Wedding Etiquette... - Naperville,IL

honestly....stay out of it. You told her how you feel it should be done,now just sit back and let her do it however she wants.When her day comes atleast you know that you tried to warn her and she was to stubborn to listen.So you cant be blamed for not trying because you did and you cant be blamed for being pushy and bossy because you stayed out of it :)

She should call everyone who doesn't RSVP. Though, it is very rude to not RSVP regardless of whatever else is going on in people's lives. If they cannot get a response from that person within a reasonable time, then yes, I would consider them no's. It costs too much money for people to not respond.

Awkward situation, but with all of the technology and communications options available these days, even a mass email to those on the invited list requesting a simple no or yes and number attending would be better than nothing. If there is anyone feeling left out of the wedding planning, following up on RSVPs is a great way to include them.

OH YEAH -- you are sooo right on this one. My husband's family just doesn't RSVP. We had my mother-in-law making lots of calls. Imagine the situation at the hall on the day-of when there's not a place card for all these people who are intending to show up! Depending on room-size etc the facility can usually accomodate an extra couple or two, but even if there's room to expand I'm not sure how much more food they would have! I absolutely see this going south if she just disinvites anyone who didn't reply. Dramatic is an understatement. You're being a good sister to hopefully help her avoid this huge blunder, I hope she sees your point of view. If not...all you can do is say you tried.

My hubby and I were warned to expect 20% less guests than had RSVP'd. We did the calling thing and found out most people had..."forgotten", "lost their invite", "worried that their SO wouldn't come"...or what ever. It was well worth calling. We only had 2 and I repeat that...TWO.... that did not show up to our reception of 220 people. We had a great wedding, a great reception and appreciated all those that did show up. We never looked at their lack of RSVP as an issue...just a communication problem that could be solved. Congrats on the big day.

I mailed my wedding invites in 2 batches 2 days apart from the same mail box. I started to wonder why 50% of friends and family chose not to reply. I started calling and found that the people that were sent the first day never received their invites, had I never called them I would have been hurt that those people chose not only to not attend but not even respond. How could they respond to something they never got. To go a step further, if all received their invites and in fact mailed them back that is several post offices handling things and of course the post office is always on time and accurate with mail. What would she do if someone showed and did respondm would she ask them to leave with their present because she didn't receive the RSVP? Just make the calls, it will secure a number that is real to plan for, it will save hurt feelings, embarrassment and a lack of someone who may have really wanted to be a part of her day. Good Luck.

You could offer to call her unresponded guests for her to ask for their RSVP.

People know they need to RSVP to a wedding. I'd be ok if I got an RSVP past the due date but if I didn't get an RSVP I would assume they weren't coming. Unless it was someone who I was super close to, I wouldn't call everyone that didn't respond. Also some super close people just assume you would know they are coming, like your friend especially since she helped with the save the date cards. Granted someone else's wedding is not the center of everyone's universe but the bride and groom are also in a tizzy with all the plans and expenses and rightfully so, shouldn't feel they have to chase down an RSVP. I say you said your piece, they are doing what they deem is right and maybe if you feel awkward you call your friend and tell her to call them and say she is coming, I doubt they'll say she is uninvited.

My husband and I were invited to a wedding a few years back and never got the invite. If we hadn't gotten a phone call we would not have been there to share in their special day. Your sister has to realize that people are busy and the post office is not infallible. If she is too stressed to make calls, maybe you can volunteer to do it for her. It will save a lot of grief and embarrassment the day of the wedding. If she refuses your help, sit back and enjoy the show. Nothing good ever comes from being too stubborn.

She absolutely should contact those who have not responded yet. Especially with the ease of email, this shouldn't be an undue burden. If the bride and groom are too busy, it's a great way for the maid of honor and best man to help.

In all honesty, I would be upset if someone didn't send in their RSVP or call to confirm that they are attending my wedding and/or reception, but I wouldn't let it mean that the person could not attend because of it. This day and age, it seems that people see no importance in being courteous, more often than not people do not RSVP, and they still expect to be able to attend the function anyway. She will be very disappointed at the amount of RSVP cards that she actually gets, you should warn her of that, because people ARE rude. Doesn't mean people don't plan to attend! Things do get lost in the mail- but its very rare.

I'm amused, too. When all the people who didn't RSVP show up, is the bride going to stop the ceremony so that someone can escort them away? And who would sign up for that job - "Checking the Guestlist." I think it's extremely rude not to RSVP, but I don't think uninviting people is very polite, either. I hope you'll post an update and let us know what happens!

I am the type of person that forgets to do RSVP's! I am awful! I dont do it on purpose I just get busy and forget to send it back in! I worked at a banquet center and we always planned on their being guest there not included in the final count. I dont know if I would call everyone that didnt rsvp but at least the people that she is close to. I mean I know when I got married my mom made me invite 4th cousins I had never met before! I wouldnt call those kinds of people but others I would.

So... do invitees know they are uninvited if they do not r.s.v.p.? I think she should enlist the help of bridesmaids, maybe moms of the bride/groom if they are involved in wedding planning to call these rogue guests. Forget etiquette, this is about practicality - what will she do if all these guests show up?

I guess I would ask, who is paying for the extra plates it people show up without sending an r.s.v.p. I would think that if the bride and groom are paying for the wedding, and these are the final weeks before the wedding, there is enough stress going on. If the proper "etiquette" is to send the response back either saying yes or no, then it is rude for the invitees (your good friend included) not to respond. Sad that they'll miss out on the nuptials, but paying for extra plates is not proper etiquette either. sorry I'm with your sister.

i think she's going to give herself a bunch of extra drama. so if she choses to do that it's on her. or she can give people, and herself a break. her choice!

I think for the majority of people who fail to send in their RSVP cards, they are in fact stating their intentions of NOT coming to the wedding. There may be a few exceptions, like your friend who helped with the save the date cards, that it would be worthwhile for you or your sister to contact directly to confirm if they are coming.
When we got married, we assumed that a RSVP card not sent in was a "no" and we only followed up with a very few people (family, very good friends) that we had anticipated coming. Our reception hall had a certain percentage built in for unexpected guests. I think it was one table worth of seats (8 people).

My husband and I contacted the people that didn't respond to our RSVP about a week before the date since were at a function where we could see most all of them. Just contact the people that you know and you can't worry about the others. It will be up to her and her new husband to deal with the issue of the people showing up. A wedding that I went to last weekend made the following statement: "Those that have RSVP are welcome to head to the reception now." It was as simple as that and may be a wakeup call to those who did not RSVP, but remember too, some people may forget they didn't RSVP and think that they had. But this is on your sister...not you.

I have had 2 weddings for 2 of my daughters. The same thing happened to us...people didn't respond in a timely manor. Before the date that I had to give the reception caterers the final number, I just called them. People ARE busy and sometimes don't remember that they didn't send the card, like you said maybe lost in the mail...whatever. OR some people are just not as thoughtful as they should be. Just receiving a call like that would be embarrassing enough! Your sister would be really embarrassed too if she didn't have a place or food for them...tell her to call them or do it for her.

I would keep encouraging her to call people that have not responded. She can take it from me, people who want to be at her wedding, will show up, even if they haven't sent in an rsvp. What's she going to do then?? Not have a seat for them and send them away? I don't think so. She should not assume that they won't come, because they will, and they do. If she wants no surprises on her wedding day, they should call those that haven't sent in an rsvp. Just my opinion.

I agree with you but this is hear wedding. If she didn't tell them that no rsvp means "don't show up because you are no longer invited" then she will be in for quit a surprise when she plans for 100 people and 200 show up! Will there be enough food? She should have those that helped w/ the save the date/invitations make calls to confirm the no rsvp guests so she can plan accordingly; however, it is ultimately her call.

She will be in for a surprise if she doesn't call each non rsvp guest to ask them if they are showing up or not. I would ask her what she plans on doing if these guests show up and she is not prepared for them

Sounds like they are probably getting worried about costs & are using the revokation of the non RSVPd invites as a cost control measure. Chances are that most who did not RSVP are not intending to be there, but this friend seems a bit more invested. how does your sis intend to uninvite her? Is she going to have them bounced out? Is she going to call her to tell her that she is no longer invited?

At my wedding we had RSVPd guests no show, invitees who replied "no" suddenly show up, and even a couple that we didn't invite show up (they had to travel over an hour to come). I think they'll have to realize that not everything is in their control and it does not have to ruin their day.

I know I am late! My Mom & MIL called everyone who didn't rsvp. What we did was rent a hall that would accommodate everyone, paid a deposit for the hall and then people at the country club where we had the reception counted that day and my family paid the rest on my actual wedding day. We knew going in that it could be a little less or more depending on who did show up. But there was a cap on how many could attend per fire code. I didn't invite more than the place could hold but had too many people showed I am sure it would have been akward! I did see people at my wedding who did not rsvp and we could not reach and they did not come to the reception. They could have but I guess because they were unsure, the opted out. Anyway, I think she should arrange to contact everyone to check on it, yes they should rsvp but life happens and I would get in touch with them if it were me. Hope all goes well!!

If they no longer are invited to the wedding, the bride no longer gets to share her special day with them, and also is without another gift. Sounds like Bridezilla's loss.

It is irritating that people don't send them back. It's not like it's that difficult or time consuming to fill it out and the postage is already paid. But I think there will always be somebody who doesn't for whatever reason. The same thing happened to us when we got married. My MIL & I did end up calling people because there were many people we hadn't heard from who we were pretty sure were coming as most of them were close friends & relatives. We got married in the city where I grew up & my parents still live. My husband comes from a small town where they literally put an announcement in the paper and everyone in town is invited to every wedding reception so there are no RSVP cards. When my MIL and I called people who hadn't responded, some got upset with us for making such a "big deal" out of it and said, "We don't do that here", meaning the RSVP cards. Since we were paying for the food by the plate, I did not feel that it was unreasonable to expect people to respond, even if that is not how things are done where they live. With all the other wedding preparations, it was annoying to have to make those phone calls as well, but for me it gave me peace of mind to know how many people were actually coming. And I didn't have to deal with people showing up and having no seating or food for them. Since these people were traveling quite a distance and some of them got pretty upset over the phone call, I'm sure there would have been quite a scene if I had assumed the lack of an RSVP card meant they weren't coming. In the long run, I felt it was less stressful for me to just make the calls. I hope that your sister can find a solution to reduce her stress and you all can enjoy this special time in her life! Best wishes to her & her future hubby!

The only thing about calling people, is that a number of them will tell you that they are coming not to hurt your feelings.

Take care
J.

I am not sure if she has a set # of people that can come to this wedding, but remind her that if that is the case, people who were invited might just show up and then she will have no room for them.
Does she really want the drama of having to tell people to go away at the reception because they didn't turn in some card??
I have heard this happen!

I would suggest to her that she get some of her bridesmaids (perhaps you) to help her out in this.
I realize she should care more, but I think brides get too wrapped up in other things and can't see the bigger picture. As her sister and I assume bridesmaid, perhaps you should take this on.
She will never realize how helpful it will be, but it still would be a nice gesture and save undo drama the day of. And really in the end, less drama that day will also mean a better day for you :)
Sisters can be SO tiresome! lol

I agree it is not proper eitiquette for people to disregard RSVP cards. Theyre already stamped (usually) for God's sake. Check yes/no and drop it in the mailbox on the way to work. I have planned several weddings & events including my own and I for one am fed up with people being so inconsiderate when it comes to RSVPing. It'll serve them all if they show up anyway and there is no meal for them to eat and nowhere for them to sit. More power to the happy couple!

While I can understand their way of thinking, they are also setting themselves up for stress and embarrassment when some of these people show up. If they have half a brain in their heads they will delegate the duty of calling people to someone and have them call them asap. I am a wedding planner and am telling you from experience, DO NOT just assume people are not coming. Some may have had family emergenices that distracted them, some may have NOT received their invite and some could be just plain lazy.

It's her wedding and her choice. It really shouldn't be something you are worried about. Apparently she isn't concerned with wedding etiquette or if guests come or not and she didn't ask for your thoughts, ideas, or help, so let it go. Enjoy the wedding and offer to assist if your sister asks.

I called those that did not RSVP. Some were waiting on work schedules or other type things that prevented them from getting back to me earlier. I think their attitude is a bit Prima Donna.

It would never dawn on me to call those that did not RSVP. No RSVP tells me they aren't coming. If they show and there are no name plates at the tables for them, that will be a subtle lesson learned for them.

I would not take the time to call, maybe a mass e-mail but no phone calls.

I do find it humorous she thinks they are 'uninvited'. Will someone be at the door checking names? :)

I had quite a few people who didn't RSVP - it stunk but I did have to track them down. Whenever I needed to leave messages, I just said in a nice way that I understood people get busy but that my final count to my caterer was due on X date and that if I hadn't heard from them, then I assumed they would not be joining us. It was an effective strategy. The problem I encountered were we had some no-shows from people who had RSVP'ed yes! That I wasn't prepared for... The caterers do account for this so I would advise your sister to email or call those she hasn't heard from and let them know that if she doesn't hear from them, she will put them down as a no. That way she isn't stalking :) Good luck!

How do you send out uninvitations? I don't get it. Once someone is invited, how do you get word to them that they are uninvited?

If people are so rude to disregard a wedding invite and can't take 2 seconds to RSVP, then I agree with your sister! If it's not a priority to THEM to come to the wedding, then they would be uninvited. Sorry, but this is not your wedding and you really should not be worried about this. If you know of people who have not responded, maybe you can give them a heads up and say hey, you better RSVP or you won't be able to attend. Otherwise, no big deal, don't worry about it. Good luck and have fun.

I would just sit back and enjoy the wedding. Leave them with the stress!

Sure, it is rude not to RSVP and if they want to turn people who didn't RSVP away...Well, I say good luck. What...Do they plan to have a bouncer at the door with a check list...asking to see IDs?

That said, I had a large wedding. 330+ total people invited. I was missing RSVPs for about 20 couples. I did not make any calls to find out if they were coming or not. I told my caterer and the hall what my anti-RSVP factor was and because they are the experts, they told me not to worry. They had a pretty accurate no-show vs unexpected-show calculator. They know that X% that say they are coming won't and that X% that did not RSVP will show up anyway. It all worked out fine. Besides, I looked at the 20 non-RSVP couples and was 99% sure that 5 of them (10 people) would show up and that 15 couples would not. I was not wrong.