We Co-sleep with Out Two Year Old

This is a terrible habit. Get her out of your bed cold turkey. it will put a hamper on your relationship with your hubby and it's teaching your daughter to not sleep on her own which later you will pay for. She WILL fuss for a few nights but it's bettre for everyone. Good luck.

We went through this too. What worked for us was putting our 2 year old into a big boy bed. We made a big deal out of it being a positive transition. At first we put the mattress directly on the floor so that there was no worry of him fallng out. Later he was fine with the frame and there were no injuries, but go and by a bed rail for about $20 at Toys R Us if you want the added safety. I would then lay down with him to fall asleep in his bed, and then move into my own later when hubby was ready for bed. It helped hubby to think of the bed as ours again, which allowed for more intimacy. I got to keep my snuggle time with my son, and he was happy because he was proud of his new bed AND he still got to have me there at bed time. Eventually he grew out of that...before you know it your child won't dream of having you around at bedtime, so even though it seems like a problem now, enjoy it as much as you can! Hope that helped!

The intimacy with your husband is REALLY important, and you don't want the child to be the reason that intimacy is not happening. There are so many parents of K through 2nd grade parents at our child's school who are divorced and you have to wonder if this co-sleeping thing sends the marriage relationship down a slippery slope. Obviously that is not the reason for all divorce, but clearly when children come into the relationship, these sorts of stresses occur. The marriage needs to be a priority as well - and it's good for the child if it is.

I'm a step-parent so I had to be the "bad guy" when it came to setting limits with the child in the adult bed. My step-son was 7 years old and still sleeping in his dad's bed whenever he could (both dad and son liked it). But it didn't leave much room for a new marriage.

It seems to me that parents think that they are doing a good thing for the child by keeping them in the adult bed and letting them think that it is their right to be there. I think that having that as a "treat" is a good thing once in a while... but not as an expectation. It's not healthy for the whole family if the kids rule the bedroom and sleeping arrangement decisions.

And no intimacy in the relationship... one partner is bound to get resentful, and you really don't want that happening.

The natural course of things is that kids should sleep in their own beds. If they are sick, or have some special circumstance or want to cuddle in the morning in the big bed... that's fine. But the expectation is that kids sleep in their own bed. It's good for the kids (even if they say they don't like it) and good for the marriage and intimacy.

My parents never once that I can remember allowed any of their kids to stay in their bedroom ever. I always hated that. Even if I woke up with a nightmare at a really young age I was sent back to my bed within about 10 minutes. I think that's a little extreme. And of course now I'm a fiercely independent adult. Do some cuddling and make some exceptions to the rule. I also recently learned in a conversation with my mom that my parents had sex almost every night. So that explains it. And it's good for the marriage to have that - especially if it prevents divorce.

Sorry if this sounds like a lecture. I just have some strong feelings on the topic. And you said that your relationship was feeling "cold." That's a terrible sign, and you really should be more alarmed by that then you seem to be. You should be checking in with your husband immediately and finding out what he would like to happen. Because a "cold" relationship will lead to things that are not good - and your child will not want divorced parents. Don't put the child's desires over what is healthy for the marriage 100% of the time, or you will no longer have a marriage.

I loved co-sleeping with both my daughters. To begin to break it, lay with her until she is almost asleep and tell her you have to go to the bathroom/get your pjs on/etc...stay out of the room for a minute or two and check back on her. Usually by the time I came back, my daughter would be asleep. Depending how your daughter gets used to new routines, you will be able to "go to the bathroom/get your pjs on/etc" the minute you get her in bed and she'll be out in now time since she will be used falling asleep alone.

I don't have experience with co-sleeping other than the bassinet next to the side of the bed for the first several months and then during the times the kids are sick or hubby might be out of town. My kids were both good sleepers so I was blessed in that way. However, from watching friends do co-sleeping, I do know that a few have had problems with this same issue and getting their kids to develop good sleep habits later.

I think the pastor at my engaged encounter when I was preparing to get married said it best. Your marriage should be number one in your life. Your future children's needs may be immediate, but your marriage is for life. You have to nurture it always. At the end of the day if your marriage is suffering so will your children. If the marriage isn't happy, neither are the children. A healthy marriage is the key to teaching your kids about their future relationships and by putting your spouse first, you show them love for your relationship.

I think you need to make the switch to a bed ASAP - she's definitely old enough. Maybe you can snuggle with her when she goes to bed for 5 or 10 minutes so you don't lose that time with her? I know it's going to be hard to put her in her own bed (I did the cry it out method when my daughter was five months going from bassinet to crib and thought I'd go crazy in those first 2 short minutes). You will cry - it won't be fun, but when you're all through it, I think you will be glad you did it. And so will your husband. :) If you're working full time you need balance and time to be with hubby and time to be with yourself - this is very important. I also had to return to work this year - a year before I wanted to, but we have to do what we have to do in this not so great economy.

One solution that is helping us wean our 2 yo out of our room (co slept since birth) is that we took his day bed and pushed up against ours on my side. I can lay and snuggle with him but hubby and I have out bed to our selves. Then you can also get a rail for the front as you push it away from your bed to get her back in her room. the other problem of wrapping you arm around is a bit harder. I explained to my son that mommy still has to get up after he goes to sleep and brush my teeth and wash my face. I let him hold my hand and then when he is asleep I slide it out. He seems to be content with this. If he wakes up at night i put my hand back on his tummy or back and he usually falls imediately back to sleep. Dont push all steps at onece though. You can always use the you are a big girl now trump card too. I talk a lot to Our little guy. Somethings I dont think he would understand he does very well. Its worth a try. PS get a babysitter and go out on a date where you can date like you were young. It helps!

Hey S.! I can relate totally relate. My daughter is going on 9 months actually and I have been back to work since she was 3 months and my boyfriend is a SAHD. I feel like I miss out on a lot because I am at work all day and when she was sleeping with me I felt like I was making up for lost time. My boyfriend pointed out to me that I needed to make up for "lost time" with him too and that's when we started putting her to bed in her room. It was extremely hard for me too and I hate to be the one to break it to you but it's going to break your heart regardless. We actually had to let her cry it out and then after a few min. I would go in there and pick her up and rock her back to sleep the key for me was each day letting her go longer and longer crying until eventually she fell asleep. I know that sounds harsh but in about a week she was sleeping in her own bed. Now before we put her in her room though I did mangage to get her to sleep in her playpen which I keep on my side of the bed. I think that helped her transition. I know your daughter is older but I hope I helped. Just remember it's going to break your heart but after a week it should be ok. :0)Good Luck!

My kids were fortunately great sleepers from the very beginning. They only woke up once a night to nurse and I put them in bed with me so we could go back to sleep.
They are 10 years apart, but were always allowed in our bed if they were sick, or there was a power outage, or dad was out of town. We had an earthquake when I was pregnant with my son and there was broken glass everywhere. The first thing my husband did was go get her and put her in bed with me while he assessed the damage. We had aftershocks and a mess so she slept with us for 2 nights. Otherwise, they had their own beds/cribs and slept there.
I've been a single mom for 12 years. My kids still slept in their own beds, for the most part.
My 22 year old daughter came and spent the night on Christmas Eve and slept with me. I loved it.
My 13 year old son often sleeps with me in the winter time. His room is upstairs and on the opposite end of the house from my room. When it gets stormy, he doesn't like being up there by himself especially if there is a chance the power will go out.
Co-sleeping is not a bad thing, if done like anything else...in moderation. A child needs to have their own bed and their own space and be comfortable staying there.
Believe me, I know there is nothing sweeter than snugging up to your baby. I cuddled and snuggled with my kids in their own beds for a while until they fell asleep. I'm little, so I even got in their cribs with them. They always had the sense of "their own" beds.
My friend allowed her kids to get in bed with her and her husband if they were sick or whatever, but made sure the kids always woke up in their own beds in the morning. Every single time.
It won't be easy to break the habit you've established, but you can do it. It's best for your kid and best for you and your husband. You have to take control of your bed back. Perhaps you and your husband can take turns having cuddle time in HER bed, because that's where she sleeps. Cuddle time, story, lights out, nigh-nigh. If she has a day bed that you are worried she will roll out of, turn it so the open side is up against the wall until she gets used to it.
It's better to deal with this now. It really is. You will all be better off and happier for it.
Best wishes!

S.,

I completely understand. We co-slept also until my son was almost 2 1/2. We moved into a new house and so used that transition to get him into a big boy bed. We had already tried the convertible crib and also getting him a toddler bed-neither worked. So we got him a queen size bed right before we moved and he started sleeping in it the first night. The first 2 weeks were the hardest, but now he is very happy in his bed and we are so happy to to have our space back and more intimacy. I would get your daughter a double/queen size bed and take her shopping for bedding. Get her excited about it and it will be an easier transition for all of you. Good luck and whatever you do, don't go back on your decision. If you say that tonight is the night, don't let her come back into the bed. Or it will be so much harder to get her out again.

Take care,

Molly

LOL! I am absolutely no help on this one. My daughter started in our bed at birth and is still there. She'll be 7.5 on the first.

If you want your bed, you have to do it now or she'll be there until she's . . . well, at least 7.5.

Stephanie

We have been lucky to have an independent child, who prefers her own bed, but we have a few friends that struggled with co-sleeping issues.

One friend of ours picked a random night of the week and their daughter got to sleep in their room (either in their bed or in her sleeping bag) if she wanted to. The child was happy, and the parents were able to have alone time!

Good Luck!

Unplanned cosleeping is full of suckitude. So is the weaning. I explained to my daughter that she was a big girl and needed to sleep in her own bed. I started a bedtime routine, reading, song, tucks with a big ol' stuffed animal, hugs, kiss, lights out. I would then sit in front of her bedroom door reading while her door was slightly ajar until she fell asleep. At first she cried all the time, and it sucked, but slowly but surely she stopped crying, then I was able to lessen the length of time I spent outside her door.

I would also occasionally take naps with her, or have a special cuddle time in the morning. Sometimes my daughter will sneak into the bed a bit before sunrise but that's okay because by then my husband and I are usually done with intimacy.

Hi there,

Sadly there just is no easy way to do this. She is going to have issues with you deciding she needs to sleep in her own bed and she will try her best to make you feel as guilty about it as she possibly can. But, like the rest of the job of parenting, having her happy 24/7 is not your job. Your job is to help develop her into the best adult you possibly can one small step at a time. Teaching a child how to sleep is the most important skill you can give to them. It helps them grow, it makes their minds function at a higher ability and helps them actually live longer.

So going into this with the fact that is it NOT going to be easy there are things you can do to make it easier on you. First off, go buy a special bed for her. Have her help pick it out. Now whether that's a pretty pricess canopy bed or a speed racer bed, let her have a hand in the decision. Let her know that she is not a baby anymore and she is old enough to have her own bed now. Make this a special BIG deal. You can even go so far as getting her special sheets and comforter.

Now you can make bedtime easier if you make a routine. Our personal routine is to have him go to bath and then curl up with him in bed to read a story, sing a song or two and then tuck him into bed with his "babies". Last step is to turn the night light on before leaving the room. Now WHEN she leaves the bed, and she will leave the bed, you will need to firmly but kindly and lovingly put her back into her bed and tuck her in again. The first few nights it's going to feel like you have a newborn again you will be SO tired and sleep deprived from having to get up and put her back into her own bed. BUT it is necessary to NEVER back down and let her back into your bed while this new process is going on.

Lastly, know that you are NOT the only mom to go thru this process. You are not alone. Many of us did this and enjoyed the time we had together with our kids while they were babies and co-sleeping. But realize that you are just beginning the road of parenting and teaching your child important skills that will last her all of her life.

Good luck and I hope she adjusts quickly!

C.

Hi S.,
This sounds really hard. It also sounds like you'd like the most painless solution possible. My daughter shared our bedroom in a co-sleeper (little crib attached to the big bed) for a year so I don't have direct experience with co-sleeping in the big bed. Our transition was easier because we moved and at the same time she got her own room. 2 traumas at once!
No matter what path you choose, I encourage you and your husband to have a PLAN you both agree on so that you have some structure you're working towards. Also, with a plan he can support you when you're feeling sad or discouraged. Without this teamwork, the difficulty of the transition might keep you from your goal of having a good, independently sleeping toddler. I recommend Dr. Sears' book as he talks a lot about co-sleeping. There are also other great books out there with different methods. When my daughter was going through a transition with sleeping I'd skim 2 or 3 different books and come up with a plan that fit our family best.
My other concern is that your daughter might not be ready for a big girl bed. Obviously, it's your call, but my daughter is now 2 and still moves around all over the place in her crib. Maybe you could get a cheap crib from IKEA or Craigslist that she can use for the next year until she's ready for a big bed.
Good luck!!!! My heart is with you.
A.

I have a 3 year old girl and we always co-slept with her. Around 18 months old we introduced a matress on the floor of our room then soon after her second birthday we gave her her own room and made a big deal about her getting her own bed (which is a double matress on the floor). She was more interested in choosing the linens for the bed. We would then put her to sleep in her bed with a good bedtime routine, and I lie with her until she goes to sleep. When she wakes during the night and gets upset I often go to her in her bed. This has been the case since she got her own bed and still is the case.

ASt night we do not make a big fuss about where she sleeps and although we aim at her sleeping in her bed if she asks to sleep in ours, that is OK too. She spends about 3 nights a week in our bed, and I go to her bed most mornings around 4am. I guess it is not the ideal situation, but it does give us some couple time together. I lie with her until she is asleep enough that I can move and she does not cling to me. Sometimes this can be for an hour.

Good Luck.
K.

we allowed our son to sleep w/ us for a year and then moved him to his own room. It was very difficult because he definitely didn't like it and cried a lot, not to mention I couldn't stand it, but u have to be tough and do it. Your husband and u need alone time!! As parents, at night seeems to be really the only alone time we get. It's very important that u have that connection, because there maybe nothing at all eventually. I've known men that cheated or left because of the lack of intimacy. I hope all works out for u, but it's time to get her in her own bed

Well, I never co-slept with my babies, so I'm not sure how this suggestion in the next paragraph will work. No doubt you have the fight of your life on your hands, be prepared to stay strong! Continue to tell yourself this is for her good, because it is. It would be a terrible thing for her to not have a daddy any more, and that is the direction your are heading if you continue to put him second. Men do not pour out feelings like women will. If you are getting cold vibes and distance from him. He is unhappy - It is time to fix this NOW.
You could get a small bed to put beside yours. and wean her off. If you could move the crib into your room , drop one side half down, and put it right up next to your bed- that would be good. Insist this is where she sleeps if she is going to be in your room. use earplugs if you must. DO NOT let her climb back in. You must dig in your feet! If she continues to disobey, go directly to putting her in her own bed in her own room. Put a baby gate on your room so that your door is open but you can see/hear her. DO NOT LET HER BACK IN YOUR BED, once you do that again, you undo everythingh you have done up to that point, all that stress for nothing.
Once she is used to that , you can move the bed into her room. Again, be strong! Keep thinking this is for her own good. Because it is.
This is the long drawn out way to do this, you might just want to go cold turkey and go straight to her own bed in her own room. whichever way you do it, its going to be tough for you. (probably tougher on you than it is on her)

When my daughter was in a crib and when she learned to climb out of it she would come to our bed. We got her a toddler bed and made a big deal out of it to get her back to her own bed, but it didn't really work. My husband was not very strict with her about staying out of our room. It lasted until she was too big for three of us to be comfortable in a queen bed. With hindsight I'd have been more insistent that most nights she sleep in her room because the effect over time on intimacy can be profound (eventually my husband asked for a divorce). It's not something you can explain to a child, but what I did (tried to do) was create bedtime routines like reading and snuggling in her room, and having her participate in how it was decorated. Another thought is to invest in a sitter and go on dates with your husband, or meet him for lunch. I found that with so much focus on the child, romance was not a priority and the relationship suffered. Best of luck to you!

I really have no advice, but wanted to say that ever since I discovered that there was this phenomena of parents sleeping with children I have wondered about the intimacy part. I know that my husband would NEVER allow a child to sleep with us because we enjoy a healthy and active sex life and that would come to a screetching halt. I understand you can go to the shower and that's fun some times, but we enjoy making love in our bed where we are comfortable and can take as long as we want. So, co-sleeping parents, maybe you can school me on how the intimacy works once you bring your child to bed. Personally, I don't think sleeping with your children is healthy for them or you but I'm old school.