said, in your case, if the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, then they make the rules. The last thing they need is a wedding nightmare. It should be THEIR wedding and THEIR guest list. It doesn't matter if one side of parents pays or if both pay....the invitation list is not up to them. Grandmas, Grandpas, favorite Aunt Martha, those kind of people should obviously be included.
It is tacky and SO unfair for one set of parents to expect the wedding to be discounted or downsized or whatever you want to call it, so that one side of the family can have all the guests that they want there. I have never heard of such a thing. "Son.....we have 150 people on our guest list, so, the cake is out and you're gonna have to get married at the Holiday Inn so you can afford to feed everybody at the $7.95 all you can eat brunch buffet to make this work." I know it's hard, but your future son-in-law needs to get a back bone and say, "This is OUR guest list, this is how WE have things planned and this IS the way it's gonna be. This is OUR wedding...the way WE want it." They do have the option of spending their money to go off to an island and get married just the two of them if the hassle gets too big.
Weddings are supposed to be joyous. And, it needs to be remembered that it is for the bride and the groom. Not for the parents who already had their weddings. Their way.
I just hope it all works out and the focus can be on your daughter and her future husband. Hey...your daughter is marrying their son and you'd think they wouldn't want to drive her to being someone they can't stand because of their pushiness.
Best of wishes!

Dear D.,
When my husband and I got married almost 12 years ago, we paid for the wedding ourselves. We did this because my mother wanted to take over the whole event. It's not like she never had her own wedding (she remarried in 1988 and had a formal wedding herself). She is a control freak with narcisistic tendencies. I hope your daughter's in-laws are not in this same category. I just wanted to say that they (your future son-in-law & daughter) need to tread lightly, but also set their guidelines very early on. The issues that will come up in planning the wedding will set the tone for their entire married life in dealing with his parents. We still have issues with my mother. In extreme times of change, (weddings, birth of grandchildren, and funerals), in-laws will either be totally supportive (although they will not always agree) or they will be PITAs and cause undue stress. Your daughter and future son-in-law need to figure out which camp his parents are in. Parents often feel as if a child's wedding is the time to prove to others how well they have done. This gets in the way of the true reason we have weddings in the first place.
That all being said. Here is what I would do. Have you future Son-in law call his parents and explain the financial situation. Tell them that with the guest list the size they want either they will have to pay $X amount or cut the number. He needs to let them know that this is coming from him-not your daughter. I would also tell them that he is not asking them to help with any other expense (if that is the case), but it is THEIR wedding and they are not going to change the place or menu to fit his parents.

I hope they can work through this. It is a horrible thing when bad feelings overshadow life's truly happy moments. Good Luck to them and you.

We eloped, then had a wedding in my hometown to make my parents happy - then another ceremony and banquet in Morocco to make my in-laws happy. After all that - I figured out what a bride needs for a happy day and what is extraneous.
She needs the perfect:
Man
Dress (so the pictures look good)
the ring she wants
the honeymoon the happy couple wants
a good maid of honor
the vows that matter to the lovebirds
Everything else is just stuff - including the guests.
Our "american" wedding was done on a shoestring budget - we did all the cooking, I did my own hair 'cuz it was Labor Day weekend and the only salon in town was closed. I am no longer friends with my Maid of Honor, and my dress was home made - it was definitely not the elegant affair I dreamed of as a little girl. We couldn't afford a photographer so my aunt took the pictures. A few years later I stopped sighing when I passed a bridal shop because I still had my man and we were still crazy for each other. That was 19 years ago...I got my dream ring for our 16th Christmas and a gorgeous little boy, we just moved into our dream house last year.
I would have to dust off the wedding video to even tell you who came other than the ones I love most.

FIrst of all the wedding is about the bride and groom. This is a real similar situation to what I went through with my husbands step-mom. She wanted half of the wedding pics but didn't pay for them and threw a fit. She called me to tell me that I couldn't have my honeymoon on the day and place that my husband and I had spent hours picking out and then she called the travel agent and changed eveything. she had another fit when I wasn't happy about her changing my plans. She changed the order of who my bridesmaids walked in with when I was in the back waiting to walk out. I had no idea until I saw my photos. She wore a black dress to the wedding even though I told her that I wanted her and my mom to match and that my mom was wearing a blue dress. She didn't send any of the invitations to my husbands family members like she said she would (none of them knew that he got married), the list goes on and on! Don't let their plans get ruined by his parents. They'll regret it after it's all said and done. You could sit them (his parents) down and tell them that these are the plans and that's how the wedding is going to go. They (his parents) had their wedding now let them have their own. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have told her that if she doesn't wear what I asked her to wear then she won't be in the wedding group amongst other things I should've told her. Good luck to you. I pray that God gives either you or your child courage to stand up to a couple of over controlling people.

When my husband and I got married 7 years ago, we were very clear upfront with both sets of parents. We stated we would pay for the entire wedding ourselves and make all the decisions. We did turn to our parents for certain ideas or to request their input on things, but they understood we would be making the final decision. When either of them didn't agree with our decisions, we just would say, sorry you feel that way, next time you get married you can do it your way. (Gentle reminder that this wasn't their decision to make) This will hopefully be your daughter's one and only wedding, she needs to have a serious talk with her fiance so he can talk to his parents about backing off. My mother-in-law can be on the overbearing side, but my husband does a great job of being a mediator. By paying for things ourselves, our parents didn't feel entitled to make any decisions. We ended up having to take out a loan to pay for the wedding, but we did it our way, had a fantastic day and have no regrets. Both sets of parents had a great time too and all those little choices we made that they may not have liked didn't end up mattering in the end. She needs to do things her way though, or she will end up feeling resentful towards his parents, and that can be hard to get over and cause problems since they are going to be in her life for a long time. So stand up to them, but do it in a kind way without harsh words. Chances are, his parents are just overexcited about things and don't realize how they are coming off. Especially since the bride usually does a lot of the planning so her family tends to be more involved in the decision making, so that may be hard for them to handle (especially if they don't have any daughter's or if he is an only child). They may feel like this is their only wedding etc to plan, and lets face it, the bride usually takes control of all the planning! Just try to give your daughter all your support you can. She'll need it.

I think ultimately the bride and groom have final say as to whom they would like attend the wedding. This is their day...not the parents....especially if they are footing the bill. Usually it is the bride's parents who would foot the bill, in which case, you would have more say in terms of guests you would like to include. If both sets of parents foot the bill, then you divide the guest list...10% are your friends, 10% are the in-laws friends and the rest belong to the children. That's how I'd keep the peace. Good luck!

My husband and I got married 2 years ago. His parents are emmigrants and have developed a huge network (my husbands "aunts" and "uncles")over the years - they moved here for college.

My in-laws really got trapped in the cycle of "well if we invite them...then we have to invite this other family." There were some people they wanted to invite that my husband didn't even know! We ended up having to give them a set number of people. We also let them know that if they wanted to host a seperate reception at their home we would be fine with that. (They quickly dropped this idea once they saw the planning that needed to go into it).

Also, this is a covnersation that her fiance needs to have with them. Your daughter and finace need to first be on the same page and then he needs to talk to them. It'll be good practice for other things that come up in the future.

Another thing - We had 2 'budgetary meetings', one with may parents and one with his. I had everything laid out on a spreadsheet - all of the expenses, the cost cost range if it was something that hadn't been finalized (some line items had a final cost estimate or the most we were willing to spend on that particular item). It also had places where we needed help. Each family could clearly see all of the cost involved and could contribute what they could.

As a side note, one of the people who didn't get invited to the wedding recently (yes two years later) went up to my brother-in-law at a graduation and told him they were still upset about not coming to his wedding. Yes, my brother-in-law...my husband's younger brother. They didn't even know who was who but expected to be invited!! So it had more to do with social politics than actually being part of a very personal celebration.

Hmmm well I'd say that the they should get married whereever they want. If the guest list on the other side becomes too large... then the groom's family can pay for the extras. This kind of thing irritates me. I have already told my family that they will not be inviting life long friends who live in the boonies of Iceland and expecting me to pay for it. Of course, be appreciative of the money that they are willing to contribute, but if it comes to head that it's more of an issue... might be easier if they are just going to pay for it themselves.

I have been in wedding central lately as I have only been married for 3 years and many friends are going through the process as well right now! When the bride and groom are paying for the wedding themselves then neither parents get a say... however that does not mean they won't try. It is really up to the bride and groom to set boundaries, maybe your son-in-law to be is the best person for the job with his own parents. The one lesson I have learned from talking to both sides parents and friends is that you want to find a balance that makes for a long term family happiness without bitterness on any side. Sometimes this means some compromises that the bride and groom may be hesitant to make, but it is important to look at the big picture. At the same time it is the job of the parents to do the same for the children and make sure that the wedding is their day, especially when they are paying for it!!!!

I don't have older kids and haven't been through this, but I wanted to share a story my parents told me when my husband and I were planning our wedding. We have a large family and my parents owned a business and know a lot of people. When we realized that we were going to have to cut our wedding list, my parents said, you cut who YOU want. There were several friends of my parents on the list, but those people were simply "acquaintances" of mine, so I cut those people in favor of people I knew better. My parents said they were fine with that because apparently my grandparents made my parents cut their own friends before distant family and "acquaintance" family friends and 20+ years afterwards when I was in the same position, they still remembered not being able to invite people that were most important to them. They remember having a bunch of people there they really didn't know. They didn't want that for me. I would imagine your daughter and her future husband would likely feel the same.

What I really don't understand is if the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, his parents really shouldn't have a say - OK, they can give their opinion, but the couple doesn't have to take it. NO WAY should they cut their own friends for his parent's friends. If the bride and groom have issues with this it's up to them to set boundaries. Set them now or they only get worse (like when they have kids - yikes!)

What about suggesting this. The couple plans their wedding as they see fit and cut who they want. If his parents want those people back on the list then they can pay for them, at the venue that the couple has chosen - since his parents supposedly want to contribute - this would give them a set amount to contribute. If it's too expensive, then oh well. Sounds like they are using the allure of money to control your daughter and future son-in-law.

I would just be wary of how you present this to your daughter. If she's already brought it up to you and it's bothering her then you are probably OK, but if not, you probably want to pick your spots. You wouldn't want to be called controlling yourself.

there is really no easy why to tell them to back off but someone will need to because its there wedding there day there money there life at some piont mom and dad just have to step back im glad that you have but maybe it would be easyest for you to talk to them or maybe when the kids are going to book something you can get the soon to be inlaws out of the way so they can do what they want for there day if you are going to be the one that says something to them or whoever does should make sure to think over there words for a day or so before talking to them or maybe spred it out by making little coments here and there like siding with the bride and groom and keep saying things like i want you to be happy with what you get and i want you to get things you want not what you think i want you to get i dont know just a few ideas good luck and congrats on the new son in law

When my husband & I got married, we planned on paying for the wedding ourselves. My Dad then offerred to pay for some of it. He, too, didn't give a specific amount right away, which made making choices about location, catering, invitation list, etc. a little difficult. So, we just decided to figure out what we could afford and make our descisions based solely on that amount. We considered anything my Dad contributed as a bonus, and after explaining this to him, really didn't feel like we had to consult him or risk offending him with our choices. He did express some "wishes" as far as inviting one of his close childhood friends, etc., but overall I think everyone was comfortable with the boundaries we set because we took the money thing off the table. In the end I think my Dad was glad to be able to just write a set amount of money instead of offering to pay for one entire part of the event, i.e. the reception location or catereing costs. And we didn't feel limited in where and what we wanted for our wedding. Whatever your daughter does, I agree that she and her fiance need to be united and set the boundaries together. It is their "Big Day", but it is only one day out of what will hopefully be a Big Life together.

If the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, then they should have the wedding they want and can afford. The groom needs to make his parents understand this - they are his responsibility. When my mother-in-law tends to want to be demanding/controling, I hand the phone or direct her to my husband. They need to be united in voicing what they want. We were married almost 20 years ago and it has worked very well for us. Fortunately for me, my husband is very clear on what he wants and has no problem telling his mother how things are going to be; his brother and sister are not so clear and tend to get fustrated.
You are right - this is their wedding and it should be exactly what they want it to be.
Good Luck.

Hi D. - Ugh - I feel for you and your daughter. This totally happened to me at my wedding, and after trying to be nice and not fight with my mother-in-law, I gave in to her and let her pay for the extras. Now, as a result, I cut my list, my out-of-town family, so that she could invite more of her friends. I just got to the point where I didn't care anymore, just wanted to get it over with and move on.

I don't think this situation is all that uncommon, unfortunately, and I know it causes a great deal of stress on the bride and groom.

Make the in-laws pay - be VERY clear about the costs of their demands when they go above and beyond the wants and needs of the happy couple to be. Let them know what sacrifices your daughter/family are making to accommodate them - for me, it was easier because my mom and I kinda just didn't feel the need to battle, so we gave in, and like I said, let the in-laws pay for the extras.

Have the bride and groom sit down and make a list of the MOST important, cannot change, MUST-HAVES for THEIR special day, and don't defer from that list - make that particular list clear to all parties, and let the in-laws stray from there.

Good luck!

Yout best bet is just to stay out of it. If you say, 'Don't give in to their controlling ways!' you arre being just as controlling as they are. I do hope your daughter and her fianxe find a way to cut the strings now, cause it will only et harder later, but that's between them-- not you and them. Be ready to listen and sympathize and leave it at that.
Best of luck!

I don't think it's fair for either set of parents to involve themselves to the point that it places pressure on the bride or groom. It isn't the parents' wedding, so they shouldn't be the one to set the guest list.

My advise would be for your daughter to be as straightforward as possible with her future inlaws... if trying to be nice leaves her with a wedding that is anything other than what she wants, she'll only be unhappy moving forward... plus she'll have taught her in-laws to bully her, and that won't stop after the wedding.

Your daughter and her fiance shoudl reserve the venue of their choice. They should decide what kind of meal is to be served and based on that cost, let the grooms parents know how many guests they plan to invite. If his parents want to have a say in who those guests are, that's between them and their son... but they can't dictate the guestlist to the extent that it forces a change i the other plans...

Good luck and congratulations,
T.

I didn't read the other women's advice, but this was my experience. It was my wedding as it is your daughter's. As it was up to me to set the boundaries, it is up to your daughter. I told both my mom and my mother-in-law to be that I wanted it to be a special day for them that I wanted them to be able to sit back and relax. I told them I had already made the decisions on whatever it was they were talking about and I told them how many people they could invite--50 each. So it went 50-50-50. Again I reminded them I didn't want them to have to worry about anything. As you can see it was controlling, but I did it in as diplomatic way as possible. Oh I also told them my husband and I didn't expect them to pay for anything (we had been living together). Both families were very gracious. My mom gave us about $4,000 as a gift toward the wedding, my in-laws gave us the photography as a wedding gift, and my sister-in-law gave us the flowers as a wedding gift. It turned out really nice.

Just encourage your daughter to be firm but nice in her decisions.

Your daughter and future SIL are paying they make the decisions. If she lets them push her they will be making all future decisions for her. Trust me my MIL dictates everything to my husband , and I . Because we let her dictate to us that we had to be married before we live together. Now she is never satisfied until she gets her way. Don't bend over backwards to make her happy, she will never be happy. Trust someone who lives there. They need to set the budget, and if the grooms parents can't cut their guest list,we will provide x amont of dinners for your guests. This is what it costs for each additional guest. 25 dollars a plate. drinks, favors. No they do not have to go somewhere cheaper, or only serve appetizers. It's their wedding. If they want more control pony up the cash.

I completly agree with the Wedding Planner idea. However, if the bride and groom choose to try to continue planning on their own, they need to find a way to draw very clear boundries. I went through a similar situation in my first marriage. Most of the guest list was allocated to his family, because his mother was out of control with her invites. They continually promised to pitch in for several things for the wedding, but ultimately my parents paid for 90%, and I paid for the remaining 10%. Him and his parents ultimately got a family reunion free of charge. Whatever...I wouldnt change it for the world, because I love my daughter very much.

My thought on drawing a line is:

Your daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law should come up with a number of guests they can afford. Divide that number fairly between realtives for both sides of the family, and of course their friends. This is their day and should not cut out friends for distand relatives or parents friends that they dont even know. Any number of guests above what each set of parents have been allocated, they should be told, "this is the cost, per person. I will send out any invitations you would like if you will kindly give us a check for your remaining guests. We cannot afford beyond this number."

A large effort should be put into a photographer and possibly a vidiographer. The reason behind it is, you spend so much money for one day that you cant even remember 90% of.

People seem to forget that the day is about the bride and groom and their happiness. Its amazing how selfish and rude people become once a wedding is mentioned.

Again, I totally agree with the Wedding Planner idea. It will save a lot of unnecessary trouble. I really should have done it with my first wedding. Hind sight truly is 20/20, if not better.

Because of the massive guest list I was unwilling to pay for in my second marriage, we went to a resort in Tahoe. It was the best decision my husband and I could have made. The wedding was about "US", not who our family wanted there. Overall we spent about $8700.00 including rings and our honeymoon suite. We had aprox 50 guests.

I hope it works out! Good Luck!!!!

Please keep us posted... I am really praying for a happy end result for you guys, with as little conflict as possible.

I don't envy you! Sorry to hear that your daughter is stressing over an event that she will remember forever. Having said that, ask your daughter what she wants. It's her day, after all, then have a talk w/ your future son-in-law and see what he wants. Once you have that, take it upon yourself and speak w/ your future in-laws. It's good to start honestly, than bear grudges during the marriage. If your daughter wants an intimate wedding and reception, then that's what she should have. She should be surrounded by people who mean something to her - not her in-laws! It's great that they want to help out, but if it's going to be at the expense of her big day, then your daughter and her fiance should only spend the money they saved and not ask for help. There shouldn't be any conditions to gifts! If your daughter has to agree to stipulations made by her future in-laws, then it's better to nip it in the bud. Be sure that you stand by her decision and remind her that she answers to NO ONE! If that offends the other family, oh well. It may not be the start that you want, but at least it's an HONEST start. If your future in-laws really want to share this moment w/ their friends, then they can host a lunch or dinner for them and invite as many people as they want. I know that they just want to share this proud moment to as many people, but they need to be reminded that it's not their place to make that decision. Good luck! And please extend my heartfelt conratulations to your daughter!

Hoo boy!! I'm so glad I got married 28 years ago, when I knew nothing and cared not one whit about the details of the wedding! My mother planned the entire event; my husband-to-be and I drove down from Chicago, where we were living, to my parents' home in Ohio, and a wonderful time was had by all! The only thing I did was choose a dress and give my mom my guest list. My husband's parents flew in from England for the wedding, but did not participate financially in anything, which was fine since they couldn't afford to. All of the advice given above is very sound. In the not-so-distant past, the bride's parents paid for the wedding, and the groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. Financial responsibilty lay primarily with the bride's parents, and they told the groom's parents how many guests they could invite. It's all so complicated now! My advice is to elope and then throw a big party when you return! Just kidding...but good luck!

When my youngest son got married a few years ago, he and his bride to be controlled the guest list, however allowed each set of parents to invite up to 10 people not already on the wedding couples list. We wanted to invite 14 people and were informed we needed to pay for the extra 4, which we did with no problem. The wedding couple needs to set ground rules for the parents. It is the grooms job to reel in his parents, not your daughter, his future bride.
While in today's society many couples pay for their owning weddings, you can take a piece from the etitquette books. Have the grooms parents host, and pay for, the rehersal dinner. The dinner usually includes all members of the bridal party and their spouses, or significant other, bride's and groom's parents. The pastor and his/her spouse can also be invited. This will give the groom's parents something to do and may keep them out of the way of the wedding planning. We did that for our son and his bride, though the controlling problem was not us, it was the bride.
It is your daughter's and future son in law's day. If necessary, remind them that the day should be as they want it. They are creating their memory.
Good luck, L.

You can only advise your daughter to be honest with her fiancee about her feelings so they can confront his parents together or he alone. He has to be the one to do the talkinbg to his parents. They can say it is our way or we will just go to Vegas.

I dunno, I think that If she wants total control of her own wedding she is probably going to need to pay for it herself, otherwise, those that contribute usually WILL expect some say. Most people don't even know wedding ettiquite anymore, but you could get his mom and yourself an old copy of a wedding ettiquite book, it might help. I say older copy because I think modern ettiquite has had much of the manners washed out of it. It will list the responsibilites of whos-who and what they should pay for.It should also list the responsibilities of choosing the guest list. In the old days the bride's parents threw (and paid for) almost the entire wedding, invited the guests, and had their own names listed on the invitations as being the persons responsible for inviting the guests to the daughter's wedding. The grooms parents had only a small percentage of the wedding to pay for. I think the rule was the bride's family planned the event, and asked the groom's parents for a guest list. People with any real manners at all would never give a huge guest list knowing another would be paying for it. That's why it probably worked back then... That was then, this is now. People just don't have manners anymore. Again, I would check a book to see what the professional say.

One way to get around this guest list problem is go very small,the couple inviting only very CLOSE people...parents, siblings and the sibling's children, and the bride/grooms CLOSEST freinds.(should be only a couple each). Choosing a small chapel a distance away will make it more likely only the closest people will attend.

You can tell others you are going to have a short reception later(with no gifts) at the house and just serve horseduvers, cake and coffee. That way extended family can meet the groom, etc.....

I paid for my own wedding and both my parents wanted us to invite people we didnt know and couldnt afford. We had a budget and a list of people we wanted to invite. If they had freinds they wanted to invite they paid extra for them. It's about the bride and groom and parents do get lost in it! Good luck

D.,
My mom in law did the same thing 28 years ago, my parents did not. My husband and I refused to buckle to his mom's demands, guest list and dollars. Our wedding was wonderful and we would not have changed anything. We regret my husband's mom felt she needed this kind of control, but it was our wedding and our memory.
Hopefully your daughter will make a similar decision.
Best wishes to you all.

A. A

Good morning to you!

WOW...talk about bringing back memories of wedding planning and guest lists...=( I would suggest that the groom speak to his parents first by himself. He should let them know that they will create the guest list of who they would like to share the day with. If they have some extra seats open after they have made their list then offer to the parents on BOTH sides if there is anyone they would like to invite. They need to keep their ground on this because beleive me, speaking from experience, they will keep naming people that they "forgot" and just need a couple more invitations. I do like the message that someone wrote for the parents to host a little something for those that will not be invited to the wedding. That way they are happy also. Just remind them that the wedding is for marriage and not a party, as a lot have said below. Good luck to all of you and especially the newly engaged couple!

Congratulations on the upcoming nuptuals. I found planning a wedding to be the most stressful thing I've ever done! No one ever agrees on anything so everyone is never happy. I definitely do not think it' right (never mind about fair - life isn't fair) that his parents won't cut their guest list. But it really doesn't matter because the bride and groom are paying for the wedding and it's their wedding so they should do exactly as they please. Accept the guest list from his parents as is, and then make the cuts themselves. They are the ones addressing and mailing invitations. As soon as the invites are mailed, I would then tell the parents which people were cut from the guest list. This is the only wedding your daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law will have (hopefully ) and it should definitely be all about them not his parents. Your daughter is just going to have to stand her ground and make sure his parents know who's day this really is. Again, congratulations and enjoy the wedding!

I think this too shall pass. The grooms parents are going to pay for the hall, or the wedding honeymoon, something I am sure- they just don't want you telling them how much they should be putting in. Just like you don't want them telling your daughter what she should do, or where she should have it. There has to be a common ground, I mean, these people are going to be in your lives for a very long time!! And this day is only going to be memorable as long as all the in-laws get along. You are in my prayers.. Good Luck and God bless.

If the bride and groom are paying for the wedding...it's their day...invite who they want to and can afford to have at the location they want. If the parents are paying...they have more say...it's their money.

D.,

I was married 3 years ago and had the same issues with our parents. We were paying for the wedding. However, our parents had very large guest lists. We just informed them that any guests would were not planning to invite would have to be paid for by them. We figured that it would cost about $100/guest, so that is what they had to give us. We ended up with a guest list of over 300 people and our parents did pitch in for their friends. In the end, our wedding was fantastic! I would tell you daughter to make this day a special day for her and her fiance. Don't let the future in laws make it about them.

Good Luck! I know wedding planning can be extremely stressful!

HI D.,
I did not read all the responses, but in general I agree with what is said. If they are paying they make the decisions and then inform the parents about them after they have been made. However, an EASIER way to go about it would be to get a wedding planner. They do cost, but most of the time their connections with vendors save you so much money (cake, flowers, photographer, DJ, venue, food etc) that they pay for themselves and you get better service too! When hiring a wedding planner you can let them know your budget and they usually have different plans to accomodate what you can spend. They make timelines and give reminders. THEY ALSO ARE GREAT AT DEALING WITH THE FAMILY! They can whip the group into shape and tell them what is expected of them. A planner can also play the "bad guy" by telling parents the decisions and being firm with them. AS long as the wedding planner you hire knows that a key part of their job in this wedding to keep parental involvement down, they will do it. Some are very practiced at it and know lots of good tricks! You will save money, time, and hours of frustration! I know all of this because my sister is a wedding planner. She lives and works in Southern California, but she tells me all about it. Even though I had an amazing wedding with cooperative parents on both sides, if I could go back and do it again I would hire a wedding planner. Everything woul dhav ebeen better and a lot less stressful! So please research and interview a few of them. Your daughter will be so glad she did! Good luck!

Remind your daughter that she is not just making a memory. She is making a family. She and her husband (not you and her) need to make decisions and HE needs to let his family know and SHE needs to let you know. It truly isn't about what is fair or right. It is about what they want for their family. This is not an incident. This is building of a relationship. But all of this is really advice for your daughter.
My advice for you is that you tell your daughter that it is between her and her fiance and to let you know what they need from you. Do not become involved in a in-law Tug-of-War with them. As natural as it is to take your daughter's side, she would be better served if you just stay out of it. She and her husband-to-be need to be a united front of their own.

We had the same issue with my MIL when planning our wedding -- and I was 38!! She had an issue with us inviting certain relatives and not others. She also wanted to invite a couple that they always travel with but whom my husband had not been in contact for 15 years. He finally spoke to his Mom and told her that it wasn't like we were 18 and didn't have many friends of our own. (Which he felt was the impetus for including parents' frends in guests lists). We both had careers with coworkers and a very large social network. We wanted to include people who currently shared our lives. I was trying to keep the wedding smallish as my parents are not very social people. That part was much better coming from Larry to his own parents. Since we were paying for the wedding ourselves, he also told our parents that the final decision was ours. He also said he didn't want to invite extra family and hope they didn't come.

To avoid starting my relationship with my MIL on the wrong foot, I offered a compromise. Instead of only inviting the immediate family and the West coast cousins, we would invite all the Aunts and Uncles and none of the cousins. She objected because that would leave out her sister's son, who Aunt Ruth would be staying with. When I told her we had a set number we were willing to invite and those were the two options, she backed down.

I agree that the day should be about the couple getting married, but I can also see needing to appease future inlaws. How her fiance handles this with his parents wll set the tone for their entire marriage. Having him step up to support your daughter now will save many such battles later. I have a great relationship with my MIL and have avoided the ususal battles because my husband set the precedent up front.

HTH

S. L.

D.,
When my husband and I got engaged, my parents had them over for dinner to discuss wedding plans. They let me plan pretty much everthing with a budget. Have your daughters future in law over and her fiance and discuss this. Let them know you have a budget and stick to it. If you don't it can become very expensive before you know it.
Or go to the old etiquette book...
Bride/parents pays for dress ensemble
Groom/parents pay for the tux
Bride/groom parents split the wedding cost
Bride/Groom parents splits the wedding rehearsal dinner.
Stay to a buffet, it's usually is cheaper and you can get a few more people there.

This should be a fun time for your daughter and their son, not a stressful one. Make sure they(his parents)know that and just stick to a budget. If they want to pay more, let them and tell them up front your budget means.
Good luck,
Trish

Congratulations! This should be a fun time for everyone, and it often becomes very overwhelming.
I personally had a very large wedding because be both come from big families and my husband was born and raised in a very large church, where most members felt a part of his life and wanted to be included. So, I think there are a couple places to start.
1. Budget. Weddings can become SOOOO expensive, and no one wants to be surprised by the number at the end of the panning. Don't start anything until there is a set budget that will be worked with. Anyone that is going to contribute needs to state that number so that the planning can be done around that.
2. Guest List. I had a hard time finding a place that could accomodate my large number of guests, so that narrowed down my options right off the bat.

Once you have the budget and guest list, you (she) will be able to better plan the details of the event. She will know how to make the money work for the number of people attending (full service, hors d'orves, etc.)

That is where I would start and set in stone. Then try to make the details a group effort so that everyone feels included.

Good luck!

Hi D.,

I got married 5 years ago and was in a similar situation where everyone wanted to put in their 2 cents. I finally had to sit down with my husband and politely tell people to back off - it can be done but I would recommend your daughter do it only with her husband so it lessens the chances of annoying the future in-laws! It is 1 day - they need to it their way or they will regret it. Good luck!

When I got married a little over a year ago, my husband and I realized that this was not only a day about us, it was a day about our parents showing us off. It was also about them living a bit vicariously through us, since neither really had a wedding. We tried to involve them with the planning but in the end, we nodded nicely, took their ideas into consideration, and did it our own way anyway! We asked both sides to make a guest list of who absolutely had to have an invite and also mark which ones were not likely to attend. In the end, many out of town guests were not able to make it which helped keep the numbers down a little. In addition, both sets of parents chipped in money for the number of heads on their guest lists. My husband and I paid for everyone and everything else.

Good luck!

Hello D.,
I didn't get a chance to read the other responses, but I wanted to add something (sorry if it's been said). While planning my wedding and having to change the date after having "reserve the date" cards made and mailed due to a cousins graduation I was STRESSED while planning my wedding. At the time I was working in the meat department at Albertsons when this AMAZING customer came up and started talking to me. I started telling her about how stressed I was, etc. She nicely waited for me to finish venting and then reminded me of one thing that made the stress all go away. She said, "honey, it's not about the wedding it's about the marriage. I doesn't matter if you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt, what matters is that you are marring the man you love." I always pass that on one to my friends when they announce their engagements.

Your daughter needs to have a heart to heart with her fiance. They need to decided what is more important to them as a couple, the location they want to be married in, or accomodating his family. If they decide the location is really important, or that a small wedding is what they want, then it is her fiance's responsibility to confront his parents. He needs to be firm with them and let them know that it is their wedding (no matter who is paying for it) and they will need to have the guest list cut down. If his parents get offended, than that's their problem. They will get over it eventually.

I had similar problems when I got married. My in-laws said they wanted to be involved, but then at one of our "meetings" my mother-in-law made a comment about how she had a son and didn't think she would have to do so much for the wedding. We eventually got what we wanted, but we had to be insistant with everyone.

Hi! This is their wedding not the parents. I don't see why the parents think they need a guest list. The bride and groom should get to invite the people that they think are important first and then if there is room then give each set of parents an equal number of people that they can invite. My husband and I paid for our wedding and that is what we did. We wanted a small intimate ceremony with the people that mattered most to us. We did not want a bunch of people at our wedding that we didn't know or didn't like or whatever. I fear that if your daughter gives in on this she will be giving in to the inlaws for the rest of her life. This is a special day and it should go the way the bride and groom want it to go. Good Luck!

They need to get a $ commitment from everyone, so THEY can make decisions. If no commitment can be given, they should move forward and plan to pay for it themselves. They need to stop asking for advice and start informing people of their decisions.

My mom-in-law didn't like the cd player idea for aisle music, so she offered to pay for an orchestra that played the music WE WANTED. She didn't like the view of the location, so she offered to pay for a florist to provide backdrop trees WE liked.

If they don't like the decisions and want to pay for her other more expensive idea, fine.

They have to draw the line now for happiness. The two of them need to start as a united front. She might remind her man that he will be spending the rest of his life with her, so THEY need to make these decisions now or his parents will be making them forever. OUCH!

Stephanie

My husband & I have been married for a year and five months now. We went through the same situation. My husband & I agreed that it was our wedding and we were paying for it and making the decisions. We cut our list a lot and yes there was talk but they all got over it. We invited a minimum of 100 people and remember even though they RSVP to attend there will still be some that will not show. So I would recommend to invite 10 additional people and pay the extra if needed then have empty seats that you already paid for. We listened for suggestions but my husband & I made the Final decision. We realized our parents will always love us no matter what the out come is and since we were paying we did it our way and we all had a Great Time!!!!! Yes both sides of the family gave us some money to put towards our wedding so we ended up using it for our Honeymoon. It worked out Perfect!!! I HIGHLY recommend The Freedom Hall & Garden in Santa Clara.

I didn't read through everything, so hopefully this isn't too repetitive.

My husband and I have learned (the hard way) that he needs to deal with his parents on our behalf, and I deal with mine. Even little things, like arranging for our son to spend a weekend with his parents, he does all the talking. This has been a huge help to me. It is something that was encouraged in our pre-marital counseling, but we did not follow until 3 years after we got married.

Have a heart to heart with your daughter, and encourage her to speak to her future husband about it. He should be putting her needs before his parents' needs at this point, since this is something they will have to deal with when they are married anyway. If that doesn't work, have your husband speak to your future son-in-law, if he's comfortable doing that, and let him know that part of him leading his wife in marriage will be putting her needs first, above either sets of parents.

It took 4 years, but my husband finally sees the importance of not doing every little thing his mom wants us to do, just because she says "Jump!". Holidays and visits are so much less stressful now that we don't do it on her schedule.

Good luck!

As most of the other responses note, if the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, they set the limits. They need to be firm about what they want (sit down dinner, etc.) and not change to appetizers to suit groom's family. This is their day, not one for either mom and dad--they had their weddings. If parents want to contribute, they could pay for all those additional guests they insist upon (as well as additional flower arrangements for tables, extra alcohol, etc.) If they are shown the cost they might change their mind. Recently my niece was married (mom and dad divorced). Dad said he'd pay for 60 from groom's side, 60 from bride's side (bride's friends and mom's family). The bride's mom paid for any additional she wanted. The groom's parents paid for extra they wanted. Dad paid for as many as he wanted since he was footing the bill. It all worked out. Another niece was also married this summer and the groom's parents have a huge extended family. The facility they picked only held so many people so that was that. The groom needs to be firm with his parents. It shouldn't matter if groom's parents attended a load of friend's/relative's kids weddings and want "pay back." It also shouldn't be a party for every relative they've got. If they haven't already put down deposits, I'd seriously consider eloping or planning a wedding out of town--often limits those attending. They need a family meeting where the bride and groom tell both sets of parents what's up and show them what the expenses are. Good luck.

Personally, I think your daughter should first have a honest conversation with her finance about his parents and the wedding. Then, together they should talk to his parents. The bride and groom should tell them the exact number of guests they are allowed to invite and if the parents go over, then the bride and groom will make the cuts. They should not ask the parents for money or inquire about the dollar amount. The bride and groom should just plan and pay for the wedding and if either set of parents decides to give money, then it is a bonus. This way, the bride and groom retain complete control over THEIR wedding.
Good luck!

D.,
when we got married 3 years ago, George paid for the whole shabang, although both my and his parents contributed a couple of K (our wedding was pricey because of Kosher issues). My now-in-laws tried to run the whole show by saying things like "well don't you WANT it bigger/better/whatever than [insert name here]" or "fine, you want it awfull - go ahead".
I was ready to strangle them several times throughout the process, and the only way that worked for me was to sit down and express (as calmly as I could, although I'm sure it was quite hysterical) to George that this was supposed to be *our* wedding, not a chance for them to show off or live out some fantasy. George would then mull this over for a few days and then tell his parents to back off. It was an ongoing dialogue and required quite a bit of patience from all involved, but we survived and our wedding was fabulous. Tell your daughter to breath and to remember why she's doing this; as long as she remembers that this is about friends, family, and love (and not appetizers, flowers, and favors) the struggle for control will be easier to manage.
good luck and congrats!
L.

It's been 13yrs since I got married but even back then people were spending 20K and I only spent 5K (church, dinner buffet reception, atttire, flowers, photos and all... it can be done). If your daughter and her goom are funding the event they need to set their budget and stick to it. The InLaws host the rehearsal dinner and can do it in however grand a fashion their budget and taste allow. My InLaws chose to invite the direct participant in the weddng plus a few family members that had already arrived from out of town... they sent the invites, booked the restaurant and handled the bill. The groom is typically responsible for the bride's rings, the officiant and the honeymoon. My husband's parents gave him some money for the wedding and he utilized it for the honeymoon. The bride and groom need to set their guest list according to their event budget and then allot the choice of adding heads at the cost of whichever side of the family is requesting it. If their budget allows for a guest list of 80 and the facility has a capacity to 120 then each side of the family gets to pay for up to 20 additional guests of their chosing. Your daughter and her groom should not feel pressured to pay a higher room rental fee to accomodate more people... if a larger room is needed then that dollar difference should be paid by the parents who are adding to the guest list above the original room's capacity. If the InLaws decide to come up with funds beyond the rehearsal dinner the groom can apply it towards the honeymoon or they can select to splurge for something specific and additional like an open bar or videographer or bachelor golf outing before the rehearsal dinner.

Hi D.:

Your daughter and her fiance are the ones paying so they decide how big the guest list is and what is served. End of story.

When they come up with the final cost, they can opt to ask his parents to pay the equivalent of what will be needed to pay for their extra guests. And they should put the money UP FRONT. Good Luck!